Friday, March 21, 2008

He was the worst thing to ever happen to me

I wasted my 20s on a man who was completely unworthy of me. He was physically abusive and emotionally cruel. A narcissist who exquisitely exploited my weaknesses to gain strength. I was young enough and neurotic enough to confuse all the sturm und drang with love. After that relationship ended, it literally took me years to rebuild my life.

He was an asshole. And everything he did to me, I allowed him to do. No one will ever again cripple me the way he did. I won't allow it.

Because this relationship had such a huge impact on my life, what happened Thursday night has had a huge impact, as well.

He emailed my friend John, trying to re-establish contact after all these years. He told John how having two daughters has changed his life. How it led him to God. How since leaving Chicago he has learned to hunt and fish. That he carries a concealed Smith and Wesson handgun.

He asked John to intercede on his behalf, to get him my permission to contact me. He says he has Googled me but doesn't even know how to start talking to me. He does, however, want to "beg on bended knee" for my forgiveness. He hopes that when I think of him, I think of the "crazy good times."

I asked John to tell him that I never want to hear from him again.

I don't forgive him. Some things really are too damaging to forgive. I hope God forgives him, but that's between him and the Lord. I'm not involved.

If he could find John's email address, he can find mine. I have to brace myself for that. But I can end it by blocking him my emailbox. I must remember that he needs my permission to torment me again, and I'm not granting it.


  1. Anonymous9:44 AM

    Keep strong. That's probably the best advice I can give to you right now.

    The mention of the gun has me concerned. Perhaps a call to the local police precinct is in order-if only for a little peace of mind.

  2. I think you did the right thing. I have one of those men in my past too (though thankfully I didn't waste *too* much time on him) and I wouldn't want him to contact me either.

    Hope this blows over and he leaves you alone. The gun thing worries me too. Why on earth would he even mention that?!?

  3. Thanks, ladies. I appreciate the support. The mention of the gun (including the caliber) seemed menacing to me, too. It makes me feel less paranoid to see that you saw it as odd, too. He lives out of state, so I'm trying to stay cool. But if tries to actually SEE me, I guess it will time to alert the authorities.

  4. Why do people use their faith in God for an excuse for past behavior? Just by saying your saved makes you a better person?

    I think it's safe to say that your blog is kept anon very well. He won't find you this way.

    I hope that someday, you will find someone that deserves you!
    Peace and Happy Easter.

  5. Keep your chin up girl. Stay safe and don't give him any permission to enter your life.

    I wouldn't hesitate to tell the police if I was scared.

    Fucking jerk. Freaks like that make me ill.

    Sending you hugs and love.

    Happy Easter.

  6. NNG and Jenny -- I'm grateful for the good thoughts. Your support reinforces my resolve. Hapy Easter, and thank you both.

  7. you are welcome girl. (((((hugs)))))

  8. "I must remember that he needs my permission to torment me again, and I'm not granting it."

    Once you give away your power, you've lost it. Brava to you.