|This is what I'm channeling|
Remember that great scene toward the end of Gone with the Wind
? Scarlett goes running through the streets of pre-dawn Atlanta, trying to get to her home and to Rhett, and she finds herself enveloped in fog. It's like she actually living in her recurring nightmare.
That's me these days. I feel oppressed by a feeling of foreboding. I don't know for sure what I'm dreading, but I'm sure something bad is going to happen.
Maybe it's work.
I don't know. Things have been challenging and frustrating, but then, I work in advertising. It's supposed to be challenging and frustrating. My most recent efforts have been part of a large-scale effort, and as crappy as it's been, I have seen first hand that the other creative team isn't being treated any better.
Maybe it's financial.
My place is a mess. Being home everlastingly these days, I'm more aware than ever before that it needs work. New windows, new flooring. The kitchen could stand a refresh. But I don't have the money. I imagine it would cost $10,000 to get it the way I want it, and I don't have that cash in a box under my bed. Also, where would my cats and I go when the work was being done. There's a pandemic! (I am, however, having some work done next week. Maybe I'd feel better if I concentrate on what I am doing and not on what still needs to be done.)
Maybe it's being on the condo board.
No maybe about this one. I discovered during the last week that everyone who lives in this building seems to hate me and Brian, the other boardmember. It makes me want to stand in the hall and shout, "Fuck you all."
Maybe it's personal.
It's been 10 more days since I've heard from my oldest friend
. I miss her. But I guess she's simply not able to be my friend these days. I miss getting together with all my friends these days. Pandemic is getting to me.
Maybe it's the world. A 17-year-old boy took an AR-15 style rifle and killed two people during civil unrest in Kenosha
. Think about that: If you're white, you can be underage and walk around with an automatic weapon and no one bothers you. If you're black, a cop will kneel on your neck if you're suspected of passing a fake $20 bill. It doesn't help that this is going on at the same time as the RNC. What a tone-deaf, screeching crew of Marie Antoinettes that's been!
Maybe it's baseball.
The Cubs are still in first place, they've been struggling.
But anyway, I'm worried about something very bad
, but I don't know what. I hope I'm just worrying about nothing again. Like I do.