Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Dona Nobis Pacem


"Some men see things as they are and say why -
I dream things that never were and say why not."

Help us make news.
Dream with us. Celebrate with us.
Join us.
Blogblast for Peace -- 11/4/2010

30 Days of Honesty -- Playing Catch Up

I was turned on to this meme by Snarkela. Since I began this blog as a snapshot, an honest chronicle of who I am at this moment, it seems like a good idea.

Since today is November 3, I'm going to answer 3 of the questions now so I can face tomorrow, all caught up.

30 Days of Honesty

Day 1 :: Something you hate about yourself. Laziness. Sloth. I think it's a manifestation of my immaturity, because if a task or topic truly interests me, I can hold it in my teeth like a terrier with a sock and shake it until it's exhausted. But if I'm not motivated, I can just sit on the sofa, doing nothing, filling myself with self loathing.

Day 2 :: Something you love about yourself. I am hopeful. Maybe not about the resolution of a given situation, I can be rather hopeless about some things. But about life itself. I know every day is full of little joys and miracles and I'm fortunate that, no matter how bad my day is, little things like the soft feel of a feline ear or a favorite Motown song on the Oldies Station always somehow find their way to my heart.

Day 3 :: Something you have to forgive yourself for. I stayed in a bad relationship with the wrong man for entirely too long. He did unspeakable things to me and I allowed him to. Because I had confused drama with love, I even baited him into our ugly battles at times. This relationship left me with both physical and emotional scars. I have own the fact that I allowed it -- that I valued myself so cheaply -- so that I never let it happen again. And then I have to forgive myself.

Trying to set the reset button

I took today off as a mental health day.

I slept in (past 8:00 AM!) and did two loads of laundry in my own laundry room (first time since September!). It was good to be able to bleach my undies again.

Took a nap and ordered myself barbecue ribs and followed Illinois' complicated gubernatorial election.

I feel better, but I still have this sense of dread -- mostly about my mother's mental acuity and my oldest friend's recent relocation to California. My mom is frighteningly, progressively more willful and forgetful these days and my friend's freshman-aged daughter is, I fear, on the verge of making some serious mistakes at her new high school. The girl is going from a conservative suburb in Illinois' DuPage Co. to Beverly Hills High. I'm not sure that posts that say, "Itz Halloween motherfuckers" and "u r a fag but my fag" and references to suicide are the way to represent her to her new classmates, or my friend to the mothers of her new classmates.

I worry. I worry. I worry. But I'm trying to let go what I can't change and just move on. And I do feel better today. Maybe blissful, uninterrupted sleep really is what I needed.

I Want Wednesday

I want to win my battle with worry.

In my way, I'll miss Christine O'Donnell