In November, I took a deeper dive. The hospital in Key West has an advisor on staff who can help locals enroll and fill them in on any discounts they may be eligible for. I sent this to Reg.
In December, I passed all of this information on to Patrick, who began living with Henry and Reg just before the holidays. Patrick offered to sit down with Reg and help him with enrollment. He was rebuffed. Emphatically.
I do not understand this. Why would anyone want to go without insurance coverage during a pandemic?
Also, whenever Reg isn't working, he's farting around online anyway. He watches YouTube videos and writes long, rambling Facebook posts about how difficult life with Henry has become. He has become so dependent on the "likes" and the supportive, "how do you stand it?" comments from people not as familiar with the situation as they might be. Why doesn't Reg spend an hour of that online time improving that difficult life?
Henry is worse than he was when I last spent in-person time with him in 2019, but not as bad as he was at the height of the pandemic lockdown in 2020. This tells me that his condition is evolving. The medications he's taking may no longer be adequate/appropriate. He needs a full neurological workup -- most likely in a hospital in Miami. He hasn't had one in more than two years.
Reg is tired and angry. He doesn't make shaving or hair cuts a priority anymore. He also no longer maintains boundaries with Henry. Reg indulges and indulges Henry's bad behavior to avoid constant, daily battles but then finally he can't take it anymore and blows up. Henry is confused and hurt by what he perceives as Reg's cruelty. Reg needs counseling -- anger management of some sort -- to help him cope with his unique circumstances.
Neither man can get the help he needs without insurance. They can get insurance for about (using online calculators) $300/month. It would be even less if Henry were declared both disabled and incompetent.
The Obamacare enrollment ends at 11:59 on Friday. I'm nauseous thinking about how that deadline will pass without them being covered.
I just sent Patrick another link, hoping he can use his proximity to greater advantage and convince Reg to act. I'm not hopeful, but I felt I had to do something.
But now I have to, in Patrick's words, "detach with love." I have to let it go.
I am not good at this.
Patrick is right. It is a hard, hard thing to do but sometimes you just have to allow people to manage or mismanage on their own. Unless having them declared incompetent to make such decisions is an option. Sadly, apathy isn't a reason. Reg definitely needs some relief and support. Being a caregiver spouse is HARD. Maybe you or Patrick could find him a support group...who also may be able to motivate him where you can't.
ReplyDeleteEasier said than done, I'm afraid. You're a good person to care so much. Henry should be drawing disability. I know that's a lot of paperwork and hassle, but better than not eating, paying rent, or getting medications. People do not take care of themselves well sometimes. All we can do is love them anyway.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you have truly done all you can. You are a good, caring friend.
ReplyDeleteOh, Gal, what a post. Henry and Reg are too close to the situation to see clearly. You're a great friend.
ReplyDeleteLetting go is so so hard when you know things COULD be so much better but the other person refuses to budge. Inertia and fear of change is strong in many of us and it's easier to just ignore it than to confront things we don't want to. Reg holding no boundaries and Henry surfing YT and fishing for pity online - everyone is holding on to their comfort zone.
ReplyDeleteYep, time to let go. I had to do it with my mom and it's so hard AND a relief at the same time.