November Challenge -- Day 13

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November Challenge: Your opinion of your body and how comfortable you are with it

The way I look at my body, and why, has changed radically over the years.

When I was in my 20s, I worked out obsessively. At least 4-5 times a week. I weighed myself twice every morning, before and after my shower. I had great legs but no matter how hard I worked at it, I could not get down to a size 4. I was stuck at size 6. Much of the reason for that is (to borrow from A Chorus Line) "tits and ass." I'm just round in the balcony and orchestra pit. Which is fine, except it was very important for me to be equally attractive naked as trendily dressed. It was hard. It was a job in and of itself. 

You see, I not only had to be hot for my boyfriend in the bedroom, he had to be proud of me in public. No, it was not a healthy relationship.

In my 30s and 40s, it was refreshing to find my next lovers were happy with me as a size 8 or 10. 

Menopause hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel like I went in for a hysterectomy in 2011 and came out fat. I now wear a size 16-18. I don't really care.

Today is mammogram day. I am more worried about cancer than I am being attractive. In fact, now, when I worry about cancer, it is not the scars that upset me, it's losing my autonomy.

That's how I feel about my body today. Is it strong enough for me to stay independent?

Photo by Andreas Rasmussen on Unsplash