I can't do this right now

I can't worry about my oldest friend, her kids and the tumult that is her life. When I last heard from her -- on Wednesday -- her son was having "a tantrum like a 2 year old" because neither of his parents can foot the bill for his $25,000+ college education. He was banging the walls again, which left her with a broken light switch in the bathroom. Her fault, he maintains, because she didn't heed his warning when he told her to "not fucking talk to him."

I called yesterday.

I called twice today. And I'm back to hearing nothing but crickets.

I know she picks up the phone, sees it's me, and puts it down. I hate that. She knows I hate it. I've told her. Since it isn't her goal to punish me, I know it's that she's overwhelmed by the mess that is her life since she moved to the Hills of Beverly. And I know it must be especially heart breaking because this move was supposed to solve all her problems.

I love her and I'm genuinely sorry this is all happening to her.

But my feelings matter, too. She knows how terrified I am. That's why she gave way to that generous impulse to drop everything and fly out here to be with me. And I can't spend any more time or effort reaching out to her. It's exhausting me when I can least afford to be exhausted.

Now that's what friends are for

Last night my friend John and I met for burgers and drinks at the same bar we've been going to for ... um ... 30 years. Gulp. If those walls could talk! Anyway, he was swell, listening patiently to my obsessive worries and giving me wise tips on how to get by through my hospitalization and at-home convalescence. And who better? He's been in and out of hospitals a great deal over the last few years and spent weeks and weeks at home recovery.

His advice:

• Push myself. If, post-op, I can walk at all, I should.

• Stand up for myself. Don't let the insurance company "rush" me out of the hospital early. Play the "I live alone" card if need be.

• Don't rely on the pain meds too much.

• Tell Kathy. She's our mutual friend and I have been avoiding that conversation. I love Kathy but she can be sooooo difficult, especially when it comes to medical matters. I don't want to hear how, by having a hysterectomy, I'm a puppet of the male medical establishment, or that things like this don't happen to her because she is positive and won't allow them to. I just can't bear it right now. On the other hand, she does care about me and he's right, those feelings should be honored. She'd be so hurt if this all happened and I didn't tell her. And, besides, not telling her would put John in the middle. He doesn't deserve that. So I'll shoot Kathy an email next week.

John is a good friend. A faithful friend. I am lucky to have him.

Looking HARD for the pony!

One of the lights on my bathroom medicine chest just blew. I changed the bulb but it turns out the problem is in the fixture. AARGH! It's Labor Day weekend, it's not like I can find someone to come over and fix it for me. And, since I only have a grueling two-day workweek left before I go off on my medical adventure, it's not like I can take time off and wait for the handyman.

So I choose to look at it this way: I'll make do with one light in the bathroom until I'm feeling better, and then, during my convalescence when I can't go anywhere anyway, I'll schedule the handyman to come over.

He can replace the flapper thing in my toilet, too! I'll put together a list of handyman chores that can be accomplished when I'm laid up!

Do I sound positive? It's a victory of will over spirit, because finding ANOTHER thing leaves me feeling just plain shitty. (Oh, didn't I tell you? I'm trying to kill the drain flies in the kitchen, too.)

Me and Miche -- A love story

This one is for Kwizgiver.

I love my new purse. It's a Miche bag. A black base, or lining, that can be dropped into various "shells."

The size is perfect. The color of my first shell (right) is perfect. And when I switch to the second shell (which hasn't arrived yet), I won't ever wonder which bag I left my phone in.

One thing I plan to do during my convalescence is go through my handbag collection and decide what to part with. Miche will make that easier.

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 30

The right words at the right time. I received this email today from my aunt/Godmother. I'm going to print it out and take it to the hospital with me:

Well, let's try to think of some positives in this whole experience you have coming up---

1. You will, indeed, lose weight, and I know you've been wanting to.

2. You will have some quality time with your Mom.

3.Your cats will love having you home. (Hey, what's that scamp Reynaldo been up to?)

4. It may take a bit of time, but you are going to get some things resolved and actually feel better.

5. You'll be able to read a book all the way through without stopping if you want to.

6. You can eat anything you feel like for a while.

7. You can watch some silly movies like "Hot Tub Time Machine" and and not feel guilty.

I know you are scared, and I do not blame you. you can obsess all you want. If good wishes and prayers can make it all better, you are home free- 'cause you've got them, Sweetie.

All of life, in one day

Today, I …

• Noticed how beautiful the sky was. The green of the Millennium Park trees looked so pretty against the clean, pale blue.

• Wrestled with a difficult project, but I think I conquered it

• Followed up with Cigna about my short term disability claim

• Was mad at my shrink for not submitting my bill to the insurance company yet, as I asked her to weeks ago

• Then got home to receive a message that she won't be seeing any patients at all until October 1, "family emergency." I think it's related to her husband's cancer. Now I feel guilty.

• Joked with Kathleen about my stapler cyst.

• Admitted I was afraid about my upcoming surgery to one of the (very nice) higher ups who came by my office to say he'd heard I was going to be out for a while, that I'd be missed, and (while he didn't want to pry) he hopes I'll come back healthier than before.

• Apologized to my mom for being so weird.

• Listened to my oldest friend complain about her selfish former in-laws and entitled son.

• Worried about money.

• Played with the new purse I bought.

I feel like at one point or another today, I felt just about every emotion. Happy, sad, guilty, cheap, wicked …

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 30

What Not to Wear. I saw my first episode of the new season! I like how the cameras drop in on the episode's subject a few weeks after the "big reveal." It's good to see if the new clothes, make up and especially hair are easy to keep up.

I'm soooo not good at this

I'm coming unglued, waiting for surgery. I really am.

Yesterday my oldest friend called to tell me she's NOT coming in to hold my hand. This is not a surprise. I just wish we hadn't have done this dance. It tired me, trying not to hurt her feelings while still surreptitiously working on Plan B: My Mommy. She's been very patient with me.

Then I read a letter from my insurance agency. I'm pre-authorized for Friday and Saturday nights in the hospital. Yea! Except for one thing -- Kathleen is on deck to drive me home from the hospital on Monday. That's what my doctor told me: 3 nights in the hospital. Kathleen is leaving town with her family on Saturday morning and won't be back until Sunday night. So I have no ride.

I spoke to my doctor's assistant and she told me not to worry about it. Insurance companies do what they do. She will see to it that if I need that third night -- and she's confident I will -- that I will get it. She reiterated that my huge stapler cyst, while creepy to the max, is most likely not malignant and that if the lining of my uterus is, we're catching it early. Okay.

Then there's my cough. See post below. I. Can't. Help. It! But because it's so disruptive, it's also top of mind. So when the lab called, saying they wanted to discuss my chest x-ray, I freaked out. I can't have this surgery rescheduled! I can''t! My x-ray is clear and normal.

I feel like I'm pulled as tight as a piano wire. I wish this waiting was done so I can look back on this surgery and say, "It wasn't so bad ..."

I. Can't. Help. It!

I have a bad cough. A hacking, horrible cough. I sound like a barking seal. I know! I know! You think I don't hear it? You think it's not hurting my throat? You think I don't miss breathing comfortably?

I don't have a fever. My chest x-ray came back clear. I cover my mouth with a tissue (a disposable tissue -- better than a sleeve). I only have four more work days until I take a month off -- I can't just stay home.

I. Can't. Help. It!

Today, while sitting in my office, I was visited by someone who had sat in on a conference call in the next office. "Are you OK? Do you need help? The client could hear you and asked what the noise was!"

I was mortified.

And if we lose an account because of my cough, I sincerely apologize.

Girl Power

I have been watching Gone with the Wind when I can't sleep. I know it's considered an epic and a love story. But to me, it's a portrait of two very different kinds of great women.

Scarlett is tough and shrewd. Yes, she's selfish and spirited. But she faces her problems head-on and deals with them. It was Scarlett who defied the odds and managed to keep a roof over the head of her family and food on their table. If you have only seen the movie, her fixation with Ashley might confuse you. So pick up the book. As Margaret Mitchell describes him, he's more Robert Redford than Prince Charles.

Melanie isn't as tough or willful but she is strong. Her strength comes from decency and faith and a good heart. She knows Ashley better than he knows himself, understands him and loves him anyway. Likewise Scarlett. Melanie's not the deluded fool, she's just wise and chooses to see the good. When times are tough, she's the one -- never Ashley -- who is at Scarlett's side, making sure they prevail.

Part of why I think Rhett rocks is that he sees both of these women -- and Mammy and Belle Watling, too -- so clearly and appreciates each one's uniqueness and good qualities. I can see him living comfortably in the new millennium. But not even Rhett is as powerful as Melanie and Scarlett. Nothing keeps Scarlett down for long, and the only thing that can stop Melanie is death.

(I'd like to be more like Melanie, but in reality I've got a lot of Scarlett in me. I have a very bad temper and a stubborn, unrealistic view of relationships.)

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 29

$3.99 on sale! Feline Pine, that is. My cat, Charlotte, is very loving and devoted to me and tries to be a good influence on wildcat, Reynaldo (alternately chastening him with a stiff paw to the cheek or affectionately tending to his ears and eyes, as the situation requires). But she hates my big old tomcat, Joey. She just does. Every day he tries to be her friend, every day she screams at him like a banshee and pounds on him. Never mind that she's a fraction of his size. Never mind that he lived here first. He simply offends her.

To the point that he's not allowed to ... um ... defecate in her box. I don't know how she enforces this, but she somehow she does. Joey is so much larger than she is that I can tell where he goes, and it's always in the other box, the one I refer to as "The Men's Room."

The Ladies' Room uses grainy scoopable litter and The Men's Room is filled with Feline Pine pellets. The difference in texture and scent make it easier for Joey to differentiate the boxes. Joey, a gentle giant with many sterling qualities, has never been the sharpest knife in the drawer and I'm afraid that if ever I switch brands in his box, it could lead to confusion and chaos.

I have boxes and jugs of scoopable litter stockpiled, but I forgot about Feline Pine. My convalescence could become very odoriferous and unpleasant without an extra sack of Joey's litter. So in an otherwise rather shitty day (no pun intended), Feline Pine on sale at Dominick's was the highlight.

"Hello, my name is Peggy."

This was me attempting to report my short-term disability claim to Cigna. Normally when I deal with them, everything goes smoothly. Today ... not so much. The rep didn't speak fluent English and we ended up just frustrating each other. (My favorite part: when she asked me if I have ever been treated by any doctor for anything before. She can't possibly have meant that question.) Here's hoping nothing was lost in translation.

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 28

Movies! Not only the one I saw at the theater (see below) but look what I found on Comcast On Demand. The ultimate escape!

Movies are such a reliable, cheap high.

Thank you, Ryan Gosling

I have been obsessing about my upcoming surgery. I know that accomplishes nothing and I try not to do it, and yet ... Look, I'm about to be gutted like a fish in order to find out if I have cancer. It IS kind of a big deal!

So today I did what I always do when the going gets tough: I go to the movies. This afternoon it was Crazy, Stupid Love. It's a very funny, completely charming movie starring Steve Carrell. But the revelation in it was Ryan Gosling.

Last time I saw him was in Blue Valentine, where he played a loving but balding, underachieving pot-smoker/house painter. Jacob in Crazy, Stupid Love could not be more different. He's slick and snarky and funny ("the skin under your eyes is starting look like Hugh Hefner's ball sack") and oh, my!

It's a movie-stealing performance. I found myself waiting for him to reappear. And his Jacob made me forget about my compromised innards for a while.

Sunday Stealing

Sunday Stealing: The August 20 Question Meme

Cheers to all of us thieves!

1. What's for breakfast? Cheerios.

2. Do you read a newspaper daily? Monday through Friday. I read it each morning on the train to work.

3. What do you do when you can't sleep? Read one of the books or magazines near my bed for just that purpose.

4. Say a word that sums up your mood. Impatient!

5. Do you remember your dreams? Just the really wacky ones. Like the one where Burt Reynolds tries to intimidate me before I can testify against his son.

6. Name something from your dream last night. I can't recall last night's dream. Had to do with Hurricane Irene. I don't recall the specifics -- meaning Burt Reynolds must not have been harassing me.

7. Name a food that describes you. Eggs. I am a woman of many moods -- ranging from over easy to scrambled.

8. Today you are wearing: Shorts and a t-shirt.

9. What's in your pockets? Lip balm, a tissue and some change.

10. Did you sing in the shower today? Oh, God. I did. I sang along with Captain and Tenille on shower radio. "Do that to me one more time/once is never enough/with a man like you ..." I can't remember where I left my keys, but I have retained all these lyrics. Oh well, at least it wasn't "Muskrat Love."



11. What's the last song you heard? "Sweet Nothings" by Brenda Lee. It's on the soundtrack of An Education.

12. Looking forward to the holidays? Yes. I'm looking forward to seeing my friends in Key West.

13. Where do you want to be this instant? One month in the future! I want to be looking back on my upcoming surgery, instead of fearing it.

14. What's for lunch? There's some ham in the refrigerator ...

15. What's something you would like to do soon? Hug my best friend. I miss him something awful.

16. Reading anything now? What is it? Mini Shopaholic. Becky Brandon (nee Bloomwood) is Lucy Riccardo for the new millennium.

17. What's for dinner? That feels like a lifetime away!

18. A favorite part of the day is: Early evening as the sun goes down

19. Are you happy? Usually I'm happy. But at this particular juncture, no. I don't feel well.

20. Guess how many people will do Sunday Stealing this weekend? 41

Well, that's done

I didn't do much today because I'm feeling a little depleted emotionally. I went in for my pre-op chest x-ray and bloodwork. Then I stopped at the pharmacy for the pre-op bowel prep. Ew. Ick. I have an annoying cough. And I'm still as sluggish as I felt when this adventure started.

I want it to be a month from now so I can look back on all my fear and trepidation and say, "Now weren't you just being silly? Surgery wasn't so bad!"

JFK vs. Prince Charles

I'm watching a documentary on Princess Diana, and as always, I miss her. It would have been nice to see how that kindergarten teacher-turned-icon would have evolved in middle age. It would have been wonderful to see her touch more lives with her charity work.

I also think about how she compares with my all-time idol, JBKO. After all, their lives had more than a few similarities -- enjoying the adoration of the world yet deprived the fidelity of their husbands, tormented by the paparazzi, admired for both their fashion sense and their devotion to their children.

But one big difference between them was in their husbands. Prince Charles pined for Camilla Parker-Bowles, even as he was married to Diana. JFK had serial affairs but they were compulsive and carnal and he didn't understand why these "meaningless" flings bothered his wife so damn much. (Mad Men, anyone?) While each man's deplorable behavior had a devastating effect on his wife, it's easy to see how Jackie could comfort herself by believing she was her husband's one true love. Diana was deprived that solace.

Prince Charles was perplexed and annoyed by Diana's fame and impact on the public. After all, HE was the born royal, HE was the future monarch. JFK was too smart and confident to look at his life that way. He was proud of Jackie's star power and knew how to use it to his advantage. For example, their "triumphant" state trip to Europe was really Jackie's triumph. She was the one who created an international sensation. President Kennedy was embarrassed by his meeting with Krushchev and got nothing from DeGaulle, yet he basked in laughs and applause upon their return to the United States by announcing, "Perhaps I should introduce myself: I am the man who accompanied Jacqueline Kennedy to Paris. And I enjoyed it."

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 27

"The happiest days are when babies come." So said the wise Miz Melly Wilkes in Gone with the Wind, and of course she was right. I woke up in the middle of the night -- a little after 2:00 AM -- with a sudden coughing jag and went to the kitchen for ice water. On the way back to the bedroom, I stopped at this here old laptop checked my email. Imagine my surprise to find a pair of baby photos and a birth announcement from one of the best people on the planet!

My buddy is a great guy, one of those people who does nothing by half measure. When he was single, he was one of the horniest horndogs ever, but he never lied to or exploited any of his hook-ups. He genuinely likes women. He's always been a dear, sensitive friend … a hardworking coworker who never skimps on the integrity … and an adoring son. From the time I met him nearly 15 years ago now, he always said that someday he wanted to meet the right girl, marry her, and have a happy home like the one his parents gave him.

Well, now he's truly on his way! After 3 years of marriage, and his wife welcomed a 7 lb., 7 oz. baby boy to the world. I am so happy for him, and for the baby who is going to be showered with love.

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: I Fought the Law

1. Have you ever been on the wrong side of the law? Prepare yourself to be shocked by my lawlessness: I jay walked in front of a police car. It was the Chicago Loop! Don't they have real criminals to think about? Apparently not. A cop actually used his loud speaker to call me out for it. "Lady! Woman in the black coat! Stop!" Of course I didn't. He followed me for a couple of blocks and gave up. Sheesh!

2. What was the last thing you described as either “surprisingly good” or “surprisingly bad?” Ryan and Tatum: The O'Neals. I began watching it by accident -- it came on after the show on Sarah Ferguson I had been watching. I never watched Sarah again, but I never missed an episode of this show. Ryan reminds me -- for good and ill -- so much of my late uncle! Overwhelming temper, terrible regret and undeniable charisma in one volatile package. And just as my uncle loved his cat, Bennie, Ryan has an ineffable soft spot for a puppy named Mozart.

3. When was the last time you unintentionally surprised someone else? At the office. As I was reaching for the frosted-glass doors, someone suddenly opened them from the other side.

4. When was the last time you deliberately surprised someone else? I don't recall.

5. What was the last really funny movie you watched? Horrible Bosses.

6. What is something that you've never done that you secretly are dying to do? Cross Abbey Road barefoot.

7. What do you hope is different in your life by August 2012? I hope I'll be looking back on next month's surgery and thinking how much better I feel.

8. Who is the last person you greeted at your door? Oh, no you don't! These last two questions were asked just two weeks ago!

9. If you could live in any ancient city during the height of the quality of its society and culture, which one would you choose? The nerve!

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 26

Freedom from worry. I'm OK financially. Not as good as I should be, not as good as I want to be, but OK. And right now, to borrow from Bruce Springsteen, "that's all right with me."

Assuming the worst case scenarios for my September surgery, my hospital bill is estimated to be $13,000. My insurance covers 80%, or $10,400. That leaves me with a possible bill of $2,600. Of course I'm not happy about it, but I'm relieved and grateful that it's not the whole thing.

And I'm always getting balance transfer offers from the bank. I know I shouldn't rely so much on credit, but you know what? In this instance my conscience is clear. I wrote myself a BT check for $2,000 and deposited in the bank so I'll have cash on hand when the bill comes. Again, I'm not happy about this, but I'm relieved and grateful that I can cover my medical expenses without dipping into my emergency fund.

And today I met with the HR representative at work and I will be paid 100% for up to 8 weeks off, 50% if I must be off for 12 weeks. It's estimated that I'll be back to work in 6 weeks, so again I'm relieved and grateful.

So all I have to worry about over the next two weeks is my health. I realize that's something not every woman in my position can say.

Nothing but crickets

That's all I'm hearing from my oldest friend in California.

She offered to come out and hold my hand through surgery, sit with my mother while the procedure went down, and stay with me for a few days after I'm released from the hospital. I was afraid to trust her. For, while I believed she sincerely wanted to be there for me, I didn't see how she could. She hasn't been at work since February, living off workman's comp after a tumble at her job. Both her son and her daughter are very troubled. She simply doesn't have the resources to drop everything and come 2000 miles to help.

Yet she won't admit it. First she was angry and hurt because I was rejecting her offer. She reiterated that she would be here for me. PERIOD.

Last week she dialed it back to "gonna try like hell." Because now she may not be able to get a cheap flight, or her own follow-up surgery scheduled (!), or a high school counselor to come over every day and take her daughter (soon to begin her sophomore year) to school. And now there's no way she can be here for both the surgery and the aftermath.

This week I haven't heard a single word from her.

Is she embarrassed? Blue? Has her own surgery been scheduled yet? Is something happening out West that requires her to need my help? I get very frustrated with her.

But I must breathe deeply and remember three things:

1) This is who she is, she's not going to change
2) Her intentions were golden, and that matters
3) No one makes me laugh like she does, and it would be nice if she could make it out here. If not, well, I'm fortunate enough to still have my mom and my friend Kathleen.

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 25

Peapod. My groceries were delivered tonight. I placed the order yesterday afternoon from the office, updated it last night from home (after I confirmed the ketchup situation) and they arrived at my front door tonight. One less thing to do this weekend, so I can get over and have my pre-op bloodwork done, and then concentrate on decluttering and cleaning.

THURSDAY THIRTEEN #138

THIRTEEN OF MY FAVORITE

"MAD MEN" QUOTES

I love Don Draper. I love the 1960s. I even love "the ad game." So naturally I love Mad Men, and therefore am sad that the new season isn't set to premiere until March 2012! This TT is designed to help me as I jones.

#1 Don and Peggy

Don: It’s your job. I give you money. You give me ideas.

Peggy: But you never thank me.

Don: That’s what the money is for!

#2 Roger

“Well, I gotta go learn a bunch of people’s names before I fire them.”

#3 Don on his secretary, Miss Blankenship

"I would have my secretary do it, but she's dead."

#4 Roger

"Remember, every time God closes a door, he opens a dress."

#5 Trudy Campbell on the events of 11/22/63

"I don't care what your politics are. This is America! You just don't shoot the President!"

#6 Peggy seeks creative inspiration

"I'm Peggy Olson and I want to smoke marijuana."

#7 Don seeks creative inspiration

“What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons.”

#8 Bobbie Barrett

"Pick a job and become the person who does it."

#9 Joan waxes philosophical

"That’s life for you. One minute you’re on top of the world, the next minute some secretary’s running you over with a lawnmower."

#10 Don

"If you don't like what's being said, change the conversation."

#11 Don and Midge discuss their future.

Don: Maybe we should get married.

Midge: You think I'd make a good ex-wife?

#12 Don and Pete discuss their future

Pete: I'd follow a guy like you into battle blindfolded. And I wouldn't be the first, would I, buddy?

Don: Let's take it a little slower. I don't want to wind up pregnant.

#13 Don's way of getting past calamity

"Move forward. This never happened. It will shock you how much this never happened."

To learn more about the Thursday Thirteen,
or to play along yourself, click here.

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 24

Being known so well. Out of the blue, my best friend sent me a work-related memo to critique. Since we no longer work for the same agency and consequently don't know each other's projects backward and forward anymore, it took me a little time to figure out what it should say, and then to revise it so he's presenting his point-of-view in the clearest possible way.

We used to do this all the time. He has good, sound ideas, but he's not terribly visual. A little bold here, a few bullets there, breaking up his single seemingly endless paragraph helps. And I was happy to be of service. He hasn't asked me to help like this in a while.

When I sent it back to him, he responded with: "Thank you. Now was that a distraction?"

So he knew how tough days like yesterday are for me, he knows that if I'm left to my own devices I'm just going to obsess, and he was trying to keep my mind off my future surgery. It made me smile.

A better day here at the ranch

Today we have achieved just the right amount of busy for this old Gal. Client input came in reliably, turnaround times are reasonable, we're reviewing new creative internally at 4:00 ... It's not as maddeningly, deadly slow as yesterday was, but not as frantic as I feared today would be because our Thursday in-person presentation has been scaled back to a conference call. That means that, instead of needing everything in the world done before 6:00 this afternoon, we have until sometime tomorrow.

Image: graur razvan ionut / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Loooong rainy day

It's been pouring since before noon. My boss joined most of the account team for a presentation at the client's office, so there's no one available to review the work I've been concentrating on (and will be presenting Thursday). So I'm enduring that frustrating boredom that comes before tomorrow's flurry of activity. You'd think after 30 years of doing this, I'd be able to better calibrate my moods and reactions!

Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 23

Breakfast with the Books. Bookmama, her mother, Snowbird, and her two book loving kids took time out of their trip to Chicago to visit me! The Lego-loving older brother was so patient and well-behaved, eager to tell tales of his trip to the Lego Store at Water Tower Place. His shy, picture-pretty younger sister was a fan of the American Girl Store. And chatting with Bookmama and Snowbird was so warm and comfortable! I got to hear the history of their unique family tradition, Thanksmass. I'm honored that two such nice women carved out more than an hour of their getaway just for me, and I'll remember this -- my first cyberworld-to-real-life experience -- always!

My stapler cyst is so clever

It knew to wait until now to make itself known. For, according to their website, "In Spring 2010, the hospital made a transition to privatize rooms for patients." No roommate for me! Yea!

This is not from my hospital -- they don't have room photos on their site -- but I chose it because it's comparatively no frills and it has a window. A window would be nice.

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 21

Well, that's done. I finally have a date for my surgery: September 9. I got the information I need for having my pre-op bloodwork and x-ray done. I feel less like there's a specter hanging over me and more like I'm moving toward improving my health. And I can make plans for getting my home ready for whoever is staying with me for a few days afterward. (That's all still up in the air. I'm a little frustrated about that, but I'm trying not to harsh my buzz. I found the pony in this shitty situation and I'm clinging to it!)

Another bag to Goodwill

That's three trips to Goodwill in 8 days. Most of what I have parted with are books. That makes me happy. Obviously I am very attached to my reading materials or I wouldn't have accumulated so many that I'm confident I simply don't have the time to revisit. But I like thinking about them finding new homes and being appreciated anew. And, of course, there's the Goodwill aspect. Goodwill helps the disadvantaged find jobs. That's so important now.

And I'm happy I can see so much unfettered floor!

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 21

Back-to-back-to-back episodes of I Love Lucy.

I am feeling so stressed about friends, my upcoming surgery and the arrangements that need to be made (but can't yet), my presentation down at the client this Thursday, which no one but me seems to be anticipating ... So I'm taking refuge in life with the Riccardos at 68th Street in Manhattan, the Tropicana, or all across Beverly Hills. I prefer Lucy & Ricky's black and white world.

Sunday Stealing

The Heaven Eleven Meme

Cheers to all of us thieves!

1. If you could live in any other time period, which would you pick? I'd love to have come of age in the 1960s. The Kennedys, The Beatles, political idealism ... and prevalent air conditioning.

2. What is your favorite topic to write on your blog other than a meme? According to the tags, it's movies.

3. What are some traits that you admire in a lover? Generosity of spirit and a sense of fun. And good hair.

4. Could you adjust to life in another country? If I wanted to ... which I don't.

5. If you could study anything, what would it be? I'm trying to teach myself Spanish. I suck at it, but I continue anyway.

6. What is your favorite possession that cost less than $15? My Hollywood snowglobe, a gift from my best friend.

7. Which color do you wear most often? Blue

8. What has been your “theme song”, or favorite song this summer? "Amy, Amy, Amy," that wise and funny exploration of how helpless we gals are against good old-fashioned lust, by the late, great Amy Winehouse.

9. What's the most romantic thing that's ever been said to you? That when Bob Dylan wrote "Emotionally Yours," he could have been writing how my then-boyfriend felt about me. I like this version by the O'Jays better.




10. What would be your dream birthday cake? Chocolate with vanilla frosting and milk chocolate on top.

11. What is the coolest thing you’ve ever done? Kissed Bruce Springsteen.

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 20

My Mommy. She has been making plans, all on her own, to get us to the hospital and then stay here with me after my surgery. I don't want her here. Of course, I don't want anyone here. I like to be left alone when I don't feel well. But she is on it.

My oldest friend has told me all along that she will fly in from LA to be with me. And I have suspected all along that she won't be here. Yesterday she told me that she's scheduling her own surgery on her arm "ASAP" so that she can get it done and over with in time to hold my hand here in Chicagoland. Then there her very troubled children and her own precarious work situation.

I would love to be wrong about my friend. Of everyone, I think I might be most comfortable with her here when I feel shitty. But I also know that, at her core, she's never been one to suck it up and choose the more difficult path. She wants to come out here and be with me when I need her, she sincerely does, so she said she'd do it -- even though she didn't think through the sacrifice it would take on her end. Just as she wanted to move to California and so she did, without thinking about the consequences of doing it the way she did.

And then on the other end of the spectrum is my mom. Who has seen my oldest friend and I do this dance for years. And who wisely, quietly began making plans on her own to be there with me at the hospital and then for a few days when I get home. I'm so relieved to have a Plan B and to be able to count on her.

It made me cry.

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'

1. In a relationship, have you ever hung in even when you knew for sure it was over? Yes. Partly because I was addicted to the drama, partly because EVERYONE had been telling me for so long that he was a dick and I was so used to defending him that it didn't occur to me I could leave.

2. If you had the ability to perpetually alleviate any pain on your body, what would it be? My gut

3. What place would you visit if money were no object? Chateau Elan, just outside of Atlanta. I haven't been to this luxury spa/vineyard in two years because it's soooo expensive and Colonial Williamsburg has a very nice spa, costs less and has that added shopping/historical thing going. But sometimes I just yearn for the beauty and pampering of Chateau Elan. It's like being in a sensory deprivation tank, away from anything in the outside world that can stress you out.

4. What is one thing you would love to change about yourself? My impatience/lack of discipline

5. Do you think your parents were too strict growing up? My mom was probably too lenient, my dad was strict about the wrong things.

6. In general, how many old friends do you have that you talk to at least once a year? I don't know how to answer this because I'm wondering if you mean"talk" literally, or if birthday/holiday cards and Facebook count.

7. What was the last compliment you received? "You're the glue that holds this team together." I heard that Wednesday afternoon from a coworker who is a bit of a hardass, which made it mean all the more.

8. Have you ever told someone you loved them but didn't really mean it? Yes. But I thought it was OK because I wanted to love him ...

9. In your opinion, would it be harder to lose someone close to you more as a child or harder as an adult? Oh, I dunno! It's never easy.

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 19

Cat naps. And I mean that literally. My big ol' tomcat, Joey, was asleep on my bed when I left for work this morning. When I got home this afternoon at about 2:00, he hadn't yet moved. Since I was home early, an exciting event, he roused himself and stretched contentedly. The sight literally tugged at my heart. He must be 15 years old now (he was an adult shelter rescue, so it's impossible to know for sure), and I'm glad he's so happy and has enjoyed such a good life.

Joey truly is an inspirationally happy soul, always has been. In the 13 years we have known each other, I have only ever seen him display temper once -- at the vet. And he's frightened by thunderstorms and leaving the house. But other than that, his life is completely copacetic. He loves all humans and felines he meets. He seldom turns his nose up at food and he never begs. And he always, always wants a good head rub.