Thursday, January 11, 2018

She's revealed herself again

One of my coworkers and I have become rather close over the last year or so. Mostly because we're the last two left on our creative team, the last two left in our age group, etc. And we have a lot of shared history.

This cordiality makes the day go faster/easier, but it masked something I always knew about her: she's fundamentally self interested.

This revealed itself to me again yesterday. She was daydreaming aloud about what she wants in her next lover. "A nice widower," she said. Not someone who has never been married! People who have never been married are immature and can't be there for her the way she deserves. (This said while conveniently forgetting that I have never been married.)

I told her about a guy I went to grade and high school with. He's kept up with my oldest friend via Facebook and coincidentally is a musician whose path crosses regularly with my favorite cousin's. So when I got the "friend" request, I clicked "yes." He looooves all my posts. I mean, we seem to have a scary amount in common. We even get our hair cut at the same place. So I was thinking of reaching out to him. Except, I added, I really have no recollection of him past junior high. So, I joked, wouldn't it be like dating a 7th grader?

"Who? Who are you talking about?" She clearly hadn't been listening. Even though it was just her and me sitting there at the round table in our office. So I patiently repeated it all again.

"If he's never been married, he probably is like a 7th grader," she said -- not only completely missing my point (that I last remember him in junior high) but again not caring if she offends the never-married me.

Because we were no longer talking about her.

In the past, she has gotten jealous when coworkers talk to me about The Cubs, because she can't participate. (And believe me, that's a CHOICE. There is no dearth of information flying through the ozone about the Bears and the Cubs.)

I've also been thinking about the way her last relationship ended. He wasn't attentive to her. He didn't interest her. Valid points, I'm sure. But still, it occurs to me that she never seemed to have a moment of self doubt about whether she was a good lover for him.

And, for some reason, she is opposed to my helping Napoleon's family.  Come to think of it, I've never heard her mention a cause or charity she truly believes in.

I am cataloging all this not to slag her. It's to remind myself. Someone like me can be very badly hurt by believing someone like her is a true friend. She can't be. She can't get out of herself long enough.

This is the way she is. She's over 55 years old, and expecting her to be different is folly. We can be friendly, but not friends.


  1. Very interesting insights.

  2. Sadly, I find a lot of people can be like that. And you're right in the distinction - friendly vs. friends. Isn't it disheartening for someone (you) who is so open and willing to take an interest and listen to find that it's not returned? I feel that way a lot. (sigh)