Little things mean a lot

I'm unhappy and overwhelmed these days. There's stuff going on at work that annoys me. I'm beyond sick of the ongoing dental drama. And then there's Henry. (See post below.)

So I wasn't expecting a little conversation over a slice of pizza to make me so happy. But it did.

I had a hair appointment at 1:15. At noon, my friend Nancy and her husband Paul met me for lunch at the little fast food place next door to the salon. They told me about seeing Steve Martin and Martin Short in Milwaukee. I told them about the TCM Film Festival. We talked about how Nancy and Paul just discovered Blue Bloods and can't get enough -- even though their kids mock them for it.

Then it was time to go. They had to finish sprucing up their daughter's car (she's returning from an Italian vacation it's their surprise "welcome home" to her) and I had my haircut. As we walked out, Nancy said, "It's been more than a month and like Paul and I say, we miss The Gal when we don't see her."

That little comment melted me. I think about it now, hours later, and I'm literally smiling.

I told her that I appreciated hearing that because I worry about my people skills after two years of staying home during covid. She hugged me and said, "You 'people' just fine."

So here's the moral of my story: If it's positive and you're thinking it, say it. It may seem like a little thing to you, but it might mean a lot to the one who hears it.

Henry loved her

My friend Henry called me Friday night. It's the first time I'd heard from him in weeks. He was in tears.

"I got married today," he said.

"To Reg?" I asked. Henry and Reg have been married since 2017.

"No, to Connie's daughter. She just died. It was her dying wish." Connie died in September 2016. She didn't have a daughter. She had a son.

He was grateful the college was closed "for the corona virus" so he didn't have to miss any classes for the wedding. He has not been a professor for approximately 8 years.

"But you're married to Reg. How is this going to work?"

"I am not married to Reg. I love him, but all we have is a piece of paper. I married Connie's daughter in church today. I wanted you to know."

"Thank you. Is Connie's daughter going to live with you?"

"Yes, she will have her own room. I will make sure she does not do anything stupid. It was Connie's dying wish." He resumed sobbing. He told me he miss Connie very much. She was his "second mother."

I told him that, when I come visit him for his birthday, we will go to the Key West Botanical Forest and say a prayer for her. I reminded him that she told me how much she loved that place.

"She is buried in the Jewish cemetery."

"That doesn't matter," I said, "We can pray for her where she was happy. Won't it be nice to remember her when we are among the birds and the flowers and the trees?"

"Yes. She would like that, I think."

This went on for 40 minutes.

I fear Henry is showing signs of schizophrenia. It sometimes happens after a TBI. Especially to those who feel isolated. Henry certainly has spent too much time in his own thoughts, stewing in white wine, since he lost his job at the library last April. I noticed at Christmastime he no longer could taste food and often expressed feelings of persecution.

Or maybe I don't fear it. Schizophrenia can be treated. Maybe getting such a scary diagnosis will shake Henry's husband Reg out of his inaction and spur him to get HELP -- from the county, from doctors, from Henry's congregation.

Henry is so lonely, trapped in that broken brain. He misses his good friends. Both Connie and Ted are dead and he hasn't replaced them. (It's hard to add to your circle of friends when you're over 50, almost impossible when you have a TBI.)

I selfishly miss my friend Henry, just as he misses Connie. I should spend more time thinking about how awful it must be to live in that funhouse that his brain has become.

 

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: Give a Little Love (1988)

Unfamiliar with this week's tune? Hear it here.

In memory of Naomi Judd (1946-2022)

1) In this week's song, the Judds tell us they aren't impressed by diamonds or foreign travel. If you had your choice, would you prefer a $1,500 diamond pendant or a $1,500 voucher from United Airlines? The voucher! It would enable my oldest friend and I to take a girlfriends' trip or two. Of course, the more mature thing would be to hock the pendant and put the $900 toward my upcoming dental work. Yet this is a fantasy, so why worry about such mundane matters?

2) In the video for this song, the Judds are shown having fun on the beach. Do you have any trips to the beach planned for the upcoming summer months? No. To be completely honest, I'm not a big fan of the beach. If I end up there, I'll wade in and I'm sure I'll have a good time. But it's not something I seek out.

3) Early in their career, this mother-daughter duo performed in clubs venues around San Francisco, where they called themselves The Hillbilly Women. Have you recently been to a bar or restaurant with live music? No. In fact, I recently avoided being in a restaurant with live music! I was having dinner with friends at an Italian restaurant with great food but chose it because this was Friday and they have music on Thursdays and Sundays.Too loud for conversation

4) They moved to Nashville in 1979 in search of greater success. During the three years it took them to score a record contract, Naomi supported the family as a part-time nurse and occasional model. She enjoyed the flexibility so her schedule could accommodate auditions. Do you like having a pre-planned schedule? Or would you rather keep things loose? On my workdays, I like to know what to expect. In my personal life, I'd rather just let things unfold.

5) Wynona sang the Elvis classic "Burning Love" in 2002 Disney movie Lilo and Stitch. What's the most recent Disney movie you've seen? Good goobies! I truly don't recall! Though I did really enjoy Lilo and Stitch. Even extraterrestrial koala bears love Elvis.

 

 

 

 

6) In 2011, Wynona wrote her first novel, Restless Heart, about a country singer struggling with the price of fame. Have you ever tried your hand at writing fiction? Sure. It's fun. A busman's holiday, as they say. That doesn't mean I'm any good at it.

7) Kid sister Ashley Judd is the only woman in her immediate family to not change her first name. Naomi was born Diana, and Wynona was originally Christina. Do you like your first name? It's fine.

 
8) In 1988, the year this song was popular, Sonny Bono went from entertainer to politician when he was elected Mayor of Palm Springs. Have you met the mayor of your town? Nope.

9) Random question: Were you a member of the Columbia House Record Club? Yes! I loved it when those big packages arrived, filled with 12" LPs.

 

Look who's home!

The Yankees are playing the White Sox Thursday-Sunday. So, in a shocking change of pace, I'm watching White Sox baseball this weekend.

It was Yankee first baseman Anthony Rizzo's first game in Chicago since the Cubs so cruelly ripped him from me traded him. Here he is, warming up before the game, greeted by Cub fans who made the trek.

Earlier in the day, he stopped at the headquarters for his charity and signed autographs that will be sent to kids all over the country who are battling cancer. En route to the ballpark he stopped at his old favorite Italian sub shop.   

 

Today he went to Lurie Children's Hospital and visited the pediatric cancer ward. Cameras followed him everywhere. He is still our local hero. (Though Sox fans did boo him last night. Of course they did. Sox fans hate the Cubs so much that they are blind. You'd think they'd be happy that now that he's gone, he's hitting better than ever. Oh well ... Sox fans.)

Working through my anger

Reg took Henry to two doctor's appointments this week. First time my friend -- who suffered a severe TBI in 2018 -- has seen a neurologist since 2019. Then Henry was checked by his GP, a nice man Henry trusts but is woefully unequipped to treat a case as complicated as my friend's.

The neurologist asked Henry 20 questions. Things like, what day is it, where do you work, etc. Henry got them all wrong. She found this very disturbing and wonders if Henry hasn't sustained further injury. She prescribed an MRI. Reg found this "disappointing." Apparently he wanted the neurologist to tell, by simply looking at Henry, what is wrong and how to fix it. A magic pill would be nice. She's not acting until she sees the MRI results.

The GP says Henry is not getting enough quality sleep and it makes it even harder for his damaged brain to function. Reg found this "disappointing," as well. Perhaps if Henry was under the care of a specialist trained in mental health  -- like the psychologist this very GP recommended back in 2019 -- instead of giving immunizations and prescribing allergy meds, Reg would get a more satisfactory response.

You're probably wondering what the MRI revealed. I'm wondering that, too. No word. My best guess is that it hasn't been scheduled yet. Henry remains at home, befuddled, drinking white wine and watching reality TV.

I'm furious. We didn't need to be here. This wasn't inevitable. 

Ever since Henry lost his job in April 2021, I have seen this coming. My friend needs structure. He needs to feel valued. He has been unraveling. 

At Christmastime, the last time I spent considerable time with Henry, he was angry and difficult, but he wasn't the wine-soaked zombie he has become. I truly believe that, with care, this could have been mitigated.  

Over the holidays I recommended that Reg involve Henry's minister, who could give him things to do within the congregation. The church has a meals-on-wheels program. Henry could help pack the meals or, if they are going to Spanish speaking homes, travel along for delivery because Spanish is his native tongue. Reg never bothered. He doesn't have time. He has a problem with organized religion. Yeah, whatever. If Reg had enlisted the help of the minister and congregation five months ago, maybe Henry would have more stimulation and his mind would not have devolved like this. At the very least, there would already be someone nearby who understands Henry and can help. 

Their friend Patrick and I double-teamed Reg to make sure they got Obamacare beginning January 1. It's the second week in May! Why did Reg wait until now to get Henry help? And why isn't Henry in therapy, as recommended by the GP?

When Reg talks about this situation, it's always in terms of how hard it is for him. He'll have to take a day off work to take Henry to the MRI. It's so stressful to have a husband who is totally dependent. 

Well, fuckety fuck fuck. Imagine how different life would be today if Henry was in the weekly care of psychologist, a PhD who understands brain injuries and would know the danger signs to look for. If he had a full neurological workup in 2021* -- a year ago! -- his medication likely would have been calibrated to reflect his evolving condition. If Henry spent Saturdays volunteering with his congregation, he'd be having conversations and contributing surrounded by people who understand his special situation.

The decision not to do any of these things was Reg's. And Reg's alone.

I believe with all my heart that when Henry has the MRI, the neurologist will accurately prescribe medication that will make a difference. Psychotropic medications are powerful and can have a real and lasting effect. I am confident I will get my dear friend back. And so I am trying to work through my rage.

Being mad at Reg doesn't help. Reg is Henry's husband. Reg and I should be aligned. We should be focused on Henry, and my temper is a distraction that won't help anything.

But oh, I am so angry right now. So very, very angry.

*I cut Reg slack for 2020. With South Florida hospitals overflowing with covid patients, it's completely understandable why Henry didn't have elective tests.

Thursday Thirteen #257

Thirteen facts things about tooth loss. This is very top of mind for me these days.

1. Statistically speaking, the average 65-year-old will have already lost multiple teeth.

2. More than 36 million Americans don't have any teeth at all, though 90% of these people have dentures.

3. The primary cause of tooth loss is periodontal disease. This is a bacterial infection that destroys first the gum and then the bone. (This is me. I'm so typical!)

4. I didn't start flossing until my 30s. I wish I could get those decades back. Flossing can help prevent periodontal disease. (In my case, I ended up getting multiple crowns when I was in my 30s and guess what: they're all wearing out.)

5. Genetics also play a role. If your parents suffered from receding gums (I'm raising my hand), you're likely to, as well.

7. Tobacco use can add to the plaque build up, which leads to tooth decay and gum disease and tooth loss.

8. So does grinding your teeth. You're putting extra pressure on your gum line, which leads to gum recession and -- you guess it! -- tooth loss.

9. To help you avoid all the expense and discomfort of dealing with tooth loss, try to have your teeth cleaned by the dentist twice a year. This is the best way to make sure all the plaque is removed.

10. Stop thinking of mouthwash as something to keep your breath fresh. Instead, thinking of it as a tool in your tooth-saving arsenal and switch to an anti-bacterial rinse.

11. Eat more tooth-healthy foods. What makes a food "tooth healthy?" If it stimulates saliva, it will help wash away bits of food and bacteria that get trapped in your teeth. Fresh fruits and vegetables are often considered "tooth healthy."

12. Drink tap water. Your municipality likely puts fluoride in the water, and that can help fight decay.

13. Brush after every meal. Carry a toothbrush with you if you're eating away from home. (Yeah, I never did this, either. But then, I'm looking at more than ten thousand dollars in dental work, so ...)

Please join us for THURSDAY THIRTEEN. Click here to play along, and to see other interesting compilations of 13 things.

 

 

Me and the Paparazzi

No, no photographer is stalking me with his camera. But I am thinking about them today because of today's WWW.Wednesday post. It's decorated with a shot of JBKO reading on the hood of her jeep. I love this photo, even though it was taken without her knowledge and was undoubtedly an invasion of her privacy.

On July 29, 1989, Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis turned 60 years old. Photographers swarmed all over Martha's Vineyard to see how she would celebrate. A lunch with glamorous friends? A dinner at a bistro with family, including her son, the Sexiest Man Alive? Only one had her figured out.* 

Jackie and her companion, Maurice Templesman, took his boat out on Menemsha Pond very early in the morning. He stayed on the boat but she swam in to shore. Assuming the car behind hers was empty, left there by someone else enjoying the water this Saturday morning, she obviously thought she was alone. She removed her bathing cap, peeled down her bathing suit (fortunately her back was to the car, its unseen occupant and his camera!) and toweled off. Then she donned a striped pullover, wrapped her hair in a towel, and climbed onto the hood of her car to read while she waited for Maurice.

A morning swim, a good book, and a man she loved. I'm glad that's how she celebrated her 60th. 

I also wonder if I should know all this.

By 1989, she had been the most famous woman in America for nearly 30 years. Only Princess Diana had surpassed her as a cover girl. She was photographed every time she left her home -- whether the White House, her Fifth Avenue apartment, The Christina, or Red Gate Farm on Martha's Vineyard. Every. Time. As this picture illustrates.

She hated it. She took photographer Ron Galella to court and a judge mandated he had to stay 25 feet away from her. When he violated the court order, Galella lost his right to photograph Jackie or her children ever again. At the time, she was pilloried in the press for imperiously stomping all over The First Amendment. In retrospect, I wonder if, had Princess Diana taken a similar firm stance, she might not be alive today. (BTW, Ron Galella died last month. I wonder if Jackie now has to hide behind trees and pillars in Heaven.)

So I consume paparazzi product, even as I empathize with their targets. I'm conflicted about this.

*I'm not giving his name here. See? I'm ambivalent.

WWW.WEDNESDAY

 WWW. WEDNESDAY asks three questions to prompt you to speak bookishly. To participate, and to see how other book lovers responded, click here.  

1. What are you currently reading? Meet Me in the Margins by Melissa Ferguson. Savannah Cade is an editor at a small publishing house specializing in highbrow non-fiction. But her heart and imagination belong to romance novels. She's been working on one for years and keeps the manuscript tucked in a secret hiding place at the office. One day, as she checks on her "baby," she finds critical notes in the margins. So the editor has her own editor ... one who prefers to remain secret.

As I write this, I'm about 30% of the way through. I guessed who her secret editor is. I know they are falling in love. Yet I'm sticking with it. The setting -- Nashville -- is new to me. I enjoy going to story conferences and book fairs with Savannah. I'm a book lover and relate to our heroine's passion for words. So I may ultimately end up liking it better than I do right now.

2. What did you just finish reading? Furious Love: Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton and The Marriage of the Century by Sam Kashner and Nancy Shoenberger. This book truly does have everything. Yachts and private planes. Oscars and eye-popping jewels. Booze and pills. Aging parents and rebellious children. Adultery, divorce, and reconciliation. If two people can experience it, consume it, or buy it, Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton did.

It was a great escape. After scooping sodden cat litter from the box and carrying it to my alley dumpster, I got to read about Elizabeth's two-day birthday celebration in  Budapest, where they partied with hundreds of guests, including Princess Grace and Ringo Starr. Richard gifted her with the heart-shaped Taj Mahal diamond. Later, her poodle gnawed on the multi-million dollar La Peregrina pearl as though it was a bone. I mean, it's irresistible! And all true.

But it's rather sad, too. Both Taylor and Burton were addicts and much of their excessive behavior was fueled by drink and prescription meds. She faced it head on and went to the Betty Ford clinic to get clean. Burton never did admit he was an alcoholic. He died, still in his 50s, insisting he was like his father: a drinker, not a drunk. I believe they really loved one another and (importantly) loved each other's children. Perhaps if they'd both gotten treatment earlier ...

3. What will you read next? I don't know.

 

 

It feels like Christmas Eve

Reg is finally taking Henry to the doctor on Monday! A neurologist! My dear friend has not had a complete brain workup since 2019, nor any more than a consult with a neurologist since before the pandemic kicked into full gear in 2020.

Then, on Tuesday afternoon, they are returning to their general practitioner's to discuss the preliminary results and talk about Henry's general health. (Sleeping too much, drinking too much, not eating.)

For some reason, since Henry's accident, Reg has insisted that he knows best. He doesn't. Ever since Henry lost his job last April (he unwisely retired), he has been unraveling both physically and mentally. He has needed care for a long time.

Now he's getting it! I am hopeful for answers. I am hopeful for a treatment plan. I am hopeful.

A valve replacement, a cane, dental implants and LTC insurance

Saturday was sunny, a warm and happy day for us to meet at Petterino's, a Chicago institution. It's best known for apres theater, but it can get awful noisy when people gather there pre- or post-curtain. That's why I'm glad my friends and I landed there for lunch at 1:45. The matinee crowd was off to the theater by the time we got there.

It was the first time this particular group of us were together this year. Mindy, John and I met 41 years ago. Mindy and her husband met 40 years ago. That's a lot of history! For example, it occurred to me as we sat together this Mother's Day weekend that I've been through the death of all six of their parents, and they helped me through mine. 

We were in our 20s when we met. We are so not those people anymore. Mindy asked us to go around the table and talk about our health challenges. I thought this was an odd conversational gambit at the moment, but it did put the passage of time in perspective.

John (66) needs his cane all the time now. He simply gets too fatigued without it. It make stairs impossible for him (that's how we ended up at Petterino's). He currently takes Entresto and his doctor wants to add another to his heart regimen, but John is resistant because he can't afford it (even with Medicare). His doctor is weighing other options. He has drastically cut back on his drinking. For the first time in all the years we've known one other, he just had water with his meal. This shocked me. Really. The first time I recall seriously discussing this with him was 15 years ago, and he was adamant then that he was going out his own way. On the one hand, I'm grateful because I love him very much. On the other hand, I'm concerned that perhaps this means he's giving up.

Alan (68) is still working full-time, currently as a contractor for a company that manufactures/sells gift cards to retailers. Like John, he no longer drinks because, like John, he has congenital heart trouble. He is awaiting a procedure for an aortic valve replacement. Both he and Mindy are amazed that it will be minimally invasive. His hair is very white and thin, but he looks distinguished, not sickly. He was excited to talk about his golf trip to Hilton Head.

Mindy (66) is still working, too, also as an independent contractor. Since I'm the only one still on a health plan from an employer, there was a lot of talk about Medicare. She is enthusiastic that she qualified for long-term care insurance and many discounts. 

I (a child of 64) explained that at this point, I am working for the dental plan. I told the table about Alex, and about how wrong-headed everything is at work right now with upper management. I reiterated two points: 1) I will continue to act in my client's best interests, even if it annoys my new bosses and 2) they will have to fire me because I won't quit. I want my 17+ weeks of severance. I want to make them justify the lay off of a 64-year-old woman to the State of Illinois Department of Employment Services. I am feeling feisty, and I have no more fucks left to give. 

And here's the best part: On her way out, a woman who was sitting at the next table stopped and said, "I was listening and I think you're right. Make them pay! Make it hard for them!" I thanked her, and touched my heart. I have a fan!

Sunday Stealing

Do You Like?

1. Do you like your handwriting? Yes. I have very pretty handwriting. My teachers done good with me!

 
2. Do you like roller coasters? Very much.

3. Do you like scary movies? I like suspense and thrills. I don't like gore.

4. Do you like shopping? Well, this could be a scene from my life:

 

5. Do you like to talk on the phone? Yes, I am very comfortable with it. I certainly prefer it to (ugh) texting.

6. Do you sleep with the lights on or off? I always keep a light on.

7. Do you use headphones or earphones? Headphones. Ear buds creep me out.

 
8. Do you have tattoos?  Do you want any? No and no. I'm not being judgey here. I just don't want anyone shooting me up with ink. BTW, I wonder how many "I won't have that covid vaccine because I don't know what's in it!" folks are tattooed?

 
9. Do you wear glasses? Yes.

10. What is your strangest talent? Without looking it up, I can recall Elizabeth Taylor's full name: Dame Elizabeth Rosamond Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton (Burton) Warner Fortensky. What? You think this is a useless talent? Well, I'll have you know I won a bar trivia contest with this. Drinks for me and all my friends!

11. Have you ever been in the hospital? Of course.

12. What color mostly dominates your wardrobe? Blue.

 
13. What’s your most expensive piece of clothing? I don't know that we can consider these wardrobe items, but I don't scrimp when I buy a wallet or an umbrella.

14. Have you ever had braces? Yes.

 
15. Have you ever been on TV? 30 years ago, when Bill Clinton won the Presidency, I was one of the campaign workers shown at his Chicago headquarters. My mom was so proud. I ALMOST was on TV last month during the TCM Classic Film Festival. A TCM team approached me with their camera and microphone to get my "festival experience." I pretended to be on the phone. I think it's funny because Betty from my movie group was also there and she spent the entire four days trying to be photographed for TCM's promotional materials. If I'd gotten onscreen, I don't think she'd ever forgive me.

 

Trying to keep parallel lines parallel

I admit I'm having trouble keeping my plots straight. First I began a thriller: The Marriage Lie. It's about a woman who learns distressing things about the man she was shared her life with and was sure she loved ... after his death. It's my second book by Kimberly Belle, and it's wonderfully suspenseful. 

Then I started bingeing on The Flight Attendant. In Season One, Kaley Cuoco is a flight attendant who parties a bit too hearty during a layover in Bangkok and can't recall how she ended up in bed with a dead guy. She unwisely decides that the only way to clear her name is to solve the murder herself. 

The book and movie were very different in tone, but both involved mysterious deaths from anything but natural causes, and both have plenty of intrigue and secrets. And I found myself confusing elements of the two stories.

How do you deal with this? Do you try to alternate genres so this can't happen? What's your secret?

Check out other Sunday Salon participants here.

Saturday 9

 Saturday 9: Your Mother Should Know (1967)

Unfamiliar with this week's tune? Hear it here.

1) This week's featured artists, The Beatles, invite us to get up and dance to a song that was a hit before your mother was born. Do you enjoy the oldies? How old must a song be before you consider it "old?" I'm not a good one to ask because my sense of time is getting more warped. For example, when I hear Coldplay's "Viva La Vida," I can remember being happy when it came on at the health club and enjoying working out to it. I'd swear that was six years ago. It was 2008. That means a song I think of as contemporary is really 14 years old!

2) Paul McCartney knew bandmate John Lennon's mom, Julia, and credits her with introducing him to the ukulele. Do you recall any of your childhood friends' mothers with fondness? I recall Judy's mom with great fondness. I spent some of the darkest days of my unhappy teen years at Judy's. Her mom was always welcoming, always understanding. I especially struggled when my icky grandmother died. It was confusing and infuriating to be expected by my own family to continuously express a grief I didn't feel. Her mom understood. She told me her sewing room was mine whenever I wanted it. Just come on over. Close the door if I wanted peace and quiet with my thoughts. She said she'd always knock first (in her own home!) and bring me a meal from time to time. I only recall taking her up on it once, but it was an enormously sensitive gesture. She is in my prayers on Mother's Day.

 
3) Paul's own mother, Mary, tried to instill in her son a sense of pride in his appearance and saw to it he always left the house in a clean, ironed shirt. Paul says that, to this day, when he smells fresh laundry, he thinks of his mum. Is there a scent or sound that reminds you of someone you love who is no longer with us? This song reminds me of my favorite uncle. I recall how he'd turn up the car radio as soon as he heard those first chords, and how the album cover always looked out from the front of his LP rack. He was not a country music guy -- not at all! -- and this was his only Glen Campbell album. Yet this song meant a lot to him. Was it the sound? Did it remind him of some girl? He's been gone more than a decade and I'm often surprised by how much I still miss him. I wish I'd asked about this song. That's the lesson here: ask the people you love about their lives when you still can!

 

 

 

4) George Harrison was the only member of the band to have any formal musical training. His mother, Louise, supported her son's musical ambitions and made sure he got guitar lessons. Did you take music classes as a child? Nope.

5) Ringo Starr was a sickly and often hospitalized little boy. His mother, Elsie, took a job as a barmaid so she could work at night, leaving her days free during visiting hours. When were you most recently in a hospital? Were you an admitted patient, there for an outpatient procedure, or visiting someone? My mammogram last summer.

6) Mother Winters always gave our own Crazy Sam peppermint tea to calm her stomach. Do you have any tried-and-true home remedies to share? Not for me, but for my cats. Canned pumpkin is good for kitty constipation. It has to PURE, no added sugar or cinnamon or anything like that. Check with your vet before you add it to your cat's diet. I am happy to report it's made Connie's life happier.

 

In her happy place, a box with crinkly paper

7) Sam's mother always tips 15% in restaurants. Sam has worked in food service and is more judgmental, tipping between 10% and 25%, depending on the quality of the service. What's your tipping policy? In restaurants, I tip 15% for average service, more for better service. I also always tip $2 or $3 every time I take a rideshare or have groceries delivered. I read that more than half of Uber riders never tip! My nephew worked for Instacart over Christmas break from college and reported that wealthy people seldom tipped. Shame on them!

 
8) Sam's mother still gets the Sunday paper because of the sales fliers. She makes separate lists for each store, picking up grocery and household items where she knows they are on sale. Sam thinks her mother's strategy is a waste of time and gas and prefers one-stop shopping (even better, online one-stop shopping). Are you more like mother or daughter? I'll make a special trip to CVS if I received one of those 30% off coupons in the mail, but other than that, I shop where I shop.

9) Sam is celebrating Mother's Day with her mother's favorite, Hershey Bars. Would you prefer classic milk chocolate, dark chocolate or chocolate with almonds? I prefer almonds, thank you.

In lieu of baseball ...

Neither the Cubs nor the Yankees have played this past two days! Travel days, spring showers ... whatever. NO BASEBALL makes me sad. 

So here's this. My favorite most Cub baseball player Anthony Rizzo used his night off to go to the Rangers game with two of his Yankee teammates. When they showed up on the Madison Square Garden jumbotron, the crowd called on them to chug their beers. Rizz won.

Thursday Thirteen #256

Thirteen tips for buying luggage. When I flew a couple weeks ago, I noticed something new on the airport luggage carousels: not all bags are soft-sided and black. I used to casually wonder how many people accidentally walk off with the wrong bag because so many are so similar. No more! Since bags are more innovative, and since travelers are clearly updating their luggage wardrobes, I thought I'd share these tips in time for travel season.

1. Soft-sided, fabric cases are the most popular because they are lighter in weight. That makes them easier to load in the trunk of the car (whether you're on a road trip or just off the airport) or stow between trips in the top shelf of your closet.

2. They are usually made of nylon. Before you buy, check to be sure it's "parachute material," or ripstop nylon, because it's less susceptible to snags and tears.

3. If you're a traveler who likes to bring back souvenirs, you may prefer a soft-sided bag because it has greater flexibility. This could be important if you're coming back with more than you left with, and you often squeeze an extra item or two into your bag.

4. Hard-sided suitcases are more durable, but also heavier, than soft-sided. They're designed to help keep the contents safe.

5. They don't have the "give" of a soft-sided bag. They hold what they hold. No squeezing any extras in or over stuffing.

6. Taking a cruise? Your cruise line likely would prefer you pack a hard-sided bag. These suitcases are easier to stack in the ship's belly.

7. Some travelers prefer two-wheeled bags because the casters are often recessed so they won't break off.

8. I'm not one of those travelers. I like 4-wheeled bags because the wheels spin 360º, while the two-wheelers seem to only spin front and back.

9. New bags are prettier, but don't just be dazzled by appearance. A curved bag may look more sleek and modern, but a suitcase with squared edges offers more space for your stuff.

10. You can get a "smart" bag, with GPS tags to help you locate your bag if it's lost.

11. More and more bags (including backpacks) come with USB ports so you can charge your phone wherever you are.

12. Since suitcases can represent an investment, you can now buy a PVC cover to protect your luggage during transit. (Maybe this is worth it, but I'm not sold.)

13. Black is still the most prevalent color, but deep reds -- like burgundy and black cherry -- are gaining for soft-sided suitcases. Icy blues and grays seem to be getting more popular with hard-sided bags. 

Happy trails!

Please join us for THURSDAY THIRTEEN. Click here to play along, and to see other interesting compilations of 13 things.

 

WWW.WEDNESDAY

 WWW. WEDNESDAY asks three questions to prompt you to speak bookishly. To participate, and to see how other book lovers responded, click here.  

1. What are you currently reading? Furious Love: Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton and The Marriage of the Century by Sam Kashner and Nancy Shoenberger. It's not often that non-fiction offers 500+ pages of delicious escape, but this one does. There's sex and sin, jewels and yachts, addiction and Oscars. And love. Scrape away the excess -- and these two defined wretched excess -- and you have a love story.

This is a reread, and I can't wait to dive back into all the excitement and glamour.

2. What did you just finish reading? Not a Happy Family by Shari Lapena. Fred Merton was a self-made multimillionaire. His diamond-studded wife, Sheila, created a home and family for him that looked ideal. From the outside. What went on inside the Merton home looked less like Norman Rockwell and more like Salvador Dali. When Fred and Sheila are found brutally murdered, the police focus on the family. What they uncover is shocking.

Wowwowwow. This thriller will keep you on the end of your seat to the very last page. Even after the killer is revealed, there's another twist to come. Really, stay with it to end.

3. What will you read next? I don't know.

 

 

Leave it to Lisa

Snarkypants posted just the Facebook message I needed to see, when I needed to see it.  

 

I have been waking up every morning, worried about Henry and Reg. I go to sleep every night, worried about Henry and Reg. Things are very bad in Key West. They didn't have to get this bad, but they are.

To bring you up to date, my friend Henry had too much wine one night back in 2018 and when he came to an intersection, pedaled right into a van. He was not wearing a helmet. He shattered his ankle and suffered a traumatic brain injury. He was airlifted to Miami, where he was in a coma. When he awoke, he was a terrible patient (which is not unusual after TBI). He denied he had a brain injury and fought to get home to Key West. Reg, his husband who loves him, believed that home was where he should be. That familiar surroundings and their friends and their dogs would help.

It's obvious now that he should have stayed in Miami. Key West doesn't have the facilities to treat him. He needed therapy -- both occupational and cognitive. He needed a caregiver. Reg, though loving, is untrained in this skill.

Over the past 3 1/2 years, Henry has lost his job at the library and is now unemployable. He is isolated and becoming more vague by the moment. The man who used to call me at all hours and keep me on the line forever doesn't even answer his phone anymore. He stares at the Kardashians and drinks wine. Sometimes he neglects to bathe and eat. Recently he forgot where the microwave was.

Reg shares all this with his more than 500 (!) Facebook friends. That this is a gross betrayal of Henry's trust is clear to me and I've told Reg this. I've even offered to set up a blog for him. He doesn't pursue it. He is hooked on the "likes" and sympathy he gets from Facebook. "You're a saint." "I don't know how you have put up with it ("it" being my dear friend Henry!) as long as you have." On and on.

Here's what these Facebook friends don't know:

1) Henry hasn't had a full neurological work up since 2019. Oh, Reg has reasons. They can't afford it. Their insurance lapsed. It's hard to get to Miami and the only neurologist in Key West won't return calls ... Well, with my nagging and the help of Patrick (wonderful Patrick, a friend of theirs from Maine), they now have Obamacare. After discussing this with my own shrink -- see Lisa's post above -- I suggested they have their GP call the neurologist. Doctors always return other doctors' calls. Reg just doesn't have "that kind of time." So Henry has been taking medications that may not be right for his current condition for more than two years!

2) Neither Henry nor Reg is in therapy. They both need it. Desperately. Henry to deal with his anger issues. He is isolated and sad and when he doesn't understand the world around him, he lashes out. Reg needs to learn to cope with this new reality. Yet Reg will not ask for help. Patrick suspects it has to do with Reg's adolescent sexual abuse and his drinking. I have sympathy for him not wanting to delve deep into those topics (though I think he would be better for it). But there are exigent issues at hand. They have insurance, they should use it and be in therapy. It's as though Reg doesn't want to relinquish his control, or his martyrdom.

3) Reg won't talk to Henry's minister. As a gay man, Reg understandably has an in issue with organized religion. Fine. But since the accident, Henry has gotten a great deal of comfort and solace from a non-denominational Christian church in Key West. Translating the reading to Spanish is the highlight of his week. His minister is a hero of his. Now Henry doesn't want the minister to know how much he's suffering, so he puts the best possible face on his condition. But Reg is missing a major opportunity here. He should call the minister and ask for his help. Henry could get volunteer tasks around the church and feel like he's making a contribution among people who will make allowances for his condition. Reg refuses. I KNOW the minister would be happy to help because tending to the flock is what ministers do! Again, it's as though Reg doesn't want to relinquish his control, or his martyrdom.

4) Both Henry and Reg drink way too much. Vodka for Reg. Wine for Henry. Key West is a party town. I get how hard it is to be dry there. But we're not talking social drinking. When I'm down there, I'll have one with lunch and one with dinner. They leave me in the dust. Liquor does not help their situation.

Voila! This coming week, Henry is seeing finally a neurologist. Because he is now too much for Reg to handle. I am angry. When Reg bitches and moans on Facebook, "I don't know what to do ..." I want to scream, "DO WHAT I'VE BEEN ADVISING YOU TO DO!" We did not have to get to this point. With proper care, the right meds, and the support of his congregation, Henry might not be the zombie who drinks and stares at reality TV all day.

I'm trying to be loving. I'm trying to be forgiving. I am not succeeding. Yes, the accident in 2018 was Henry's fault. Yes, since then, Henry can be impossible.

But all the decisions since 2018 have been Reg's. And they have been wrong. And they have been selfish. And they have been damaging.

The enormity of this pain -- for Henry, for Reg, and for those of us who love them -- is an unnecessary waste.

I have learned from my own Christian faith that everyone deserves my compassion. I have learned from my own therapy that I have a right to my fury over this situation. What I need help with is reconciling my own helplessness.

 

Sunday Salon

This weekend, I'm thinking about new vs redo. I just got back from the TCM Film Festival in Hollywood. Sponsored by Turner Classic Movies, it give us classic films fans a chance to enjoy old movies on the big screen. I loved it. Loved. It. This was my second festival, and I'm already planning to go next year. But it's expensive, and won't leave me much in my travel budget for other trips in 2023.

At the Festival, I chose 11 movies. Four were new to me, 7 were rewatches. In preparation for my trip, I reread Furious Love, the story of Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, the Hollywood-est couple ever. 

On HBO Max, I recently binged on The West Wing. I loved that show, and realized that while I remember the characters and their personalities very well, plot details were lost to time so I was quite engaged. But here's the thing: there are almost a gazillion shows I haven't yet seen.

So that's my dilemma: Do I luxuriate in enjoying old favorites -- be they movies, books, TV shows or destinations -- or do I try new things?

How do you deal with this? Do you reach for the new experience or do you long to return to a favorite? Or have you decided that new vs. redo doesn't matter as long as you enjoy your choice?

Check out other Sunday Salon participants here.

Saturday 9

 Saturday 9: As Time Goes By (1958)

Unfamiliar with this week's tune? Hear it here.

1) This song begins with, "You must remember this." Do you often write things down to help you remember? I regularly write my grocery list on a piece of paper, slip it into my jeans, and forget about it until I find it when I go through my pockets in the laundry room. I'm just hopeless.

 

2) The lyrics tell us that moonlight and love songs are never out of date. Tell us about something else that seems timeless. Pearls and a black dress.

3) Originally written in 1931, "As Time Goes By" is best known as the love theme from the 1942 film, Casablanca. According to the American Film Institute, there's only one song from a movie soundtrack that's more expressly identified with the film: "Over the Rainbow" from The Wizard of Oz. What song reminds you of your favorite movie? I just saw The Sting at the TCM Classic Film Festival, and so this has been going through my head.

 

 

4) This version is from The George Sanders Touch, an LP recorded by an Oscar-winning character actor. There is scant evidence that it sold well. Tell us about something you thought was a good idea at the time, but looking back, would have done differently. About 12 years ago, my friend Barb offered me a job at her agency. I didn't take it because I was worried about the impact it would have on our relationship. (She would have been my boss.) It's hard to know for certain, but I'm pretty sure I'd be better off financially today if I'd made that move. Plus, she moved away and we drifted apart anyway. Oh well, la de dah. What's done can't be undone.

 

5) This album was really something of a consolation prize for George. He worked with a vocal coach, hoping to win the romantic lead in the film version of South Pacific, but alas, the role went to a younger man. He had fun making this record instead. Have you recently taken lemons and made lemonade? I think it's cool that George got to reap the benefit of his singing lessons, even if he didn't get the part in South Pacific. (I never really liked that musical anyway.) I try to make lemonade out of lemons all the time at work. Clients (or, more precisely, my client's lawyers) make changes to our work and it would be easy to get discouraged. But I take those revisions and often find that, with imagination, the work can still be good. Different, but effective. 

6) He usually played suave but unsympathetic characters. That's why he gave his autobiography the self-aware title, Memoirs of a Professional Cad. What would you call your life story? Either "The Thing of It Is" or "Frankly ...", because those are two phrases I use often.

 

7) The night he won his Oscar, George Sanders accepted the statuette, bowed deeply and then, safely behind the curtain and away from cameras, surprised onlookers by crying. Have you ever cried tears of joy? Cried? No. I've choked up and come close, though. The Cubs World Series, seeing my niece's happiness on her wedding day ...

8) George Sanders wed perennial talk show guest and occasional actress Zsa Zsa Gabor in 1949. Sixteen years after their divorce, he married Zsa Zsa's less famous but also glamorous sister, Magda. After a month, George and Magda thought better of it and had the union annulled. Sam thinks this is one of the oddest romantic tales she's ever stumbled upon while researching Saturday 9. Have you ever known anyone who divorced one sibling and then married another? (Hallmark movies don't count.) No. The George Sanders/Gabor sister saga was wild. Especially because he was 65 when he married Magda, old enough to know better!

9) Random question: You're in a line of 25 people at the post office. How many of those other 24 are more patient at waiting than you are? As long as I've got headphones or a book, I'm pretty patient.