Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Continuing Saga

My oldest friend has so much drama in her life. Some of it she creates, some of it she attracts. If it wasn't for the former, the latter wouldn't be so devastating. And I wouldn't be so continually worried about her.

Monday I got an email from her containing links to a municipal blog for her new neighborhood and more Ghost Adventures blather. I didn't respond because, to my knowledge, she still hadn't found a free moment to click on the Jib-Jab holiday card I made especially for her two months ago. She knew this bothered me -- I have told her so -- and I thought that sending me links to other sites she examines in her spare time was more than a little insensitive. When she didn't hear from me, she finally (FINALLY!) reviewed my card and thanked me for it. On the one hand, she worries about being alone in the world, and on the other hand, she callously disregards my gestures. I shrug, try to accept, and try to get past it. But sometimes, it's hard.

Anyway, later in the day Monday I got another email from her. She took a terrible tumble again, second time this year, this time breaking her elbow. She will be out of work for a week. She's on Vicodin again, second time this year, which worries me. And she's been driving, even though she can't easily get in or out of her car because with her broken elbow, it's almost impossible to buckle/unbuckle the seat belt. This worries me, too. Her email closed by saying she'd call me on Tuesday. Because of the pain meds, I didn't call her, even though she was never far from my thoughts.

She did call Tuesday, when I was at lunch, and left a message. I didn't return her call for two reasons: 1) I didn't want to disturb her when she may be trying to sleep and 2) she often doesn't pick up when I call anyway. Many times when she's complained of the blues, I have tried to call and cheer her up but she seldom answers and she never returns my calls. She gets so wrapped up in her own drama that she doesn't think of the impact her behavior has on me.

So imagine my surprise when I got home Tuesday night to find emails and calls, wondering if I was OK. I wasn't being manipulative with her, I was just kind of worn out and saddened by the way she often treats me. It was gratifying to see she really does value me as an individual and not just as a comfort/support resource.

I hope that while she concentrates on healing, she will use this time off to look calmly and objectively at her life in California (at least as objectively as anyone can look at their own lives). She has to recommit to her job because, as hard a time as she's having, she needs it to support her lifestyle. She has to work things through with her troubled daughter and, in her own words, "cut the apron strings" that tie her to her older son. She has to think about her own health -- her weight, her ankles, her teeth, her heart, her smoking, her depression ....

I worry about her. One could argue that she created much of what she is facing now by willfully making this move before without real preparation but you know what? That really doesn't matter now and I must stop looking at it through that prism. Now that I'm confident our friendship is reciprocal, I feel more free to devote more energy into helping her work all this through.


  1. Sorry to hear about your friend's accident. She doesn't need more drama.

  2. (hugs you) If I had a magical wand, I'd wave it and make all your loved ones adore you back in the same measure you adore them (more, even) because they have no idea how lucky they are to have such a wonderful, caring friend.