First of all, thank you. Part 1 (below) was a long-ass post and I didn't think anyone would read my never-ending musings. But you did, and your comments were thoughtful. I am as grateful as I am surprised. You helped me feel better about scratching Reg off the list.
Country Dew mentioned my oldest friend and yes, she always seems to be in financial need. That's because she is dealing – badly – with bipolar disorder. She is, by choice, no longer seeing her therapist and has once again become a festival of fantasies and bad decisions. Since October 22, she has 1) been so upset with her housemates and landlord/lover that she fled first to a crisis clinic and then to a motel to reconnoiter; 2) pronounced that she and her landlord/lover are "happier together than apart" and decided she's in no longer in a hurry to find new living arrangements; 3) declared him the cruelest narcissist she's ever met and had escape to her daughter's for a few days; 4) complained that her daughter's boyfriend/roommate is an unbearable "he-man" so she can't stay there anymore; 5) is considering returning to Chicago with her older son – even though he lives in Philadelphia, and has no job, resources or ties to Chicago, and also goes through long stretches where he is incommunicado because he doesn't feel he can handle having his mother in his life; 6) prioritized writing Beatle fan fiction about romance with George Harrison over getting healthcare, a new place to live, or finding a new shrink. All of this within exactly 20 days. It's exhausting! I realize it's even more exhausting to be her than to watch her, so I'm not unsympathetic. But all she has to do is pick up the phone and schedule another appointment with Bertha, the shrink she fired. She was better, more focused, with Bertha. I have offered many times to pay for her sessions, but she thinks she knows best how to spend her time and money. I could give some of the money to her, but I'm afraid she'd just use it for a date night with her landlord/lover or perhaps that box set of Barry Manilow DVDs.
So that still leaves me with $945. Just sitting there. I don't have to spend it now. My friends don't know about this money, so no one has asked for it. I could spend all of it or none of it, leaving it to sit there continuing to earn interest.
But that's not what I'm going to do.
Every year, Target has a promotion: Save 10% on their gift cards. It usually runs right after Thanksgiving, presumably to maintain the Black Friday momentum.
I'm going to spend a portion of my Friend Fund on a gift card for Joanna.
Why Target? There's a location near her home. She can use the gift card for everything from Pennzoil motor oil to La Roche Posey moisturizer. She could add canned goods to her pantry or pick up presents for those on her gift list.
Why Joanna? First of all, she's always broke. Now 71, she still works full time but cannot get ahead. About 10 years ago, she quit her job to become an independent consultant/entrepreneur, and it hasn't worked out. At our age, and in this age of AI, she has found getting another corporate marketing job nearly impossible.
But unlike Reg and my oldest friend, Joanna holds herself responsible for herself. She keeps trying. She recently added a new client to her portfolio: an alderman running for re-election. She's never delved into politics before but she did it and helped him win. Of course, after November 3 he didn't need her anymore, so that income stream predictably dried up. Now she's back to working the phones, trying to get incremental projects from her existing clients and making new contacts. Again, at 71 this isn't easy.
When we had lunch together last month, we discussed cognitive decline. (Yes, suddenly, that's what my friends and I talk about.) I told her about a disturbing moment I experienced back over Memorial Day weekend 2015. I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and, instead of transferring money from the bank where I keep my savings to the bank where I have my checking account, I did it the other way. I accidentally emptied out my checking account, so I had no cash. It was only for the weekend, I still had my credit cards, so I wasn't in any danger or even real discomfort. But I felt so vulnerable!
Joanna said, "I feel that every month." I asked her if she meant because of the finances or the absent-mindedness. "Both." I was surprised. My most sophisticated friend feels insecure every month! I hugged her.
Also, unlike Reg and unfortunately, my oldest friend, Joanna is nice to me. Reg often lashed out, embarrassing me and hurting my feelings. I hung on because he controlled access to Henry, and Henry was everything to me. Also, I understood that Reg was overwhelmed and suffering. But he never apologized or changed his behavior. Similarly, my oldest friend ping pongs between depending on me for emotional support to completely ignoring me. Our relationship in no way resembles a real friendship. But Joanna is thoughtful. When we got together for her birthday last month, she had a little something for me: a classic movie-themed magnet. She was also already planning festivities for my birthday. She knows how hard that day is for me without Henry and John, and she has proactively jumped in to fill the void and make sure I feel joyful and remembered.
I'm not the only one she's good to. Her adored Sid, the man who completely charmed her and always made her laugh, survived his recent battle with cancer but the side effect of chemo was devastating: he no longer remembers he and Joanna were lovers. All those memories were erased. He thinks she's just a nice-enough lady who calls every day and comes by a couple nights a week. Despite her heartbreak, she still calls, still has dinner with him. Sid is rather offhand with her, but his daughter understands what this costs Joanna emotionally and has thanked her regularly.*
So in a few weeks, I'll send her a Target gift card. I think $200 seems about right. Big enough to make her holidays more doable but not so large she'll feel indebted or embarrassed. (I'll be sure to mention the gift card promo to enhance her comfort factor.) Also, I'll still have money left if my oldest friend has a credible need for it.
Writing these posts has helped me work this through. I feel better going into the holidays, peaceful with this decision.
*I hope Sid's daughter remembers Joanna's kindness when he dies. He's a wealthy man. Joanna would never say this, but I insist on keeping my fingers crossed.
Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash
