This is who she is

I have known my oldest friend since Kindergarten. I was 4 years old. So we've known one another, literally, a lifetime. We listened to the new Beatle albums together. We dreamed of our fave raves together (Bobby Sherman for me, Donny Osmond for her). We knew each other's families. We know each other's secrets. 

No one can make me laugh harder.

So our bond is deep and important, though not mutually beneficial.

She's been a terrible friend lately. She hasn't been returning my calls because her voicemail is always full and she refuses to empty it.* She wasn't reaching out to me. She was busy with medical tests (imagine how easy it would be to get the results if you had voicemail). And there was Robert, her foray into online dating. 

Actually, she's been a terrible friend for quite some time. It began when she promised to stay with me after my 2011 hysterectomy. At the last minute she didn't come through because no one would stay with her daughter. I called her, shattered, the following year after my mother's death. I was in my family home for the last time and I wanted to talk to someone who had been in that house with me. She never picked up. It's continued over and over, right up to earlier this month, I was confused about test results on MyChart and hoped she help me chill out until I heard from my doctor. She never picked up. I could go on and on, but why?

She always has a reason. She's sick -- and her health is legit worrisome. She needs to get a new state ID -- never mind that she's had three years to do this. Again, I could go on and on, but why?

I confronted her about all of this, and she's sorry. She promised to be better, to work harder at maintaining our connection. Of course, she'd just broken up with Robert, so that freed up some time. 

And then she went into the ER. She suddenly "blew up like the Hindenburg." Congestive heart failure. She's home now with a list of commonsense things she can do to: quit smoking, exercise moderately,  restrict salt, avoid extreme hot temperatures. I have no confidence she will do any of these things.

This is who she is. She's been bipolar for about 15 years now. Getting through day-to-day life can be very hard for her. So I am hanging on. Because she is my oldest friend and I honor that. Because she is broken and can't help it.

I have to accept this. I have to love her for who she is.

But I also have to expect less from her. This can't be an equal partnership. She is who she is. If knowing that, I continue to let her hurt me, well,  that's on me.

She won't see the change in me, but the change will be there. I'm not going to open myself up and allow  myself to be vulnerable to her anymore. I doubt she'll notice, and I'll be stronger for this.

 *I suspect that she's either behind in payments or ducking her landlady, who wants her out of that apartment.

 Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash