Friday, March 25, 2011

He was gorgeous

I'm watching a golden oldie, Destry Rides Again, starring James Stewart. I am surprised anew by how sexy he was. For some reason, my first thoughts of him are always the silly, stammering old man I saw on talk shows when I was a kid. But in his prime he was lithe, graceful, smart and sensual. Remember that lovely scene in It's a Wonderful Life when George and Mary are sharing the phone, listening to the "Hee-Haw" guy from New York? Watch him respond to the smell of her hair, to her body next to his, and you can see him falling in love. Yes, James Stewart was sexy back in the day.


I am now officially on vacation. I have been looking forward to this trip for months. These past few days at work have been productive. I have stayed within my self-imposed limits -- with both money and calories. I have even finally gotten closure on the issue with the IRS and learned they will be sending me a check! So why am I feeling so ... vulnerable? Why have I suddenly been having macabre fantasies centering around my own violent demise? Yes, my thoughts have been running to all the horrible things that could happen to me in Colonial Williamsburg.

Fortunately I had a good therapy session last night. And, while I'm still burdened by the diffidence, at least I know the cause, and that helps. A lot.

So many people around me are in pain, both physical and emotional. My oldest friend and her turbulent children ... my friends John, Kathleen and Ed ... even my shrink herself. I have been wondering why I have been spared ... and worried that my luck will soon run out.

I get angry at myself for being too judgmental about those I love and fear I'll be punished for it. I get frustrated and furious with situations I can't fix. I'm terrified of air travel. These are familiar topics for her and me: my need to control and "fix things," my reluctance to simply accept myself and others the way we are, and that sadness is the downside of caring so deeply for others.

So now I know. And now I can chill out and wait for it to past. And know that come tomorrow, or maybe Sunday, I'll be in fine form to leave for my vacation on Monday morning.

Now this makes me happy!