Sunday, September 23, 2012

I must remember this

I like Yom Kippur. Atonement and repentance. As a Christian, I know I don't observe it the way my Jewish friends do (for example, I prayed about it this morning for less than an hour instead of a formal observation beginning Tuesday night). But while I regularly ask God to "forgive me my trespasses," it's important to recognize my shortcomings, own them, and forgive myself, too. Just as I must use my power of love and forgiveness to let others off the hook. (This doesn't mean letting them back in my life, it means letting go of the anger and blame.) This prayer also has an even greater impact as I consider my family in my new, post-Mom world.

I'm posting the Litany of Atonement so I can revisit it.

For remaining silent when a single voice would have made a difference, we forgive ourselves and each other other; we begin again in love.
For each time that our fears have made us rigid and inaccessible, we forgive ourselves and each other; we begin again in love.
For each time that we have struck out in anger without just cause, we forgive ourselves and each other; we begin again in love.

For each time that our greed has blinded us to the needs of others, we forgive ourselves and each other; we begin again in love.

For the selfishness which sets us apart and alone, we forgive ourselves and each other; we begin again in love.

For those and for so many acts both evident and subtle which have fueled the illusion of separateness, we forgive ourselves and each other; we begin again in love.

Ambien and Xanax

I'm doing OK. I return to work tomorrow for the first time in a week and a half (3 days with the flu, 5 days of bereavement). I think it's time. I have to stop thinking about what my mother left us legally/financially and start facing forward again.

But mornings are the worst. If I sleep through the night -- which I'm doing thanks to the sleep meds -- then I wake up with my heart beating out of my chest because it's all still true. My mom is still dead. I still have to get through the estate stuff. So I take a Xanax.

It's not like my life was that hot before all this happened. I don't know what the future holds for me at work. My best friend is still struggling with his new jobless status. My oldest friend is still beleaguered by her troubled children. I'm still fat.
BUT this is my favorite weather. The heat is over. My cat Charlotte is OK. And my mom is no longer scared or suffering. That's a comfort.

My doctor thinks a week or two more of Ambien and Xanax is quite typical and will help me fake it till I can make it.

Sunday Stealing

Sunday Stealing: The Sparkling Beach Meme, Part 1

1. Ever been given or received an engagement ring? Yesterday I just received my recently deceased mother's engagement/wedding ring set. I don't know what I'm going to do with them. My older sister is being so hideous that I'm considering having our mother's rings appraised and then just hand them to my sister … provided that she just leave me alone about the money, the money, the money. It's wearying. She was my mother, not an investment.
2. Longest relationship? Too long. He wasn't a very nice man.
3. Last gift you received? Flowers from my oldest friend. They made me so happy!

4. Ever dropped a mobile phone? No.
5. When's the last time you worked out? August. I'm not happy about this. I think I would feel better and sleep better if I could get back to the health club.
6. Thing(s) you spend a lot of money on? Streisand and Springsteen tickets. Bruce was just after Labor Day. Babs is in October.
7. Last food you ate? Post Great Grains

8. First thing you notice about the opposite sex? Hair.
9. One favorite song? Ba-de-ya!

10. Where do you live? Chicago. The best city in the world.

11. High school attended: Yes. I hated it.
12. Cell phone provider: Working Assets
13. Favorite shop: The Body Shop
14. Longest job: I have been with this agency since 2004!
15. Do you own a smart phone? Why? No. My little phone works just fine for now.
16. Do you prank call people? No.
17. Last wedding you attended? My friend Barb's.

18. First friend you'd call if you won the lottery: My oldest friend.

19. Last time you saw your best friend(s) Christmas 2011.
20. Favorite fast food Restaurant: Five Guys