Compassion Challenge: Day 17

We did this as a congregation in 2021 and I'm doing it myself this year. My life feels different now than it did 365 days ago, and I hope this will keep me grounded and help me live my faith.

Inspiring Compassion: The 30 Day Compassion Challenge. 30 days to explore the topic of compassion: Mindfulness, Compassion for Friends & Family, Self-Compassion, Compassion for All, Compassion for Our Planet.

Day 17 was devoted to Connie.

When we went to the vet this morning, I expected it would be an in-and-out affair. Annual shots and boom! We're done! After all, my girl cat seemed fine. She always seems fine. She's a good-natured, sweet girl.

Unfortunately it was not that easy. The vet discovered a pair sores -- one on either side of the inside of her mouth. She's 10 years old now, which makes her a senior citizen, so this requires attention. She got a shot of antibiotics and Monday, we begin a course of steroids. After the new year, there's dental work in her future.

She is a cat's cat. She loves a good snuggle with me, but she shines with the other cats. She was such a comfort to Joey, my big old boy, at the end of his life.  My cat Reynaldo had abandoned Joe, because he no longer liked to play. Connie just hung out with him.

She and Reynaldo were really best friends. They played and slept together like a pair of fur shrimp. When Roy Hobbs joined us, she took over his grooming.

The next few months are going to require a bit of work on our part. Connie and I are going to have to be patient with one another as we get her well. I admit I'm not thrilled about the cost. 

But she is a dear little furry soul. She is my responsibility. I take her wellness seriously.

Compassion Challenge: Day 15

We did this as a congregation in 2021 and I'm doing it myself this year. My life feels different now than it did 365 days ago, and I hope this will keep me grounded and help me live my faith.

Inspiring Compassion: The 30 Day Compassion Challenge. 30 days to explore the topic of compassion: Mindfulness, Compassion for Friends & Family, Self-Compassion, Compassion for All, Compassion for Our Planet.

Day 15 was Mindfulness.

I admit I'm struggling right now. It seems I have something icky to do every day. Doctor appointments -- now that we seem to have my kidneys in shape, it's time to turn our attention to my pancreas and I'm scared. The dentist and the oral surgeon (two different teeth). Calls about my 401k rollover and annuities. Coordinating COBRA and Medicare. Follow-ups with Illinois Unemployment. Oh yeah, I keep forgetting Connie's vet appointment!

I'm nervous about my fiscal and physical future. I'm facing a lot of unknowns here. I don't deal with unknowns well.

But you know what? I am not the only person in the world. I must be mindful of that.

Last night, Patrick called. He's the one who knows Henry and Reg best. We're spending Christmas together again in Key West. We admitted to one another that, with the precipitous decline in Henry's condition, this could be the last time. That weighs on us both.

At 68, Patrick is looking at a new job opportunity. A new restaurant is starting up during the busy Key West winter season and they want his input and help. It's exciting and flattering, but it's also a big responsibility and it will be physically taxing. 

He's trying to get past a bad relationship. He's making progress, but at times it washes over him that he was foolish. 

Last night, we listened to each other. 

I respect Patrick's insights and was comforted to hear what he had to say about my life. It was also good for me to get out of my own damn head for 45 minutes and talk about his.

Compassion Challenge: Weekend Edition

We did this as a congregation in 2021 and I'm doing it myself this year. My life feels different now than it did 365 days ago, and I hope this will keep me grounded and help me live my faith.

Inspiring Compassion: The 30 Day Compassion Challenge. 30 days to explore the topic of compassion: Mindfulness, Compassion for Friends & Family, Self-Compassion, Compassion for All, Compassion for Our Planet.

This weekend, two of my friends did not behave as I would have, or as I wanted/expected them to. I had to adjust my thinking and calibrate my compassion. It's not up to them to their lives the way I want them to.

Elaine had to put her beloved cat down recently. The pedigreed ragdoll had been very ill for a long time. She took him to regular vet and acupuncture appointments. He kept fading and losing weight. He was dying. Her vet gently explained this to her, and even more telling to me, her dog started treating the elderly cat differently, go so far as relieving himself in the cat's litter box. Elaine hung on, and she admitted she was feeling different about her dog. She didn't think she could "forgive" the pooch for "bullying" the sick cat.

Nature is brutal. The dog was behaving like a dog, trying to drive a dying animal from the herd. The cat was suffering. I kept my mouth shut throughout all this, except to say, "I'm so sorry." It wasn't my business.

The cat finally was out of his misery, and Elaine gave the dog away. To the couple who petsit her and loved her. Who want her. So I suppose it was a happy ending. Then Elaine set out to get another cat.

She flirted a bit with animal shelters but couldn't find any cats she clicked with. I can't fathom that. I go into a shelter and fall in love instantly. Then she contacted a breeder will be picking up another pedigreed kitten soon.

It's important to the story that the dog was a shelter rescue. I wonder if she would have so quick to part with a purebred dog

Do I sound judgey in the above? Well, I am. I have volunteered at animal shelters. I know how many furry souls are waiting to/willing to love us if we will let them. Just because they didn't cost thousands of dollars doesn't mean they don't deserve good lives.

But Elaine is grieving. She is doing what she can to get through. As long as the dog will be well cared for -- and she will -- none of this is my business, except to support my friend as she deals with the loss of her cat.

So I made a contribution to a local animal shelter in memory of Elaine's cat. Elaine will get a note from the shelter, mentioning him, and that will salve her heart. And his death will help save another feline life.  

My oldest friend is grieving a cat, too. She won't talk about it. At least not to me. Except for a text or two, all I've gotten is radio silence.

I haven't forgotten what she told me last year, when I had to say put my Reynaldo to sleep. "I couldn't do it," she said more than once. Well, now she's had to. So I am worried about her -- she's 2,000 miles away and has myriad health problems. I want her to check in with me. I want her to tell me she's OK.

That would make me feel better. But would it make her feel better? Maybe not.

Like Elaine, she's doing what she can to get through this. And it's not about me. Everything is not about The Gal!

So I sent her an Uber Eats gift card, so she could indulge in some comfort food. I sent her a chatty email. I'll keep the lines of communication open to remind her that I'm here when she's ready.

When she's ready.

Compassion Challenge: Day 10

We did this as a congregation in 2021 and I'm doing it myself this year. My life feels different now than it did 365 days ago, and I hope this will keep me grounded and help me live my faith.

Inspiring Compassion: The 30 Day Compassion Challenge. 30 days to explore the topic of compassion: Mindfulness, Compassion for Friends & Family, Self-Compassion, Compassion for All, Compassion for Our Planet.

Day 10 was Compassion for All. Just about every one I met.

It was not a good day, but it was no one's fault. Sometimes, when things go wrong, there are no bad guys. Shit just happens. And I kept reminding myself that we're all in this together.

I think I finally got the snafu resolved with Illinois Unemployment. You're not going to get a rant against government bureaucracy from me. I understand why it was especially complicated for me -- it had to do with fraud prevention -- and I just had to go through all the necessary steps to get it worked out. Every civil servant I dealt with* was professional and some were especially kind and helpful. As unhappy as I was about having to show up in person, to wait in folding chair, to produce my Social Security card and State ID and cell phone bill, to answer the same questions over and over, it was not the fault of any of the people I dealt with, who were just employees doing a necessary job.

Because of the low unemployment rate, the most easily accessible location never reopened after covid and I had to travel quite a way to do this. If I took a rideshare the whole way, both ways, it would $70 with tip. GULP! I'm now unemployed, I have to economize! So I figured I'd save $15 on the way home, when time was less important, by taking the car to the train and then using my train pass.

The woman who picked me up in her LYFT was pleasant enough. But then after a few blocks she pulled into a Walgreens parking lot. Her car just wasn't handling right and she didn't think it was safe. I appreciate her caution, but here I am, in an unfamiliar neighborhood, with a train to catch and no way to get home. Still, this woman needs her car to make her living and it wasn't running well -- I smelled something very bad when I got out -- so there was no point complaining to her. She was unhappy enough.

I called an Uber. By the time it arrived, I would never catch my train. It wasn't the Uber driver's fault that it took her 8 minutes to reach me, and that by now traffic was picking up. I was miserable about wasting money this way, but it was no one's fault.

The first chapter of Joe Maddon's book is "Whatever You Put Out There Comes Back to You." I tried to keep my favorite Cub skipper's voice in my head as I traversed yesterday's rocky path. It is my hope that if I treat everyone with patience and compassion, that's what I will receive in return.

And you know what? Even after a tiring and rather difficult day, I was in an OK mood. Lesson learned.

*Except one. But let's accentuate the positive.

Compassion Challenge: Day 8

We did this as a congregation in 2021 and I'm doing it myself this year. My life feels different now than it did 365 days ago, and I hope this will keep me grounded and help me live my faith.

Inspiring Compassion: The 30 Day Compassion Challenge. 30 days to explore the topic of compassion: Mindfulness, Compassion for Friends & Family, Self-Compassion, Compassion for All, Compassion for Our Planet.

On Day 8, I needed some Self-Compassion.

My dear friend Henry's husband Reg has been railing on Facebook again. About how miserable his life is. How hard it is to be Henry's sole caregiver. Henry suffered a TBI after a bike accident in 2018 and he is not the man he was before. This year has been particularly difficult. Henry has had two stints in the psychiatric ward because his grip on reality and the here-and-now is slipping away.

 

What Reg doesn't say is that:

 

1) Henry never got the occupational and physical therapy doctors recommended. Reg insisted he could handle it.

2) Henry has never been declared disabled. This would have released funds from Social Security. Funds Henry is entitled to. Reg won't do it. He has the name of an attorney who specializes in this. Reg won't even talk to him.

3) For all his complaints about caregiving, Reg has never received any training whatsoever. He won't join any support groups. He won't speak to a therapist. Even though our mutual friend Patrick has offered to pay for it.

I am offended. Why does Reg insist on putting Henry's personal life online like this? Because he's hooked on the "likes" and on hearing, "Poor, brave you."

I am angry. My darling Henry's life is slipping away, and Reg has engineered this. 

I am frustrated. Reg is Henry's husband. He has the legal right to make all decisions. All I can do is wring my hands and watch.

I am heartbroken. Henry can be so dear. He deserves better than this. 

I am guilty. Reg and Henry were happy once, and I know that many of the misguided decisions Reg made at the beginning were made from love. As keenly as I feel the loss of Henry, Reg's loss is greater. Who am I to be so judgemental?

 

I have to let myself off the hook. These are just my feelings. I have not responded to Reg's Facebook post. I haven't even acknowledged it. 

I am going to spend Christmas with Henry and Reg again this year. When I think of how Henry has deteriorated over the last 12 months, I suspect this will be my last holiday season with my friend. It's possible that by this time next year, Henry won't even know me. 

I hurt. I am mourning. 

If my reaction to Reg's Facebook post was harsh, so be it. I can't control my feelings but my actions have not been unkind. So there's that.

Compasion Challenge: Day 7

We did this as a congregation in 2021 and I'm doing it myself this year. My life feels different now than it did 365 days ago, and I hope this will keep me grounded and help me live my faith.

Inspiring Compassion: The 30 Day Compassion Challenge. 30 days to explore the topic of compassion: Mindfulness, Compassion for Friends & Family, Self-Compassion, Compassion for All, Compassion for Our Planet.

I don't know how to classify this one. But I learned a lesson about how easy it is to be nice, and that it matters.

Donna joined our movie group months ago and, since she lives in Philly, has never actually met any of us in person.* Some of us have been in this group for nine years. We take occasional "field trips" to see movies in person and several of us have attended the TCM Classic Film Festival together in Hollywood. This group is how I've made friends with Will, Joanna and Elaine. Being in Philadelphia, Donna can't benefit from in-person bonding. 

So at the beginning of our online Zooms, I give her a shout out. Not every week, frankly, but when it occurs to me. I remember showing off for her by correctly pronouncing Philly locations Bala Cynwyd and Schuykill (I admit that while I pronounce them, I had to look up the spelling just now because they are so not phonetic!). When I saw her wearing a Phillies hoodie at the beginning of the playoffs, I wished her luck and talked to her about former Cub/Phillies star Kyle Schwarber.

Just a quick exchange, seldom more than a minute, over Zoom. After all, the group meets to discuss movies, not to hear me blather on other topics.

Last night, Donna reached out. Wanting to know if I'm going to the Film Festival this year (I am) and would I be willing to meet her for dinner in Hollywood. It's her first time, she's going alone, and she wants tips. She also wants to be Facebook friends. Of course!

Little things mean a lot. I notice when someone is kind to me, so I guess it should be no surprise that my acts of kindness matter to others. Yet it did surprise and please me.

*Before covid, we met once/month and watched movies together on a big screen. Now we're weekly on Zoom. We watch the movies online on our own.

 

Compassion Challenge: Day 6

We did this as a congregation in 2021 and I'm doing it myself this year. My life feels different now than it did 365 days ago, and I hope this will keep me grounded and help me live my faith.

Inspiring Compassion: The 30 Day Compassion Challenge. 30 days to explore the topic of compassion: Mindfulness, Compassion for Friends & Family, Self-Compassion, Compassion for All, Compassion for Our Planet.

Today would be Compassion for All, because I don't know exactly who I was extending myself for. It doesn't really matter.

Sunday I walked about a half mile to Dollar Tree. It was a lovely Sunday afternoon -- about 65º and sunny. I wanted to buy their canned pumpkin. It's $1.25/can vs. $2.99 at Target and my cat Connie gets a few spoonsful every day. Anyway, after I paid and was on the way out of the store, I saw a big bin. Mostly empty. The store is collecting toys for underprivileged children at Christmas.

If there's anything I'm a sucker for, it's kids at Christmas. Maybe it's because I worked in advertising for more than 40 years and did my bit to commercialize Christmas. I even wrote toys for the Sears Wish Book (I was the Care Bear lady in the 1980s). 

So instead of leaving the store, I went back to the toy aisle and picked up two things. One was a plush Berenstein Bear (the pink one). The other was a heavy cardboard Frozen movie tie-in book. I purposely went with brands kids would recognize. My second purchase came to less than $3. I suppose it was, quite literally, the least I could do. But I did not know the organization Dollar Tree was collecting for, and I try to be smart with my donation dollars, so I didn't want to invest more.

But that doesn't mean I'm done for the holiday season. Even though it's still unseasonably warm and sunny, Christmas will soon be on us. I will have more opportunities to do good and I shall seize them.

Compassion Challenge: Day 5

We did this as a congregation in 2021 and I'm doing it myself this year. My life feels different now than it did 365 days ago, and I hope this will keep me grounded and help me live my faith.

Inspiring Compassion: The 30 Day Compassion Challenge. 30 days to explore the topic of compassion: Mindfulness, Compassion for Friends & Family, Self-Compassion, Compassion for All, Compassion for Our Planet.

I guess today would be Compassion for Friends & Family, though Aisha and I have never really been friends. In a way, it's also Self-Compassion, because it gives me something productive to do with my anger. Let me explain ...

Aisha is a project manager. She was added to our team at work a year ago, when the agency/client relationship was still good (meaning, before agency management completely fucked it up). Her job was to help keep all of our schedules straight so we could meet our deadlines. She was OK. She certainly tried hard. Every morning she sent out a "hot sheet" listing our daily deliverables and she closed it with a "Today in History" trivia tidbit. I appreciated the latter. Most of us were too self-involved to read the whole "hot sheet," we only checked our portion, and probably didn't even see her "Today in History," but I loved that little bit of extra effort.

Anyway, due to colossal mismanagement on our boss' part, we lost the client and Aisha lost her job. Because she'd been with us just 11 months, she only got one week of severance. While we were comparing our travails with unemployment from the State of Illinois, she casually mentioned that the food stamp application process was easier.

FOOD STAMPS? Upper management screws up and now Aisha has to depend on food stamps? That is so massively unfair. They have no accountability, she has no money. I cannot begin to articulate how mad this makes me.

So I tried to refocus. Instead of thinking of management, I thought of Aisha. I offered to be her reference when she starts interviewing. I left her a recommendation on LinkedIn. I told her to call on me any time.

I also realize, and am grateful, for how lucky I am. I will be receiving severance for 4 months. I qualify for unemployment and then, if I choose, I can collect Social Security. I have a 401(k). I'll be OK, for a while at least. I can afford to relax, concentrate on getting better, and take stock of my future and my options. Aisha doesn't have those advantages. My energy is better spent supporting her, not railing against the management that doesn't have any relevance to my life anymore.

Compassion Challenge: Day 4

We did this as a congregation in 2021 and I'm doing it myself this year. My life feels different now than it did 365 days ago, and I hope this will keep me grounded and help me live my faith.

Inspiring Compassion: The 30 Day Compassion Challenge. 30 days to explore the topic of compassion: Mindfulness, Compassion for Friends & Family, Self-Compassion, Compassion for All, Compassion for Our Planet

Today I indulged in self-compassion. I've had a rough month: kidney stone pain, lithotripsy, lay off, dental work, my niece's gallbladder surgery and the subsequent complications,* back aches, enrolling in Medicare, a snafu with Illinois Unemployment ... I deserve a break. So I gave myself one.

My calendar was completely empty. I stayed in bed past 9:00 AM, watching one of my favorite classics, Holiday. Then I lingered in the shower and listened to some baseball podcasts. I went to the movies and saw George Clooney and Julia Roberts in Ticket to Paradise. Now I'm watching another oldie (I'll Be Seeing You) in advance of Monday's movie group.

I like myself. I'm a good person. I deserve a no-stress, happy day!

*She suffered from a bile duct obstruction and was readmitted. She will be fine, but it upsets me that she was scared and in pain on her birthday.

 

Compassion Challenge: Day 3

We did this as a congregation in 2021 and I'm doing it myself this year. My life feels different now than it did 365 days ago, and I hope this will keep me grounded and help me live my faith.

Inspiring Compassion: The 30 Day Compassion Challenge. 30 days to explore the topic of compassion: Mindfulness, Compassion for Friends & Family, Self-Compassion, Compassion for All, Compassion for Our Planet

Today I focused on Mindfulness. I didn't "lean into it." I showed compassion by leaning back and taking people as they come.

Twice today people were pugnacious with me. Here I was just going along with my life and these separate individuals seemed to want to argue with me. I didn't take the bait.

Instead I considered how vulnerable they must feel to think that my words or actions had anything whatsoever to do with them. How being that unnecessarily defensive must leave a person feeling anxious.

I won't always be this patient. But today I mindfully chose compassion.

Compassion Challenge: Day 2 (Revised)

We did this as a congregation in 2021 and I'm doing it myself this year. My life feels different now than it did 365 days ago, and I hope this will keep me grounded and help me live my faith.

Inspiring Compassion: The 30 Day Compassion Challenge. 30 days to explore the topic of compassion: Mindfulness, Compassion for Friends & Family, Self-Compassion, Compassion for All, Compassion for Our Planet

Today I focused on Friends and Family. Rita was a junior writer at my last agency. She was let go the same day I was, but, fortunately, already had a new job lined up!* It's with a smaller agency, but considering how the vaunted big agency C-Suite messed up, this isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Anyway, this is Rita's first week on the job and she seemed a little embarrassed to be working on the weekly ads for a regional grocery store chain. Like somehow it's a step back from the web banners and event marketing she had done when we worked together.

I pointed out to her that 1) shoppers will be looking for and reading her ads, as opposed to the intrusive web banners we did, that likely were only clicked on 5% of the time† and 2) our client never asked for or paid for those event marketing initiatives. The event marketing may have seemed exciting to her at the time, but they helped get us all tossed to the curb. 

I told her she's contributing. She's helping busy, time-stressed working moms (like herself) plan their shopping trips. She's helping her client move product. Getting the word out about saving $1 on Quaker Oats may not seem glam, but it's actually more relevant to her audience than anything she did at our high-end agency.

I think she heard me. I hope so. I understand her frustration, but I know I'm right about this. Plus, it's only her first week! Her new agency does signage for grocery store brands and fast food restaurants you know. She'll get higher-profile assignments once she proves herself.

There's a baseball phrase managers tell pitchers: Trust your stuff. That's why I told her. "You're there for a reason. Do your best. Trust your stuff. Appreciate the value in what you're doing."

*Bitch all you want about inflation, but the job market is still solid. Does that mean we are or aren't on the verge of Recession? I don't know ...

†Think about it. How often do you actually click on those banners?

Compassion Challenge: 2022: Day 1

We did this as a congregation in 2021 and I'm doing it myself this year. My life feels different now than it did 365 days ago, and I hope this will keep me grounded and help me live my faith.

Inspiring Compassion: The 30 Day Compassion Challenge. 30 days to explore the topic of compassion: Mindfulness, Compassion for Friends & Family, Self-Compassion, Compassion for All, Compassion for Our Planet

Today I focused on Mindfulness. I went to the hospital for a followup with the urologist who performed my lithotripsy. I'd never been in his office before. He took my case when I was in the ER, and then he performed the procedure in the main hospital. 

Finding his office took forever. I literally walked through three different buildings in the hospital campus, and then, when I finally found the right third floor, the suites were not numbered sequentially.

Now I am notoriously navigation challenged, but the problem here was not me. I spent the last leg of my journey with a man who was having the same trouble en route to the same office. The signage at the hospital is woefully inadequate. Those repeated reminder texts only said the suite number, not which building.

Oh, I was frustrated. But I was mindful. No one that I spoke to en route to the doctor's office was at fault. The working women stationed at the information desks didn't post the signage or devise the office numbering system. So I consciously chose not to take my frustration out on them.

By the way, being mindful gave me the emotional space to be grateful that the urologist thinks I'm doing just fine.

 

Compassion Challenge -- Day 28

 I'm encouraged to participate in this November challenge with my church congregation.

Inspiring Compassion: The 30 Day Compassion Challenge. 30 days to explore the topic of compassion: Mindfulness, Compassion for Friends & Family, Self-Compassion, Compassion for All, Compassion for Our Planet.

Sunday, once again, I kept my mouth shut.

I went to Boston Market because I didn't feel like cooking and I had a coupon for 15% off. I ordered a chicken pot pie, a side order of stuffing (to enjoy later), and, to put me over the dollar amount to qualify for the savings, a cookie. FYI: They have very good chocolate at Boston Market. 

The cashier, clearly new, forgot my cookie. I discovered this when I got home. I was unreasonably unhappy. I admit I'd been thinking about that cookie all the way home.

I was too lazy to go back. But I also didn't become a keyboard warrior and log into "Tell Boston Market." 

I know that there's a school of thought that she had a simple job to do: put my ordered items in a bag and take my money. She didn't do it.

On the other hand, Thanksgiving is The Super Bowl at Boston Market. I imagine the staff -- who may not have wanted to work at all because they have loved ones, too -- worked very hard and are tired. Plus, she is new. AND no one really needs a cookie. Not even a big, delicious chocolate chunk cookie.

Compassion for All.

 

 

Compassion Challenge -- Day 26

 I'm encouraged to participate in this November challenge with my church congregation.

Inspiring Compassion: The 30 Day Compassion Challenge. 30 days to explore the topic of compassion: Mindfulness, Compassion for Friends & Family, Self-Compassion, Compassion for All, Compassion for Our Planet.

Yesterday, I kept my mouth shut.

I try to be sensitive to the homeless. I remember that they are people who have a much tougher life than I could endure. Sleeping outside, subject to crime and scorn. Facing uncertainty and illness. No, I don't subscribe for a moment to the theory that they're just "lazy."

But homeless people are people, and like any group of people, there are bad ones mixed in with the good. Here in town, we have a long-time homeless man who is a strange combination of entitled and mean. He doesn't respect your space when he asks for money. Now he's been panhandling around here for years, so I'm not afraid of him. But for people who don't know him, I imagine it's scary to have him in your face. Years ago -- before the pandemic -- he got a forever spot on my bad side because he actually tried to shame me for not giving him enough money. We were on the el platform and he asked me (as always, standing too close) for "money for a sandwich." I took the dime and nickels from my pocket and handed them to him.

"I can't buy a sandwich with this!" he shouted, going on to tell my fellow commuters, "I asked her for money for a sandwich, and she gives me a quarter!"

First of all, I would never give away my quarters. I need them for laundry! Secondly, what the ever loving hell?

"The correct response," I said icily, "would be 'thank you.' It's not my responsibility to buy you a sandwich." A much nicer person than I will ever be said, "I got you, Buddy," and gave him a dollar bill. 

Every time he's begun to approach me, ever since, wherever we are, I remind him of that day. "Remember this face," I always tell him. "I'm the woman you insulted on the el platform because I didn't give you enough. I will never help you." 

There are enough people who need my help, want my help, and don't try to guilt or extort my help. I won't waste my time, energy or money by giving one of my blessings bags* to him.

ANYWAY (it's taken me a long while to get to present day, hasn't it?) yesterday I saw him again. He was on the corner in front of the bank, yelling at the streetlight and throwing something -- turns out it was dry Ramen noodles -- at the button you press for the WALK light. He was really mad at that button. The light had changed, and changed back, but he wouldn't stop scolding it.

He was clearly having some sort of break. I kept walking. I encountered a pair of cops in front of Target. I was going to tell them about the homeless man, and then I didn't.

Maybe they would have helped him, and his life would be better for it. Or maybe they would have arrested him, which could have upset and frightened him. I don't know.

I do know what was in my heart, though. It wasn't help for him. It was more punitive. I wanted him off the street. I wanted to be rid of his embarrassing display. He was an eyesore. 

Since my motivation was far from altruistic, I kept my mouth shut. It was a busy Black Friday. I wasn't the only one who saw him. Let a kinder person, a person without our baggage, help him. Because I think intent matters, and my intent would have been unkind.

Compassion for all, even him. Maybe especially him.

  

*I always carry ziplock bags containing a clean mask, a package of tissues, a breakfast bar and a $1 bill. Sometimes I include cough drops or a comb. Depends on what's on the shelves at The Dollar Store.

Compassion Challenge -- Day 23

I'm encouraged to participate in this November challenge with my church congregation.

Inspiring Compassion: The 30 Day Compassion Challenge. 30 days to explore the topic of compassion: Mindfulness, Compassion for Friends & Family, Self-Compassion, Compassion for All, Compassion for Our Planet.

Tuesday, I revisited and recognized limitations.

My friend Kathy has cognitive issues. I don't know exactly what they are because she refuses to discuss them with a doctor. But she cannot keep a thought in her head.

I don't enjoy talking to her. She begins every conversation with, "I used to have trouble with my head, years ago, but it's better now." Then she proceeds to prove it isn't true. She interrupts a conversation by randomly asking who this or that person is. Did we work with him/her? She started to explain why she doesn't/can't watch TV -- even though she has accumulated several sets -- but lost her train of thought. She wanted to know where John, Gregory and I are dining for Thanksgiving and seemed surprised we were having turkey. I mentioned to her that my neighborhood (she used to live here, too) had suffered a major fire on main street Tuesday, destroying my favorite breakfast diner and damaging my beloved movie theater. She was dismissive.

This is sad and tiring, but I know she can't help it. I also know that fewer and fewer friends connect with her precisely because her conversations are sad and tiring, so I recognize my gestures matter.

But then she pissed me off. She has to move. Her landlord has sold the building she lives in. She told me she can't afford more than don't-feel-sorry-for-me-$750-a-month (that's how she said it each time) and wants to stay in Dekalb, a college town more than an hour away from Chicago.

"I couldn't find anything for don't-feel-sorry-for-me-$750-a-month in your neighborhood. But that's OK. Where you live is pretty soulless now."

"You'll be happy to know then that soulless main street was fucking destroyed today." 

"Oh, yeah. What's your condo worth now, anyway?"

Since the disparity between our finances has long bothered her, I try to avoid such conversations. First of all, it's not like I'm Melinda Gates. My condo needs new windows, new carpeting and a kitchen upgrade to get a competitive price. (That's what: $15,000 worth of work?) Secondly, I refuse to apologize for being a more successful writer than she was. Friends are supposed to support each other, be happy for one another. 

But last night I gave her a number. Then I got off the phone as soon as I could, telling her that I wished her a happy Thanksgiving and that I'd let John and Gregory know she asked about them and wants to hear from them. I tried to end it on a high note, even though I was upset.

I must remember that she can't help it. Her cognitive issues make it hard for her to keep track of conversations and exacerbate her less attractive qualities.

I shouldn't be so quick to anger, so snappish. She can't help it.

On the other hand, while I can't let myself off the hook for my impatience, I have to forgive myself for letting my temper get the better of me. I'm not perfect. But at least I call. John and Gregory don't bother. The four of us met nearly 40 years ago, and I honor that. I put in the time. When I fall short, I must do better. But I should also cut myself some slack. 

Compassion for her, and compassion for me.

 

 

Compassion Challenge -- Day 22

I'm encouraged to participate in this November challenge with my church congregation.

Inspiring Compassion: The 30 Day Compassion Challenge. 30 days to explore the topic of compassion: Mindfulness, Compassion for Friends & Family, Self-Compassion, Compassion for All, Compassion for Our Planet.

Monday, I reached back.

An old friend, someone I was very close to at one time, reached out to me for my birthday. An ecard with a personal message: Gal, thinking about you and hope you are doing well.

My first response? I don't need this. I literally haven't heard from him since my Cubs won the World Series in 2016. I'd been very hurt by silence on my 2016 birthday and Christmas 2016, and then tried to let it go. Some bruises don't ever heal completely, though. I'd trusted him, thought we were part of one anothers lives. And then suddenly, and without any real explanation, radio silence.

So my birthday 2021 is special? What was wrong with 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019 and 2020?

Then I thought, something must be going on in his life that made him reach out. So I reached back. I emailed back that I appreciated him remembering me on my special day and that I hoped he was well, too.

I felt better for having done it. Compassion for him, and compassion for me.

 

Compassion Challenge -- Day 20

I'm encouraged to participate in this November challenge with my church congregation.

Inspiring Compassion: The 30 Day Compassion Challenge. 30 days to explore the topic of compassion: Mindfulness, Compassion for Friends & Family, Self-Compassion, Compassion for All, Compassion for Our Planet.

Friday I ran to my "other" bank, the small community bank where my condo association has an account, not the corporate behemoth where I bank.* I was depositing $70.25 in quarters from our building laundry room.

Anyway, I saw a big box, wrapped in red and white Christmas paper, intended for toy donations for children and teens who would be spending the holidays at the local shelter for battered women. It was completely empty. 

Now maybe it was empty because it had just been placed on the floor. (After all, it's not even Thanksgiving yet.) Or maybe it was empty because it had just been emptied. But its cavernous emptiness gnawed at me.

Imagine between a child or a teen, living at the shelter with your mom because your dad is a batterer. Think about what kind of Christmas those kids can expect to have. Yes, they are physically safe, and that is no small thing. I'm proud that my community makes these women and children a priority.

But how much joy and normalcy is there for these kids, who ended up in this shelter through no fault of their own? I hurt for them.

After the bank, I had to stop at Target for stuff and things. I threw a little card of three pairs of earrings -- green jingle bells, reindeer and red ornaments -- in my cart. Today (Saturday) I walked long way around to pick up my lunch and made sure I made it to the bank before closing.

Those earrings didn't come anywhere near filling up the box, but now it's not completely empty. I know that some girl (I imagine her to be between 10 and 15) will be handed those earrings by Santa. When she goes back to school after the holiday break, and her classmates ask her what she got for Christmas, she can tell them she got three pairs of earrings.

On the way home, I picked up a Hotwheels 5-pack. This coming Wednesday (or maybe Friday), I will go out of my way to drop those off, too. It's not the toy, it's the normalcy I want to give some kid. I want to make sure his Christmas 2021 doesn't stand out as completely different from all the others in his past and future.

Judging by the emptiness of the box, not everyone responds right away to things like this. So first of all, I'm grateful that I do. It's like that Bible verse: "Whatever you did for the least of my brothers, you did for me." Acts like this give me joy because they bring me closer to Christ.

Second, I'm grateful that I have the extra $7-$10 to spend every time I stop into Target. I'm sure that there are those who want to help but just can't right now.

This week, my art director and I joined forced to buy some Polly Pockets, as requested by a little girl for a toy drive sponsored at work.

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas, in all the right ways.

 

*They give me good service, so I have no harsh words for thee behemoth. I'm just striking a comparison.

Compassion Challege -- Day 19

I'm encouraged to participate in this November challenge with my church congregation.

Inspiring Compassion: The 30 Day Compassion Challenge. 30 days to explore the topic of compassion: Mindfulness, Compassion for Friends & Family, Self-Compassion, Compassion for All, Compassion for Our Planet.

Friday I gave a little of my time to Alban. He's the high school student who is a complete anachronism. He doesn't like any of the music or movies that are popular now and rhapsodizes about the culture of MY youth (much of it crap, Troy Donahue, for example). I sense that he's quite lonely in real life -- how many of his classmates mourned when Keith Allison died? -- and am glad that he has a tribe of Facebook followers.

Anyway, he's seriously into Elvis, which I applaud. He's also very indiscriminate, thinking just about turd The King squeezed out is worthy of attention. Elvis once famously said that the only thing "worse than watching a bad movie is being in one," and was aware that much of his 1960s work was subpar. But Alban loves it all.

He IM'd me on Friday, wanting to discuss Frankie & Johnnie, Harum Scarum and other Elvis movies that are just beyond awful. I wouldn't do that. I mean first of all, I was working Friday. Secondly, I didn't want to be a hypocrite. Those movies blow. 

But a lonely boy in another state was reaching out to me. That's a gift in a way, isn't it? And so I answered him, saying, "Let's not talk about where we disagree and focus on what we have in common." We shared an online conversation about King Creole, Viva Las Vegas and Follow that Dream. I gave him a little movie trivia -- King Creole was directed by Oscar winner Michael Curtiz, famous for Casablanca. 

Alban was happy.

That's the thing about this compassion challenge: it's so EASY to lift someone else's spirits if I just stop to think about it!

Mindfulness, mindfulness, mindfulness.