I ache

PLEASE NOTE: Thank you, ladies (and, maybe, Andy) for the kind words on this post. It alwasy helps to feel understood, especially when I've lost the one person who really "got" me.


I severed ties with my best friend at 6:00 PM on Friday. At that point it had been 7 1/2 weeks since we last spoke ... when he told me that his wife had deemed our five-year-old friendship "inappropriate" because he shared more with me than he did with her.

During that time I sent him no fewer than 50 emails, assuring him that as long as he wanted me to give him room to figure out with her what "an appropriate" friendship looked like, I'd be happy to. But he never answered a one. Sure, some were of a personal nature, but those were about my life, not his. Most of them asked how his Christmas had been, if he and the family had any ski plans, how his job was, a picture of Scott Brown naked, you know, superficial stuff. Just to maintain contact.

He didn't answer any of them. It's humiliating and painful.

"Pride can hurt you, too," both my shrink and The Beatles warn me. My shrink told me that it might not always be this silent between us. That if his wife really put her foot down, she may be checking his voicemail and emails. After all, he works from home and doesn't have a ton of privacy.

So maybe, sometime down the road, I may hear from him again.

I know how serious his problems at home are. I understand that he has two little girls to consider in this. I appreciate that both he and his wife are the children of divorce and are, consequently, conflict-averse in their marriage. I know that he believes in that saying, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

I also know I have done nothing wrong and it makes me angry. I mean, THIS ISN'T FAIR! We've never even kissed, much less made love. How come my feelings get blown up like just so much collateral damage?

I am worried about him because this isn't him. He could talk until all hours of the night about real things. He was so worried about me in November, 2004, after John Kerry lost the election and a year of my volunteer work and many of my ideals went down the drain. He's the one who gave me so much support and real-life advice when I had problems with my job, my self esteem, my family. (Especially my niece and my uncle.)

And now he's gone. I am facing the world without him for the first time in 5 years. And I ache.

I worry, too, because he is facing the world without me for the first time in 5 years, too. While he might not realize it yet, he's lost his best friend, too.

Over the weekend it wasn't so bad. But today has sucked. I just want to go home and get drunk, but that's stupid. I think I'll go work out. Then I'll go home and get drunk.