Saturday, September 29, 2012

Saturday 9

1. When did you last feel down and out? When I read Bud's introduction to this week's Saturday 9. Makes me feel very sad to see this chapter come to a close. I feel as though I know him and I'll be losing a friend.

2. What do you do to feel sexy? I don't "do" anything because I either feel it or I don't. Sometimes I feel it at the most inappropriate times about the most inappropriate men. If only it was something I could switch on and off like the hallway light.

3. Do you think people think you are normal? Most likely not. But, as my best friend likes to say, "what does normal look like?"

4. What have you always wanted to do? Remodel my bathroom! I will someday, too. As God as my witness, I will one day rid myself of that Pepto Bismol pink bathtub!

5. What do you appreciate the most about your life at this time? Not a lot. I've hit a rough patch. My mommy died earlier this month and the enormity of that statement has yet to hit me. Things are not going well at work. Along with my mother's passing came incremental financial responsibilities. Sometimes I want to scream ... except I don't have the energy. (Sorry, but you asked!)

6. If you could be somewhere else, where would you be and why? Philadelphia, ca 1992. I was very much in love and filled with hope for the future and the country. ("Don't stop thinking about tomorrow ...")

7.  Have you ever made a fool of yourself? If yes, spill. Oh, please! I am such a klutz! It would require a second blog for me to catalog all the times I've embarrassed myself by a fall, stumble, drop or dribble.

8. How often do you feel guilty? A lot lately. My mom's death brings up a lot of unwelcome feelings. Mostly guilt about people I should call back or write to and haven't because I just can't. I have a strong desire to move on, to face forward and simply recall happier times with my mom. But there are quite a few people who mean well but want to talk about IT -- her final illness, death, and the gruesome family aftermath of the funeral and now trying to empty her house. People's feelings are precious and I don't like how casually I appear to be treating them. So I feel guilty.

9. Give us an example of what you’ve done when feeling low self-esteem. I fake it. I'm utterly tone deaf and to hide this fact, I only mouth the words when called upon to sing in public. That includes hymns at church, "Happy Birthday" and The National Anthem at Cub games. (As luck would have it, I have not had to face singing "Go, Cubs, Go!" very much this season.) I view that as a metaphor. When I have low self-esteem, I pretend I'm fully participating and know what I'm doing.


  1. Guilt is such a bug-a-boo. And for me, it's tied to feeling worthy. Bah.

  2. So sorry about your mom. This will be a trying year for you and sounds like a lot of responsibility is on you. You will make it through this, try to banish the guilt. It is not helpful and gets in the way of recovery.

  3. I feel so sad about you mom & what you're going through. *hugs*

  4. Holy cow I've so been through that mom thing and the empty the house thing. I really had to put things into perspective and force myself to move on.

    The nerve of Bud having his own life...