Thank you, Matthew Perry

 

 

I read Matthew Perry's memoir last spring, months before he died. Apparently I'd put a hold on the audiobook at that time, as well. The library notified me it was available and last week I downloaded it.

In print it touched me. Hearing it, read by the author after his death, gutted me. Matthew Perry recounted how taking ketamine -- the drug that would kill him this past October -- made him feel like he'd been hit with a happy shovel and wondered if this is how it felt to die. Oh, Matty!

It was about this time that salacious revelations about his personal life began to emerge. He wasn't clean and sober, after all (obviously), though he clearly wanted to be. When he was using, he was careless, manipulative and abusive. No surprise there. He owned up to a lot in his memoir. It just all made me so very, very sad.

In this mood, I rewatched the Friends reunion. Seeing him with his co-stars, watching him at 50+ after decades of abusing his body intercut with clips from the show was jarring. He had aged so much faster than his co-stars, and participated in the special way less than they did. He wasn't well. Of course he wasn't. I thought it was because he'd recently had all of his teeth replaced, and maybe it was. But while Joey, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe and Ross now looked like older versions of themselves, Chandler looked like someone else entirely. 

My heart literally broke for this man. He wanted to be sober. He didn't like himself when he was using. He hated how weak he was, and how much his disease had cost him. I'm glad he believed in God, because I think his belief in Heaven will give his mother (his poor mother) and family some comfort as they mourn his death and the way he died.

I thought of my friend, Patrick, who is a recovering alcoholic. Why was he able to overcome addiction and Matthew Perry wasn't? I don't think it has anything to do with faith, or moral fiber or physical strength. Addiction is a disease. We don't assess blame when one woman dies of breast cancer while another doesn't. I don't question why thousands of people died of covid in November 2020, when I caught it, and yet I'm here.

People who are addicts make bad decisions. They lie to themselves and others. They can be abusive. It's part of the disease. Which leads me to this: If I can find all this compassion for Chandler Bing, why do I have none for Henry's husband, Reg?

Yes, Reg is an alcoholic who refuses to admit it. So was my darling Henry. I remember a disturbing conversation, before his accident, when Henry told me he surreptitiously sipped white wine before going to work every morning. That is not normal, though Henry swore it was because "this is Key West." I know Henry had been drinking the night the rode his bike into the side of a florist van. He always insisted to me that was "clear as a bell" at the time of the collision, but I know my friend. That evening he had gone to his writer's group (likely wine was served) and then spent two hours at the home of his friend, Sheri (whom I've never seen take a sober breath). I know what happened that night.

I have forgiven Henry because he suffered a traumatic brain injury. Because he has valiantly tried to live a normal life while physically unable to. Because as we speak, he is in his second month of being in a coma in a Fort Lauderdale hospital. He has paid for his alcholism. 

But my anger at Reg has been a mighty beast. Reg has never gotten Henry the prescribed after-care. Why? Because, I believe, Reg lives in terror that psychologists and social workers treating Henry would just naturally find out the truth about Reg's drinking and smoking (of all kinds). Who paid the heaviest price for this? Henry.

They had to sell their home in Key West to get out from under the bills. Why? Because Reg had slipped into a deep (and no doubt alcohol exacerbated) depression and stopped paying bills, reading mail, or answering the phone. Pro tip: Don't do that when you have a mortgage. Who paid the heaviest price for this? Henry. He was scared and disoriented every minute in Fort Lauderdale. Uprooting him like that was cruel.

Henry had a grand mal seizure last autumn, and treatment was complicated by all the alcohol in his blood. He should not have been drinking. He had no money, could not drive, and had forgotten how to use his own cell phone. How did he get the booze? It was in the house because Reg simply cannot live without it. Who paid the heaviest price for this? Henry.

Henry had begun falling out of bed onto the floor and slipping out of the house at night, in search of his brother, Raul, who is in Puerto Rico. It was the police who returned him to Reg the first time and then took him into custody the second. The hospital found bruises on Henry's hips and forearms and two tumors (caused by bruises) that were "smothering" his brain, all the result of bad falls on tile and cement. How did Reg -- who had engineered it so he was Henry's sole caretaker -- let this happen? Because when Henry was falling out of bed and leaving the house at night, Reg was sleeping it off. Who paid the heaviest price for this? Henry.

Yet Reg's Facebook page is a misty water-colored chronicle of his love for Henry. His tireless care for his husband. His selfless devotion. It used to make my blood boil to see Reg misrepresent reality in order to get sympathy, empathy, attention ... whatever. All at Henry's expense. 

Then it occurred to me: Reg wants this to be true. Desperately.

Just as Matthew Perry desperately wanted all of us to believe he was clean and sober. Because he desperately wanted to be clean and sober.

Duh, Gal.

I have always known that, as much as I love and miss Henry, Reg loves and misses him even more. I have tried unsuccessfully to feel compassion for Reg because despite my anger over how we got here, Reg's loss has been greater. So very much greater.

Reg is not a bad man. He is a sick man who made bad decisions and neglected Henry's needs because of his illness. Yes, Henry has paid the heaviest price for this. But Reg, who is still drinking, will have to live with this for the rest of his days. That, too, is a heavy price.

I don't expect to get over five years of anger overnight. But this insight has, to borrow Matthew Perry's words, hit me like a shovel. 

I do not want Reg in my life. He does not deserve to be. He has been cavalier and dishonest with me throughout Henry's ordeal, and that's in addition to the way he's neglected Henry. It is completely healthy for me to not want this man in my day-to-day.

But my rage is not healthy. Nor is it kind or fair. I don't have to call, email or text Reg to forgive and pray for him. Not because of the reckless, selfish way he's behaved. Because he is an alcoholic.

So, in addition to making me laugh and keeping me company during my every illness and operation since the 1990s, my friend Chandler Bing has taught me an incredibly valuable lesson.

Thank you, Matthew Perry. May you rest in the peace that you deserve.

Happy birthday

Today we celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King's birthday. I hate to be morbid on such a day, but my memory keeps going back to that evening in April 1968 when the news of his shooting broke. I was alone in the living room, listening to a TV show about the Beach Boys while playing with my Barbie on the coffee table. It felt scary and important. Usually I liked being alone -- my parents were in the kitchen dining together and my older sister was in her room doing homework -- but not now. 

That's the thing of it: I grew up on Dr. King. I heard about him my entire life. I did papers on him, one in grade school and another in high school. He influenced my life and he changed the world. When a man is so consequential, how to observe his birthday?

Today I wrote Postcards to Voters, alerting Long Island Democrats to the upcoming Special Election for George Santos' vacated seat. In my small way, I'm tried to make the world a little better. It felt right.

 

Hotel California

Saturday 9: Hotel California (1977)

Unfamiliar with this week's tune? Hear it here.

 
1) In this song, Don Henley called the hotel's front desk and asked, "Please bring me my wine." He was told they haven't had wine since 1969. When did you last have a glass of wine? It's been years. Since menopause, wine triggers debilitating migraines. This isn't a hardship, as I have become acquainted with mixed drinks that I like better anyway.

2) The lyrics refer to wine as a "spirit." That is incorrect. Wines are fermented, not distilled, and have a lower alcohol content than spirits. When "Hotel California" was popular, listeners who were into wine called radio stations to let them know about the mistake. Are you a wine aficionado? Are any of your friends or family knowledgeable about wine? I used to have a friend who took her wine very seriously. It amused me to hear her order. Is this an Italian wine? French? Oh, it's domestic? Is it from Napa? Vermont? She took such pleasure in the wine when it finally arrived, too.

3) In the song, Henley sings about looking for the door that will take him "back to the place I was before." Don says that refers to a loss of innocence and a longing for a simpler time. When you think about "the good old days," where does your mind wander to? I return to when I was 8 or 9, lying on the grass in the backyard, enjoying a book. I don't know why this moment is indelible, but I was so happy.

 

4) With five #1 singles, six #1 albums, and six Grammy awards, it's generally agreed that the Eagles were one of the most popular groups of the 1970s. Which decade produced most of your favorite songs? Mid-60s to mid-70s.

 

5) The Eagles were formed in 1971 when four of them happened to find themselves hired to play back up for Linda Ronstadt. The men found they really hit off and wanted to keep working together when the gig with Linda was up. Tell us about how you met someone important in your life. Back in 1992, six of us were hired on the same day to work on the same account. That's how I met Henry. He had just been laid off by Northwestern University and desperately needed a job, any job, so he put his computer skills to work. I was a copywriter and he was a Mac production artist. We went through orientation together and just clicked. Henry decided I was his "boss," even though I didn't supervise him in anyway. It was the beginning of a friendship where he always, always sees me in the best possible light. I treasure him.

 

6) The Eagles are still on the road, filling big arenas for their Long Goodbye tour. One explanation for their enduring popularity is that their music spans genres. They scored hits on the rock, pop and country charts. Other popular categories of music include classical, gospel, jazz, Latin, reggae, New Age, and rap. Which do you listen to most often? Which did you listen to most recently? I listen to the oldies station in the shower every morning.

 

7) In 1976, when "Hotel California" was topping the charts, the trend in home decor was vibrant. Intense copper, bright pink and vivid avocado were among the popular colors for bath towels, mats and shower curtains that year. If we were to peek into your 2024 bathroom(s), what colors would we find? When I moved in, my bathroom was seriously pink. Pink wall tiles, floor tiles, sink, tub and yes, even a pink toilet. I renovated it in 2018 and now it's all white, except for the pink/white checked floor tiles. So I use pink as the accent color on my towels and shower curtain.

 

8) Handbags were big in 1976. Not just in popularity but in size. Purses routinely had compartments on the inside and pockets on the outside. When you leave the house, do you travel light? Or do you prefer to carry a lot with you? I carry a lot.

9) Random question -- How different is your life today than it was a year ago: (a) a lot; (b) a little); (c) not at all? I'll go with (a). A year ago I was in the midst of a shit ton of dental work, embarking on yoga, and adjusting to life as a retiree. I think much of the more serious time in the dentist chair is behind me, weekly yoga classes are a part of my life, and I've made peace with the fact that my advertising career is over and I have a part-time job as a sales girl. I feel like a different gal.

Haven't got time for the stress

I like most things about my job at the card shop. My boss Cece is one of the warmest people I've ever met. The overwhelming majority of our customers are pleasant. The cards and wrapping paper are pretty and the candles smell good. I can stop for pizza or fried chicken on my way home.

But there's Jen. She's the assistant manager I work with most often. She's on the verge of 50 and a former ad agency exec who she thrives on adrenaline. Since there is little drama in our card shop, she creates it. After emerging from 43 years in a high-stress industry, I don't respond to this anymore. I felt my reaction to her isn't what she expects and I suspect she's disappointed ... and I can't quite bring myself to change.

Here's me and Jen in a nutshell: Last week, when we were moving the Christmas/Hanukkah products to the back of the store -- Jen behaved as though we were emergency workers removing tree limbs after a tornado -- we had space on our gift table. Jen told me that there are "like a half dozen Legos for adults" in storage and told me to bring them out because "now they'll sell."

I went to storage and found a shelf full of Legos that enable adults to build an elaborate bouquet of roses or an orchid for $50. That's a hefty price point for an impulse purchase, but no one asked my opinion (and I really like working where no one depends on me to make decisions). There were close to 20 boxes, but she asked for "like a half dozen," so I brought six out and stacked them on the gift table.

When Jen went to storage, she saw that there were still Legos for adults in the back and, with much harrumphing and sighing, she brought the others out and stacked them on top of the six I originally brought out.

Um ... she said "like a half dozen," which is six. She could have told me I misunderstood her direction. But she chose to be passive-aggressive, so I ignored her. I'm too old for this shit. Besides, putting those Legos out is not a high-stakes move. If the mere six I'd displayed sold immediately, all anyone had to do was walk to the storage and bring out more. And guess how many we've sold since New Year's: That would be none.

While I am not predisposed to change and will not meet her adrenaline rush-for-adrenaline rush, I have decided that if we are going to spend four hour stretches together, I'd like us to get along. So when she dials up the self-created drama, I try to diffuse it with small talk. About her personal life. I find people like talking themselves.

Example: When she started complaining about the mess yesterday's team left on craft table, she said her 9-year-old daughter is just as messy, so I pivoted to: "Hey! Isn't your daughter a Girl Scout? When does she start selling cookies?" Jen immediately grabbed her phone and texted me a link so I could place an order.

I do this all the time now. Yes, it is manipulative. But it lightens the mood and makes my day go easier, so what the hell.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash 

Thursday Thirteen #343

My 13 favorite books of 2023. I read 46 books last year. According to my Goodreads stats, my average rating for a book this year  was 3.5. So here are 13 of the books I ranked 4 stars or higher.

 1. Reclaiming History by Vincent Bugliosi. This is the exhaustive and, to my mind, definitive debunking of conspiracies surrounding the JFK assassination. According to Goodreads, at 1,612 pages, it's also the longest book I read this year. (5 stars)

2. In Cold Blood by Truman Capote. This was a reread for me, and it was just as powerful this time. It is not a just-the-facts-ma'am Dateline retelling of the Clutter Family murder, which I suspect younger readers want. It's a haunting, beautiful, ugly and important book from 1965. (5 stars)

3. Little Girl Blue by Randy L. Schmidt. This biography of Karen Carpenter broke my heart. A supremely talented singer and almost accidental star, she had none of the maturity or defenses to survive stardom, or her dysfunctional family. I liked this book more than many in the Goodreads community, but I stand by my 5-star rating.

4. Eligible: A Modern Retelling of Pride and Prejudice by Curtis Sittenfeld. What fun this one was! I knew the bare bones of the plot going in, and it was very entertaining to go along with Sittenfeld for the ride as the Bennet girls navigate finance, romance and reputation in the new millennium. (5 stars)

5. Daisy Jones & The Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid. I'm surprised I ending up liking this book as much as I did. It's told as an oral history of a fictional 70s band and I found that off-putting and confusing at first. But by the time it was over, I found I missed the women and was so desperate to know what ultimately became of them, it was as though they were real. (5 stars)

6. Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing by Matthew Perry. This memoir isn't especially well-written but its honesty and vulnerability won me over. Matthew Perry cut himself no slack; he understood what he had and what he threw away because of his addictions. His self-awareness and basic good nature shines through and made me root for him. His death, six months after I finished it, broke my heart because I wanted him to thrive and survive. RIP, Matty. (5 stars)

7. Golden Girl: The Story of Jessica Savitch by Alanna Nash. She's almost forgotten now, but in the early 1980s, Jessica Savitch was our It Girl. She was the only woman on the list of America's most trusted network anchors. When the red light came on, she came through, most notably with her live coverage of the airport assassination at Jonestown airport. Her blonde beauty graced magazine covers. She had a massive contract that paid her not only in money but in limos and hairdressers. Then poof! She was gone. Dead in a car crash at 36. What makes her story tragic and searing is the chasm between the public and private. Her ambition was so ferocious and her personal life so tumultuous and reckless that the car accident seemed almost like a blessing. She was on the verge of losing everything she worked so hard for, and at least she was spared that public humiliation. A real-life cautionary tale: Don't wish too hard for what you want, or you might get it.  (4 stars)

8. The Secret of the Old Clock by Carolyn Keene. Nancy Drew #1, the book that started me on the road to loving mystery stories. It was fun to revisit it for the first time since second grade. While I recalled nothing of the mystery, I remembered the day-to-day of Nancy's life: like her blue car and the delicious breakfasts whipped up for her by the family housekeeper.  Considering that it was written for kids, it's better plotted than it needed to be. (4 stars)

9. Eisenhower: The White House Years by Jim Newton. He was POTUS when I was born, but I knew very little about him. In fact, I knew more about Ike as general than I did as President. This book is linear, straightforward, and informative. I know more about post-war America than I did before and I'm better for it. I hope to read more about Eisenhower in 2024. (4 stars)

10. Churchill by Jacob Bannister. Before I read this book, Winston Churchill was like a cartoon character to me. I knew his face, I knew his voice, I knew his cigar and bowler hat. He was buds with FDR. I understood that the Brits revere him. But that's it, really. What an amazing life he had! He accomplished so much while battling depression. This is a high-level, almost Cliff's Notes version of his life (just 235 pages), but it is what I was looking for. I gave it 4 stars as much for Churchill himself as for the way his story is told here.

11. The Girls by Emma Cline. 14-year-old Evie is horny, confused and lonely. She just so happens to be at the park one day and sees The Girls -- braless hippie chicks in granny glasses, they seemed to free, so cool, so happy that Evie longs to join them. God help her, she gets her wish. Soon she's living with them on a ranch just outside town, where a madman teaches them about sex, drugs and murder. Based on the Manson Family, it was a dark, seductive book. It disturbed me deeply, so while I appreciated it, I didn't enjoy it. (4 stars)

12. Murder in an Irish Village by Carlene O'Connor. Book 1 of a new-to-me mystery series. I was introduced to the O'Sullivan Six of Kilbane and fell in love. They're a clan of siblings, kids still mourning their parents who died together in a car crash. The oldest girl, Siobhan, has put her dreams of university on hold as she tries to hold the family and the family business together. Siobhan is doing OK but she needs help. What she doesn't need is to find a dead body on the premises one morning. I read the second book in the series this year, too. (4 stars)

13. An Unwanted Guest by Shari Lapena. Wow. What thrilling story telling! Guests check into a secluded luxury hotel. A storm hits. They're stranded without electricity, internet or phone. People start dying. Now what? It's not an original premise. At all. But that didn't stop me from being all in, and it ends with a twist that no one could see coming, yet makes absolute sense. (4 stars)

Please join us for THURSDAY THIRTEEN. Click here to play along, and to see other interesting compilations of 13 things.

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: This Could Be the Start of Something (1959)

Unfamiliar with this week's tune? Hear it here.

1) We're beginning the year with an optimistic song about starting something new. Right now, are you feeling positive about 2024? Sure. I have a bitch of a cold, but since the average American adult gets two colds per year, I choose to think of it as getting my first cold of 2024 out of the way early.

2) In this song, Jack Jones sings that because he's on a diet he declines a rich dessert. Are you trying to lose a few pounds after the holidays? I suppose I should, but I don't really care.

3) The specific dessert referred to is a Charlotte Russe, a cake made with custard, fruit, cream, whiskey and gelatin. Preparation sounds like a great deal of work! What's the most recent dish you whipped up in your kitchen? A hot dog heated on the George Foreman grill, served in a bun I nuked in the microwave. Usually one has to visit to a convenience store to sample such cuisine.

I dined there in the 1980s

4) The lyrics contrast dining at Sardi's in New York with sunbathing in Malibu. Do you enjoy nightlife or are you more outdoorsy? My skin is so pale that sunbathing is not for me, and I did once have caviar at Sardi's, so I'll go with that.

5) This week's song was written by Steve Allen. While best known for his work on TV (he was the first host of The Tonight Show), he was also a composer who felt most creative at the piano. When do you feel most creative? I'm often quite brilliant in the shower. Unfortunately, my creativity sometimes loses some of its luster when I towel off.

 
6) This week's artist, Jack Jones, won a pair of Grammy Awards and has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Yet he's probably best known for singing the song that welcomed travelers aboard The Love Boat every week. What TV theme song can you sing along with? "Love, exciting and new. Come aboard, we're expecting you. And love, life's sweetest reward. Let it flow, it floats back to you.* The Love Boat soon will be making another run. The Love Boat promises something for everyone ..." It's odd that I know all these lyrics since I truly don't think I've ever seen an entire episode of the show. I absorb pop culture by osmosis sometimes. Like the other day, I killed time while waiting on the train platform by counting off Kris Jenner's grandchildren. I think she has 12. I do not care about any of them. I do not intentionally retain this information. It's just in my head somehow.

 

7) In 1959, when this song was popular, "continuing dramas" (aka soap operas) like Young Dr. Malone and Ma Perkins were broadcast daily on the radio. When you turn on the radio, do you listen for news, talk or music? Music.

8) Now let's turn the calendar and our attention from 1959 to 2024. Is there a skill you're looking forward to learning, or improving, this year? My flexibility. It's important to my physical health and mobility so I've resolved to resume stretching every morning.

9) Have you purchased anything on impulse yet this year? I ordered fried chicken on my way to Target. It was ready by the time I was done shopping. I wasn't that hungry but I really love their mild sauce.

 

*Or maybe it's "let it float, it flows back to you." I can't really tell.

Thursday Thirteen #342

13 facts about returning gifts. Now that the holidays are in the rear view mirror, let's take a moment and look at what happens to any gifts we received that we didn't want. (Most of these facts come from Brightly.com; some from my own experience/cranium.)

1. Americans toss out 25% more trash over the holidays. Now much of that is wrapping, decoration, shipping boxes, food leftovers and other holiday-related debris. But some of it is unwanted gifts.

2. Baby Boomers return gifts least often; Gen X and Millennials return the most. For those of you who, like me, can't keep the generations straight: Baby Boom is 1946 to 1964; Gen X is 1965 to 1980; Millennials are 1981 to 1996.

3. Boomers are more likely to re-gift than return. I know I'm a re-gifter and I was born in '57.

4. We are now in "peak return time." Most gifts are returned in the first three weeks of January.

5. Clothing is the most returned gift. The reason given most often is fit. I received a t-shirt from my friends Nancy and Paul and it's too small.

6. Most consumers exchange clothes for another item. Cash/store credit is less common. This surprised me. When I return things, I take the money if I can get it.

7. Only 48% of returns can be resold at full price. Most items are damaged in some way or show obvious wear.

8. Returns cost retailers money. Most of that expense is in employee time. First, there's the counter person at the register who takes the item from you. Then there's the time it takes to assess the condition of the product. Finally there's the cost of repacking it or preparing it to return to the shelf or the rack.

9. Some stores charge restocking fees. This is common for electronics, appliances and high-end clothes. I don't blame the stores at all.

10. Holiday specific returns are tough on retailers. Champagne flutes and paper plates that say "2024," Christmas decorations ... Even if the packaging is pristine, no one wants to buy these things in February.

11. Those that can't be resold at all often go into the landfill. While that's true, it's not always the case. The Brightly article doesn't mention this, but I know that some retailers send clothes to textile recyclers who shred fabric and turn it into useful items like insulation, yarn and industrial cleaning cloths.

12. If it's under warranty, the store may not take it back. If you got a defective appliance, you may have to deal with the manufacturer, not the store that sold it.

13. Gifts that won't be returned. Brightly recommends giving experiences, like concert tickets and museum passes, that can't end up in a landfill.

Please join us for THURSDAY THIRTEEN. Click here to play along, and to see other interesting compilations of 13 things.

WWW.WEDNESDAY

WWW. WEDNESDAY asks three questions to prompt you to speak bookishly. To participate, and to see how other book lovers responded, click here. 

PS I no longer participate in WWW.WEDNESDAY via that link because her blog won't accept Blogger comments. I mention this only to save you the frustration I experienced trying to link up.

1. What are you currently reading? Babe: The Legend Comes to Life by Robert W. Creamer.

I've returned to The Babe. I read a biography of him last year and while I found the man's life story compelling, that ambitious tome frustrated me because the author was trying to do too much -- or at least more than I wanted. I was looking for a linear telling of a legendary life.

So now I've picked up Creamer's book. This is the one that's regarded as the gold standard. As a baseball fan and a consumer of pop culture, I know Babe Ruth is important and still matters. (As the author points out, more than 70 years after Babe's death, if someone is referred to as "the Babe Ruth" of his profession, you know it means excellence.) I'm eager to immerse myself in why.

So now, in winter, I'm dreaming about baseball and reading about the best. (Or second best, according to Joe Posnanski, a sportswriter who insists Willie Mays was better. That's the thing about baseball; if you love the game you can debate these things forever.)

2. What did you recently finish reading? Secluded Cabin Sleeps Six by Lisa Unger. As the jacket says, "A dreamy weekend is about to turn into a nightmare." It sure as shit does!

 

Three couples who know one another well -- a brother and sister, their spouses, a childhood friend and her beau -- go away to for a weekend in the woods. They're not expecting to rough it. The brother is a tech millionaire and he's into conspicuous consumption, so in addition to hiking there are gourmet meals, spa treatments and yoga classes scheduled, all provided onsite in their little luxury lodge.

 

But instead they find themselves fighting for their survival. Someone in the wilderness wishes them ill. A storm is coming. Legend has it the woods are haunted. What exactly are they battling? Evil? Nature? The supernatural? Or one another?

This is an ambitious book. It's about who we are and what makes us that way. It questions how well we know one another and the ties of family. At times it's too much. I kept thinking of that quote from Coco Chanel: "Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take off one thing." I'd say similar to Unger: "Before you publish, look at your subplots and suspects and remove one."

But as messy as this book is, it's compelling. If you're in the mood for something a bit more complex than the standard mystery-thriller, I recommend it.

3. What will you read next? I don't know. It's going to take me a while to make my way through almost 500 pages with Babe.

Saturday 9

 OLD ME

1) In this song, the lead singer thanks his younger self for everything he learned from past experience. What's something you learned in 2023? I learned a lot as I made my way through my self-assigned reading project. I picked four people I've heard about my entire life but really knew little about -- Winston Churchill, Dwight Eisenhower, Aristotle Onassis and Babe Ruth -- and read biographies of them. These men are fascinating and consequential and while I'm certainly no expert, I have a better understanding of why they became legends.

 

2) He admits he did some things he wished he hadn't. Did you do anything in 2023 you wish you could take back? I was too free and frank when I pushed back against the input my new boss, Ceecee, shared with me. The feedback was from Katie from Corporate, and it was irrelevant and annoying, which I made clear. I still believe I was right, but I overreacted. I wasn't responding just to Ceecee, but to more than 40 years of irrelevant and annoying "Katies." I apologized to Ceecee and she was very gracious.

3) This music video consists of old photographs. Do you have many photos lingering on your phone or camera? Or are you prompt about downloading them? Some I download right away, but yes, some are lingering on my phone.

4) This week's featured artist is 5 Seconds of Summer, a band from Australia. Have you ever been to the land down under? If not, would you like to go? No and no. I have nothing against Australia. I'm sure it's lovely. There are just places closer to home I'd like to see, or see again.

 
5) In 2020, when this song was popular, "murder hornets," aka the giant Asian hornet, were spotted for the first time in the United States. Are you afraid of bugs? Nope. I have to be careful around bees and red ants because I'm allergic, but that's just commonsense.

6) Enough about 2020! Let's look back on 2023. Did you travel this past year? I went to Tampa to see Anthony Rizzo and the Yankees in spring training (and visit my Cousin Rose) and to the TCM Classic Film Festival in Los Angeles. Elaine and I went to New Salem, just outside outside of Springfield, for an overnight trip to tour the Lincoln sites.

 

The fall colors were a nice backdrop for Mr. Lincoln

7) What was the biggest purchase that you made in 2023? Does dental work count as "a purchase?" I spent a shit ton on my teeth this year.

8) What was your favorite book of 2023? This is hard to answer because the book that has stayed with me, that I keep thinking about long after I put it down, was The Big Fella, the Babe Ruth biography I mentioned in #1. But I think that's because Ruth's saga is so compelling, not because this particular biography is especially well written. (It jumps around a lot.) Still, Babe was a good and supremely talented man who overcame more than anyone should and went on to have a lasting impact on American culture so I'm glad I read it.

9) What are you looking forward to most in 2024? No one specific thing, but I'm optimistic about the upcoming year.

Thursday Thirteen #341

 

13 ways to avoid identity theft. The FBI tells us that more than 50,000 cases of identity theft are reported every year. Here are 13 ways to help keep yourself safe. (All of them are free.)

1. Pick up your mail every day and put a hold on your mail if you're going to be gone longer than overnight. Low-tech identity theft is making a comeback.

2. Drop your letters off at the post office, or put them in your mail carrier's hand yourself. We assume there are cameras everywhere, but there aren't, and there's been an uptick in theft from corner mailboxes.

3. Use a Sharpie or a gel pen when you write checks. "Check washing" is making a comeback, too. That's when one of the bad guys intercepts a check you mailed and uses chemicals to remove/replace the payee and dollar amount. Since your signature is legitimate, your bank will cash the altered check. To avoid this, don't use ballpoint pens to write checks. Instead, reach for a pen where the ink "bleeds" a bit into the paper, making it more resistant to those chemicals. 

4. Look at what's in your wallet. Leave your Social Security Card at home. Don't carry credit cards you're not likely to use that day. You'll be less vulnerable to identity theft if your wallet is lifted.

5. Change your passwords. Yeah, it's a drag. But like picking up your mail, sometimes the little things can go a long way to keeping you safer.

6. Shred your documents. Not just bank statements. Utility statements and credit card applications can be used to steal your identity.

7. Read your bank/credit card statements. It's common for the bad guys to hijack your account information and then make small transactions, to see if they can get away with it, before emptying you out.

8. Remember that medical records leave you vulnerable, too. There's another kind of identity theft on the rise: medical identity theft. Scammers use someone else's insurance information to get care. So read any insurance EOBs you receive closely and carefully, too. Contact your insurance company immediately if you see something amiss.

9. Use alerts. Many financial institutions will send you an email or text when funds are transferred to/from your account. Take advantage of this! 

10. Freeze your credit. Contact the three credit bureaus -- Experian, Equifax, and TransUnion -- and ask them to freeze your credit. That way, only you can open a new personal loan, credit card, etc. Freezing your credit is free and won't affect your credit rating.

11. Check your credit report. Those same three credit bureaus -- Experian, Equifax, and TransUnion -- can provide you with a free annual report. Similarly, keep an eye on your credit score. That way you can tell if a new account has been opened or if spending goes way up on one of your existing accounts.

12. Use public wifi carefully. Do your banking from home.

13. Think twice before paying with a debit card. If someone else uses your credit card, the most you can be liable for is $50. This is federally mandated. The law doesn't extend to debit cards. Either call and confirm with your individual bank what their policy is covering debit cards, or take the safer route and use your credit card.

Please join us for THURSDAY THIRTEEN. Click here to play along, and to see other interesting compilations of 13 things.

 

My Christmas Day of Service

Worship of God, service to man. Those words are carved above the entrance to my church. They inspired me to kick off my own very personal Christmas tradition: a day of service.

•  First I went through my front closet and decided to part with two very nice wool coats: one gray and one black. They are almost new. Since I no longer have a job that requires me to dress up to visit a client, I do not need either of them (and you can argue I never needed two). This time of year* some women who can't afford to buy them new will appreciate them. I also laundered my Michael Kors puffer coat. There's a telltale trace of my foundation on the collar, but it's a big warm coat with a brand name and it has value.

I took a moment to be grateful that I had a career that enabled me to have three very nice coats that I don't need. Especially when there are women -- right here in my community -- who spend our winters shivering in inadequate outerwear as they commute to their jobs. Or worse, spend their days outdoor and their nights in shelters or tents.

•  Then I got ambitious and signed up for nine Letters Against Isolation, instead of my usual three. I used the new snowy stickers and gel pens I got at the card shop where I now work. In between cards, I exchanged texts with John (naughty holiday jokes), Elaine (more trivia about It's a Wonderful Life, because we each knew the other would have it on) and Cousin Rose (we opened our gifts "together" across the miles).

I took a moment to be grateful for the people in my life. I am only alone when I wish to be. Letters Against Isolation has taught me that there are people for whom "alone time" doesn't feel like a luxury or an opportunity to recharge. For them it's soul crushing. 

I'm going to dedicate Christmas to service every year from now on. I'm not sure how it will look in 2024. But I'm sure the effect will be the same: it will refocus my heart on the reason for the season.

*Though it's been unseasonably warm so far this winter, we all know the mercury is going to drop. It always does.

Isn't this a lovely Christmas message?

 

This is what the former President and leading candidate for the GOP nomination wanted to share with us on Christmas Day. Yes, he politicizes one of the holiest days on the Christian calendar, apparently to the delight of his many "Christian" followers.

Every day Donald Trump makes me more grateful for Joe Biden and the thin line of decent statesmen who come between us and this.

WWW.WEDNESDAY

WWW. WEDNESDAY asks three questions to prompt you to speak bookishly. To participate, and to see how other book lovers responded, click here. 

PS I no longer participate in WWW.WEDNESDAY via that link because her blog won't accept Blogger comments. I mention this only to save you the frustration I experienced trying to link up.

1. What are you currently reading? Secluded Cabin Sleeps Six by Lisa Unger. As the jacket says, "A dreamy weekend is about to turn into a nightmare." Three couples rent a secluded cabin. It's not rustic and they aren't into roughing it. They're looking forward to relaxing days in the hot tub and nights on the high thread count bedsheets. But then a massive storm hits and people start getting dead.

Yes, this an oft-used premise, but it's one I'm totally into. I was also really into Lisa Unger's Confessions on the 7:45, so I have high hopes for this one. I also like that it starts immediately after Christmas dinner, and captures the letdown that often accompanies it. Perfect timing!

 

2. What did you recently finish reading? Santa's Little Yelpers by David Rosenfelt. Chris Myers spent more than a year in prison for manslaughter. While there, he participated in a program where inmates trained dogs. This endeared him to crusading lawyer/dog advocate Andy Carpenter, and when Chris is paroled he gets a job with Andy's dog rescue organization. Chris is working on weaning and homing a litter of eight golden retrievers when he is accused of murder. Andy is planning a Christmas trip to the Magic Kingdom with his family, but he puts it on hold to defend his friend.

This was a good mystery. The prosecutors have so much solid evidence against Chris that, instead of disputing it, Andy chooses to develop alternate scenarios of how the murder have been committed. None of these theories has to be true, just plausible enough to raise reasonable doubt in jurors' minds. Yet as they take shape, one in particular is intriguing. It leads Andy and team from their cozy homebase in Patterson, NJ, to a small, depressed and depressing town in PA. Andy realizes he is not just formulating an acceptable theory for the jury, he's on track to finding the real murderer.

 

It sucks as a Christmas book, though. I wanted more ho-ho-hoing, but here, the holiday is really incidental. So are the puppies! I wanted to know more about their eight little personalities. That's why, ultimately, I was disappointed.

3. What will you read next? I think it's time for a biography.