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1) The State of Illinois is threatening to imprison me. Oh, they won't. But it's scary nevertheless. I am still getting severance from my former employer. It's completely legal in Illinois to receive unemployment benefits while collecting severance because severance is not wages earned in exchange for work. However, when my W2 was generated, the state got a copy of it and since my severance has gone on more than a month -- I worked for that agency for 18 years! -- the algorithms assumed that my former employer must have rehired me. Therefore, I have been fraudulently receiving unemployment benefits when I am employed.
Only I wasn't and I'm not! I was told to respond by completing and returning the enclosed form by a specific date. But all the questions are very, "When did you stop beating your wife?" There are just boxes to check, and no place to explain. I went rogue and included a letter, along with a portion of my separation agreement from my employer (it's a 15-page deck), but I have no confidence anyone will see it because the forms are bar coded. I suspect the pages will just be scanned and this won't be the end of it.
All I have to do is talk to a real, actual human and show them the pertinent parts of my separation agreement. But that's not an option right now and I'll feel so stressed until this is behind me.
2) I lost another crown. My previous dental adventures aren't over yet, and I am unexpectedly embarking on another one. Tomorrow morning at 7:45 AM, I have a consultation with the oral surgeon to see if I need another crown lengthening. More pain, more expense. I am bereft.
3) So Sunday I went to church, which didn't help at all. I love my church. I love my faith. I get a great deal of comfort feeling closer to God in that building. That. Building. Our interim minister, who only has a few months to go, spent the sermon talking about how we've outgrown that "edifice" and it's time for us to unload it and move. She made some valid points -- upkeep is expensive, the Sunday School is impossibly cramped. But I love that building. I don't want a new church! And who is she, anyway? A freelancer, an interloper, a short-timer. Most of all, I was royally pissed that, when I was expecting comfort, all I got was agita.
4) A jerk joined our movie group. We watched a movie from 1948 called Deep Waters. It was a fine, completely forgettable little drama. Anyway, Stephen (pronounced "Stefan," thankyouverymuch) loved it for its "proper" gender roles and said it should be shown in schools to teach children the way it "should be," especially important in this age of "Gender LGBTQ." I was very upset. Not because he's a Neanderthal, but because he invaded our space. We have disagreements about the movies all the time, but he was being intentionally provocative. Plus, he doesn't know the sexual orientation of everyone in our group, and that homophobic broadside was mean. At the end of our gettogether I felt like I did after church -- unsettled from time spent in a place I'm supposed to enjoy.
That gives you an overview of my Wednesday to Tuesday. I've been having a stress dream -- I do that -- about a dying bird on the pavement. It's writhing in pain. I know I should kill it and end its suffering, but I can't. I wake up feeling cruel and cowardly. Not a great way to start the day.
So I talked to my shrink and everything became manageable.
1) I have done nothing wrong. Once it comes to an in-person appointment at the Unemployment Office on Lawrence Avenue, it will be fine. I just have to try not to obsess on it in the interim.
2) I have dental insurance and I have savings. It is what it is. I got that latest traitorous crown when I was working on the Clinton campaign. That would be Bill Clinton's 1992 campaign. The sucker lasted more than 30 years. Not a bad run.
3) Nothing is going to happen to my beloved building any time soon. It can't. It's not like there's a big plot of land nearby just waiting for us to buy it. It's not like we could afford it if there was, since there isn't an eager buyer looking to buy our existing "edifice" (<<<<I can't believe she called my darling church "an edifice"). It's not like the temporary minister will even be here six months from now, and I'm not sure our new, as yet unmet minister will want to take on such an ambitious project right out of the gate.
4) Fuck Stephen. Unpleasant people come and go. I can't change him, but I can ignore him.
I have to find my happiness where I can, breathe deep, and trust that soon I'll be rolling along and enjoying a smooth ride again soon.
Photo by Philippe Beliveau on Unsplash
If you go to jail, if you can post on your blog the Sat 9ers will come bail you out. :-) But your therapist is right. It's a lot of deal with, and you're still rolling around trying to find your feet since retirement. Hang in there, and remember there are strangers you'll never meet out here rooting for you. You've got this.
ReplyDeleteI hate it when things are unsettled. It feels like you're unsettled. Your therapist is right. Don't worry about things until you can deal with them. Of course, that is easier said than done.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great time for a visit with your therapist! There must be something in the air because it's been a shitty week here, too.
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