Friday, July 21, 2017

"Everybody must get stoned ..."

So today, I was under Fentanyl and it made me stupid. Really stupid.

While I was still sober and completely cognizant, I was admitted by a young man I found officious, literal, and insensitive to my panic. I firmly believe that a certain level of sensitivity is integral to that job, and he was lacking.

When I awoke in recovery, the tech who'd attended me during the procedure was the first one to speak to me. She was very sweet and cheerful, telling me to relax and stay still and sip the apple juice she brought. A bit later, the young man who admitted me came to check on me. I remembered instantly how much I disliked him.

"Can you get up?" he asked.

"I don't know. 'Spose so," I replied, sipping my apple juice. I thought my reply was the funniest fucking thing ever, especially after I saw the confused look on his face. "OH? Are you asking me to TRY to get up?"

Oh, Gal! Noel Coward had nothing on you!

Then I was sure I'd lost my house keys. I checked my purse. The little locker where I'd stored my clothes. I gave my name and phone number to the hospital's lost and found. I looked under Kathy's car in the parking lot and then under the seat in her car.

I used the spare key I have hidden in THE SECRET PLACE and got into my apartment. Then I called a locksmith to get a spare key for my mailbox. The locksmith took pity on me and promised to be over here "first thing in the morning."

Then I found my key ring. In my pocket.

Who would've thought?

Turns out LaLiz and I have something in common after all: Hemorrhoids.

Really. Up until I read the report on my colonoscopy, I didn't believe that the creature shown here and I had anything in common. Yet in the wonderful book, Furious Love, recurring hemorrhoids bedeviled her mightily. I find this oddly comforting.

Other results from today's procedure:

•  Diverticulosis, without perforation or bleeding.
•  Random biopsies, taken from colon, will determine if colitis is the lingering result of last year's c diff.
•  NOTHING that indicated malignancy.

While the prep* was terrible, the procedure itself went well. I just have to eat more veggies, move more and drink more water. Losing weight would be good, too.

Kathy was awesome today. She isn't always, but today she was. She went above and beyond. Sitting with me while I waited in my hospital gown, prone on the gurney, waiting to be rolled in. Then she was there when I was done, with my paperwork and a Paul at 75 magazine as my reward for being such a good patient.

I think this was an example of what Elizabeth Edwards tried to teach me in her book, Saving Graces. Sometimes I need to allow myself to lean on people. By revealing myself as not the always strong one, I help strengthen our relationship.

*Though not as bad as the prep was last time I had a colonoscopy, in 2009. Who knows? Perhaps in 10 years, when I'm due for another colonoscopy, it'll be even a bit better yet.