Saturday, September 29, 2012

It needs to be said

I've been so distracted by personal events this week that I completely ignored the passing of Andy Williams.

He's been mentioned at least a half dozen times on this blog over the years, usually in regards to autumn or Christmas. His voice is packed with memories to me. So, to borrow from Arthur Miller, "attention must be paid."

He had 21 Gold albums and three Emmy awards. And even though in later years he seemed to morph into a RWNJ, he will always have a spot in my heart for his wrenching performance of "Battle Hymn of the Republic" at Bobby Kennedy's funeral mass.

Rest in peace, Andy.

Saturday 9

1. When did you last feel down and out? When I read Bud's introduction to this week's Saturday 9. Makes me feel very sad to see this chapter come to a close. I feel as though I know him and I'll be losing a friend.

2. What do you do to feel sexy? I don't "do" anything because I either feel it or I don't. Sometimes I feel it at the most inappropriate times about the most inappropriate men. If only it was something I could switch on and off like the hallway light.

3. Do you think people think you are normal? Most likely not. But, as my best friend likes to say, "what does normal look like?"

4. What have you always wanted to do? Remodel my bathroom! I will someday, too. As God as my witness, I will one day rid myself of that Pepto Bismol pink bathtub!

5. What do you appreciate the most about your life at this time? Not a lot. I've hit a rough patch. My mommy died earlier this month and the enormity of that statement has yet to hit me. Things are not going well at work. Along with my mother's passing came incremental financial responsibilities. Sometimes I want to scream ... except I don't have the energy. (Sorry, but you asked!)

6. If you could be somewhere else, where would you be and why? Philadelphia, ca 1992. I was very much in love and filled with hope for the future and the country. ("Don't stop thinking about tomorrow ...")

7.  Have you ever made a fool of yourself? If yes, spill. Oh, please! I am such a klutz! It would require a second blog for me to catalog all the times I've embarrassed myself by a fall, stumble, drop or dribble.

8. How often do you feel guilty? A lot lately. My mom's death brings up a lot of unwelcome feelings. Mostly guilt about people I should call back or write to and haven't because I just can't. I have a strong desire to move on, to face forward and simply recall happier times with my mom. But there are quite a few people who mean well but want to talk about IT -- her final illness, death, and the gruesome family aftermath of the funeral and now trying to empty her house. People's feelings are precious and I don't like how casually I appear to be treating them. So I feel guilty.

9. Give us an example of what you’ve done when feeling low self-esteem. I fake it. I'm utterly tone deaf and to hide this fact, I only mouth the words when called upon to sing in public. That includes hymns at church, "Happy Birthday" and The National Anthem at Cub games. (As luck would have it, I have not had to face singing "Go, Cubs, Go!" very much this season.) I view that as a metaphor. When I have low self-esteem, I pretend I'm fully participating and know what I'm doing.


This weekend's challenge:  Take one of your former Trifecta or Trifextra 33 word entries and build upon it with another 33 words. 

I revisited the challenge from August -- to write the last 33 words of my book -- and then added the 33 previous words. I enjoy the exercise of working backwards and seeing where the story takes me … in reverse.

The bailiffs surrounded him. He removed his watch and that gold stud I gave him long ago and handed them to the public defender. He very nearly maintained his dignity despite the handcuffs.

Twenty months will grind inexorably by until it brings us to the next shared moment in our sad saga – and when Sam is released from prison, I’ll be there, waiting at the gate.