Monday, August 16, 2010

"I loved a man, truly I did ..."

From an old Barbra Streisand song. Because in my head, I sound like Babs.

I did have a great love with a good man. He was the wrong man for me, too remote, but he was smarter than I am and well read and steady as they come and very good looking. I have many happy memories. We broke up but I have never stopped loving him. I understood his short-comings, even as I was unable to deal with them, and since he wanted a family so badly, hoped he would find a woman who could deliver all I couldn't.

Which is why, when I saw his profile on a professional networking site, I was thrilled to see that he mentioned his son. I wish I had left well enough alone.

Out of boredom and curiosity, I searched around and found the woman he married. Looked her up on Facebook. So far, so good. She's hyphenated, using both her maiden name and his surname. Pretty, but not gorgeous. Tall and but not THAT thin. Works for the local Republican Party (figures, he has quite the Libertarian streak). 43, with a 9-year-old son. That checks out. Lists herself as, "In a relationship."

Maybe she just didn't scroll down far enough for "married."

I could see from her wall that posted and conversed often with an author who writes exclusively about autism. She wrote of her 9 year old's son struggle with language, using words like "desperate," "frustrated," and "frantic." She's looking for help with how to get him to use a keyboard, and was hopeful to learn that children with a condition similar to her son's respond well to using an iPad.

I am afraid of the conclusion that I am drawing ... that the child he wanted so much is autistic, and that because of his remote nature he wasn't able to be the husband his wife needs as they dealt with their son's condition and they divorced.

I don't want that to be true.

Yet, until recently, he and this woman lived in the same town (white pages listings) and they both have one child, a son.

The girl he was with before me committed suicide. Then there was our misfire of a relationship. Now this.

I don't want him, but I do love him and I hope he's happy.

And I hope I'm wrong.


  1. Sometimes the internet can be dangerous for this very reason.

  2. I'm with SilverNeurotic on this one - all this information at our fingertips can be dangerous for those of us (me!) who have that insatiable curiosity.

    I checked on FB for an old love and OH MY GOD ... he has changed physically to where I don't even recognize him. It made me sad to have my gorgeous head image shattered by real life. Wowza.

    Life brings many challenges, yes?

  3. you are not wrong. love with the wrong person doesn't mean you still can not love them.
    sometimes it is best not to know...

  4. I had an ex that I loved, and thought we'd have a life together. But he had a lot of issues, and it ended. I think we both had issues, but moreso him. He's married now with an 18 month old. I'm glad he's happy. But, man, she's a redneck!