Who's the candidate around here?

I am going to vote for Barack Obama. I have regularly contributed money to Barack Obama. I see phone banking for Barack Obama in my future.

So why do I feel like I'm working harder for, and am more enthusiastic about a second term for, Barack Obama than Barack Obama is?

Yeah, he sucked in last week's debate. And, frankly, I didn't expect him to do that well. He didn't shine in the 2008 debates with Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden and John Edwards. (In fact, the one who did best was Biden, so don't sell him short tomorrow night.) But I didn't expect him to be as disengaged as he was. He didn't "not do well." He sucked. That's not the media's fault. It's not his opponent's fault. It's not the moderator's fault. It's Barack Obama's fault. Alone.

And when people remember the DNC convention, who's speeches do they mention? Michelle Obama's. Bill Clinton's. Not Barack Obama's. That surprises me, because our President has proven himself a gifted orator. Yet when millions of people are watching him in prime time, he can't pull out a memorable performance?

Read about the speech Bill Clinton gave in Nevada yesterday. It was awesome. It rocked. It was aggressive but not mean spirited. It had substance as well as heart. The Big Dog conveyed to the audience that this was important … vital … he actually leaped in the air at one point.

Bill Clinton and I want Barack Obama to be re-elected. It's time for Barack Obama to show us he's with us.

Photo courtesy of The LA Times

"They Say It's Your Birthday!"

Here's to you, Dr. Winston O'Boogie. I have been thinking about you today, on what would have been your 72nd birthday.

You are missed.

The silence is disturbing

My best friend lost his job on August 1. When it first happened, he called and emailed me a couple times a day. But for the last month, he's been very quiet.

If I want to talk about my mom, he's completely there for me. But when it comes to him, his family and his job situation, all I hear is crickets.

I fear he's getting depressed. He mentioned once (once!) that he feels "isolated," that people mean well and offer to help but then never call back. Since I want him to know he's not alone, I still email him every day.

More than once on this blog I've referred to him as Eeyore because of his tendency toward melancholy. So I'm worried.

I'm a little in love

I just discovered Pierce Brosnan as Remington Steele. The reruns are on every night on ME-TV. He's not a very good actor, but he sure was gorgeous. I can't for the life of me recall why I didn't watch it the first time around.

This show is a pleasant, swoony little distraction. I was on the road at 6:15 AM, en route to a presentation in my client's offices at 9:00. It went well, but as always there's a bit of tension involved.

The ride back with my coworker Katie was entertaining and interesting. She's young -- not yet 30 -- and hasn't been with us very long, so her insights on our workplace were fresh.

Wrote letters that I owed a friend of my mother's and my cousin. It was hard and tiring. So an hour spent gazing upon Remington Steele was most welcome.

Afternoons in the Park

My cat Reynaldo is pretty fearless and has way too much energy. So this Samsonite pet carrier is a godsend. I can plop him into it, fling the strap over my shoulder and carry him over to the park. It looks like I have an ordinary totebag. This is important because dogs often romp over there. From our spot on the bench, Rey can watch the birds and squirrels and leaves and, yes, dogs, but the dogs don't notice him at all.

We sit there and I read a chapter or two of my book until he begins to get restless (he can turn around in the carrier but can't stand up). Then we walk on home. We have done this two Sundays in a row now and I can tell he enjoys it. He has a swagger in his tail all day and puts out that fearless and completely indestructible vibe.

A Major Award!

Remember the dad in A Christmas Story and how excited he was to win his major award? I'm happy to report that my blog won an award that's far more tasteful than Dad's leg lamp.

Thanks to Ms. Restless Vagabond for the honor. She writes well and with great candor and I admire that about her.


As with all awards, the Sunshine Award comes with a few rules:
♥ Include the award’s logo in a post or on your blog
♥ Answer 10 questions about yourself
♥ Nominate 10-12 other fabulous bloggers
♥ Link your nominees to the post and comment on their blogs, letting them know they have been nominated
♥ Share the love and link the person who nominated you.

Ten Questions
Favorite color: Blue
Favorite animal: Cats. Specifically mine.
Favorite number: 7.
Favorite non-alcoholic drink: Coke
Prefer Facebook or Twitter? I have accounts but I'm not crazy about either of them.
My passion: The Beatles, Cubs baseball, old movies
Prefer getting or giving presents: giving.
Favorite pattern: nova plaid, but I really prefer solids
Favorite day of the week: Friday
Favorite flower: Carnations, because they are so common, inexpensive, durable and pretty. I love their everyday beauty.

I'm not doing the nominating thing. I don't fear The Blog Police. As Cody Jarrett would say, "Come and get me, coppers!" (I told you I like old movies.)

Sunday Stealing

Sunday Stealing: Stealing's Last Meme with Bud

41. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? My dad used to call me "Mouse" because I am rather short and my voice is rather ... high pitched and annoying.

42. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?: No car

43. BEST DATE YOU'VE EVER BEEN ON? (IF MARRIED, before your present spouse) Curled up, watching a ridiculously bad movie and heckling it as though we were on MST, eating pizza, drinking beer. I felt so completely comfortable and happy.

44. WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? I stopped myself. I was afraid if I started crying I wouldn't stop.

45. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB? WHAT WAS THE JOB? 9 to 4. That's 9:00 AM to 4:00 AM the next morning. I'm in advertising. It happens when we're pitching new business.

46. FAVORITE MOVIE? The Way We Were. By the way, I see the diva herself later this month at the United Center.

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SANG IN PUBLIC? WHAT DID YOU SING? "Tramps like us, baby, we were born to run."

48. WHAT WAS YOUR LAST FIGHT ABOUT? How cheap and awful my older sister is. Let's not discuss it.

49. WHAT STUFF DO YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT? Keys, purse, iPod.

50. FAVORITE ITEM OF TECHNOLOGY? I guess it would be this here laptop. Or maybe my microwave.

51. FAVORITE WEB SITE? I spend an awful lot of time on Amazon.

52. DO YOU SMOKE? No.

53. IN YOUR EXPERIENCE, HAVE LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORKED? Well, we didn't make it as a couple, but I'm not at all sure it's because we were based in separate cities. We wanted different things from the relationship.

54. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? Not really.

55. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON WHO CALLED YOU? Someone from Obama 2012.

56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECEIVED? A question from my niece

57. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?: One of the I Love Lucy nightshirts in my rotation.
 
58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?: This one. I love autumn.

59. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER? No 90º+ days!

60. DO YOU THINK WTIT IS COOL OR OVERRATED? Bud is the wind beneath my wings.

61. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND? I'd like to see Looper.

62. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE? As Wilber eulogized Charlotte in Charlotte's Web -- "a true friend and a good writer."

63. WHAT'S YOUR BIGGEST REGRET? Wasting too much time on the wrong man.

64. ARE YOU SMILING? WHY? Yes. Because my cat Joey almost always makes me smile. He's such a loving big old tub of guts.

65. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD IT BE? I have a hankering to return to Boston. (I know, I know. If I can go anywhere in the world, I should choose somewhere more exotic.)

66. DO YOU PLAY AN INSTRUMENT? No

67. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE IN PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW? My best friend.


68. LAST THING YOU WATCHED ON YOUTUBE? An episode of The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, a show I loved as a little girl

69. WHY DIDN”T YOU DECIDED TO TAKE OVER STEALING? Because I'm helping Crazy Sam with Saturday 9.

Sometimes people surprise you

I found a card on my desk Thursday night. Signed by all my coworkers. And it included an insert that showed a donation was made to my mom's favorite animal shelter in her name. I thought they had ignored what happened, because I'm the one who always does the collecting and card routing in situations like this. I just figured that if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done.

My friend John is already looking out for me. My birthday falls on Thanksgiving this year. I have been dreading it ever since I saw my first 2012 calendar. I even mentioned to my mom a couple months ago that I'd like to skip the gathering of the clan and fly out to California to spend it with my oldest friend and her family, but my mom said emphatically she wanted me here. So I didn't make the flight reservations. Now it's a little late to do it economically, so I'm stuck. I'm not sure my kid sister is even going to have a Thanksgiving dinner -- without my mother here, she might just go along to her in laws'. Well, John just invited me this week to spend the holiday with him and his friend, Gregory. They have a tradition of their own, dressing up and going to a restaurant in the Streeterville neighborhood serves an old-fashioned Thanksgiving feast. I may join them. And even if I don't, it's good to know that he loves and is thinking of me and that I won't have to be alone on my first birthday and Thanksgiving without my mom, no matter what.

Kathy has been useful. My old and very difficult friend showed up for my mom's visitation and stayed for the service. That surprised me. Not only that, she came over and acted as realtor, giving us an estimate for what she thinks my mom's house would go for. (My older sister insist we compare three realtors.) And she's taken me out to brunch twice. I don't get it. If she was this nice to me a year ago, I might not have been so serious about severing ties with her. I'm grateful for her help, but I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Not especially busy, but nice

I'm talking about my Saturday. The first reasonably post-normal Saturday since my mom got sick and died. I'm starting to process what has happened, have begun missing her in a normal, dull achy way (instead of the WTF/angry/hurt/"where's my Xanax?" kinda way).

I threw on a black coat my mom gave me sometime last year. She bought it for herself but never wore it, didn't feel it fit. Still had the tags on it. Initially I didn't want it, either. It's all black and I can just see cat hairs flying through the air and attaching themselves to it. But I took it. I'm glad I did. I was happy to be wearing it as I began my errands this fine, sunny autumn day.

First stop: the food pantry. I dropped off a bag of soups and canned salmon liberated from the shelves at my mom's house. This made me happy, too. Then my mammogram. Then the bank to cash in 13 US Savings Bonds I had bought for my mom. She never cashed them. Since they were in both of our names, I was able to. It was bittersweet. I left the bank with $1,182 in cash -- $1,000 that will go to her funeral costs and boy! Am I glad to make help make that dent in that $5,000+ bill! But my mom worried about money so much in her life. I wish she had used that $1,182 herself.

Then brunch at my favorite coffee shop. Lox Benedict and a very interesting book -- Jack 1939. Historical fiction that places JFK as a spy in Europe when he was just out of his teens.

Then Trader Joe's and a ton of laundry and a new nom de blog. Yes, as of next week, I will take over as Sam Winters at The Saturday 9.

I miss my mom, of course. So many things I want to tell her. But it's normal for a woman to miss her mother. And it's also normal for a woman to go out and enjoy going about her life on a sunny Saturday.

I got mine this morning

I had my annual mammogram first thing this morning. While it's never fun to have your boobs squished between two plates, it is smart and being smart feels good.

October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. If you haven't had your boobs squished between plates yet this year, make an appointment and get it done!

Saturday 9 LIVES

Saturday 9 -- Bud's Last

But he advises us the show will go on! Yea!

1. If you could experience any life form that was not a human of your sex, what would you pick and why? I wonder what life is like for my cats. I hope they're happy.

2. Do you believe in the American Dream or has it passed through time? I'm a very old school patriot Gal. Yes, I believe in the The American Dream

3. It's been asked before, probably weekly, but what's irritating you today? My skin is very dry and itchy on my left hip. I think when I scratch it I look like a grumpy old man (I'm thinking Fred Mertz).

4. What do you think you'll end up looking like? (A picture would help.)

5. Has anyone told you that you could not do something? It was my parents' favorite activity during my teen years.

6. Is there anybody dead that you'd like to talk to? At first, I'd say my mom. But she died just three weeks ago and I think it would be too hard. So I'll go with my old standby -- JBKO. She's my all-time idol. I'd ask her how she managed to do everything so gracefully while always in the public eye. She couldn't even have coffee with friends at a cafe without looking up and seeing a camera. And yet she always looked cool, serene, and impeccably gracious. How did you do it, girlfriend?

7. Have you ever done volunteer work? Oh yes. I've cleaned kitty ears and litter boxes at Chicago's Anti Cruelty Society, written the newsletter for the Animal Care League, collected paperback novels for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, and did basic grunt campaign worker tasks for Bill Clinton and John Kerry.

8. Have you ever walked away from a job and regretted it? Nope

9. How did you find Saturday 9? I believe it was through Kwizgiver.

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: Don't Talk to Strangers

I have been playing this meme for so long that waking up this morning and not seeing new questions made me feel .... ooky. Because I'm hopeful Bud will find someone to fill Crazy Sam's shoes, I'm still playing. I found a week I never played from December 2009.

1. Tell us about a night that you spent with someone who was a stranger, yet by the end of the night you were very close. I was a new employee at the agency where I currently work. There was an informal conference room party to celebrate an achievement and I grabbed a beer (the brewmaster was our client) and went back to my office to finish the project at hand. The account exec I was working with followed me to see if I had any questions or needed help. Perhaps because we each had a beer in hand, we got to talking beyond work. (In fact, he remembers me insulting his shirt. I admit I did hate that Hawaiian shirt that he wore on occasion.) Before we knew it, it was after hours and everyone else had gone home but we were still yapping. We realized how well we got along, both professionally and personally, and soon he became my best friend and closest confidante. He still is.

2. When is the last time you rode the bus? I don't drive, so public transportation is my car. I ride all the time.

3. Describe the last time you stood up for a cause. I got a call this week from Obama 2012 and yes, between now and Election Day I will phone bank. I worked very hard for John Kerry in 2004 (months of writing letters, answering phones, filling out forms for the FEC, recruiting volunteers) and that didn't work out well. My heart was broken into so many pieces that I have stayed away from the fray except for my checkbook. But, damn you, Barack Obama, that lousy performance int he debates this week makes it imperative that we all get back into the game.

4. What is something you would like to do, but you're afraid of the risk(s)? See above. I cannot tell you how shattered I was by Election Day 2004.

5. What would you most like to accomplish before the year is over? I'd like to lose 25 lbs. Or 2 lbs. Or a frigging ounce.

6. Name something you miss about 2009. The Bumbles' Monday Movie Memes. I played every week and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Mr. and Mrs. B. had a baby and hung up their blog, but it was fun while it lasted. (It's a familiar story, isn't it, Saturday 9-ers?)
 
7. If you could invent something, what would it be? I live in a condo building, and I would LOOOOOVE a way to somehow see if the washers are in use without hauling my clothes, sheets and towels down for freaking floors to the laundry room … only to have to haul them all the way back up because somebody beat me to it.

8. What first got you started blogging? I wanted to create an accurate snapshot of my life at any given moment. I appreciate Facebook for keeping up with family and friends, but it's hardly a true reflection of me.

9. How did you find this meme? I believe it was through Kwizgiver.

THURSDAY THIRTEEN #191

THIRTEEN FACTS ABOUT MY MOM

My mother died three weeks ago. She was very ill for two weeks before that. I refer to that period as IT. I hate IT. And IT dominates my life as I have to deal with a lawyer and research estate sale organizers and worry about how I'm going to pay for her funeral.

IT needs to be dealt with. But I resent how IT reduces my mother to first pain and death, then stuff likes taxes and bills and accounts and a mortgage. So with this TT, I'd like to just think of her as a woman. (SHOUT OUT TO BOOKMAMA: Thank you for the idea.)

1) When my mother was a very young girl during the Depression, her favorite treat was canned fruit cocktail. Especially the halved cherry. She remembered that as the highlight of her Sundays.

2) Her middle name was Ruth, in honor of her father's sister. Aunt Ruth was what the family referred to as "colorful." Meaning that Aunt Ruth was known throughout town for doing things like holding the strap and singing "Clang, clang, clang went the trolley …" at the top of her lungs while riding the trolley.

3) She hated to cook. She knew how to, she just hated doing it.

4) After my dad died, she no longer had to make a conventional dinner each night. That's when she began having cold cereal or oatmeal for dinner and that suited her fine.

5) She loved her backyard. Not just the lawn and flowers, but the animals, too. It made her so happy to watch the birds and squirrels and chipmunks.

6) But not spiders! She was terrified of spiders! Snakes, too.

7) She got her first cat when she was 8 or 9 years old. She accompanied her dad to a bar and was playing with a box of kittens tucked away in the back room. When the bartender was unable to pay up on a bet with my grandfather, my mom got to take one of the kittens home instead. She chose a little calico.

8) She had 12 more cats over the course of her life. No dogs.

9) She loved warm, dry spring and summer days because she could dry laundry out on the line.

10) She had beautiful handwriting.

11) She was very close to her own mother. That's who chose to be buried beside.

12) She had a distinctive, throaty voice. I will forever miss hearing it.

13) More than anything, she loved her grandchildren. She often quoted a plaque she saw in a card shop: I thought I'd never fall in love again. Then I became a grandma.

For more information about 

the Thursday Thirteen,

or to play yourself, click here.

I Want Wednesday

I want to unload my mother's house. I'm waiting for my lawyer to call me back and explain exactly how we should word this. But here's the thing -- my mother took out the reverse mortgage on her home, not me. It's not legally my obligation and I want to officially get it off my plate. There are enough things that are my obligation -- mainly, but not exclusively, paying for her funeral -- and I'd like to be able to concentrate on that. Instead, waiting for this call and dealing with the official notification is filling me with tension.

I'd also really like to no longer speak of my mother in financial terms. Or in terms of her illness and death. I'd like to be free to simply remember my mommy.

It was good to be back among them!

The Treadmill People, that is. My health club is on the second floor of an office building that overlooks the el platform. On days that I haven't been able to (or haven't felt like) working out, I often look wistfully and a bit guiltily at them and say to myself, "Oh, look at the Treadmill People go!"

Well so far this week, I have already worked out twice. Not hard. Just enough cardio to work up a sweat and just enough time on the machine to work out some kinks. But still, it feels good.

Image courtesy of  / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It's raining

I'm using my "Rainy Day Fund" to help my sister hire an organizer so we can vacate our mother's house in a timely manner and then, on November 16, I'm going to LA to see my oldest friend for the weekend.

I have always pretended that money wasn't there, figuring I'd need it some dark day if I'm laid off. But that might not happen. And my mother did die and we do have to get out of her house and I need to laugh. And my birthday this year falls on Thanksgiving Day. I can't begin to imagine what a horrible day it will be. Two major events -- one day -- no Mom.

My kid sister is overwhelmed and simply frozen in place. I know she's mourning. I know she's scared and sad. I am, too. But she's gotta suck it up and get this done. There are legal ramifications if we aren't out of there on the date the reverse mortgage lender says. I have been putting off talking to them to give her more time but I simply can't keep stalling. It's bad for my stomach lining and it's not wise financially or legally. So she just has to get on the stick and hire one of the organizers I sent her information for. Thus far she hasn't been able to bring herself to even phone one. She needs help getting the estate sale and I'll assist her but she's got to hire someone.

Yet last night my oldest friend had me laughing because she ran into Jane Fonda ... and Jane Fonda didn't know her. Logically, there is no reason for Jane Fonda to know my friend. It's just that Jane's been such an iconic presence throughout our lives and looked so familiar that for a moment, my friend expected Jane to recognize her and say "hi."

We somehow decided to have a slumber party with Jane, Jennifer Aniston and Maria Shriver -- other women we think we know and like but who don't know us. I loved the thought of the five of us sitting around in jammies, talking about boys. And we agreed that Jane, Jen and Maria have juicy stories to tell.

Anyway, it was fun to laugh. I need to laugh. And I can't just keep talking about my mom's passing and her estate over and over and over.

So I'm using my Rainy Day Fund, first on an organizer and then on an airline ticket. And in 7 weeks, the house should be empty and I'm off to LA. Seven weeks ... I can get through that.

Between midnight and 6:00 AM

I got a letter from the local utility company that says I use substantially more power between those hours than my neighbors. It was part of a public service initiative, helping us conserve energy and save on our bills.

When my mom stayed with me a year ago, after my surgery, she was appalled that I kept my lights on all night long. Part of it I do for security -- as a woman living alone, I want it to always look like people are here and awake and moving about, regardless of the hour. Part of it is that I have trouble falling asleep -- it has to happen naturally and organically, usually while I'm reading or watching TV. If I crawl into bed after turning everything off and lay there in the dark and quiet, I get so nervous and uncomfortable.

But to me, the thing was, my mom would be so entertained to know that my flagrant nocturnal use of electricity has come to the attention of the local power company. But I can't tell her. Because she died two weeks ago.

Sunday Stealing

Sunday Stealing: The End is Near Meme, Part Two

21. BIGGEST LIE THAT YOU'VE EVER BEEN TOLD? I'll answer regarding quantity vs. content. Back in the days when I was a boss, I had an art director who lied to me about everything. For no particular reason. For example, he once told me he was an only child, yet another coworker had met his brother.

22. BLONDES, BRUNETTES, REDHEADS OR BALD? Brown hair.

23. WHO DO YOU PHONE MOST? It used to be my mom.

24. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST JOB? Babysitter.

25. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE SUNDAY STEALING? Sorting my laundry and paying bills. (I know, I know ... sexy, huh?)

26. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE? Liposuction!

27. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY? Because fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, and I gotta post.

28. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST? My green eyes.

29. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL? Buy bootleg hootch from speakeasies.

30. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT/HAVE? Kids just were never in the cards for me.

31. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? No.

32. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yes.

33. WHEN DID YOU LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY? At about 8:30 on a late summer Sunday evening.

34. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Of course. I consider it a party just to be near me.

35. DO LOOKS MATTER? Yes. More than they should.

36. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? By yelling.

37. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? The local movie theater.

38. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? Sometimes.

39. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Moi? Jamais!

40. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT? No.

 

 

$1,000 and a trash can

I stopped by my mother's house for a few hours today. I was in her laundry room -- washing, rewashing and re-rewashing my two new pairs of jeans to reduce rub off -- and decided to work at emptying out that part of the house.

I filled up one of her alley garbage cans with three black Hefty bags full of stuff -- shoe polish and half empty bottles of window cleaner and clothes lines and spray starch and, oh, hell, I don't even remember what all. Then there was the bag of empty bottles that I was able to salvage for the recycling bin. Believe it or not, this took two hours. At this rate, we'll never get it emptied for the reverse mortgage company in time. So I told my kid sister she simply has to hire someone to help her.

We have $1,000 now to put toward that we didn't have earlier. Found some savings bonds from 2001 that I gave my mom but she never used. We were co-owners so I can cash them at will. While they will certainly come in handy now, I wish my mother had used them herself in life. That's what they were for, and they might have relieved some of her worry about money.

Oh, and $1,000 is the princely sum my older sister is putting toward our mother's funeral. That's 10%. I don't know how she thinks that's fair. But I'm trying to let it go. In the scheme of things, while this is undoubtedly going to be a pinch in the short term, a couple thousand dollars is really not that big a deal over the long haul of one's life.

It needs to be said

I've been so distracted by personal events this week that I completely ignored the passing of Andy Williams.

He's been mentioned at least a half dozen times on this blog over the years, usually in regards to autumn or Christmas. His voice is packed with memories to me. So, to borrow from Arthur Miller, "attention must be paid."

He had 21 Gold albums and three Emmy awards. And even though in later years he seemed to morph into a RWNJ, he will always have a spot in my heart for his wrenching performance of "Battle Hymn of the Republic" at Bobby Kennedy's funeral mass.

Rest in peace, Andy.

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: Nobody Knows You When You're Down & Out

1. When did you last feel down and out? When I read Bud's introduction to this week's Saturday 9. Makes me feel very sad to see this chapter come to a close. I feel as though I know him and I'll be losing a friend.

2. What do you do to feel sexy? I don't "do" anything because I either feel it or I don't. Sometimes I feel it at the most inappropriate times about the most inappropriate men. If only it was something I could switch on and off like the hallway light.

3. Do you think people think you are normal? Most likely not. But, as my best friend likes to say, "what does normal look like?"

4. What have you always wanted to do? Remodel my bathroom! I will someday, too. As God as my witness, I will one day rid myself of that Pepto Bismol pink bathtub!

5. What do you appreciate the most about your life at this time? Not a lot. I've hit a rough patch. My mommy died earlier this month and the enormity of that statement has yet to hit me. Things are not going well at work. Along with my mother's passing came incremental financial responsibilities. Sometimes I want to scream ... except I don't have the energy. (Sorry, but you asked!)

6. If you could be somewhere else, where would you be and why? Philadelphia, ca 1992. I was very much in love and filled with hope for the future and the country. ("Don't stop thinking about tomorrow ...")

7.  Have you ever made a fool of yourself? If yes, spill. Oh, please! I am such a klutz! It would require a second blog for me to catalog all the times I've embarrassed myself by a fall, stumble, drop or dribble.

8. How often do you feel guilty? A lot lately. My mom's death brings up a lot of unwelcome feelings. Mostly guilt about people I should call back or write to and haven't because I just can't. I have a strong desire to move on, to face forward and simply recall happier times with my mom. But there are quite a few people who mean well but want to talk about IT -- her final illness, death, and the gruesome family aftermath of the funeral and now trying to empty her house. People's feelings are precious and I don't like how casually I appear to be treating them. So I feel guilty.

9. Give us an example of what you’ve done when feeling low self-esteem. I fake it. I'm utterly tone deaf and to hide this fact, I only mouth the words when called upon to sing in public. That includes hymns at church, "Happy Birthday" and The National Anthem at Cub games. (As luck would have it, I have not had to face singing "Go, Cubs, Go!" very much this season.) I view that as a metaphor. When I have low self-esteem, I pretend I'm fully participating and know what I'm doing.

Trifecta

This weekend's challenge:  Take one of your former Trifecta or Trifextra 33 word entries and build upon it with another 33 words. 

I revisited the challenge from August -- to write the last 33 words of my book -- and then added the 33 previous words. I enjoy the exercise of working backwards and seeing where the story takes me … in reverse.

The bailiffs surrounded him. He removed his watch and that gold stud I gave him long ago and handed them to the public defender. He very nearly maintained his dignity despite the handcuffs.

Twenty months will grind inexorably by until it brings us to the next shared moment in our sad saga – and when Sam is released from prison, I’ll be there, waiting at the gate.

998 miles

That's how far apart my best friend and I are.

He's getting depressed and feeling isolated as his unemployment drags into its third month. I came unglued today when I thought a client reorg would put me among the ranks of the unemployed, as well. We spoke for about a half hour, me pacing around the lobby of my office building because my office itself is filled with three coworkers.

I wish we could be together. We get one another and, since we're both suffering, we could comfort one another.

But it is what it is. We'll have to settle for email and phone.

Thump thump, thump thump ...

I opened the mailbox, saw the envelope, and my heart started beating out of my chest. It's the company that holds the reverse mortgage on my mother's house. We have to let them know what we're going to do by either October 13 or October 19. (The 13th marks a month since my mom died, the 19th is 30 days from the date of the letter.)

I know what we're going to do. We're going to give them "the deed in lieu of foreclosure."

The thing of it is, the mortgage company gets to then decide when we have to vacate the property, and my kid sister seems to think Christmas is doable. That's simply not going to be good enough. She's feeling overwhelmed and sentimental about everything, but our deal was this -- since she can't pay for any of my mother's funeral expenses, she'll empty out the house. Now I'm going over there tomorrow for a few hours to help.

This also means I have to deal with my older sister in a matter regarding money and control.  Never a good time.

Oh, and the bill for $6,400 is waiting for me at my mother's house. That's how much we still owe on the funeral, and doesn't count the $4,000 I already paid. I know someday I'll get much of that back, but it's still a daunting sum. My older sister has vacillated between telling me she'll "make a dent in it" (whatever that means) or she won't pay anything on it. We'll see which one she'll be. In the meantime, I have to proceed as though she's not paying any of it.

Thump thump, thump thump …

Things didn't go well at work today. The client is reorganizing on their end and I don't know what impact this could have on my employment. I really can't afford to lose my job right now. At first my boss was not especially forthcoming or supportive about this, but then later in the afternoon he told us it will all be good and besides, none of the big changes will come down for a year. Okeedoke. I don't know if I believe him, though.

Thump thump, thump thump …