August Happiness Challenge -- Day 13

Today's Happiness: One cigarette. It occurs to me, now that I'm home and looking back on my long weekend with my oldest friend. that she only had one cigarette from Friday afternoon to Sunday night. Since she's overweight and had a heart attack a decade ago, I'm very glad.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 12

Sunday's Happiness: Self sufficiency. Sunday morning we woke up at the hotel by the airport where The Fest for Beatle Fans was held. Because of the time of my friend's flight (3:00), we were going to forgo any Beatle activities (even though we had tickets for Sunday) and just eat a leisurely brunch, check out and head home.

As were just sitting around gabbing, her cell rang. I went into the bathroom to give her privacy and, well, out of necessity. All of a sudden she calls out to me, "Gal! My flight's cancelled!" There was  genuine panic in her voice. I asked her why it was cancelled (was it weather related?), and she couldn't answer. She said she just quit listening and hit "save." 

She handed me her phone and I listened to the message, wrote down all the new Monday flight information and the airline's number and told her to call them and confirm. After all, she had just been telling me that it was too bad she had to go home, that she had taken Monday off anyway. And we had tickets for Sunday's Fest anyway. So while she was confirming the flight, I was calling the hotel to get our room for another night. They turned me down because they had a massive cosmetics convention coming in Sunday afternoon, but that's OK. O'Hare is either the first or second busiest airports in the world. There are no shortage of hotels on that strip. We found another one quite easily.

We checked out, boarded a free airport shuttle that counted our new hotel as one of its stops, checked in, and boarded the shuttle back for more Beatledom. 

I felt a little bad about it because I was missing my alone time, hadn't left enough food out for the cats, and really couldn't afford to spend this much money. But this long weekend in Chicago is her vacation for the whole year, she could afford it, and oh, what the hell! It was very good to see her and we had an extra day of fun.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 11

Saturday's Happiness: Good Ol' Freda. When I was a little girl, I read in magazines like 16 that, if I wanted to write to The Beatles, I should address my letter to Freda Kelly. I thought she was a made-up person. I mean, I was a first grader in Chicagoland. It never occurred to me that any real parents would name their child Freda. So I figured letters meant for Good Ol' Freda were dismissed as fan mail from those NOT in the know.

Well, on Saturday, I saw Freda! She's real! And today she's an English grandmother (about 65) who wants to make sure her kids and grandchildren know that, for 9 years, she worked for the Beatles, answering their mail from their days at the Cavern Club through the height of their fame through their breakup. George's father taught her ballroom dancing. Ringo's mother invited her for Christmas. She went to a McCartney concert in 1991, having purchased her own ticket, and was spotted by Linda who invited her backstage for a reunion with Paul. What a charming lady.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 10

Friday's Happiness: Laughter! My oldest friend returned to Chicagoland on Friday afternoon and we attended the Fest for Beatle Fans together. It's a rather silly affair, I admit, and the nerdiness was emphasized because attendees of ComicCon were staying at our hotel, too! 

But oh, it was good to see her. I haven't laughed so hard in ages! It was all (here's that word again) silly, but it was joyful, too. Our favorite moment came when going through a teen magazine from 1964. Yes, of course, the Beatles were on the cover, looking young and sooooo cute. But a violator on the cover promised: "How YOU Can Be Their Girl" accompanying photos of (are you ready?) Rock Hudson, Jim Nabors and Richard Chamberlain. 

It was nice to just laugh about inconsequential things, to reconnect to someone I've known since Kindergarten, and (for a third time) be silly.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Trifecta

This week's challenge: Using between 33 and 333 words, compose something that includes the third definition of the following word:

HOME (noun)

a : a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also :the focus of one's domestic attention <home is where the heart is>b : habitat

It’s a sunny Saturday and I’m thrilled because I’m doing what has brightened my summers ever since I was a little girl: going to a baseball game at Wrigley Field. As I enter through the turnstyle, I go from sunlight to a cool, humid, gray darkness. It smells like beer and hot dogs and salt and … history. I mean, it smells old in there. After all, it’s been the home of the Chicago Cubs for 96 seasons now. I locate the entrance to the section where my seat is. I walk up the plain cement steps and suddenly I see it.

The field itself, bathed in sunshine and blanketed in green. The grounds are green turf, the red brick walls are covered with ivy, the scoreboard is painted a flat, deep forest color.  The seats are painted same green and filled with Cub fans just like me. Oh, they may not look like me – after all, an almost dizzying array of demographics is represented – but we’re all there for the same reason: we’re here to cheer our guys and we’re hoping for a win.

As I take it all in my heart swells because I know I’m home.

2012 TCM Summer Under the Stars Blogathon: A Star Is Born

TCM will show A Star Is Born on first thing Sunday morning
 (or last thing Saturday night) at 12:30 AM EST. 

For more blogathon entries, visit http://scribehardonfilm.wordpress.com or http://sittinonabackyardfence.com

STARRING NORMAN MAINE

I will stipulate that James Mason is a star. A quick perusal of his IMDB page, as well as the lineup that represents him for 24 hours on TCM this Saturday/Sunday, is evidence.

But when I think of my favorite James Mason performances, he's playing supporting roles: Vandamm, the frustratingly opaque spy in North By Northwest … Mr. Jordan, gently handling matters of life and death in Heaven Can Wait … Ed Concannon, the unbeatable attorney (aka The Prince of Darkness) in The Verdict … the twisted enough to be murderous, but so suave you hope he's not, Philip in The Last of Shelia … and most of all, the tormented Norman Maine in A Star Is Born.

Yes, I know he's considered a co-star, but let's be frank: This movie is Judy Garland's. It's her tour de force, her comeback, a cornerstone of the faith. Her singing is mesmerizing, somehow managing to be both tremulous and strong. Her acting is completely authentic. She is fit and trim, with her famous legs on display. The triumph is hers. While she would never be this good on screen again, she's so great that perhaps there was no reason for her to top this performance.

But would her Esther have been as emotionally resonant without such a divine Norman? I don't think so. Her simple proclamation,"Hello, everybody. This is Mrs. Norman Maine" packs a wallop because we miss Norman, too. We're sorry he saw no other way for his saga to end. Compare this scene to the similar one in Streisand's remake. When Esther Hoffman takes John Norman Howard's last name as she takes the stage for the finale, we are bowled over by her power and voice, but we don't have the same aching empathy. We're not mourning Kris Kristofferson. (Word is Beyonce will play Esther/Vicki in a new version. Let's hope she gets support from an actor as warm and gifted as as James Mason!)

What do we know about Mason's Norman Maine? I mean, other than that  I'm a little in love with him.

• He's a Hollywood creation. Born Ernest Sidney Gubbins and renamed Norman Maine by the studio. He's a leading man -- an action hero as well as a matinee idol who loves the ladies offscreen, as well. Almost as much as he loves liquor. As the movie opens he's reached the peak of his career, and that means he has only one way to go.

• He's an elegant bad boy who has made both powerful friends and enemies. Studio head Oliver Niles (Charles Bickford) appreciates Norman's power as a box office draw and is charmed by him as a raconteur. Press agent Matt Libby (the terrifically toxic Jack Carson) can no longer see the talent or charisma. To Libby, Norman is nothing but broken promises and messes to clean up.

• He's insightful and eloquent. In his best scene, after seeing Esther sing with band in an after hours club, he tells her, "There are certain pleasures you get - little jabs of pleasure. When a swordfish takes the hook, or when you watch a great fighter getting ready for the kill. If you had ever seen a bullfight in your life, you'd know a great bullfighter the moment he set foot to the ring -- from the way he stood, from the way he moved -- or, or a dancer. You don't happen to know about ballet? That little bell rings inside your head, that little jab of pleasure. And that's what happened to me just now. You're a great singer!" She's transfixed by this speech, and so are we. Afterward, Esther says a bit breathlessly, "He gave me a look at myself I've never had before. He saw something in me nobody else ever did. He made me see it too. He made me believe it."

• He's hip about the ways of show biz. He wisely warns Esther to make the smart choices in her career because, "Talent isn't always enough." Watch the scene where he takes over Esther's transformation into Vicki. He tenderly, but masterfully, wipes away the garish paint slathered on by the studio makeup artist but also reapplies it, just right, because he knows how to present a performer to her best advantage.

• He's proud. Making movies defines him as an artist and as a man. He's so desperate to keep working that he embarrasses his wife and humiliates himself on the most important night of her life, by pleading simply (but in that fabulous voice), "I need a job."

•  He's weak. But he's smart enough to know it. He warns Esther about his losing battle with drink and decadence. "I destroy everything I touch. You've come too late." But, as Mason plays him, there is still so much magic, so much tenderness and love in Norman that she can't give up on him. And we don't want her to!

It's a dear performance, a multifaceted gem. No one appreciated it more than Garland herself. They never worked together again, but she spoke of him so often and so appreciatively that he was invited to deliver her eulogy.
That day at Campbell's Funeral Home, James Mason said, "Judy's greatest gift was that she could wring tears out of hearts of rock."

The same can be said of Mason's beautiful but doomed creation, Norman Maine.

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 9

Today's Happiness: My coworkers. I never saw this one coming.  I felt very bad about what happened yesterday and I guess it showed. Three different coworkers told me not to worry about it, that it wasn't my fault, to just let it go. Wow. It really helped to hear that, unsolicited.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 8

Today's Happiness: Cousin Rose. I have received two letters from her this week. She loves me very much and has always been there for me. I should treasure her more!

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Thursday Thirteen #183

THIRTEEN OTHER NEWS STORIES 

THE WEEK ELVIS DIED

Next week is the 35th anniversary of Elvis Presley's death. Here's a snapshot of what the world looked like in mid-August 1977, when he left it:

1) The King replaced The Son of Sam as everyone's #1 topic of conversation. Till then, David Berkowits' summertime reign of terror had New York and the nation riveted.

2) Jimmy Carter was President, advised by his Cabinet (including Secretary of State Cyrus Vance and Attorney General Griffin Bell)

3) Wall Street was nervous about Carter and his new SEC regulations, causing stocks to dip precipitously.

4) Judge William H. Webster was about to nominated for the head of the FBI, a position he'd hold for 9 years.

5) Dr. Carl Sagan, America's best-known scientist, graced the cover of Newsweek in a story called, "Seeking Other Worlds," which detailed his efforts to bolster support for the space program. There was no internet, no blogosphere, so the cover of a major magazine was influential.

6) My Chicago Cubs were in first place in the NL East! (We may have finished out of the money, but in mid-August, we still were at the top of the heap.) 

7) Diana Ross, sans the Supremes, graced the cover of Rolling Stone.

8) Shaun Cassidy was setting young girls' hearts aflutter in Tiger Beat. His Hardy Boys TV show had premiered as a mid-season replacement a few months earlier and he succeeded his older brother, David, as #1 teen dream

9) Olivia Newton John was on two magazine covers -- US and Ladies Home Journal -- because she was promoting her summer mega hit, Grease

10) The movie Rocky won an even greater honor than Oscar (at least among my young crowd) when it was satirized in CRACK'D
 
11) Charlie's Angels (minus Farrah) were on the cover of that week's People

12) Cosmopolitan featured an interview with Shirley MacLaine and the cover girl was a supermodel named Lena Kansbod

13) Everyone was reading about Meggie and Father Ralph in The Thorn Birds.

 

For more information about 

the Thursday Thirteen,

or to play yourself, click here.

I Want Wednesday

I want the weekend to get here! I made a math error at work and it was caught today. By the client, on their second round of legal review.* As a copywriter, I'm not really responsible for the math but I've been doing it for a long time anyway and my coworker trusted me instead of checking my work. Well, today all hell broke loose. I feel terrible.

*Don't know why it wasn't caught on the first round. That makes me feel a little better, I guess. More learned folks than me missed it.

Fake it till you make it

To see me today, you'd think I was the happiest woman in the world. I cracked wise and laughed at my officemates' jokes. Even went to lunch with one of them. Was very chatty, mostly about the wonderful old movies being shown on TCM's Summer Under the Stars.* It made the day go by faster.

I am not happy these days. The Cubs have been trading away my favorite players (less than 6 of the guys on the roster on Opening Day remain). I share an office with three (3!) other people. I'm not enjoying the work anymore and don't understand my boss. I'm worried about my best friend. The news (with all this gun violence) is unremittingly depressing. When I get home, all I do is nap.

But I refuse to feel this way forever! While unhappy about the Cub trades, I get it: we're rebuilding. While unhappy about my job, there is nothing I can do about it right now beyond keeping my options open through freelance. (Yes, the market is still that tight.) And my best friend? All I can do is love him.

So all I can do is pretend to be happy, or I guess, put myself in a happier state of mind. One of these days the happy will naturally emanate from my heart and not be forced from my head. I know it will. But for now, this is what I've got.

*I'll have two SUTS blogathon entries! One about the elegant James Mason and the other in praise of our only King, Elvis. Watch for them. They were a delight to do.

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 7

Today's Happiness: Eating like a child. I had pizza for lunch and peanut and jelly, with a side of apple sauce, for dinner.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

1992 Redux

Let me state this plainly up front, I love The Big Dog, Bill Clinton. Yes, I know what he is, but I love him anyway. I'm proud that I worked on his campaigns (twice), voted for him (twice) and believe our world is a better place for him being in it.

That said, I'm amazed by how easily people forget recent history. On Morning Joe I'm watching a learned panel that includes Jon Meacham (!), a historian and veteran newsman who certainly should know better, discuss parallels between the 1992 and 2012 Presidential elections.

They postulate that Obama, like HW Bush, doesn't believe he can lose. That he, like HW Bush, knows the economy is in recovery -- even if the public doesn't realize it yet. And that he, like HW Bush, could very well lose in the fall to an underestimated candidate.

Bill Clinton, God bless him, didn't win that election. Ross Perot stole it for him. It was Clinton 43%, Bush 37% and Perot 19%. Anyone who voted for Perot would have preferred to be covered in honey and dropped in an ant hill than vote for that Liberal pot-smoking draft-dodger.

And unless Mayor Bloomberg becomes so disgusted by all the gun violence he enters the race as a third party candidate, I predict President Obama wins in November. The incumbent simply always has his thumb on the scale.

More guns, more hate

A certain member of the House of Representatives from MN believes Congress should investigate whether Huma Abedin, a top aide to Sec. of State Clinton, has ties to the Muslim Brotherhood. Since Hillary Clinton has never seemed like a woman unsophisticated and easy to dupe or overly vulnerable to outside influence, I think it's pretty easy to see what this is about.

Gabby Douglas, one of the bright spots of our Olympics, has been attacked for her "pulled back" hair and her pink outfit. By Americans. Who watch a certain news channel. Apparently this 16 year old girl is guilty of a "kind of soft anti-American feeling" because she wanted to be pretty in pink instead of red, white and blue. This soft little anti-American is black.

There was a shooting at a Sikh Temple in Wisconsin. These people were targeted by a Neo-Nazi crazy while in their house of worship. Six are dead.

I am haunted by wondering how much of this drip, drip, drip of hate -- this labeling some of us as "other," as dangerous, as less than us -- is corroding the psyches of those who hear it. It's disturbing to wonder how many feel it's "patriotic" to "take back this country" at gunpoint because we shouldn't retreat, we should "reload."

Perhaps it's not "you are what you eat." Maybe "you are what you listen to" is more appropriate.

My heart hurts. What's happening to my country? Who are my fellow citizens?

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 6

Today's Happiness is blue skies. It was so clear, so blue. Every time I looked at it, all day, wherever I was. As I was walking to the train this morning, it highlighted the green of the trees pressing against it. Then, when I got to the office, I had a hard time tearing my eyes away from the window, where I could see the metal and steel skyscrapers reaching up into it, and the Lake's own shade of blue bumping up against it. My heart felt a little fuller, every time I looked up today.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I don't know why she was mad at me

I'm hooked on DropWords, a descendant of Boggle that I play on my Kindle Fire. This evening, on my el ride home, once again I indulged in a game.

The little boy who sat next to me was looking intently into my face. Nothing subtle about it. So I smiled at him. He asked me if he could play my game.

Now he was about 4 and couldn't spell. I asked him what letter his name began with and he answered with "D" and we tried to build words that included "D." Then he asked if I had any other games. I had just begun to load Angry Bird for him when his mother got up, grabbed him by the hand and dragged him to the door, even though their stop wasn't for a few minutes. Mom never made eye contact with me. She never spoke to her son.

I was being very patient with her little boy. He initiated contact. I didn't ask him name (just his first initial). I never told him my name. I never touched him. I don't know why she was so upset with me.

I also don't know why she didn't interact more with her son. It's probably easy for me to judge -- after all, I'm not a mom myself and I don't know how exhausting a lad like him can be. But his interest in my game showed an interest in letters and, by extension, words that I hope she encourages.

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 5

Today's happiness is alone time.  I didn't do a thing today that will sound interesting to anyone else: I wrote, flipped back and forth between the Cub game and old movies, and took a walk. But I've been unhappy lately -- weary over many things great and small -- and having alone time helped me feel stronger and ready to face a new week.

 

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Sunday Stealing

Sunday Stealing: The Useless Questions Meme

  

·             Have you ever written a song? No.

·         Have you ever been in the opposite sex's public toilet? Twice. Both times by accident.

·         Are you superstitious? I suppose. I make a wish whenever I toss a coin into a fountain.

·         What's the most daring thing you've done? It's felt daring every time I've fallen in love.

·         Did you have a baby blanket? Do you still sleep with it? No, and no.

·         Have you ever tried to cut your own hair? If yes, how’d it work out? I mangled my own bangs once and learned from the experience.

·         Have you ever sleepwalked? Yes, when I was in first grade. In his wisdom, the pediatrician thought that phenobarbital was the way to treat it. As you can see, it set me off on a dangerous path.

·         If you could be any age, what age would you be? I felt very happy and sexy at 35.

·         What is your dream car? A towncar with a driver.

·         What is your favorite cartoon of all time? Rocky and Bullwinkle, no doubt!

·         If you were in a car sinking in a lake, what would you do first? Panic

·         Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? No

·         How many foreign countries have you visited? 5

·         If you fell into quicksand, would you try to swim or try to float? Float. I believe I saw this in a Tarzan movie.

·         Do you talk in your sleep? So I'm told.

·         Have you ever slipped in the bathtub? No

·         If you could invite any movie star to your home for dinner, who would it be? Jennifer Aniston. Because she's funny and seems nice and could undoubtedly introduce me to some really attractive men.

·         Have you ever re-gifted? Yes

·         If you could attend an Olympic Event, what would it be? This year, swimming. Jeah!

·         If you could participate in an Olympic Event, what would it be? The Handbag Retail Event.

·         If you won a $5,000 shopping spree to any store, which store would you pick? The Macy's on State Street. It's the store I know best, and could dispatch that $5,000 most efficiently there.

·         What do you think is your best feature? My green eyes

·         If you were to win an Oscar, what kind of movie would it be for? These days, DRAMA.

·         Which of the five senses is most important to you? Sight. I'm a reader.

·         Would you be a more successful painter or singer? Painter, I guess. I'm utterly tone deaf.

·         How many years will/did you end up going to college? One

·         Have you ever had surgery? Yes, last September

·         What do you like to collect? Books.

·         How many collectibles do you have? Plenty! In every room except the kitchen and bath.

 

 

Rest in Peace, Funny Girl!

June 1, 1926 -- August 5, 1962

"If you have nothing more to say, pray SCAT!" 

"If it wasn't for you, I'd be out in the middle of nowhere, sitting on my ukulele."

Those lines are comic gold not because they're inherently funny -- clearly they're not -- but because they were delivered by the incandescent Marilyn Monroe. 

She died of a drug overdose 50 years ago today. She's often thought of as a victim of the star system, a puritanical/patriarchal society and the wrong men. I've read countless biographies of her over the decades -- I've been a fan since high school -- and I know the sad saga well. A truly horrific childhood worthy of a Dickens character, a loveless arranged teen marriage, exploitation by photographers, tawdry casting couch sexual harassment (and that's exactly what it was), men who wanted to possess her instead of know her, miscarriages and abortions, champagne, barbiturates ... Offscreen her life was almost unremittingly tragic.

And yet on screen, she's so much fun. Marilyn is still and eternally magic. For the woman who was thought of as a joke by producers (who used her as they could and only when they had to) really was gifted.

This is her triumph. No actress who came after her has her power over the world's imagination. Children not yet born will know her name and face. One of the nice things about believing in Heaven is that I get to believe she knows this.

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 4

Today's happiness: The Village Book Fair. I'm so glad that I live in a village of book lovers, where the library has three branches, and the annual fundraiser is an event. It's always offers such great values, too. This year I got myself the story of Barack Obama's mother for just $2 and a paperback Lincoln biography for $1. I also got a half dozen mysteries to send to the troops for just $3. (I bet the postage will cost more than the books did!)

Another thing I enjoy about the book fair is seeing which book is so over. There's one every year -- the book my neighbors bought in big numbers and then decided, seemingly at all once, to discard.

In 2006, it was The Corrections.
In 2007, The Nanny Diaries.
In 2008, The Da Vinci Code.
In 2009, My Life by Bill Clinton.
In 2010, Scarlett, the Sequel to Margaret Mitchell's Gone with The Wind.
In 2011, The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

This year (drum roll, please) the dubious honor goes to Sixkill by Robert B. Parker.  I saw six hardcover copies of it. (There would have been 7 if I hadn't ditched my own copy already. It's really not worth re-reading.)

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: Meme 250 - Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere

 

1. Do you ever feel like you are nowhere? Ever? Of course, on occasion. But it doesn't last long.

 

2. Do you keep your cool no matter what is going on around you? I either try to see the humor in the situation, or I send my mind to the happy place.

 

3. Do you feel that career should be more important than your love life? No, but I'm better at it.

4. In what way do you feel that you are unique? I'm smart and I think fast on my feet.

 

5. Do you feel that there is a part of you that you need to hide from most people? Yes.

6. Have you ever held on to a relationship even though you truly knew it was already over?  Ever? Of course, on occasion. But it doesn't last long. I know that was my verbatim answer to #1, but it also works here.

7. Would you say that you are a winner in this game of life? The game isn't over yet, so I can't say for sure.

8. Can you tell us about a time when you were broke and yet still happy? In my late teens when I got my first apartment. I was all alone, by myself, completely independent, and thrilled by the experience. Even being broke seemed like part of my Ann Marie-in-New York/That Girl fantasy. (Though how she afforded all those clothes with her spotty employment history remains a mystery to me.)

9. Do you think staying celibate between relationships important? I don't think it's any of anyone's business but yours.

 

 

 

August Happiness Challenge -- Day 3

Early Fridays. We get out at 1:30, though some start leaving at noon. I admit I haven't been using these free afternoons for anything productive (today I took a nap!), but I sure do appreciate them.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Singing the blues

I'm in a slump. Nothing BIG is wrong ... but everything small is. Everything! From the melon on my chicken and fruit salad (I HATE melons) to TCM wasting a day of Summer of the Stars on Johnny Weismuller.

Maybe I feel this way because of yesterday's full moon. Maybe it's that I'm deprived of precious alone time now that I share an office with three other people.

Whatever is causing it, I have been here before. I know I must not take it all too seriously because it'll pass. It will!

I think it started with some friction at work. The first incident left me feeling vulnerable and frustrated because it's one of those situations where I have responsibility and no authority. Then the second one was a run-in with my boss. He's very confidently going down the wrong path -- wrong for our client, but fun for us, the creatives. I guess my lack of enthusiasm registered on my face because he snarkily snapped, "You can make all the faces you want, but it's what we should be doing." I was very proud of how I responded with nothing but business-related reasons, when I wanted to say, "And you're only being so dismissive because you know I'm right." He told me the next day, "I know we both think we're right, but I'm not budging." I tried to get taken off the project, but no, I'm stuck doing something I don't believe in. So that's adding to my agita.


Then there was being disrupted as soon as I got out of the shower Thursday, frightened by an aggressive banging on my front door. I peered through he peephole and saw a man in a familiar deep blue uniform and a badge. What the fuck? Who's sick or dead? Who needs help?

The officer on the other side wanted to know about my across the hall neighbor, a man I have never seen. The officer wanted to know when/if I saw anyone come in or out. Because I remember all the drama and danger surrounding Crazy Old Neighbor, two years ago this time, I was eager to help. I told him the only person I remember coming to see my across-the hall-neighbor was a young woman who pounded on my door ("aggressively, like you did," I said) who wanted to know where he was, and where did he get his doormat. I told her, "You don't know how much I don't care about that doormat," I responded, annoyed, and she told me it had been hers in the home they shared and he stole it. I told the officer she walked off with it.

He asked me if she was Hispanic and I said I didn't know. "Who notices that sort of thing?" I asked. "She wasn't Swedish and she wasn't African-American, but beyond that, I don't know."

Then he asked me how long I lived here in town, checking out my attire (bathrobe, no makeup, bare feet) he wanted to know if I was getting ready for work, and did I work downtown. Hey ... These are not cop questions …

I answered some but not all and turned it back around to my neighbor. And the cop who, it dawned on me, never said he was a cop. And don't they usually go on calls like this in pairs? Where's his partner?

Turns out he is a cop but not on police business. He was acting as a village "task force process server," and was there to let my across-the-hall neighbor know he's being sued for child support. The other questions? He wants to go out with me because I'm "so funny." Really, he doesn't meet a lot of women who seem "as much fun" as me.

I was so mad! How dare he frighten me like that! And when I mentioned that I thought he was impersonating an officer to get a date, he smiled and said he never told me he was a cop. He gave me a piece of paper with his name on it (Derrick) and made me promise to call.

Oh well. I'm trying to find the pony in this shitty story, so I'm enjoying the fact that a (not unattractive) man will ask me out, even when I'm all fat and pimply and have no makeup on.