Disturbing

I had a nightmare the other night that has stayed with me.

In the dream, I reunited with a former lover, a man I was crazy about back in the day. Even though he was politically conservative, I respected his intellect and trusted his heart. I don't know recall the dreamy details, but somehow we each ended up at the same ski resort, encountered one another, and picked up where we left off decades ago.

We're having a wonderful time and he checks his watch. He tells me to wait here, he has to do something, he'll be right back. He's gone longer than I expected him to be and I go looking for him. Remember, this is a hotel so there are many meeting rooms and showrooms. I open door after door, looking for him. Most of the rooms held conferences, with men in collared shirts giving power point presentations.

But the room where I found him was a small one, and what I found him doing was horrifying. He saw me see him and he pushed me into the hall. A moment later, back in street clothes, he told me that it wasn't what I thought it was. That's all I remember.

I know it was only a dream. I have no reason to believe that at heart he isn't still the same good Catholic boy I knew. Wherever he is, I hope he's happy.

Dreams are about symbols, so what is my lover symbolizing? My guess is that this nightmare was my subconscious' way of processing Trump. I can't believe that 40% of GOP primary voters are actually voting for the man. It's frightening, and feels far more dangerous to our way of life than ISIS. I have always believed that what we do to one another in this country is worse than what it is done to us. We pull together after we're attacked by outsiders and after 9/11, after Pearl Harbor we came back stronger. We let insiders like Trump and George Wallace pull us apart and damage our national fabric. 

Reemergence

Just in time for Easter, I'm a bit like this bunny. It finally feels safe to peer out of the hole I was in and tentatively sniff the air. I'm re-entering the world and taking charge of my life again.

Wednesday was not a good day for me, gastronomically. I had Chinese food and that might not have been the wisest choice. But other than that, things have improved in the bathroom. I was so sick for so long that it's easy to be fooled into settling for this. I have to remember that I'm still not well, and the responsible thing to do would be to discuss my ongoing tummy issues with the specialist next month.

While I'm still depressed about not being able to finish my long-planned bathroom renovation, I'm determined not to let it ruin my outlook. I mean, this is my home. I live here. I spend an enormous amount of time in my living room, and it's hideous. Messy. Cluttered. Walls are gouged and dirty. Sofa is a wreck.

I already ordered a new, custom made sofa -- which I spent more on than I would have, had I known the expensive special assessment coming. That's galling, I admit. But the upside is that it will be exactly what I want. So why not make this the centerpiece of the room? Why not sort through everything, organize much and dispose of a lot? Having the walls repaired and repainted will cost a lot less than the bathroom remodel. I've got a table of framed photographs that I can have made into a collage to hang on the fresh walls.

It will take energy to do this. I still crash every night after work. I've been sick for so long, it's really had an impact on my quality of life. But I'm starting to work out again -- at least twice a week, which I will increase to 3x in April.

There's no denying that the first quarter of 2016 has sucked. But that means 75% of the year is still waiting to roll out before me. While there's much I can't control, there's a lot I can. And so I will. I will get out, get up, get better.