I Want Wednesday

I want the IRS to be satisfied with the amended return I am about to mail.

10 on Tuesday -- About Robert the Demon Doll

The tale of one of Key West's most famous (infamous?) residents:

1) In the late 1890s, Thomas Otto hired a woman to care for his young son, Gene. This nanny was quite familiar with voodoo. His nanny gave Gene a doll that he named Robert. This doll became Gene's imaginary friend ... and then some. His nanny told him that Robert was special, magic, that Robert could do all the things Gene wanted to, but couldn't.

2) Gene believed his nanny. Throughout his youth, whenever he got busted doing something naughty, Gene would say simply, "Robert did it." His parents got tired of this and took Robert away, tucking him away in the attic.

3) Decades later, after his parents died and Gene inherited the house, he rediscovered Robert. Even though Gene was now an adult, he and Robert picked up where they left off. Allowances were often made for Gene's "artistic temperament" (meaning he was a wealthy nut), but even his wife found Gene's fixation with Robert unsettling.

4) Mrs. Otto insisted her husband leave Robert at home when they went out, and Gene responded by constructing a special room for his beloved friend. Everything was scaled to Robert's 3' size. Gene maintained that Robert liked to sit by a window, watching the world go by.

5) This is when neighborhood children began reporting strange happenings. Robert and his chair would move, unaided, from one side of the window to the other. Or the drapes would move so Robert could glare more directly at any kid who dared mock him.

6) Unfortunately rumors also abounded about Mrs. Otto's abuse at her husband's hand. Legend has it that when asked about it, Gene acknowledged that his wife and his imaginary friend were indeed rivals, and that frequently Robert lashed out. But Gene claimed of the abuse and battery, "Robert did it!"

7) Socially isolated because of her husband's loony behavior, Mrs. Otto didn't feel a great affinity for Key West. In the 1970s, shortly after her husband's death, she left, abandoning Robert in the house. The new owner took Robert out of his specially appointed room and gave him to the family's little girl, who had the temerity to treat him like a mere "toy."

8) Robert was displeased and lashed out. The girl was plagued with nightmares. As the story goes, she would awaken and report that she dreamed she was being tortured, saying, "Robert did it!"

9) Today Robert resides in a Key West museum, safely behind glass. He's still in his special chair, still wearing his favorite sailor suit and clutching his own plush toy, a lion. He's surrounded by tons of fan mail from children and adults who maintain they have experienced his powers. For example, a pair of tourists rode their mopeds to see him. The husband mocked Robert, calling him ugly and dismissing his legend. On the way back to their hotel, the man blew out a tire while his wife's bike was fine. Others maintain that if Robert is in a bad mood, he doesn't allow photos to be taken and cameras will malfunction in the museum all day. Whenever anything happens with no logical explanation, the popular refrain is "Robert did it!"

10) Robert's celebrity continues to grow. Even President George W. Bush sent a note of recognition on Robert's 100th birthday. (Though you can see from the letter that the 43rd President doesn't seem aware Robert is a demon doll.)

John Seward Johnson II

A nephew of the rich and famous Johnson & Johnson's you see in your supermarket, John Seward Johnson II is a sculptor whose work appears around Key West. He not only did Marilyn, he's responsible for every figure in this photograph. First there's "Daydream," in which he recreates the Matisse dancing nudes. And there's the lad preparing to toss a frisbee, oblvious to all the feminine flesh over his shoulder. And finally there's the amateur painter, recreating Johnson's recreation. Called "Copyright Infringement," it's Johnson's way of answering critics who say that's all he does.

It was very hard to get this shot. Many boys, young men and not-so-young men are not as nonchalant around the naked ladies as Seward's sculpture, and I had to wait a long time for several of them to have their photos taken groping the metal boobs and buttocks.

Bored with my vacation yet?

"The bar on the top floor has never gone out of style"

I loved my hotel, La Concha. Took these from the rooftop bar, where I sipped a margarita, listened to a troubadour with a guitar (who even sang "Up on the Roof") and wandered around, taking it all in. I got a different view from each railing.

New Year's Day at the pier

Enjoyed a pina colada and a chilled lobster sandwich and good conversation as we watched the world go by.

This is how to see a movie

On New Year's Day we went to see The King's Speech at Key West's Tropic Cinema. It's a wonderful movie, like All the President's Men in that you're involved and anxious about the events, even though you already know the outcome.

It's a fantastic theater, too. Each movie on each of the four screens is of high quality. The walls are decorated with breathtaking old Hollywood portraits by George Hurrell. In addition to popcorn and soda pop, the concession stand sells red and white wine. And, of course, there's Marilyn to greet you out front. Since there's no subway in Key West, that's a faux grate her stilletos are teetering upon. I love that level of detail.

Key West 2010 -- Souvenirs

A review of this year's vacation in the realm of retail.

Magnets for everyone! I picked up seven magnets, not unlike this one depicting the Southernmost spot in the United States, for my coworkers.

My niece. Since she lives for her summer job at that family-owned beach resort in Wisconsin, I bought her something to help her anticipate it: a sign she can hang on her bedroom door when she leaves that says, "Gone to the Beach."

My nephew. A Key West cap, of course. He loves caps. And a tiny turtle made of shells, because he loves turtles, too.

My mom. A pair of eccentric Christmas tree ornaments -- Robert the Demon Doll (more on him later) and a flamingo preparing to don her bikini in a changing booth. Clearly my mom's Christmas tree is like no other!

And for me. I bought myself a trio of cute junk jewelry necklaces and this DVD, a tribute to the day Margaritaville met Wrigley Field.

Movie Monday

Movies are always giving us characters who undergo some sort of change during the story's arc. These changes aren't always for the better - that's what makes them so compelling. Here are a few characters we came up with who made a distinct change during their time on screen. Share characters from film who have transformed, linking back here at The Bumbles.

Solitary Man. If you get to see this on DVD or cable, you're in for a treat. Michael Douglas plays a successful car salesman who gets bad news about his health that really rocks his world. He decides to fight growing older by reverting and becoming fantastically immature. He pays for it dearly, but not in ways you expect. And Douglas is so good in this that he breaks your heart rather than makes you dislike him.

The Mirror Has Two Faces. Streisand accepts Jeff Bridges' proposal of marriage -- but a marriage that will be strictly intellectual and platonic, with no irrational romance to complicate their bond. She falls in love with him anyway, and longs for a more complete relationship, meaning one that includes physical lovemaking. So while he's away on a lecture tour, she works hard on turning herself into a romantic ideal. New hair, new clothes, new body. Naturally, when he comes home, Bridges finds himself surprised to have the hots for his own wife.

Sunday Stealing

Sunday Stealing: The Over the Edge Meme

1. What curse word do you use the most? Probably a tie between "fuck" and "shit."

2. Do you own an iPod? Yes, indeed.

3. Do you still remember the first person you kissed? Yes, indeed.

4. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? Take it.

5. Has anyone ever called you lazy? Just everyone who knows me.

6. Has anyone told you a secret this week? No.

7. What is the first thing you notice about the someone that you are attracted to? Usually his hair.

8. What are you looking forward to? One last day off before I have to go back to work.

9. Do you own any band t-shirts? Springsteen and The Beatles. Pretty old school, huh?

10. When is the last time you slept on the floor? October 2009. I had the flu and slept on the bathroom floor.

11. What did you do last night? Went to see The King's Speech and then went to a Thai restaurant for crab rangoon and green tea.

12. Do you get along better with the same sex or the opposite sex? Depends on the person. I don't think it's wise to generalize that way.

13. Who was the last person to make you mad? I don't remember. Isn't that great?

14. Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours? Mark Harmon, my TV boyfriend.

15. T or F: All’s fair in love and war? True

16. What’s something you’ve always wanted? To be able to sing

17. Do you enjoy spending time with your mother? Sometimes

18. Do you want a bright yellow ‘06 mustang? I'd rather have the cash

19. Where is/are your best friend(s)? At his house, most likely making sure his daughters completed their homework

20. Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake? Lake. It's a fresh water vs. salt water thing.

Farewell

It's 2011, and Kodachrome has been discontinued.

A Fine Time

The first day of 2011, also my last full day in Key West, was a fun one. Lunch by the sea, enjoying margaritas and the sunset on the rooftop, a good movie (The King's Speech) at a beautiful, old-fashioned movie palace, and a late dinner of Thai food. When I get back home, I'll post all manner of tales and photos.

When I get home ...

I'm ready. I spent ten hours with my friend today and that's too long. I miss my cats, I miss my home, I miss my alone time.

He's been nothing but delightful and gracious. It's not him, it's me. I have lived alone too long.

I just wish I could get home without flying.

Saturday 9 -- From my hotel room

Completing this meme in bed, on a laptop, because it makes me feel borderline productive as I try to really get started this first full day of 2011, and this last full day of my Key West vacation.

Saturday 9: Do Ya

1. Do ya love New Year's Eve? What did you do? (Or if you arrived here early, what are your plans?) I don't love New Year's Eve because it's one of those events that never lives up to expectations. But I did have a nice time last night. Big dinner here at the hotel, wandering around the rooftop bar so we could enjoy a view of the entire island, and singing along with an eclectic and upbeat (if not overwhelmingly talented) little jazz-pop quartet at a wine bar.

2. What’s something nice you did for someone else this year? I worked hard at being supportive once my oldest friend made the decision to move to Los Angeles. I helped her pack, lent her the money for the security deposit on her new apartment, and flew out to spend her birthday with her.

3. Who do you wish could find their inner spirit to become more comfortable in their life? The aforementioned oldest friend. I suspect that she hasn't improved her life by relocating, she just moved her problems 2000 miles to the west. I do hope I'm wrong.

4. What’s the best thing to inherit other than money? Good genes! As I age, I realize how big a role heredity plays in health.

5. How many members of your family not living with you did you see on Christmas Day? None. My mom, sister and brother-in-law, niece and nephew celebrated on Christmas Eve.

6. When spending time with family, how long after you arrive do you begin to feel "antsy" about being there too long? It comes and goes in waves.

7. Is your family more likely to have pleasant discussions or heated arguments during a big meal? Do you join in or quietly listen in? Neither. My sister is very good at sending out subtle jabs that just leave me feeling hurt and/or uncomfortable.

8. Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas? What one thing that you didn’t get would you like to have received? I still believe I need Bert the Farting Hippo, just like the one Abby hugs whenever she feel vulnerable on NCIS.

9. What’s one area of your life you really improved this year? My pets' health. We have an established vet we can count on, and that is good news.

It's going too fast

Love my hotel. It's just up the street from Margaritaville, where we had dinner last night. Being a local, my friend endured it with good grace. But being both a tourist and a Jimmy Buffett fan (I don't qualify as a Parrothead, but I do know all the lyrics to "Fins"), I had a wonderful time.

The time is racing by. I am having fun. I haven't been able to reach my oldest friend on the

phone, and I'm still worrying about her. And, of course, John is still on my mind.

But Key West was one of my uncle's favorite places, and in a way, that makes being down here more special and joyous.

It took combined efforts

To paraphrase the Lads, I got by with a little help from my best friend (who uses his "dad voice" at times like this to reassure me), Xanax, and a distractingly blabby seatmate named Debbie who has only lived in Key West for three months and was interested to learn about Fausto's, which is a much cooler grocery store than Safeway.

Flying is still difficult. But I do it. And, according to my shrink, that's the important thing. I don't let the fear interfere with my plans.

Got tons of bad news yesterday, just when I was least equipped to hear it, about my oldest friend and my friend, John. More on that later.

Right now, I'm just gonna relax and enjoy being on such a friendly and pretty island. I can see the dock where the cruise ships depart from my hotel room!

I Want Wednesday

I want today's travel to go smoothly. GAWD! I HATE FLYING!

New photos!

At least, new to me.

The b&w photo of the most glam couple ever is from November 1956. The color shot is of Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis toward the end of her life, but before illness took its toll, as she walks through Central Park in the late 1980s or early 1990s.

I love discovering new photos of her. I keep hoping I'll see something that unlocks the secret of the sphinx. In that way, my most enduring heroine is the opposite of my newer one -- Elizabeth Edwards. Whereas Elizabeth inspired by sharing how she faced and handled the unendurable, JBKO fascinates because she just did it.

But I wanted indigo!

Endomental got indigo! Oh well, jade is pretty, too. And the analysis is very complimentary, isn't it?

Your Life's Path is Jade

You seek connection and security. You want nothing else more than to love and be loved. You believe that gratitude and appreciation are the key to a happy life. You try to thank everyone who ever helps you. You are generous and compassionate. You have deep resources and a lot to give. You are intelligent and love to learn. Some may say you're even addicted to learning new things.

What Color is Your Life's Path?

10 on Tuesday -- Instead of Blogging

Here are 10 ways I SHOULD be using my time today.

1) Trying on clothes. I have to figure out what I'm wearing on New Year's Eve in Key West, but since I feel -- and, well, AM -- fat, it doesn't seem like too much fun.

2) Packing. I leave tomorrow, you know.

3) Calling Delta Airlines. They're only giving me 45 minutes between flights when I return through Atlanta, and it doesn't seem like enough. Yet something tells me they won't be happy to talk to me today.

4) Sorting books. I promised myself I would make one more run to Goodwill for 2010, and there is still time today (if I take the bus).

5) Making lunch. Please note I said "making lunch," not "ordering lunch." There is food in the kitchen, after all.

6) Recharing. Phone. iPod. Camera.

7) Taking out the recycling. Yes, there's snow out there. But it's not reasonable to wait until April to use the back door.

8) Decide what to do with my Christmas presents, currently by the front door.

9) Vacuuming whatever floor is visible, between the gifts and recycling.

10) Switching purses. Of course, first I'll have to decide what clothes I'm taking with me tomorrow ...

"I've never been so scared in my life. But at least I have a husband!"

Yes, I'm watching Airplane! again. And it's still as funny as ever. I realize this may not be the most productive way to spend a day off, but I don't care.

I'll get there fast and then I'll take it slow

One of the first non-holiday songs to come through my shower radio, and it put me in the mood for my Key West getaway later this week.

I'd like to thank whoever is in charge of weather for making it clear and in the 70s down there all this week. Just what the doctor ordered!

But what was the point?

While I recognize that John Wayne is an iconic movie star, I've never been a big fan. Like Bogart, Wayne is more star than actor, and like Bogie, Wayne's screen persona generally leaves me cold. And as with Bogart and Casablanca and The African Queen, there is the rare John Wayne performance that captivated me: his Oscar-winning turn in True Grit.

"Fill yer hands, you sonovabitch!"

Jeff Bridges is more actor than movie star. There's no "typical" Jeff Bridges performance, no screen persona he inhabits. Small town bad boy in The Last Picture Show, injured but still ethical football player in Against All Odds, remorseless killer in Jagged Edge, and, of course, Bad Blake in Crazy Heart, Jeff Bridges has disappeared into his characters and captured my imagination in role after role for the last 40 years.

But this time, he suffers in comparison to John Wayne. Matt Damon is so good as LeBeuf, miles better than Glen Campbell in the original. And Hailee Steinfeld as Maddie is a delight because she is a real girl, not a twenty-something playing a girl, the way Kim Darby did in the original. I kept wishing Damon and Steinfeld could have been in the original True Grit with the real Rooster Cogburn.

So if you enjoyed the original True Grit as much as I did, skip the remake.

Yea! There IS a Sunday Stealing this week!

Sunday Stealing: The Quick 2010 Fandom Meme

Cheers to all of us thieves!

1. Your main fandom of the year: Same as every year ... my Chicago Cubs

2. Your favorite Film this year: Never Let Me Go. If at all possible, see this thought-provoking little movie.

3. Your favorite Book read this year: Let's Take the Long Way Home by Gail Caldwell. A story of friendship, loss, and dogs.

4. Your favorite Album or Song this year: Streisand. Here's to Love. The girl's still got it!

5. Your favorite meme site of the year: Sunday Stealing. Duh.

6. Your Fandom that you haven't tried Yet, but want to: Maybe I should jump on the Chicago Bears bandwagon ...

7. Your best new Fandom Discovery of the Year: Pandora.com. I loooove that site!

8. Your biggest Fandom Disappointment of the Year: Jennifer Aniston. I'm still Team Jen, but it would help if she made a good movie for a change!

9. Your TV Boyfriend of the year: Leroy Jethro Gibbs of NCIS

10. Your TV Girlfriend of the year: Mika Brzezkinski of MSNBC's Morning Joe

11. Your most Missed Old Fandom: Law & Order

12. Your Biggest Anticipations of the New Year: Rumors that Sir Paul will grace Chicagoland with his presence. (Please, my liege ...)

13. Your favorite post (of yours) of the year: Damn! I talk soooo much! Impossible to choose. I did enjoy completing the 30 Days of Honesty Challenge, though.

14.Your favorite new blog (to you) of the year: Nothing springs to mind

15.Your favorite new website of the year: Another shout-out for Pandora.com

16. Your favorite news story of the year: The repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell -- and the fact that Illinois' newly-minted Republican Senator, Mark Kirk, broke with his party to support it. Isn't it great when people turn out better than we think they will?

17. Your favorite actor of the year: Michael Douglas. I enjoyed him in both Wall Street 2 and, especially, Solitary Man. I hope he gets well and stays well.

18. Your favorite drama TV show of the year: NCIS

19. Your favorite comedy TV Show this year: That stellar Comedy Central hour of The Daily Show and Stephen Colbert

20. Your favorite cartoon of the year: Sorry, I don't have one.

Holidailies -- Day 26

What was your favorite gift to give? Kirby Canvas Curse. This Nintendo game came out in 2005, which made it a little hard to find. But my nephew really wanted it, and I was glad I could come through (thank you, eBay). Even though it meant that for part of the night, all I saw was the part of his hair as he bent over the game, thumbs flying furiously. That's the sign of a successful gift!

Diva as Scrooge

From the final concert in A Diva's Christmas Carol, starring Vanessa Williams as pop star "Ebony Scrooge." Enjoy!

The joy of Christmas

During last night's service we heard the story of a missionary in Africa who received a beautiful seashell as a gift from a student. He had walked a long way -- to the coast of Africa to get the special shell for his teacher.

"You've traveled so far to bring me such a wonderful present," the missionary teacher told him.

""Oh, teacher," the boy replied, "long walk part of gift!"

I must remember this -- today and all year.

Holidailies -- Day 25

My new favorite Christmas carol. Last night, during the candlelight service, we sang "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing," and though I have probably heard and sung this a thousand times over the years, last night it really touched me.

Peace on earth and mercy mild; God and sinner, reconciled

This has been my first Christmas without my uncle. Because of the toll his illness took, our last meaningful contact was a phone call last Christmas Eve.

Being in church, singing those words, helped heal my heart. For there would never be any peace on earth for my uncle, not any more. Ending his life was one of God's mercies, and now He and my uncle are "reconciled" -- together in peace, now and for all eternity.

This was undoubtedly the Merriest Christmas my uncle has had in years.

I miss him still, of course, but I'm very glad he's at peace and at rest.

Holidailies -- Day 24

The wrapping is done! I'm looking at three bags filled with gifts, ready to be ferried over to my mom's for tonight's celebration. I feel very satisfied with myself, and am filled with anticipation, imagining my niece and nephew ripping the paper off and enjoying the presents I chose so carefully.

I'm also going to be sure to bring the O'Mara's Irish Creme, just to be safe. To borrow from Don Henley, sometimes it doesn't hurt to have "a shot of courage" nearby when my family gets together.

A little romance, anyone?

Before we saw White Christmas the other night, my friend Barb told me about she celebrated her husband's 56th birthday.

She took him to New York for the weekend. They have traveled there before and while he was excited to see The Big Apple decorated for Christmas, he kept tweaking Barb that his birthday present was really an opportunity for her to shop.

That's what she wanted him to think.

For near the very narrow, overcrowded vintage shop she always visits in New York, the one filled to the brim with handbags and accessories, the one her husband cannot stand being in, is a music store specializing in Fenders. It's in the music store he finds escape as she searches for her dream one-of-a-kind bag or belt, and it's the music store's website he now frequently visits to gaze at the Stratocaster of his dreams.

So before they left, Barb called the music store and bought him the Stratocaster. She told the store owners when they'd be in and asked them to put the guitar in the window with a sign reading, "For Harold, Love Barb."

Their first afternoon in Manhattan, Barb and Harold head for that vintage shop. Harold is unexpectedly grumpy ... really resenting the boredom and claustrophobia that accompany watching his wife rummage through the handbags and costume jewelry. So she expected him to be happy when she volunteered that they bypass the boutique and check out his favorite music store first.

He stares at the guitars in the window, sighs at how expensive all the top-tier Stratocasters appear to be, and starts to turn away. He never even noticed the "For Harold ..." sign.

So Barb points it out to him.

He actually thinks it's some kind of wacky coincidence, that somewhere in New York is a Barb who also loves a Fender-loving Harold. He reluctantly goes along with allowing her to take his photo next to the sign. She showed me the photo. He looks almost pained.

Then he notices that the sign is beside his dream Stratocaster. It finally dawns on him that this may not be a coincidence after all. In the next photo, he's inside the shop, posing proudly with his new axe.

A newly 56 year old, bald accountant, looking like a kid again, thrilled as can be with his dream red Stratocaster, ca. 1965.

Feel free to say, "aw ...."

I love Old Bodger

When I was a little girl, as a family we went to see the original Incredible Journey at a drive in. Ever since I have wanted a bull terrier like old Bodger.

Some feel their egg-shaped heads and triangular eyes are ugly. I think their faces have an extra dimension, making them look kinda silly and sweet. A cousin to the pit bull, they're gentler and easier to train, but still very loyal and protective of their owners.

I love my cats very much, but I still hope that some day my living situation will allow me to have a bull terrier, like Bodger.

Mary Peeples, You Rock!

Last night, my friend Barb and I went to see White Christmas at the Bank of America (nee LaSalle Bank, nee Shubert) Theater. For the most part, it ... well ... sucked. But two things redeemed the performance for me:

1) It snowed indoors during the finale! Real wet, white snow, not soapflakes or confetti. I can attest to this because I caught a few flakes in my palm and watched them melt. I was unabashedly thrilled.

2) Mary Peeples in the role Susan. Only 11 years old, this girl can really belt. She was completely charming with the hat and cane as she danced. She was a highlight for me, outshining castmates two, three and four times her age.

Holidailies -- Day 23

Have any holiday acts of giving brightened your Christmas this year? I played Santa in three different places this year. First I dropped off books in the Toys for Tots box.

Then I bought a winter coat and fleece vest for a girl from the village children's home. I choste her heart-shaped ornament off the tree at Whole Foods because I thought i was touching that, instead of a video game, she asked for a winter coat. I also included gloves and a necklace that said, "LOVE."

Then there was a toy drive in our office building, where I contributed a bag of toys, including the helicopter kit I bought at a sidewalk sale last June.

I admit I was suffering from the holiday blues this week. I still slip into it now and again. But then I think about the helicopter kit, the books and the LOVE necklace. Those physical manifestations of the spirit of Christmas help. Like the reformed Ebeneezer Scrooge at the end of A Christmas Carol, I find it's healing to honor Christmas in my heart.

Thanks to Snarkypants and Boliyou for their support and inspiration.

I Want Wednesday

I want Christmas to get here already!

Holidailies -- Day 22

Did you buy any holiday gifts for yourself? Yes. Over the past two months of serious Christmas shopping I purchased myself a 9 West purse (I know I said I imposed a "no purse" moratorium, but it's Christmas!), an official MLB Cubs watch (it goes with everything I own!) and this O'Mara's Irish cream gift set for just $10 (insurance to make sure Christmas Eve with my family goes well).

10 on Tuesday -- Search Engine Madness

Ten Weird Keyword Searches
that Brought Readers to My Humble Blog

Huh? What? Don't ask me to explain 'em. I just report 'em.

1) "Just shut up and be funny"

2) Jeanette s gorgeous breats

3) voka voka song

4) all men are rats and cannot be trusted

5) joey's love life

6) principal secret

7) happy to be horned

8) Big mature Gals

9) Peggy Noonan dob

and my absolute favorite ...

10) 65 aunt godmother pantie butt

Holidailies -- Day 21

Battling the holiday blues. I bet it happens to everyone -- we imbue the holiday season with so many high expectations that it's impossible to maintain that cheery, joyful high every day from Thanksgiving through New Year's Day. I've got the holiday blues today. A vague sense of dissatisfaction with the world -- free floating, non-specific, but undeniably there, nevertheless.

Some of it is financial. My niece, a very good kid, probably won't be able to get into the school of her dreams because my sister and brother-in-law won't/can't cosign for a federal loan. With the economy here in Illinois so bad, it's likely she won't get any other funds beyond the $9000 the college granted her. Nothing would make me happier than to say I'd cosign for a Sallie Mae loan except ... well, I can't and shouldn't. I haven't had a raise in years and my finances aren't as solid as they might be. Plus my mother seems to need my support more and more. And while part of me thinks my sister expects me to foot the bill for her daughter's college, the other part of me thinks she'd resent the living shit out of it. Knowing my kid sister, perhaps both are true. So I'm staying out of it. But it still leaves me sad. And I'm so sick of worrying about money!

Some of it is mourning. I still miss my uncle, and insist on remembering him as he was -- neither as wonderful and blameless as my mom needs him to be, nor as shitty as other members of the family insist he was. He was a complicated man and I loved him. This will be my first Christmas without presenting him with a special gift, and I feel a loss.

Some of it is hopelessness. I've donated my toys for tots and my canned goods for the food drives, but still, it seems there's so much want and need in this city. I wonder if my meager efforts matter at all.

Oh, and I got an embarrassing red stain on the front of my cream colored sweater.

Gee, I'm a veritable laugh riot today, aren't I?

Hope about you? Do you ever battle the holiday blues?