Tuesday, December 02, 2008

An idea stolen from Kwizgiver

10 things I'd like say to 10 different people right now:

10) You don't fool anyone when you try to conceal your boredom by yawning through your nose.

9) I love you, but let's face it, we annoy each other. I want to enjoy my vacation without tension. That's why I'm staying in a hotel instead of in your guestroom.

8) Hello, Geek Squad? I don't care what it costs, just please come over and hook up my new DVD player. It feels like it's taunting me.

7) Please don't say, "through no fault of my own" anymore. Some of your problems actually are your fault.

6) Here's the message I really wanted to write on your Christmas card: "You poor thing! You had the worst 2008 of anyone, anywhere, so 2009 just has to be better."

5) Yes, I've gained weight.

4) You're the last one I think of at night and the first one I think of each morning.

3) That's OK. I don't mind not being able to sit down in front of my locker. It's far more important that your water bottle and iPod be comfortable.

2) Sometimes I'm glad I'm old and am no longer expected to be hip.

1) I'm scared. Can I have a hug?

To compare your answers to Kwizgiver's, click here.

It worked for me

Zicam. Specifically the rapid-melt lozenges. The cold that left me feeling so achey and stuffy on Sunday is virtually gone on Tuesday.

On celebrity worship

Behold my beloved future Hall of Famer, Greg Maddux. I adore him.
I have followed his career for more than two decades. I have memorized his stats. He has won more Gold Gloves at his position than any other pitcher in MLB history. He has more than 300 wins and 3000 strike outs (I was privileged to be there on that rainy night for #3000). He wears a Mickey Mouse watch when he pitches because his little girl gave it to him. He has a celebrity golf tournament each year to raise money for The Greg and Kathy Maddux Foundation, which helps children and families in distress. I have also heard many a less publicized tale of him donating signed baseballs and his (very good) comp baseball tickets to raffles, etc. (I have not heard these stories from the Maddux camp, but instead from charities that have benefited and recommended that if you have a good cause that ties to kids, you should contact him.)

He is supposedly ready to retire. Detractors have said that he has played too long, gotten out of shape, and even that he has "a pear-shaped ass like a fat grandma." I am so besotted that I even find his Pillsbury Doughboy physique a positive, for it tells me that unlike Cheater McCheaty Pants Clemens, Greg Maddux has never used steroids.

In short, I am near blind with looooooooooove.

That would be "near blind." I know he is not perfect. There is a You Tube video of him spending entirely too much time "adjusting himself" in the dugout on a day he wasn't playing. (No link. You naughty readers have to go look it up yourself.) I know he he didn't realize he was on camera but he did know he was in public. He has a remarkably vulgar sense of humor for a man of 40+ and has been known to find it funny to fart in front of reporters and pee on other players in the shower. He's nicknamed "the Professor" for his encyclopedic knowledge of the hitters he has faced, not for his ability to compare and contrast the diplomatic styles of Madeline Albright and Condoleeza Rice.

So what is my point here?

Yes, I have one, and it's this: By the time we reach middle age, we should be able to admit that celebrities we adore are just that -- celebrities we adore. Fantasy figures. People that are imbued with talents we admire.

It doesn't mean they are perfect. We should be able to accept that.

There's an online debate raging about a pop singer who may or may not have behaved badly last week on a morning news/talk show. I am alternately amused and disgusted by the response of his fans. "He would NEVER do that." That would mean that the parents of seriously ill children are spreading rumors about him, which I find hard to believe. I'm sure that with all they are dealing with, they have better things to do, so they must have been deeply offended by his behavior.

Or, "If he did, he had reasons." Now this singer is over 60 and does not appear in HSM. In fact, his fanbase is more familiar with HRT than HSM. His fans should be able to admit to themselves that he is capable of being rude, or taking his bad moods out on others, of being a shit on occasion, just like the rest of us.

I'm not using his name, nor the name of the charity and the kids he dissed, because I don't want his fans Googling the incident and then flocking here and asking me, HOW DARE YOU?

But I wonder -- when people suspend reality to this degree and defend someone they don't know, will never know, and who has most likely done something indefensible, what does this mean? Are their lives empty? What are they compensating for? When does one cross the line? Is when you stop worshipping, say, a future Hall of Famer and think you know him? Is this a new phenomenon among middle-aged/old women? Or has it been going on since women wept over the death of Rudolph Valentino?

My nephew's trip to the doctor

My 9-year-old nephew spent Monday morning consulting a pediatric neurologist, who examined him and his MRI and proclaimed that his headaches are migraines. This is a relief, since I have both migraines and an active imagination and was terrifying myself with visions of much more serious maladies.

The trick from here on out is to convince him to pop a pill, no matter where he is, at the first sign of headache pain. For my little nephew is at heart a man of action who waits until the very last moment to interrupt whatever he's doing to pee. It's going to be hard for him to stop his fun to look for a water fountain and swallow a pill.

I'm grateful that we have a final diagnosis on the headaches and that it is, all things considered, a positive one. I'm also grateful that he had no idea how bad it could be -- his biggest concern about spending the morning with a neurologist was whether it would cause him to miss art class. As he gravely said to me recently as he presented with a magnet he painted himself, he loves his art.