Thursday, October 28, 2010

Now where did this come from?

I'm still blue about Crazy Old Neighbor. These are such complicated feelings -- being confronted with such genuine insanity is scary, and I'm angry because our laundry room is still messed up and much of his graffiti still remains, and I'm sad because it was such a waste of a life, and I feel guilty that I was an audience to his self-destruction instead of a help to his healing. It's been nearly two months and I'm having a hard time shaking it.

I've discussed it with both my shrink and my oldest friend. My shrink says that while just "letting it go" has always been very hard for me, it's something I have to do because holding on to this serves no purpose. My oldest friend says that, when she finds herself fixating on something upsetting, she conjures up some Barry Manilow tune.

At first I mocked her technique, but my distraction tactic is just as cheesey. As I pass Crazy Old Neighbor's scratches, gouges and paint splatters, I think of the theme from Who's the Boss? I have no idea why this is what popped into my mind, but it did and I'm sticking with it. It's lighthearted, if you don't dwell on the tragic irony of the lyrics.

"The choice is up to you, my friend." As I write this post, my cat Reynaldo is at my side for his evening snuggle. Old sitcoms, affectionate kitties, the new PEOPLE with William and Kate on the cover ... There are dozens of things every day that can make you happy if you let them. Every day gives us the opportunity for "a brand new life." Being unable to see that is what made Crazy Old Neighbor such a pathetic bastard.