It crops up when I least expect it

I just got my spring pedi. Same color as fall – Essie 321 "Mrs. Always Right" – and I was so happy with the way my nails are shaped. Plus this everyday extravagance fit so neatly into my budget. I hadn't spent my lunch money during the week and was able to use that to pay cash at the salon. Yay, me!

So why aren't I happier?

The nail tech complimented my feet, telling me the bottom of my feet are "as soft as a baby." She asked me if I did anything "special" to keep them so nice.

This got me talking about my late friend John. Back in spring 2016, he was diagnosed with severe, long-term, untreated diabetes which resulted in the amputation of one of his toes. Of course there had been signs – tingling and discoloration – that he ignored. Because he was John and he was in denial. John didn't do bad news. Well, I told the nail tech, I learned from what happened to John. I'm a fat old lady who eats too much sugar. I have to be on the lookout for diabetes so every morning I scrub my feet with an apricot scrub. It leaves them soft, yes, but it also gives me a chance to give them a daily once-over so I don't end up like John. 

The poor nail tech. She asked a simple question about my beauty regimen and she got an earful about how that amputation changed John's life forever, causing him to walk with a cane and leaving my running buddy feeling vulnerable until the end of his days.

That's the thing: John and Henry pop into my thoughts daily. It'll be a year next month that John died. June will mark one year since I lost Henry. They were more my family than most of my blood relatives. 

The loss is always with me. I go through my days thinking I'm OK and then, when I'm getting a pedi, it washes over me, hurts my heart and undoubtedly makes an unsuspecting nail tech uncomfortable.

I don't think I'll ever be over it. I'll be better, of course, but it's always going to hurt. I keep thinking of something Joe Biden used to say, "There will come a day, I promise you, when the memory of your loved one will bring a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye." I trust you, Mr. President, but I'm still waiting.