Saturday, March 14, 2020
Happy, happy, happy
I had my second therapy session today. I left feeling energized. I didn't expect resuming therapy to feel so good.
Especially since today, the important part of our conversation centered on grief.
I began this journey because I'm not handling Henry's accident, and his aftermath, well. We were told, shortly after the accident, that his brain injury would cause fits of depression, aggression, and erratic behavior. After all, the portion of his brain that is most effected controls reason. This causes Henry to experience great frustration, and he lashes out. I understand this. So why does it hurt me so when it happens?
What feelings does it trigger in me? What's unresolved that won't let me get past his bad behavior (which I know he can't help)?
Today she brought me back to my uncle, whom I mentioned in last week's session.
My uncle has been dead for nearly 10 years. And while his life and death had a massive impact on me, I may not have allowed myself to mourn him. Or perhaps I'm not over the grief. But the connection is there, and it's powerful.
Like Henry (before the accident), my uncle always saw the good in me when not everyone did. Now all that unconditional approval is gone. I miss it.
At the end of his life, my uncle's battle with Parkinson's left him different. He was super emotional and ultra sensitive. The meds caused delusions. So I missed him when he was still here, much as I do with Henry.
Also, Henry and my uncle really hit it off. They met when my uncle, his wife and my mom spent a week at The Banyan. As a child, my uncle was a a big part of my Christmases. As my family fractured, I've begun spending Christmas with Henry and Reg.
This is all deja intense for me. But it makes sense. Giving me a handle on this helps me restore order to the chaos of my feeling. I never would have made this connection on my own.
I'm grateful to my new shrink, who gave credit to "the foundational work" I did with my previous shrink. She said she thought that made me more open to this process, and makes it easier to connect these dots.
So the dots are connected. Now what? Knowing where they feelings come from doesn't show me how to handle them.
It's only been two sessions. I have time.