And now for a little culture

Did you know there was more to me than baseball, the Beatles and lurid crime programs? Well there is! And here are my recommendations, my reviews of the best of the best …

THE PIRATE QUEEN. Elaborately staged and always entertaining, The Pirate Queen is premiering here in Chicago. Because it's the pre-Broadway engagement, we knew going into it that the show was going to need a little work. And it does; it's too, too long and the male lead is a little blah. But the story -- of Grace O'Malley, the wife, mother and pirate queen who clashed with Queen Elizabeth in long ago Ireland -- is compelling, the sets are sumptuous, and the Pirate Queen herself is terrific. Stephanie J. Block is all passion and spirit and pipes. And she's the voice of Barbie on the TV commercials! So I got to see Barbie herself, live and in person!

THE DEPARTED. Gruesome and great. I'm not a big Scorsese fan, but this is the best film I've seen in a long, long time. Jack Nicholson is a goofy cartoon of evil, but it's the same over-the-top performance audiences (not including me) have been loving for decades. Leonardo Di Caprio draws us in with a diffident, pained, charismatic performance. For me, the real revelation was Matt Damon. Good Will Hunting is sure as hell not very good here. The dichotomy between that angelic face and his depraved action creates a fascinating tension. Mark Wahlberg isn't pictured on the poster, but he's great in this, too.

Look! It's Kate McArdle!

Except for a Today Show interview regarding the tragic death of her son, I haven't seen Susan Saint James in ages. I loved her on Kate & Allie and I'm happy to see her tonight, on the USA Network's Law & Order: SVU marathon. She plays a defense attorney and she looks great, though startlingly blonde.

The subject matter of the show is, as always on SVU, tough. But there's something amusing about this episode, for it's a reunion of old sitcom stars.

Look, there's Angela Bauer from Who's the Boss! Judith Light is on the bench for this episode.

Look, there's the mayor and the gay guy from Spin City! Barry Bostwick and Michael Boatman are co-counsel.

But I've got a new purse

• Baseball is over until next year.
• I photograph badly.
• Because I have a fat, ruddy face.
• I'm a complete pudge, yet I ate an entire Whitman sampler on the bus home.
• I hate my job.
• I'll never have sex again.
• My sisters are both useless blobs of protoplasm.
• 100 Iraqi civilians die every day in sectarian violence.

But lookee, lookee, lookee! I've got a new purse. A sweet, camel-colored hobo (much lighter than the brown one shown here). ON SALE!

Between the new bag and the chocolate, I may just be OK after all.

Don't blame Greg ...

Blame me. As I was racing back home with beer to enjoy with last night's Dodgers-Mets game, it occured to me: He's not going to be able to do it tonight. Somehow I just knew. I'm in a hopeless place right now when nothing seems right. So since I wanted so badly to see him do well, post-season and in front of a nationwide audience, it just stood to reason that he would blow it.

So when Greg Maddux unravelled in the first inning it was my fault, not his. I jinxed him by my very existance.

But look at his numbers! Take that disastrous first inning out of the mix and he did a creditable job. He doesn't look at it that way, of course. The Professor is talking about retiring.

Of course I want him to come back. Just look at all he accomplished this year! He performed admirably in Cubbie blue, far better than his stats show. The mature veteran who was supposed to be our fourth starter became our second starter when neither Prior nor Wood could come back. We had no bullpen, so he stayed in games much longer than he wished to. And he still delivered for us as well as any pitcher but Zambrano.

He was rejuvenated by (leaving me and) moving to LA, racking up yet another season of 15 or more wins. Take the 334 career wins out of the mix, because that's for Cooperstown and I'm thinking about 2007 here. He had 15 wins this year and, kids, it pains me to say it but he managed to accomplish this with a Cub team that simply could not support him.

So I hope he will spend the winter working on his hand/eye coordination (playing golf) and perhaps losing a few pounds (that's just because I find him more attractive with a little less in his "center of gravity") and refreshing his spirit. And I hope he will rejoin Nomar in Dodger blue next year.

And if he does choose to hang it up, well, thanks for all of it, Greg Maddux. It's been a joy.