Uncomfortably numb

Scared. Heartbroken. Angry. I have a lot of feelings just waiting to overwhelm me. But right now, I prefer feeling nothing. 

John is back in the ICU. He had been moved to cardiology, where nurses reported that he was improving every day. But suddenly, Monday, he began vomiting blood. They did some kind of endoscopic exam and discovered healed over stomach ulcers. They think it was "old blood" and now that it's expelled, he may start feeling better and eating again. I admit I have no idea what I'm talking about here. I'm getting the information on his condition from Gregory, who is getting it from John's brother, who is getting it from the medical staff. Asking questions doesn't really do me much good, because Gregory can't answer.

His condition is worse than I was originally led to believe. The reason he decided, back in January, to take time to himself and "re-evaluate" is that he fell in his apartment and blacked out. He thought he'd passed out from too much liquor and weed. Turns out it was a stroke (strokes are not uncommon for people like John with congestive heart failure).

This frightened him but, rather than contact a doctor -- like anyone would! -- he chose to withdraw, believing that if he stopped drinking and smoking he would get better. Instead became seriously depressed and his health worsened as he grappled with an undiagnosed/untreated stroke. Now here we are ...

More than 10 days at Northwestern Memorial Hospital with no release date in sight. It's a world-class hospital, where the doctors are trying to prioritize and treat his:

•  Irregular heart rate and congestive heart failure

•  Infection and internal bleeding

•  Depression and brain damage

•  Diabetes and rollercoaster blood sugar level

Most disturbing to Gregory now is the attention paid to ongoing assessment of damage from the stroke. John continues to be "foggy," often struggles to find the right word, and has short-term memory loss. How much of this is a result of all the meds coursing his veins and what's permanent brain damage? We don't know.

"If he comes home, he has a life expectancy of 5 to 7 years."

I simply cannot process this right now. I feel nothing. I woke up this morning to tummy trouble, which makes sense because that is where everything I don't acknowledge goes.