Sunday, July 18, 2010

Shall I make this out to myself?

My shrink had to cancel our appointment, scheduled for last Thursday. And that's too bad, because I have been having disturbing dreams. Graphic dreams. Sexually explicit dreams. These dreams are pleasant when they're going on. It's just when I wake up that they upset me.

Because they are about him. The man with whom I had my longest relationship. The one with whom I spent several highly dysfunctional years. Because of the physical abuse that went on, thinking of him sexually is a very complicated issue for me.

We broke up so long ago. I have worked so hard to put him and all he represents behind me. So why am I thinking about him so much now? And in this way? Disturbing and confusing.

On second thought, just disturbing. I'm no longer confused because I realized why my ex is suddenly so top of mind …

The Mel Gibson tapes. When he drank, he sounded not unlike Mel (though without the heavy breathing). If we were on the phone and I could sense his mood change, I'd listen carefully for the sound of ice. For if he was switching from beer to something stronger, I knew I'd better sleep alone at my own place that night. Woe be to me if I read the signs wrong and went to his place instead.

So now that I know where the dreams are coming from, they have less power to upset me. And, perhaps, they will stop haunting me.

I'm rather proud of how I worked this through on my own. So do I cut myself a check for $75?

3 comments:

  1. Oh, I'm sorry to hear about this. Sorry to hear more about how nasty that man was to you, and sorry to hear that it's haunting you again lately. I hope that recognizing the problem will help it go away.

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  2. I have those types of dreams and really hate them...it makes us wonder why our minds dwell on these creatures of our past.
    when waking i just try to think of today and not having to deal with the creeps....praise God he opened the door to a different life.
    use the $ for something you love...like yourself!!

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  3. Sorry you're haunted. Sending you much love.

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