I no longer know how to make friends. Up until covid, it's always been my thing. My dad's favorite Gal story* was about me at, age 4, on my first-ever day of Sunday School Kindergarten. My parents had been worried about me because I'd never attended before, and my older sister was in the First Grade class. I was solo for, probably, 30 minutes. They were afraid I'd be overwhelmed or frightened. Anyway, after Sunday School, my sister was waiting obediently on the corner where my dad was going to pull the car over and we could hop in. I was nowhere to be seen. The drivers behind my dad were getting impatient and so he circled the block. I was spotted on the lawn beside the church with my new classmates, laughing and running around rather pointlessly, burning off energy in my Sunday Best. "We were worried about her but she already had a half dozen new friends!"
And so it's been. While I am an introvert who needs alone time, I've always had an easy time with new people. I can talk comfortably with strangers. Then covid happened, and I believe that, slowly, over the course of 19 months, I've gotten squirrely.
Take movie group. We were discussing I Married a Witch via Zoom. Elaine and Bob were both IMing in the side chat. Elaine wanted to update me on her cat's recent trip to the vet (he gets feline acupuncture). Bob wanted to discuss John Lennon's recent birthday (October 9), asking me if I observed it in any way. Elaine has also been regularly sending me long emails, sharing what's going on in her life, and she's been sweet about Reynaldo. Bob felt bad that it took me so long to keystroke in my reply about John. "I'm sorry to bother you," he said. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings. I was just trying to carry on three conversations at once.
But I was also like, STOP! STOP IT, YOU TWO! Elaine has invited me to a homemade dinner in her apartment to meet her dog and cat. Bob wants to talk about Klaus Voormann "someday" over beers (once our group is back to meeting in person again).
This is how people make friends, I get that. And the whole point of movie group is to meet people with a common interest! It's how I met Joanna, and she's turned out to be a good friend.
So why am I so uncomfortable with Elaine and Bob? Why am I rejecting emotional intimacy? I should be more open, more grateful. They want to be friends with me. What a gift that is!
This right here is why I'm in therapy.
*I don't know if I remember this moment, or if I overheard the story so many times.
We have finally morphed into the same person! LOL Well, aside from Cubbies and COOKies. I have a friend I chat with on Voxer and I told my therapist that she wants to know how I am and what's going on all the time. Therapist replied "I believe that's called intimacy." and I said EWWWWW. We'll be having NONE of that. LOL I feel ya. I want it on MY terms but that's now how any of this works. It's much harder to let people in as we age, isn't it? (Sends a hug)
ReplyDeleteI get this and don't think you are alone at all. The leaders of the "empty nesters dinner group" we were in (through church) finally decided they had enough and didn't want to "be in charge" any more so no more dinner group. Although we have enjoyed going for the past three years, I wasn't sad at all that the group is ending. I kind of felt relieved, but at the same time I felt a little guilty that I felt relieved. I think Covid has done this to us. We have so many anti-vaxxers around here in Utah, especially in our church, that I would just rather not be around people especially when there is the potential that they could make me sick! This is probably a silly fear because have been vaccinated and we always mask up, but I find the anti-mask, anti-vax attitude anti-social. It's even making me not want to go to church. Our social lives are yet another casualty of Covid and this whole terrible divisive political climate.
ReplyDeleteI understand this completely. When you reach a certain age and your long time friends start to die, it's difficult/impossible to make new ones. I, too, am lonely.
ReplyDeleteGal--You are not alone in this. Especially during the pandemic I find I'm not emotionally available for new people.
ReplyDelete