Vacation Prep

Two weeks from today I will return to Colonial Williamsburg for my annual spa getaway -- along with a heaping teaspoon of historical geekiness.

I'm getting ready to go. I have my accommodations booked and my spa reservations made. (The first day will be devoted to my feet, with a reflexology massage and a pedi; the second day is all warmth, with a hot stone massage and steamy facial.) And today I booked my limo rides to and from both O'Hare and Richmond Airport.

Last time I was at the local library I grabbed a random Cat Who ... book. I'm not reading them in order -- I just check out whichever one I find on the shelf. This time I left with The Cat Who Went Up the Creek. One of the characters, Polly, is visiting Colonial Williamsburg! I just read the postcard from the Governor's Palace she sent to our hero, Qwill. So I'm considering this slender volume part of my vacation prep, too.

Image: xedos4 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Annoying!

Every spring my skin gets terribly dry skin. To combat it, I keep the humidifers going at home and I slather/spray/smooth nice, thick moisturizer everywhere I can. Including my back.

The result? A pimple growing under the hooks of my bra. In exactly that spot that the strap rubs across it so no matter how I move, I feel it. I hate how many of my conscious thoughts have been devoted to the zit on my back.

Movie Monday

This week's movie topic is all about Books in the Movies...Share on your blog some of your favorite bookish flicks (movies that feature books, reading, librarians, bookstores and the like), linking back here at The Bumbles.

Shadowlands. I loved this movie when it first came out but haven't thought about it in ages. (Shame on me.) An American divorcee, an aspiring writer named Joy (played by Debra Winger) is a huge fan of author CS Lewis. She's enchanted by his ideas and the way his mind works, as represented by the words on the page. She begins a correspondence with him and he (Anthony Hopkins) is equally as impressed by the way she seems to be able to see him so clearly without ever having met him. She flies to Oxford, they meet and then slowly, gently, unexpectedly fall in love. I don't want to be a spoiler, but something major and terribly sad happens that will strike you as cruel. These two waited so long to find one another and then this happens! At one point Joy tells Lewis that we can't enjoy life's happiness without suffering its pain. "That's the deal." That's life. Wise words, but such a hard lesson.

It's a true story, which adds to its poignancy. I also embrace the idea that a sensitive someone can see into our souls by the words we write. Also, their faith was a powerful bond between them. They were both converts to Christianity -- he from atheism and she from Judaism -- and that's an unusual topic for a mainstream film with Oscar-worthy stars.

Sunday Stealing

Sunday Stealing: The Burnt Toast Meme, Part Two

17. Who would you like to show up at your door to say they love you? Mark Harmon. Of course, he could show up at my office wearing his white and carry me off into the sunset, thereby combining two fantasies.

18. Last furry thing you touched? My cat Joey

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? Crestor for my cholesterol and Allegra D for my allergies.

20. Do you miss film or does digital work for you? Digital is fine, except I keep forgetting to get the photos printed up.

21. Favorite age you have been so far? 35. I felt very sexy and womanly, and I was happy in love.

22. Your worst enemy? Me

23. What is your current desktop picture? Jackie Kennedy Onassis keeping her cool even as pursued by paparazzi. It's there to remind me that when the going gets tough, you've got to just put on your sunglasses and keep going.

24. What was the last thing you said that was funny? I'm such a veritable laugh riot that I can't recall

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be? The money. I'm terrified of flying.

26. Who can't you say “no” to? My best friend. When he thinks I'm not acting in my own best interest, he often talks sense to me in his "dad voice."

27. The last song you bought or downloaded? "Frank Mills" from Hair.

28. What time of day were you born? Midnight. Since it doesn't legally exist, my mother had to choose between 11:59 PM and 12:01 AM. She went with 12:01 AM.

29. What’s your favorite number? Why? 7 -- I don't know why.

30. Where did you live in 1987? On the other side of the tracks. Literally. If the train tracks weren't outside my current abode, I could see my old one from here.

31. Are you jealous of anyone? Yes.

32. Is anyone jealous of you? I suspect so.

33. It's been almost a decade. Where were you when 9/11 happened? I was getting ready for work. Putting on makeup when the first plane hit, tying my shoes when the second plane hit, and listening to the coverage on my Walkman, walking up Randolph, when the third plane hit. I got to the office in tears and was told to turn around and go home -- the Chicago Police were shutting our building down because it housed the Israeli consulate and no one was sure who was behind the attacks, or if Chicago and LA were next. In retrospect, I have no idea why I got on the train at all, why I didn't just stay home where I belonged. Shock, I suppose.

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: St. Patrick's Day

1. St. Patrick's Day is March 17th (Thursday). Do you celebrate and wear green? Drink Green Beer? Ignore it? I celebrate my 15% of Irishosity by wearing green.

2. If a leprechaun told you that you could have any amount of money from his pot of gold but it had to be a specified amount for a specified item, how much would you ask for and what would it be for? $80,000, so my niece could go away to the college of her dreams.

3. One of the symbols of St. Patrick's Day is the leprechaun. Name a celebrity that you think would look good as a leprechaun. Name a celebrity that would look ridiculous as a leprechaun. Is there any one celebrity that would make a really scary leprechaun? Mickey Rooney would be an adorable leprechaun. John Mayer would be a ridiculous leprechaun. Mel Gibson is a really scary whatever-the-fuck-he-is.

4. For a prize of $1,000,000,000 you are challenged to make yourself a costume for a St. Patrick's Day party. The ONLY rules are that you aren't allow to use clothing and it has to be green. Using anything other than clothing, describe your costume to us using ANYTHING else in the house. I would wear my green afghan as my magic cloak and declare myself QUEEN of the leprechauns. Award me the prize money or risk my wrath.

5. What day of the week is your busiest? Tell us about your schedule. Wednesday. We have our staff meeting at 11:00. It's really the worst possible time in that it cuts the busiest part of my day in two.

6. No matter what's going on in your life, what always makes you smile? I always respond to this song. I guess it's written in the key that my soul is singing.



7. Of all the clothes you own, what do you feel most comfortable wearing, and why? Jeans and a t-shirt

8. On what television show—either past or present—would you like to make to make a guest appearance, and what role would you play? NCIS. I want Gibbs to protect me from harm. Even if it means covering my body with his own. And staying there for hours. Maybe even all night.

9. What else is on your mind? Go ahead and rant. My oldest friend's life is spinning out of control. Like she's caught in a downward spiral. I keep reaching out to her but I can't seem to pull her out of this cycle.

A meme for a Friday evening

Swiped from Kwizgiver

So, what did you do today? Worked out. Finished up our April acquisition project. Thoroughly enjoyed a Five Guys cheeseburger for dinner as I waited for the grocery delivery guy

What was the last movie you watched? All About Eve

What's your favorite type of donut? Plain chocolate glazed or a nice chocolate frosted longjohn

What was the last non-alcoholic beverage you consumed? I am drinking a Coke

What color are your headphones? Gray and black

Who is your last text from? My friend Kathleen

How do you make money? Selling stuff

What color did you last paint your nails? Revlon Oh My Magenta

What color is your wallet? Brown leather

Do you currently have feelings for anybody? Yes, I have a lot of feelings for many people (Kwiz' original answer)

Do you know any "cougars"? No

What's your favorite t.v show? NCIS

Have you ever been to a concert? Yes

Who was the last person you were in a car with? Cab driver

Are you in love? With who? I'm a little in love with lots of men.

What's your job title? Associate creative director

Do you shave your armpits? It's been known to happen

Do you think that piercings are trashy? Depends on who and what

Is the light on in the room you're in? Yes

Favorite fruit: Banana

Where is the person you dislike the most? Wherever he is, he should only stay

How about the person you have feelings for? How about him?

Do you prefer glass or plastic cups? Glass

Is your house big or small? Small

Can you whistle? Not in the least

Do you wear bows in your hair? Nuh-uh

Has anybody ever been obsessed with you? Define obsessed. I have received more attention than I have wanted.

My first audible "OH, NO!" of the season

My heroes in Cubbie blue faced the Forces of Darkness today for the first time in 2011. We were never behind, and at one point (that would be the top of the 9th), the score was 4-0. It was feeling like a gas and a giggle and I was so happy.

And then ... somehow the Sox managed a 6-hit, 3-run 9th and the game suddenly became a nail biter. I was sanguine after the first run. I remained calm even after the second run scored. But with the third run, it happened. I moaned my first "OH, NO!" of 2011.

But who's a Gal of Little Faith? The Cubs prevailed and won 4-3. And, since it's a pre-season game, it's really not a big deal.

I just so desperately hate losing to the Sox.

Under the knife

The drama in my oldest friend's life continues. She is in surgery as I write this, having her broken elbow and still-smarting wrist repaired. Recovery time will be a month, maybe two. She's worried about her job, and I think that's a very valid concern. She started there in November and by the time she reaches her 6-month anniversary, she may have already clocked 90 days off (her daughter had the stomach flu, she had bursitis in her shoulder, and now this).

I contacted a lawyer in her Beverly Hills neighborhood and got advice on how best my friend can hang onto this job. The free phone consult was very helpful, with tips on how to word any correspondence with her employers. The key, it seems, is to frame this as a "disability," not an "injury." For she protected from legal termination in the State of California if she became disabled in the workplace; no such protections exist if it's an injury. My friend thanked me for doing this bit of legwork for her but has done nothing the lawyer recommended yet. Her children have been too hard for her to handle and she's tired and hurt.

Her 21-year-old son moved back in with her and his temper has been getting the best of him. He's verbally abusive and likes to punch things (walls and doors) when he's mad. Her 14-year-old daughter has been truant, drank beer during school and brought a stoned-out friend home with her who proceeded to vomit all over my friend's kitchen.

She really doesn't need all this drama, and yet this drama is what she keeps getting.

My best friend's theory is that she is the victim of self-sabotage -- that since she has not turned out to be great at mothering, she doesn't feel she deserves good things. He may be on to something here. For how else do we explain her refusal to shoot off an email that could help her preserve her job? (The lawyer and) I practically wrote it for her. Yes, she's tired and sad and hurt, but she'll be in more dire straits if she has no income.

I worry about her so. I keep hoping that the stress she's under will abate and she'll have a chance to just be happy.

"I love him, but it embarrasses me to walk down the street with him"

My friend Barb and I went to see the revival of Hair last night. I haven't given that show a moment's thought in years (decades?), so I forgot how charming the score is. Here's "Frank Mills," my favorite song of the night.



The rest of the evening was interesting, too. I brought a $20 discount for the restaurant we dined at -- it was a rebate I earned for regularly making our reservations through Open Table. I was very excited about using it to cover our tip, thereby helping me stay on budget for this week.

After the play we stopped at her office to pick up her iPad. I asked her what she used it for and she said, "everything." Not good enough. I'm seriously thinking of getting one to add a year or two to the lifespan of this MacBook. It's still working fine, but unibody is showing signs of wear. If I use an iPad for most things but left the MacBook at home for only Microsoft Word and long-format copy (i.e., work) and Quicken, I'm sure I won't need a new one for at least another year -- when changes in software will drive my purchase decision.

Barb's response? "Gal, just buy a new MacBook. I mean, how much can they cost?"

"$1200," said I.

"Exactly. What's $1200 in the scheme of things?"

"Barb, that's a week's takehome pay."

Embarrassed silence.

I am an associate creative director. I work for a vice president/creative director. Who works for a vice president/group creative director. Which is the job Barb has at another agency. Plus she's a part owner, which makes a big deal come bonus time.

Whereas I haven't had a raise for years.

I think she forgot.

In 2004, I was burned out and I got off the merry-go-round. I freelanced for a year and half before I took this job, which was a $30,000/year paycut from where I had been. That was my conscious choice -- I no longer wanted to be a boss and I hated firing people. So I'm not complaining or whining about that. (I am complaining and whining about not getting a raise for years ... four years, actually, but who's counting?)

So I think Barb forgot that I'm not longer just a rung behind her on the corporate ladder, and I suspect she assumed I my annual salary is still $30,000 more than it is.

It was a sobering moment for both of us. I tried to diffuse the tension by telling her about my new austerity initiative, inspired by my new motto: "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life." We both laughed ... albeit awkwardly.

Why am I explaining myself?

Today at the health club, the woman dressing beside me saw the book I was dropped beside my gym bag and said, "Well, that's weird. That's a weird book."

"I think it's funny," said I.

"Lots of black women aren't bitter, you know."

"That's not what it's about. It's a pun based on that phrase ...."

"What does that have to do black women?"

"Nothing! That's what I'm trying to explain to you."

Why am I naked, explaining my literature choices to a woman whose name I don't even know? Why does she care what I'm reading? And besides, if she bothered to read the cover before interrogating me, she would see that it says:

Bitter is the New Black

Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office

Today's encounter just reinforces my long-held theory that the most annoying people in North America reconnoiter at my local Bally's.

It's always sunny in HoHoKam

It's an overcast, damp, drab 43º day here in Chicago. But where my Cubs are playing, in Mesa, it's a sunny, breezy 73º. It doesn't matter that my heroes in pinstripes are kinda sucking today. I mean, it literally doesn't matter because this is only preseason play. And it's fun to hear baseball -- even sucky baseball -- after the long, cold, lonely winter without it.

I also had a dream about my beloved future Hall of Famer, Greg Maddux, last night. He's been in the news lately because he's been mentoring some of the younger Cub pitchers. I dreamed that I saw him walking around by the Chicago River, carrying a golf club and smoking a celebratory cigar after doing especially well in some golf competition. He gave me an autograph and I told him I loved him and he smiled in a self-deprecating way. Apparently my dream took place in the future because he signed it HOF (Hall of Fame) and he won't be eligible until 2014.

I Want Wednesday

I want to remember to "pay it forward." Last night I was carrying the box that contained my new air purifier. The package wasn't heavy but it was unwieldy (at least 20" tall and probably twice as wide), and I had an interesting time maneuvering it onto the train.

A young man (between 25 and 30) not only gave me his seat on the train, he insisted on helping me get it down the stairs. No kidding, he actually said, "I insist you let me take this on the stairs."

Small kindnesses like that don't feel so small to the person on the receiving end. I must remember that and do something similar for someone soon.

10 on Tuesday

Greetings from Geek City

I love First Ladies. It's such a high-profile role but it comes with no job description. Everything Mrs. President does is scrutinized and discussed and lauded or criticized beyond its actual value. The way each lady handles the job, the fame, the criticism and the impact it has on her family is like a Rorschach Test.

I'm currently reading The Lincolns by Daniel Mark Epstein and I'm stricken by all the similarities between Mary Lincoln and Jacqueline Kennedy. I'm not talking about those silly Lincoln/Kennedy coincidences that maudlin conspiracy theorists loved quoting in the 1960s. (Lincoln was shot at Ford's theater, and Kennedy was shot in a Lincoln, which made by FORD! Get it?) These reveal a bit more about the ladies involved.

TEN SIMILARITIES BETWEEN MARY LINCOLN
AND JACQUELINE KENNEDY

1) Both women were "daddy's girls." Mary adored Robert Todd and insisted she was his favorite daughter. Jackie's relationship "Black Jack" Bouvier explains her tendency to fall for dashing but emotionally remote men.

2) Both had a difficult time adjusting to life as stepchildren. Mary's mother died when she was just six, and her father soon after remarried, leaving Mary to forever feel slighted in her own home by her stepmother -- a woman Mary believed favored her natural children. Jackie's parents divorced when she 11, and her mother remarried two years later. Jackie found herself one of a household filled with children -- sister Lee, two step-siblings and two much-younger half-siblings.

3) They gave their husbands a touch of class. The Todds of Kentucky lived in a 14-room mansion in Lexington -- a far cry from the log cabin Abraham Lincoln made famous. The Bouviers were first listed in the Social Register in the 19th century, whereas the Kennedy family was rejected by Boston Brahmin culture.

4) Mary and Jackie were fluent in French. While both Abe and JFK were gifted communicators, they both struggled with foreign tongues.

5) Each woman had lost a child before entering the White House. Eddie Lincoln died before his fourth birthday in 1850. Arabella Kennedy was stillborn in 1956.

6) Each woman lost a child as First Lady. Willie Lincoln actually died in The White House when he was 11. Patrick Kennedy never came home from the hospital; he lived for only two days in Summer, 1963.

7) They both set out to beautify the White House. Mary was roundly criticized for spending too much on curtains, furniture and rugs while the country was at war. Jackie's efforts met with greater success because her goal was to restore "The Peoples' House," plus she financed any overages by selling White House souvenir books, not with taxpayer money.

8) Jackie and Mary cured their blues with retail therapy. Neither JFK nor Abe cared for this coping mechanism.

9) Both women were with their husbands when they were shot. Each was eventually buried beside him.

10) As widows, they both abandoned Washington, DC. Mary returned to Illinois, living in Chicago and Batavia (where she was institutionalized for a time) before dying in her sister's home in Springfield, the town where she enjoyed the greatest happiness with her husband. She was 63. Jackie's primary residence, even during the years she was married to Greek shipping magnate Aristotle Onassis, was in New York. She died in her apartment at 1040 Park Avenue in 1994 at age 64.

Considering these women, I am amazed again by JBKO's remarkable fortitude. (Somehow "balls" doesn't seem appropriate when describing a First Lady.) For example, both women were banished from their husband's deathbeds. Mary was crowded out of the tiny bedroom in the private home across the street from Ford's Theater when her husband's Secretary of War shouted, "Get that woman out of here!" Mary allowed herself to be relegated to the parlor while men attended her husband as he moved from life to history. Everyone in that room knew Lincoln was beyond saving. Why did they have to treat poor Mary so cruelly?

In Dallas, the staff at Parkland Hospital treated the most famous patient they would ever have as a homicide victim. With concerns about evidence, protocol was strictly observed, which meant no non-essential personnel in the trauma room. Once it was obvious the President was dying, a priest was summoned. Hearing this, Jackie got off the folding chair where she was waiting for news and attempted to enter Trauma Room One. Nurse Doris Nelson refused her entrance, offering her a sedative instead. The very determined First Lady assured Nurse Nolan, "I'm going to be with him when he dies" and tried to physically shove the nurse aside. The attending physician came over and told Nurse Nelson to bend the rules this once, saying, "It's her right."

Obviously life handed each woman more than her share of adversity. I believe it was an exceptionally steely spine and resolve that makes Jackie seem like a triumphant survivor while Mary is a tragic victim.

The Queen's Meme

The Green Meme

How green are you?

1. Do you recycle? Yes, I'm a good little recycler. Paper in one bag. Plastic, glass and aluminum in another.

2. Have you ever hung clothes on a line instead of using the clothes dryer? Does draping them over the shower rod count?

3. Do you walk or bike to work to save energy? I don't own a car, so I get high points here.

4. Do you use a water filter for your tap water or do you buy bottled water? I chug good old tap water all day.

5. How many trees do you kill each year buying new books? OK, I get low marks here. But I love my books. I don't consider keeping a library as bad as printing out memos I don't real need hard copies of.

6. Have you ever considered recycling your cellphone? Considered? Yes. Followed through? (Lowers head in shame.) No.

7. All you need are a few simple non-toxic ingredients like baking soda, vinegar, lemon, and soap to clean your home. Are you willing to throw away the bottled chemicals? Anyone who knows what a lazy housekeeper I am knows how willing I am to never touch a cleanser again!

Reveal the greenness of your soul. Click here!

Movie Monday

This week's movie topic is all about Weight...

Share on your blog movies featuring those who want to lose or need to gain extra pounds, linking back here for others to see.

Death Becomes Her. Fat Goldie loses Bruce Willis to willowy but bitchy Meryl Streep, and loses a ton to get him back. (Yes, that really is Goldie Hawn. I swear!)

The Mirror Has Two Faces. Babs works out like a demon to look hot for hubby Jeff Bridges, though to be honest, I didn't feel she looked especially pudgy before all that time at the gym. (Maybe she added muscle tone.)

Bridget Jones' Diary. Oh, how she agonized about her weight! It made her so easy for me to relate to!

Two unexpected expenses

Oh, goodie. Found out this weekend that my eyes have gotten worse over the last year. So instead of spending $100 this month for replacement contact lenses, I am spending more than $600 on new glasses and a new set of lenses. I economized this year over last year -- this year's glasses cost the same as last year's, even though I added photogray lenses, because I stayed "on the wall" and rejected the saleslady's entreaties to select a pair of more expensive frames "from the case."

Then the air purifier tower in my bedroom started grumbling and rumbling. Even with a clean filter, the noise continued. So I know it's just the motor has worn out. No surprise, really, since of the two towers I bought a couple years ago, it's the one nearest the cat's commode (and I have three cats and two boxes) so it's been working extra-hard for more than two years. I comparison shopped and ordered another one from Overstock because it was cheaper in both sticker price and shipping cost than Amazon. I paid with Paypal so that I could use the money I raised by selling books on eBay toward the new appliance.

Both the glasses and the air purifier are important for my health and I want to economize, but not scrimp. Still, I'm not happy that I spent more than $700 on stuff I didn't really budget for and certainly didn't enjoy this weekend.

Oh, well ... sometimes it sucks to be a grown up!

Tuckered out

I don't recall how we got onto the subject last night, but my mother was talking about how great anti-depressants are. I don't necessarily disagree, having been on them for just over three years myself. But my mother was rhapsodizing how much better they work than talk therapy. "I'm one of those people who puts my past behind me."

One: I don't intend to be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life, the way my mother is. This is a result of menopause. When it's safe for me to cast them aside, I shall.

Two: She knows how long I've been in therapy, and how important it is/has been to me. I think she feels I blame her, because the thought of my therapy makes her defensive. It leaves me weary.

Three: My mom has said some really crappy things to me over the last six-eight months. I have chalked it up to her still dealing with stuff ... especially her anger at her sister-in-law, my Aunt Jo. My aunt wants to have a closer relationship with me, and my mother sees red whenever she hears my aunt's name (even though they haven't spent time together since the Clinton Administration). If she, like Charlie Sheen, is able to cure herself with her mind and just put her past behind her, then why is she so pissy?

I confronted her about #3 Saturday night. I told her I'm not trying to change her, that I love her as she is, but that she really does have to be haunted by the people and things from her past because they do color her present. That her anger overrides her compassion and common sense and she blurts things that hurt my feelings.

She said she was sorry, that she didn't realize I was "so sensitive," that when certain subjects come up she doesn't even include me "in the equation," and that from now on she will be more careful. She reiterated that she does love me, and I reminded her that I love her and sometimes still need a mommy. Hurtful things bother me more when they come from her because she's supposed to love me, she's supposed to have my back.

I am glad we cleared the air, I hope she is, too, but it's left me tired, tired, tired.

Sunday Stealing

Sunday Stealing: The Burnt Toast Meme

Cheers to all of us thieves!

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? "Good morning, Beaker."

2. How much cash do you have on you? Approximately $40

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR? Pour

4. Favorite planet? Uranus. Tee hee. I said "anus."

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? The cab company dispatcher calling to tell me my cab had arrived. I didn't pick up, seeing as I was in the cab already.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? An instrumental version of "And I Love Her."

7. What shirt are you wearing? It says, "Celebrate the South."

8. Do you label yourself? I try not to.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing? I'm barefoot.

10. Bright or Dark Room? Bright

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? Most likely charming and wise, since only the best people play Sunday Stealing.

12. What does your watch look like? I have several. The one today has a light brown leather band, a plain white face and big black numerals.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? I don't remember exactly. Either reading or paying bills.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? From last Sunday, it was about the Oscars.

15. Where is your nearest 7-11? An el stop away.

16. What's a word that you say a lot? "Really?" It's seeped into my vocabulary through Seth Meyers. (Sorry about the crappy audio.)

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: Medicate

1. Do you take a lot of medication? More and more as time goes by. When I was a kid, it was just an OTC Flintstones vitamin a day. Now I've got three prescriptions I take every day.

2. Name one of your flaws and tell us about it. I can be very impatient with people. I want what I want and I want it NOW!

3. Have you ever won first place? If yes, tell us about your victory! Long ago movie critic Gene Siskel had a trivia contest in the Chicago Tribune. Yours truly won $500.

4. Who is the last person to make you smile? What was happening? A coworker wished me luck on Monday morning's big client presentation.

5. Describe a time when you should have tried harder. This past week, I fell off the diet bandwagon with a thud. I was stupid and lazy. I purchased and practically inhaled some Fannie Mays without much thought or even enjoyment. Picking up the candy was an old habit I should have tried harder to break.

6. What are you best at? I am a very good friend.

7. If someone was going to make a movie or TV show about your life, who would play you and why? Carrie Fisher. We're the same height and age, we share a sensibility, and now, as we're in our 50s, a weight problem.

8. Name 3 things that you think are strange. Charlie Sheen, the birther movement and the Gyro-Bowl.

9. What is one lesson you have learned in the past 12 months? The Beatles were right all along: "Pride can hurt you, too."

Oh, where do I begin?

There is a major institute of higher learning just outside of Chicago. Like many schools, it has classes on, and a department that studies, human sexuality. After class, 100 of the 600 students enrolled in class stayed after for a not-mandatory, completely voluntary discussion with a pair of self-described Kinky People (or KPs). The conversation turned to bondage and female sexuality. the KPs insists that it can be efficient and gratifying for women, and they hope they could remove the stigma that bondage is painful, violent or unpleasant.

IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE, YOU MAY WISH TO QUIT READING NOW.

At this point, the male KP laid out a towel as the female KP undressed. She laid down on the towel. The male KP took out a phallus attached to a fast-moving power tool and used it on the female KP. The female KP was quite pleased with this demonstration, which she hoped would prove that sex toys often considered outside the main stream can be fun for women.

While none of the students complained, and no one has implied that either of the KPs were there under duress, someone tipped off the press. The story has been all over the newspapers. The KPs have been photographed (clothed, thank God) and giving interviews.

WHY AM I SHARING THIS WITH YOU?

Mr. KP works at my agency! On a major account -- though, blessedly, not the one I work on. Naturally it's an account with headquarters right here so our clients likely have seen the coverage of Mr. KP's "class work." It wasn't that long ago (2/08) that my agency received tons of unwanted media attention because one of our executives took a header out of a high-rise window into Friday rush hour traffic. Now this. Isn't the Recession enough? Do we need this, too?

It's one thing for the KPs to have participated in this demonstration. The college is internationally recognized and they may have truly believed they were helping people better understand human sexuality. Fair enough. I'm not going to judge them for that.

BUT GIVING INTERVIEWS? Really, people? The college was more than willing to keep the KPs identity secret. But no, they came forward. What were they thinking?

I have been alternately laughing and shaking my head about this all day.

Oh well, at least it's taken my mind off Charlie Sheen.

I went over again this week

I have exceeded my Monday through Friday calorie limit already, and I still have one day to go. Observing my food diary I see two glaring problems -- I have had only two, 30-minute workouts this week and that hasn't burned up enough calories, certainly not enough to make up for all the chocolate I consumed Tuesday.

Bad Gal! It's not worth it, it's really not. And I must remember that.

I like them

I'm nearly halfway through The Lincolns by Daniel Mark Epstein. He has just been nominated for President. I'm almost tempted to stop reading now because I'm enjoying this book so much, have grown so fond of this couple, that I hate what I know is about to happen to them: War, the loss of another child, the death of Mary's family members on the Confederate battlefield, and, inexorably, his murder. As if that's not bad enough, Mary's widowhood includes bankruptcy, madness and the death of a third son. So much loss is almost impossible to consider, but not confronting it won't stop it all from happening to these two. (I feel this way when I read about Princess Diana, like if I put the book away before she goes to Paris, I can somehow undo what happened next.)

I'm including these photos with this post, rather than the book cover, because they were Mary Lincoln's favorites, taken, she was fond of saying, "when we were young and so desperately in love."

I get it now

I happened to come upon an article about "emotional affairs," defined as when a man and a woman who are otherwise engaged become romantically involved without sex. This story was told from the wife's point of view. She talked about how her husband's non-sexual attentions to "the other woman" kept him from being with her completely, and how betrayed she felt when she thought of him confiding things about their marriage, and their life together, to this interloper.

The advice she was given? Insist that her husband sever ties with the other woman completely. No more phone calls, gifts or emails. Yes, it would be painful for her husband, but he must tell his platonic lover that his marriage is the most important thing in his life.

Gulp.

It got me thinking about my relationship with my best friend, and all the hiccoughs and fits and starts it's suffered over the past year or so. This has caused me a great deal of pain. This friendship means so much to me. I have come to depend on his counsel and look forward to sharing gossip and jokes and hopes and dreams. I find it comforting that many of the very qualities that others find most wearying about me, he seems to value … or even treasure.

I never thought about how our closeness must have felt to the one who was excluded -- his wife.

I have met her and reached out to her. She was not interested in my friendship. I thought it was because she was snobbish, or insecure, or messed up. I still feel that way. But I never considered how much pain accompanies snobbishness, insecurity and messiness.

I thought about all that I know about her -- the pain caused by her parents' divorce, the abortion when she was a senior in high school, the sense of betrayal she felt when she learned of how her father cheated on both the mother she loves and the stepmother she idolizes ... All of these things came up gradually, as he was sharing how hard he was trying to make his marriage to this complicated woman work. It never occurred to me how much she may resent how much I know about her.

When I confide my secrets to him, I always know in the back of my mind that he may share them with his wife. That doesn't stop me. I trust that, if he chose to tell his wife my secrets, he would do so with compassion and sensitivity.

The thing of it is, this was my choice. She didn't get a choice. He and I just began dissecting her over drinks one night and it's continued for years.

No wonder she hates me.

Then I thought of the conundrum my best friend has been presented with. What to do with me? I know he loves me, trusts me, enjoys me. It must be awful to consider severing our relationship -- especially since he's the one who cultivated it at first and he knows we have never been physically inappropriate and I have never done anything wrong. Not only would he miss me, he would have to deal with the guilt of causing me pain.

What a mess! How could anything that was born out of love and generosity cause so much pain to everyone involved?

So I get it now. The reason why we no longer talk on the phone every time he gets into the car -- whether he's off to choose an anniversary card for his wife or picking one of his daughters up from ballet -- is that he can't and shouldn't. His marriage is his primary relationship. He and his wife are both children of divorce and are committed to giving their girls a better childhood than either of them enjoyed. I appreciate, support and admire that. (A photo of him swing dancing with his youngest at the school Daddy-Daughter Valentine's Dance hammered this home.)

I also treasure that he still takes the time to be available to me every day, Monday through Friday, just as he did when we worked together all those years ago. He encourages me and comforts me. Now that I understand the tightrope he's walking, our friendship means even more to me.

I get it now. It would have been nice if he could have articulated all this to me himself. For a man so comfortable explaining his feelings about so many, many things, he's been very awkward about this. But who among us is perfect? The important this is: I get it now.

I told him that last week. I told him how the "a-ha" washed over me. Without going into the detail that would leave him feeling embarrassed and/or compromised, I told him I understood why we don't chat anymore and that it's OK -- "if you could, you would, but you can't, so you won't." And I reminded him of the quote from Let's Take the Walk Home that epitomizes our relationship: "We are the lattice that makes room for the rose."

This made him very happy. Making him happy makes me happy. So now I hope that all three of us live happily ever after.

I Want Wednesday

I want 3:30 to get here already! I have a meeting -- an internal creative presentation. Once that's done, we can get started on the next step, which is preparing for our trip down to show the client on Monday.

She's the top

My niece is not only in the top 10% of her graduating class, she's in the top 10% of the state in terms of her SATs (or was it her ACTs?). Aside from education being important for its own sake, this means she gets money for college. YEA!

The only snag is that the money has to be used at a school in Illinois. Of the three colleges she has her sites set on:

• One is state-of-the-art and nationally respected, but very expensive and in Denver
• The second also has a great reputation and is right here in Chicago
• The third if OK, affordable, and in Muskegon

So the second one would seem like the obvious choice, right? Especially now that she's getting money. Well, not so fast. She's so eager to get away from home that she's leaning toward the third choice.

I'd like to see her get the most marketable degree she can afford, and that would be the college here in the city. But I'm staying out of it. OK, I'm trying to stay out of it ... but it's hard.

But the important -- and very happy -- takeaway is that my niece is one of Illinois' top scholars!

10 on Tuesday

Ten Completely Batshit Things Charlie Sheen Has Said Lately

It's unfortunate that he's unraveling before our eyes. It's even more unfortunate that I find myself unable to look away. I mean, I know he's ill, perhaps bipolar, and likely in a great deal of psychic pain. But unlike repellent Mel Gibson, Charlie manages to be colorful and imaginative. Oh yeah, and completely batshit.

1) "I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond I cured myself."

2) "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen."

3) "I don't have burnout in my gearbox."

4) "There's a new sheriff in town, and he has an army of assassins."

5) "Funny how 'sleep' rhymes with 'sheep.'"

6) "I'm a veteran of the unspeakable."

7) "I am special and I will never be one of you."

8) "Touch my children and I will eat your hands off your arms."

9) "Borrow my brain for, like, 5 seconds and you'll be like, 'Dude, I can't handle it.'"

10) "I'm rolling out magic, bro."

And, because no mere list of 10 can contain Charlie ...

11) "I have a 10,000 year old brain and the boogers of a 7 year old."

The Queen's Meme

1. When is the last time you returned a library book? Around Halloween. It was called Happy Times, and it was overdue.

2. Is there anyone you'd like to see return to your life? My grandpa. He died when I was in high school, just as I was learning what a wise, interesting man he was in his own right -- as opposed to just being the loving grandpa who laughed at every one of my jokes, kept the supply of cookies coming and gave great hugs.

3. Have you finished your income tax return? Yes. And I'm expecting my refund to be direct deposited into my checking account on or before 3/11. (Not that I'm too eager or anything.)

4. Do you ever return things to the store for refund, credit or exchange? Have you had a bad experience with customer service over this issue? Tell us your story. Yes. No. The only place I've had consistently had trouble with customer service is at the US Postal Service and they don't take returns.

5. You would like to see your favorite movie named The Return of Katie and Hubbell.

6. Is there something you're still waiting to be returned to you? My youthful energy level.

7. You are in a canyon. On the other side stands your beloved. You stand and shout something to him/her making a large echo. What do you want to hear in return? "As you wish." (Highly romantic Princess Bride reference.)

8. If you could turn back and go in the reverse direction in your life, making things better for yourself and those you love, how would your journey begin? "If I could turn back time, if I could find a way, I'd take back those things that hurt you and you'd stay ..." Yes, it kinda corny. But it's enduring because don't we all have things we would love to take to back?

Avoid the dungeon! Participate in The Queen's Meme by clicking here.

Through the eyes of a child

As part of his class' observation of President's Day, my 11-year-old nephew had to give an oral report on a President. He chose Bill Clinton. I was fascinated to hear about #42 through his eyes.

• He was born Bill Blythe

• His father died in a car accident before Bill was born

• He and his mother lived with his grandparents in Hope, AR

• They moved to Hot Springs when she got a better job in a bigger hospital

• His mother married a man named Roger Clinton who adopted Bill

• He played saxophone in the high school band

• He admired President Kennedy and memorized Dr. Martin Luther King's "I Had a Dream" speech

• He went to Yale and Oxford, and these are very good colleges

• He met his wife Hillary at college

• He was Attorney General and Governor in AR

• When he was President, there was a low crime rate and peace between England and Ireland

• His daughter Chelsea brought a cat, Socks, to the White House

• She found Socks when he was a kitten, living under a bush near her piano teacher's house

• Socks wrote books and is the first cat to have his own video game

• At first Socks didn't like Buddy, the President's dog

• He was impeached and acquitted

• He is one of the most popular former Presidents

• He had heart trouble and is now a vegan

• Socks died of cancer recently

My nephew got an A-. He lost points not for content but because he didn't look at the audience as he spoke about Bill Clinton.

Movie Monday

This week's movie topic is all about Memorable Oscar Moments... Share on your blog memorable moments that stood out for you, linking back here for others to see.

As a Katharine Hepburn fan and Oscar junkie, I'd like to include a photo from that night in 1982 when she accepted her fourth Best Actress Award, a feat most likely never to be duplicated. But I can't because The Great Kate didn't do awards ceremonies, saying they gave her "dyspepsia." So instead I'll post a photo of her On Golden Pond costar's victory that night. Henry Fonda was unable to attend because of fragile health, so daughter Jane accepted on his behalf. Instead of going to after-awards parties, Jane (still in couture) delivered the Oscar to its wheel-chair bound owner. Because of the movie's subject matter, because she produced it for her dad, and because of their publicly tempestuous father-daughter relationship, I found this enormously touching.

C'mon, aren't these two just the cutest damn Oscar winners you've ever seen? Oscar night, 1998, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck accept the award for best original screenplay for Good Will Hunting. I fell a little in love with both of them that night (I mean, as dates, they brought their moms!), and over the years they have given me no reason to reassess my crush.

Sunday Stealing

Sunday Stealing: The Seven Deadly Sins Meme

Cheers to all of us thieves!

1 - Pride. Seven great things about yourself.
I am the proud possessor of:
a cute nose
green eyes
lightening fast fingers upon the keyboard
a flexible writing style
almost unlimited patience with kids and critters
enduring optimism
a healthy sense of humor

2 - Envy. Seven things you lack and covet.
A waist
Long, straight hair
The ability to carry a tune
Natural grace
Self discipline
A poker face
Long, slender fingers

3 - Wrath. Seven things that piss you off.
Bullies
Litter bugs
People who think Glen Beck makes sense, and insist on sharing his "wisdom"
"Space hogs" who take up the locker room bench with their iPods, gym bags & water bottles
Parents who don't keep a vigilant eye on their kids
Adults who don't keep track of civic/political matters (It's part of being a grown up, folks!)
Anyone refers to a woman as, "Dude"

4 - Sloth. Seven things you neglect to do.
Launder the curtains in my bedroom (they were originally white, honest!)
Keep up with the paperwork here at home
Get to work on time
Dust
Make a list before I go grocery shopping
Work out as often as I should
Put my shoes away (I can see 6 pairs from here)

5 - Greed. Seven worldly material desires.

Money
Exposed brick walls
Shiny, hardwood floors
A real Marc Jacobs bag (not a knock off)
Tivo
iPad
A big yard so I could have more pets

6 - Gluttony. Seven guilty pleasures.

Following the Casey Anthony case
People's Court with Judge Marilyn Milian
Valley of the Dolls
70's pop
McDonald's
Catsup
Pogo

7 - Lust. Seven love secrets.

Oh, please. I have the sex life of a nun. And not by choice!

I'm Lovin' It!

Since tomorrow is the Oscars, the cable channels are presenting some of the great award grabbers. Right now I'm luxuriating in All About Eve. Nominated for 13 Oscars, winner of 6, and a movie that not only gave us a very young Marilyn Monroe but Bette Davis spouting this great line of dialog, "Fasten your seatbelts! It's going to be a bumpy night."

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: Monday, Monday

1. How does your day usually go on Monday? Once I get up and get my mind around the fact that it is indeed Monday morning, it's OK.

2. Who was the last band you saw live? The E Street Band. BROOOOOOCE!

3. When was the last time you purchased something over $50? Last Sunday I took my friend Kathy out to celebrate her birthday.

4. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Nope.

5. Do you wish you were someplace else right now? Nope.

6. Tell us about the last wedding that you attended. My former boss/theater buddy Barb's wedding. She was so happy, and the wedding was such a perfect reflection of her and her groom, that I forgot how much I hate weddings. I was like the Grinch, and my small heart grew three sizes that day.

7. What's annoying you right now? How messy my condo is.

8. What is your best skill/ability? Why? I can wiggle my ear. Because it cracks children up.

9. If someone asked a friend of yours, "Hey, what is one thing your friend is exceptional at?", what would they say about you? Why? My friend Kathleen once called me "an exceptional friend." I am very proud of that.

Austerity update

Earlier this month I whined and complained about financial straights that I have gotten myself into. I was undoubtedly more honest about it here than I have been with the people I come to face-to-face with in my real life. That, combined with the supportive responses from Kwiz, Snarkela, Vivian and Silver Neurotic helped me get a grip on my self made mess and start improving my situation.

So I have begun bringing my lunch to work and questioning every expense. Instead of just donating a couple of new books I have sold them on eBay, which won't buy me a house in the country but it does help me stay on budget. I have even (gasp!) cooked at home! And tomorrow, instead of renting the Oscar-nominated Winter's Bone so I can see it before the awards Sunday, I will attend the free showing at the local public library. If I find extra in my wallet, I do not look at it as "found money" to have fun with but instead do something useful with it -- like adding it to my CTA pass.

The result is that I have stayed on budget for each week and been able to add a little to my household "slush" fund (the money I turn to if a smaller unexpected expense turns up -- like a super-sized bill for snow removal at my mom's or a gift for a baby shower at the office). While using the money responsibly doesn't necessarily give me the quick high of a new purse, it does pay off in serenity over the long term.

Thank you, ladies, for the perspective and the inspiration!

Uh-oh!

This week I'm going over my Monday-Friday calorie allotment. Looking over my food intake, I realize the problem isn't the Girl Scout cookies (150 calories for 4) nor the Starbuck's hot chocolate (tall, skim, no whip -- 290 calories). It was giving in to laziness and going to Taco Bell and McDonald's rather than going with something more nutritious. 900 to 930 calories for a junk food lunch is just too much!

Oh well, I'm learning and adapting and will change my behavior. That's the important thing.

"Thanks, dear. Love you!"

Talked to my oldest friend in real-time, as opposed to swapping emails, on Thursday. The news about her health is mixed (OK, it's bad; she's not healing as expected and could be looking at another month off). But she sounded good, which she laughingly attributed to Percocet but I suspect is because her prodigal son is visiting to help out as she recovers.

She also very graciously expressed her gratitude for the help I've given her since her move -- including recommending a laundry service and a website that will arrange for Fat Burgers to be delivered directly to her door. (Yes, I know the finer things in life.) She expressed an interest in spending a week here in Chitown this summer and my return visit to see her in Los Angeles this December. And she ended the call, "Thanks, dear. Love you!"

So yes, her life is saturated with drama and yes, much of it has been unnecessary. And yes, she often allows herself to get caught up in it. But she is also tender and loyal. Even if these good qualities sometimes get overwhelmed by the stuff in her life, I must remind myself that they are always still in there somewhere ... to be appreciated and treasured.

That's what friendship is, after all, isn't it?