My home away from home

I stayed in one of the rooms in the Chiswell-Bucktrout House. Upstairs, far right. It was charming! And much quieter than I thought it would be. After all, at least three of the nine rooms had tenants. We each had our own bathroom and our own TV, so I expected to hear my neighbors. Except for the whirr someone's hairdryer while I was on our shared staircase, I didn't hear a thing.

There were things about staying in a Colonial House that remind you that you're roughing it a bit, at least compared to the luxe accommodations at the Williamsburg Inn. It was rather dark in the shower, but that's because indoor plumbing was placed where a walk-in closest once was and the shape of the room made illuminating both the area over the sink and in the tub difficult. The dramatic pitch of the roof made me knock my head a couple of times. But for me, this all reinforced the atmosphere.

I did have to call the front desk once about the thermostat. First we couldn't get the ac to work in my room (it was in the mid 70s during the day on Monday and Tuesday so the room got warm), then we couldn't regulate it when the mercury outside dropped into the 40ºs overnight on Wednesday. You might assume this was because the building is so old, but that wasn't it. It was a brand-new Trane thermostat -- just installed -- and no one in maintenance had yet been shown how to use it! Oh well, it was nothing that couldn't be remedied by either opening the window or adding a blanket, as the case may be. You know, old school.

How cool is this?

The performers are doing the "Pyramus and Thisbe" thing from Midsummer's Night Dream on a very important spot in American theatrical history.

Trifecta

For this weekend's challenge, write a letter of apology in exactly 33 words. Addresses, salutations, closings, etc., do not count in the 33 words. 

Dear Beth,

I’m sorry I played with Daddy’s softball bat when I know I’m not allowed to. I’m also sorry I hit you in the head. I was aiming for your stomach, but you ducked.

Your sister,

Tess

The part of vacation I don't like

My living room is an explosion of stuff -- a week's worth of newspapers,* laundry, souvenirs, suitcases ... I'd much rather download my photos and share tales of my trip back to the 1770s, but I think I'm going to be a grown up and do a little housework first.

*Thank you, Chicago Tribune, for ignoring my vacation stop request.

Must. Stop. Eating.

Arrived here in Williamsburg a little before noon, just in time to check in to my perfectly adorable little room, and then go to lunch. I had chicken pot pye (as they spelled it back in the day) and this absolutely terrific peanut soup and a frosty lime rum punch. Then I toured one of the old buildings -- an 18th century coffee house (as opposed to tavern) which once played host to George Washington -- and got my gorgeous new spring pedicure (OPI La-Paz-itively Hot). I did 25 minutes of cardio before going to change for dinner.

And, God help me, did I ever have dinner! Scallops wrapped in bacon, sorbet to cleanse my pallet, followed by seared sea bass and a praline/cinnamon concoction for dessert. The meal was really too expensive and I should be ashamed of myself, but I'm not. I even enjoyed listening to the easy-listening tinkling of the ivories that accompanied my meal in The Regency Room, the resort's high-end restaurant. I don't think I can do much more tonight than collapse on my adorable little four-poster canopy dead and sink into a food coma.

Hopefully tomorrow will be more productive. But you know what? If it's not, I won't be too blue. After all, this ol' Gal is on vacation!

Her new young man

Met my niece's boyfriend! Jason is a townie, 26 or 27 to her 20, and an employee of the railroad. He's chatty, once you get him talking, and very good to my niece. It was cute, the way she hung on to his fingers.

My mom looks very good! She didn't join us for brunch, but I guess that would be a lot to expect from an old girl who very nearly died just three weeks ago. She gets dressed, moves around her house (a 4BR ranch), takes care of her cat, does her dishes. I don't believe she's been downstairs to do laundry yet, but you know what? So what!

My nephew was a little weird, a little distant with me. But he's 12, and very devoted to his mom, my kid sister, who remains mad at me for some reason. So I suspect he felt he was being loyal to his mother. Only I don't know what sin I committed this time. Perhaps my sister is upset that the unseasonable spring heat wave is over and she blames me. At any rate, I wasn't even invited to this little soiree until 10:00 this morning.

Oh well, I'm glad I got to see everyone. Even my sister. I insist on being classy because my mother deserves that at this stage.

Now, on to preparing for my trip tomorrow!

It's Easter!

Enjoy this moment of spiritual rebirth. No matter what has come before, let's concentrate on the possibilities that are in front of us.

Remember, God promises that the rest of your life can be the best of your life!

Sunday Stealing

Sunday Stealing: The OC 25 Meme

1. What is your origin of your first name? What about any nicknames? Since my name is The Gal Herself, "the" is an article that denotes specificity. For example, I am The Gal Herself, not A Gal Herself. While I believe there is a similar article in most languages, "the" is English.
 
2. Have you any claims to fame? Not really. And after watching the pain and adversity suffered so publicly by Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse, etc., I'm not sorry I'm just an average, anonymous ol' gal.

3. If you were famous, how would you introduce yourself to someone who had never heard of you? "Hello, I'm The Gal Herself."

4. Which of your country's achievements do you hold in highest regard? Our judicial system. Yeah, I know. We can look at well-known cases like Casey Anthony, OJ Simpson and, right now, Trayvon Martin and feel outrage and heartbreak. But we do see them, while in other countries they might never see the light of day. And we do have checks and balances. It's a very wise system we have been given.

5. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? A teacher or a nurse.

6. What was your most prized possession as a child? Do you still have it? My Lassie Dog. And yes, I still have her up in my closet.

7. What would you change about yourself, if you could? My weight!

8. What are you obsessed with? The 1960s. You know, the Beatles, the Kennedys, Mad Men ...

9. What is your greatest achievement so far, or the high point of your career? I have won some awards.

10. When/where were you happiest? In my mid 30s. I was in great shape, hitting my stride professionally, and in love.

11. And the lowest point in your life thus far? Oh, my. There have been a few. Since it's Easter Sunday, I'd rather focus on the fact that I came out of those bad times.
12. What was the best decision you ever made? Taking money out of my 401(k) to buy this condo. While property values have plummeted, at least I get a nice tax refund. I suspect if I'd let it all ride in the stock market I'd be very blue.

13. If you have any body modifications, which was most painful, or which do you regret the most? If you haven't got any, do you have any planned, or would you ever consider getting any? Huh?

14. What is the most idiotic thing you have ever done while intoxicated? Oh, good goobies! We could take a tour through Lincoln Park and visit all the public places where I threw up. Fortunately I've learned when to say when.

15. What is your favorite joke? I picked this up from another meme-r last time this question came up. Sorry I don't remember which one, because this is a great joke and I'd love to give credit where credit is so richly deserved: A woman races into the dry cleaner shop, breathlessly places a blouse on the counter and says, "I need this in an hour." The startled cleaner asks, "Come again?" "No, just gravy."
16. What is the coolest/most impressive thing you own? Oh, hell, I don't know.

17. When did you last cry, and why? I don't remember. I'm sorry. I feel like I'm being a dreadful disappointment, answer-wise, this morning.

18. What's the best piece of advice you've ever had? "When dealing with bosses, don't listen to what they say, watch what they do."

19. Similarly, what's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for you? I really appreciated how attentive people were when I was recuperating from surgery last fall.

20. Have you any vices? Do carbs count?

21. Do you regret anything? Regrets? I've had a few. But then again, too few to mention.

22. What is the best invention ever? The wheel.

23. How would you describe your relationship with your family? I have a strong relationship with the family I chose. The one I was born into? Eh.

24. Who is your biggest inspiration? I have many heroes and heroines. Not the least of whom is my big old cat, Joey. He is unfailingly gentle and loving, and consequently, generally pretty happy. I wish I could be more like him!

25. What are you going to do when you've finished Sunday Stealing? Maybe church. Definitely going to visit my mom.

When I can, how I can

My friend in Key West has fallen upon very hard times. After more than a decade as a professor, he was let go because of campus politics and a lack of funding from the state of FL. This past school year he's been under-employed, teaching two Spanish classes at a charter high school. Their school year is over and they fired him. Apparently he was too hard-assed for the school administrators, who he believes caved in to parents who wanted their kids to get high grades whether they deserved them or not.

I don't care what happened, really. I just know that if they're gonna be assholes and insist he was fired, then he won't get unemployment.

So now he's a security guard in a museum gift shop. And he has a cold. And his arm is in a sling because he fell off his bike. And he's about to turn 50 ... OK, not for 7 months. But, as Meg Ryan said of 40 in When Harry Met Sally, "it's out there."

He's broke. He's draining his 401(k). He's scared.

He's always been a good friend to me. When it looked like my mom might die, he was ready to hop on a plane to be here with me ... just because I asked him to.

So today I picked up a gift card for him that's good at his pharmacy of choice. Besides, in addition to meds, you can get just about anything at a drug store. He can use it for laundry detergent or dog food for all I care.

I just know it's a privilege to help him when I can and how I can. Because he's a great guy.

I hope it's not happening again

When my oldest friend gets overwhelmed by her life -- which, admittedly, kinda sucks -- she hydraulically shuts down and stops returning calls and emails. She told me on Thursday that her son was back in court again and this time the judge was either going to dismiss the charges or sentence him. Then ... nothing.

So I called last night and she never called me back. I did get an email this morning, saying it was "a long story" and she would explain it to me after the Easter holiday. I still don't know if her son is behind bars. (My guess is that he is, because she doesn't like putting words to unpleasant truths and how hard would it be for her to say, "He's home and fine"?)

We've done this dance before. She shuts me out and turns to her family -- who are repelled by how problematic her kids are and so she sugarcoats and denies everything when she's with them -- and then when I hear from her again she's so low she can barely function.

I hope that's not what's happening now. I really do. It makes me sad and it's frustrating and unfair.

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: I Must Be Seeing Things

1. Have you ever watched something unfold, that as you watched, you could not believe what you've witnessed? The 2004 election. We saw how George W. Bush handled the run up to 9/11 and Abu Gharib and WMDs and ... and ... and ... and somehow, as a nation, we decided he was a better choice than Sen. Kerry. I wish I could say that as I watched the slog the Iraq war became, or how the survivors of Hurricane Katrina were treated by FEMA I was surprised, but I wasn't. Saddened, of course. I always wanted Bush #41 to prove me wrong, but he never did.
 
2. What is your favorite city in the world? Why? Chicago. Wrigley Field. Michigan Avenue. Puppet Bike.



3. What is the strangest film, to your sense of reality, that you have ever seen? The Piano (1993). Not only was I shocked that anyone wrote or made this pretentious and unlikeable thing, it strained credulity that it won 3 Oscars.

4. It seems that the older that you get, the less you want the hassle of seeing a live concert. Who is an artist or a band that you'd actually pay to see? Bruce Springsteen. Aka BROOOOOOOOOOOCE!

5. When was the last time that you lost your temper? Very nearly yesterday. Perhaps I should have actually lost it. Then maybe the feelings wouldn't be festering.

6. When you were little, did you think "sex" was a bad word? No. But my mother did have me believing that "shut up" was a swear word.

7. What does your smart phone do that really surprised you when you loaded the app? I have a perfectly lovely little Sanyo 2700, which is not a smartphone.
 
8. Have you ever been attracted to someone that you should not have been? (Feel free to take this lame question any way that you please.) Yes.

9. Will you see the new "The Three Stooges" film? No.

When the going gets tough, the tough go to the movies

I'm on vacation! Hurray! But I hate my kid sister and The Chocolate Covered Spider! Boo! So, in an effort to get my mind off my troubles and get into a more zen place so I can enjoy my time off, I thought I'd sit in the dark for a few (3.25) hours and watch Titanic in 3D.

It was the first time I'd seen it at the movie theater in more than a decade. While I'm not sure 3D enhanced the film itself that much, I know sitting there in the dark did. I've always been a sucker for the movie going experience, and I'm very glad I spent this time with Jack and Rose.

I have been watching Leo and Kate in movies so often and so regularly that it was jarring to see how much their appearances have changed since 1997. I knew while watching this the first time that this was a breakout, star-making performance for him. I'm surprised and impressed by her body of work (6 Oscar nominations by age 37 -- this puts her at a Streep-like pace).

And then there's the timeless tragedy itself. My oldest friend and I both are kinda into the Titanic story. She says it's because of all the times, each step of the way -- beginning with when the ship was designed and built, through the lookouts accidentally leaving their binoculars behind, to moving faster than was wise to arrive New York early, to not taking that iceberg threat seriously -- that disaster could have been averted ... but wasn't. That this was some horrific convergence of mistakes and bad judgements that resulted in the loss of so many souls. For me, it's wondering how I would have faced being a passenger on that ship. Would I have been one of the lucky first-class passengers? Or, more likely, how would I have behaved when for the hour when doom was imminent? At any rate, it's an overwhelmingly compelling story. To paraphrase one of the characters, Brock (the latter day captain in search of artifacts), once you let Titanic in, it stays with you. Knowing we're approaching its centennial makes it more poignant.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot! What with all those woosh-ing noises and 3D nautical effects and the two Cokes I drank, I had to go to the bathroom twice. Wasn't crazy about that. If you're going to see Titanic in 3D at the movie theater, lay off the soda.

Trifecta

This week's challenge: Write a response between 33 and 333 words long and uses the words listed below. Use the words however you wish, but make sure that all three appear in your response.  Oh, and they must appear in order.

1. cacophony
2. soap
3. insects

Her displeasure was impossible to miss. In fact, her pitch rose and the volume rapidly increased until they became cacophony. Pam loved that dieffenbachia, and she really hated seeing bugs on the leaves.

Was she too attached to this plant? Perhaps. But it had great sentimental value. Her husband had brought it to her in the hospital when their daughter was born, and watching it flourish and grow in her office reminded Pam of the little girl who was now flourishing and growing at pre-school.

“My God!” Her administrative assistant appeared red-faced and worried in the boss’ doorway. “Are you OK?”

“Look!” she said, pointing to spots of distress.

The older woman stood next to her boss, peered at the plant and then draped a comforting arm around Pam’s shoulder. “Not a problem, really. Nothing a little soap and water can’t fix.”

“Huh?” Pam may have earned an MBA from Wharton and become a recognized expert in the field of biotech healthcare management, but creative uses for household detergents was not in her wheel house.

“We’ll mix a little dishwashing liquid and plain tap water in your plant mister and send those insects running,” her admin said confidently.

 

Thirteen Thirteen #166

THIRTEEN FACTS ABOUT WRIGLEY FIELD

As Eddie Vedder sings in his Cub tribute song, “Someday We’ll Go All the Way:”
When you’re born in Chicago you’re blessed and you’re healed/every time you walk into Wrigley Field. 



Now that it's April and another season has begun, it's time to honor one of the most special places on the planet ... "the home of our joy and our tears" ... Wrigley Field.

1) Built in 1914, it’s the second oldest park in the majors (Boston’s Fenway is two years older)

2) It’s pretty. The vines were added in 1937 and they make Wrigley Field feel more like a park than a stadium.

3) That’s the original scoreboard! The inning-by-inning scores are still changed by hand from inside the board.

4) The park was christened "The Friendly Confines" by Cub great/MVP/Hall of Famer, Ernie Banks.

5) Ernie’s nickname is "Mr. Cub." His statue graces the front of the park. As do statues honoring Billy Williams and the late, great Ron Santo.

6)  SIX Cubs have had their jerseys retired, and their numbers fly on flags above the park (14 – Ernie Banks; 10 – Ron Santo; 26 – Billy Williams; 23 – Ryne Sandberg; 31 – Both Fergie Jenkins and my beloved future Hall-of-Famer, and personal all-time favorite Cub, Greg Maddux)

7) Ernie hit his 500th career homerun in this park.

8) Sammy Sosa hit his 60th homerun here during three separate seasons (1998, 1999 and 2001)

9) Perhaps the most famous player of all time, Babe Ruth, added to Wrigley Field’s legend, and his own. In 1932 he pointed to the bleachers, indicating exactly where he would hit the next pitch, and then made good on the brag with a homerun.

10) When one of baseball’s most infamous, Pete Rose, got the base hit that tied him on the all-time list with Ty Cobb, he did it in Wrigley Field.

11) A “W” or “L” flags flies over Wrigley Field at the end of each game. Before the Cubs added lights, all Wrigley Field games were played during the day. The “W” for win flag (and “L” for loss) were flown for commuters on their way home who were unable to watch or listen to the game.

12) Another Wrigley Field tradition is for bleacher fans to throw back any homerun hit by an opposing player. I’ve heard that sports memorabilia collectors actually weep when think of the money that right-thinking Cub fans toss back onto the field.

13) The first night game at Wrigley Field took place in August 1988, and was suspended because of a torrential rainstorm. Some of us believed it was God’s way of saying baseball is meant to played under the sun.

For more information about the Thursday Thirteen,

or to play yourself, click here.

Happy Birthday to an Underappreciated Screen Queen

Yesterday was Doris Day's 88th birthday. I have always been a big fan of hers, and don't know why there aren't more of us. Not only did she make some wonderful movies and recordings, she was a major star for years. Between 1956 and 1965, she never ranked lower than #3 on the list of female box office draws, and for four of those years, she was #1. While sex goddesses Elizabeth Taylor and Marilyn Monroe are remembered as the icons of that era, it was freckle-faced Doris who consistently sold more tickets.

I love her because she never seems to be acting. She had her share of leading man who were adept at chewing the scenery (Kirk Douglas, Howard Keel) but she never succumbed and always stayed utterly natural. Which is not to say she wasn't charismatic. In two of my favorite movies (Young at Heart and Love Me or Leave Me), she holds her own with Frank Sinatra and James Cagney. She also enjoyed success with Cary Grant and Clark Gable (though, to be honest, I wasn't as enamored of her in those roles).

The quintessential Doris heroine was high-spirited and good-hearted. She was always independent and sure of herself. A pre-feminism feminist. Marilyn Monroe may have always needed rescuing, but not Doris. In fact, she was just as likely to do the rescuing. (In Young at Heart, she saves both an unwanted puppy and Frank Sinatra.)

She is best remembered for her wildly successful but virtually sexless sex comedies with Rock Hudson. The plots are all so dated, as Rock tries to maneuver Doris into bed and then she gets so mad! It's easy to make fun of them. After all, by the time she made Pillow Talk and Lover, Come Back she was already in her mid-30s, a little old to be a virgin. But I never thought it was her purity that Doris was fighting to protect. It was her integrity. It wasn't Rock's single minded horniness that upset her as much as his duplicity. Plus she had some really fantastic clothes in these movies. In Pillow Talk she's an interior designer and in Lover, Come Back she's an ad exec, so she has high-powered jobs to pay for those designer threads, too. And, while there isn't really much heat between her and Rock in these silly comedies, there is a lot of genuine affection.

She began her career as a singer. "Que Sera, Sera" is her signature song, introduced in the Hitchcock classic, The Man Who Knew Too Much. But in the 1940s she reached audiences not from the movie screen but through their radios. Singing with bandleaders Tommy Dorsey and Les Brown, she had hits with "I Got the Sun in the Mornin'," "Everybody Loves a Lover" and, most famous of all "Sentimental Journey." The latter was an anthem for servicemen in WWII, and Doris a stand-in for every Girl Next Door waiting faithfully back home. It was so popular, and her vocal was so good, that it was the first recording inducted into the Grammy Hall of Fame. Her singing was just as natural, sweet and affecting as her acting. None of the histrionics that we hear from divas today. Doris simply hit the notes squarely and told a story as she sang, and she did it beautifully.

When her movies and music fell out of favor, she ended up doing a TV show that, while popular for a time, truly sucks and is better off forgotten. Then she indulged her passion for animals and became a tireless crusader for animal rights. Her Doris Day Animal League focuses on influencing legislators to introduce new laws and enforce existing statutes that protect animals. They work hard to bring animal welfare organizations from different regions together to compare notes and develop innovative ways to educate the public and reduce animal suffering. Naturally, I think the old girl is a peach.

Her personal life has been chaotic. A terrible car accident as a girl, an abusive first husband, a manager-husband who robbed her, a landmark lawsuit that awarded her $22 million, and a son who offended Charles Manson. She wrote it all in her 1975 autobiography, which raised quite a few eyebrows at the time. Being Doris Day was most certainly not as easy as it looked!

Which is why I hope yesterday was a very happy celebration for her. No one sees her very much these days, which isn't an unusual for a lady of her years. I hope at 88 she's healthy and surrounded by loved ones (with and without fur). It's the least she deserves for all the joy she brought us for decades.

www.Wednesday

To play along, just answer the following three (3) questions…

• What are you currently reading? I just picked up  The Spellman Files by Lisa Lutz. It's Book #1 in a detective series about Izzy Spellman, who is described as "part Nancy Drew, part Dirty Harry." This series gets a "thumbs up" from Kwizgiver.
 
• What did you recently finish reading? Mortal Stakes, my favorite in Robert Parker's venerable Spenser series. I picked it up again because it's about a mystery surrounding a phenomenal young Red Sox pitcher, and my Cubs begin their season tomorrow and I wanted to read about baseball. The title comes from Robert Frost, "Only where love and need are one, and the work is play for mortal stakes, is the deed ever really done." That's just one of its serious elements. There's mystery and blackmail and bribes and sleuthing, for sure. But also integrity and values. How what you care about helps determine who you are. It shows Spenser falling slowly in love with Susan, his life partner and (for me, at least) one of the most annoying women in pop culture. So it was good to revisit Spenser and Susan at the beginning of their relationship, to remind me what he loved about her. (PS This book was originally published in 1987. The Internet has changed our lives soooo much in the last 25 years, and as I reread it I kept thinking, "This wouldn't have happened this way if they'd had Google.")

• What do you think you’ll read next? I don't know for sure, but maybe Found by Tatum O'Neal. She's been through so much, and so publicly. I'm curious about how she's doing -- as an actress, as a daughter and as a mother.

I Want Wednesday

I want today to be over. For it feels like tomorrow, the rest of my life begins. After all, Thursday is Opening Day! I'm always happier when I have my Cubs.

Then there's Easter and my vacation, which begins Monday. The sooner today is over, the sooner the fun starts.

Sometimes I feel like just giving up

It's disconcerting to be outmaneuvered by a skinny beige cat. And yet Reynaldo beats me, and beats me down, every time.

Lately he has decided to awaken me in the middle of the night -- usually between 2 and 3 am. He eats my hair. He meows. He pulls on my lower lip with his paw. He knocks everything off my dresser. He does whatever he can to wake me up.

He wants me to feed and play with him. If I do this so he'll leave me alone, he will do it again the next night. And the next. Trust me, I know.

He is not hungry. I always find the meager remnants of his dinner in his bowl when I give him breakfast. He just would prefer a cat treat or canned food to his kibble. And he's not lonely. He has two other cats and a box of toys to amuse him while I sleep. He doesn't need me. He just wants me.

Last night we went through our little routine, with him misbehaving and me yelling, and finally I just tossed him out of the bedroom and closed him -- and the other two cats -- out. And, unintentionally, away from the litter box that is tucked out of sight in the back of my walk-in closet.

So this morning when I woke up, I found catshit on my kitchen floor. Gee, thanks! And cat urine on one of my handbags -- that'll teach me to forget to hang it on the chair -- and on my bathmat.

Maybe now that Reynaldo is older (he just turned 8), his dietary needs have changed and he truly isn't getting enough of the food he likes. Or maybe he's just fucking willful. At any rate, I'm going to give him a midnight snack before I retire. Not Joey -- though he's sweet, he's already too chunky and I worry about the impact his weight has on his health. But Miss Thing herself, Charlotte, can partake in a dollop of canned food too, if she'd like.

I've got to come up with something. We can't go on like this!

Mommy's Home

My mom was released from the hospital yesterday afternoon and I'm so grateful! She is going to be tired for a good long time, has to remember to drink -- preferably water -- almost constantly because she is at increased of dehydration, and she shouldn't be too far away from a bathroom for a while, but she's home. In her own bed. With her cat.

The house my mother currently lives in -- where I lived from ages 2 to 18 -- has only ever been owned by her family. Her mom and stepfather built it when she was in high school. It's the house she moved away from when she married my dad. When I was a toddler, she and my dad bought it from her parents, and that's where she's been ever since.

To me it's a ranch house with shag carpeting in the world's most boring suburb. But it's as important to my mom as Tara was to Scarlett O'Hara. So I'm so glad she's home!

Plus, I wasn't at all crazy about the hospital she was in. She and my kid sister love it because it's new and in a wealthy suburb -- where I was in an old hospital in a more working-class neighborhood when I had my surgery last September. Yet in my dumpy old hospital, I never saw food trays in the hall. Every hospital worker who came to visit me actually USED the hand sanitizer stuck to the wall. Glad she's home before she could come down with some sort of infection -- albeit a decidedly upper middle class infection.

Image: Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Trifecta

This week's challenge: Check out the third definition of brain (below), and use the word exactly as it appears, in no less than 33 and no more than 333 words.

3

: something that performs the functions of a brain; especially : an automatic device (as a computer) for control or computation

The storage facility called about a single moving box left in her late father's abandoned locker. If she didn't retrieve it, they would toss it. Julie was tempted to say, "Go ahead." But her boyfriend was eager to go get it, saying, “I bet it’s filled with treasure.”

So that's how they came to go through a box of ancient office supplies. A pink disc typewriter eraser, complete with little black brush. Bottles of dried out liquid paper. And brads. Lots of brads.

"Why would anyone need this many brads?" Shawn asked.

"He used them to fasten his cuffs in a pinch," she said matter-of-factly.

"Really? Your dad sounds like quite a character."

"That's one word for it," Julie replied, going through file folders. It gave her pause to see his handwriting again for the first time in years. Dad cared more about his office life than his home life. So far, Julie was unimpressed by the paperwork that had been such a successful rival for his affections.

Shawn saw that she was getting sad. He attempted to distract her by shooting her with an old rubberband but it came apart in his hand. Instead he reached in the box and found a big black gadget.

“What’s this behemoth?” he asked.

 

“That’s Dad’s Bowmar Brain!”

“His what?”

“You know, ‘brain,’ like calculator,” she said, taking it from Shawn. “Believe it or not, this was once state-of-the-art. His boss gave it to him for Christmas and he wouldn’t let me even touch it.” 

Shawn continued rummaging. Julie continued reminiscing. “He was so impressed with this thing, even though I think it only did four functions. He told everyone it was the best present he got that year. Completely ignoring the picture frame I made for him. I decorated it in glitter and wrote ‘Daddy’ in …”

“Macaroni,” they said in unison as Shawn produced a gaudily framed photo of a very young Julie.

He smiled. “I told you we’d find treasure.”

Sunday Stealing

SundayStealing: The April No Fools' Meme

1. What was the last clothing item that you bought? In January I took advantage of Macy's after Christmas sale and bought $200 worth of big sweaters for just $100. Then, you guessed it, we had this freakishly warm winter/spring and I barely got to wear them. Oh, well.

2. If you could stay one age forever, what age would you choose? 35. I felt very womanly in all the best ways when I was 35.

3. When you say “lol”, are you really laughing? No. Let’s face it, no one is really laughing.

4. What is the most interesting thing you’ve done in the past year? Oh, it has to be the purchase of my new toilet! It’s a Wellworth (who knew toilets had names?), purchased at The Home Depot and installed by my handyman. Admit it, you're jealous!

5. If you started a business, what would it be? Pet sitting. I have a way with critters.

6. Do your friends/family/coworkers know about your blog? God, I hope not!

7. How long does it take you to write an average blog post? I don’t know. I truly have never thought about it.

8. How do you keep up with the blogs you follow? Behold the blog roll at right.

9. What is your bedtime? Is sex always involved? Sex is never involved. This makes me sad. :(

10. Introvert or extrovert? Yes. The answer depends on the setting.

11. What is your biggest fear? An airplane crash.

12. What is the best job you ever had? I developed the copy for product packaging and promotion for a haircare company. I learned a lot and it was fun. Eventually the office politics got to me. But when it came to the actual writing, it was my favorite job and I’d be there still.

13. Dog person/cat person/both/neither? Both. I have always had cats and love them, but I could love a dog, too. Unless you were traumatized by a critter in your youth, I don’t get having a preference. Every critter is individual, just as every person is.

14. If you had $1,000 to spend any way you wanted, what would you do with it? $333 would go to charity, $333 would go to bills, and $334 would go to fun.

15. How do you "dress" your toast? Butter and jam.

16. How do you feel about snow? With my hands, tee hee. I like it fine. It’s fun.

17. What was the worst job you ever had? Writing sales and promotion materials for a software manufacturer. It was painful.

18. What song can you not stop listening to?

19. Love your name or hate it? My first name is fine. My last name is kind of dopey. At one point I was dating a guy whose last name is Smith and I truly thought about marrying him, just for a name everyone could pronounce and no one would make fun of.

20. How did you choose your blog/twitter handle? It was available.

Rice, noodles, tomato paste and soup

I believe in the phrase, "Demographics are destiny." With that in mind, let me tell you a little something about my neighborhood.
• Our average HHI is nearly 30% higher than the rest of the state
• Our homes are worth, on average, 40% more than those across the rest of the state
• Requests for aid from our local food pantry were up a staggering 22% in 2011. Last year 50,000 people were served by the food pantry that is open 2 days/week in the basement of our Methodist church.

My neighbors are still suffering. And, statistically speaking, yours probably are, too. This Recession and the sluggish recovery have been brutal on middle class families. A lot of folks are under-employed, working at part-time jobs that help them make ends meet but leave them without benefits, and so they are paying more than ever for prescriptions and trips to the doctor and dentist. Add in escalating gas prices, and you can see why they are turning to food banks for help.

History tells us that in November and December, when people are filled with the holiday spirit, food pantry shelves are full. After the new year, contributions wane and then spike in time for Easter (now). Then, over the summer, the need becomes more critical. Especially because classes are over and kids won't be getting their free school lunches.

So while I'm glad that I visited our local food pantry and dropped off a bag of Rice-a-Roni, Kraft Macroni and Cheese, Campbell's soup and generic tomato paste, I have to remember to keep at it throughout the summer. (And maybe remember to add some vegetables!)

And, if helping the hungry in your hometown is something that interests you, here's a link that will lead you to the food pantry nearest you.

Saturday 9: Stuck in the Middle With You

1. In romance, have you ever been stuck in the middle with someone? I've been listening to this song for decades and it's never put me in the romantic mind set. "Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you." So I always assumed "stuck in the middle" meant surrounded by people we just don't get. And yes, when my late uncle was alive, I got the idea that he and I were "stuck in the middle" together at every family gathering. We were somehow the family "outlaws," yet we understood one another easily enough. I miss him enormously.

2. Which current commercial is the currently most annoying to you on TV or radio? The Amy Sedaris/Mean Joe Greene Downy commercial. She's self-consciously cute and it annoys me. And yes, I get it. I saw the original Mean Joe Green Coke commercial when it first ran and as an adult I have heard how it was a breakthrough in celebrity endorsements. I just don't like Amy Sedaris. Leave me alone.

3. What do you think is the most difficult task when it comes to Spring cleaning? Getting started and staying with it.

4. What area is your expertise in? I write.

5. Have you ever bumped into a former lover and found out they were now gay or straight depending on your relationship with them? No.

6. When was the last time that you got stabbed in the back? Nothing springs to mind. Which is kinda nice, actually.

7. For a few years in a row, you receive a nice tax refund: do you make an adjustment with your payroll deduction so they’ll take less, or do you leave it that way so that you can continue to receive the big check every spring? I keep getting the big check in spring. It's kind of my enforced savings, and it goes paying for my mom's Medicare supplemental insurance and snow removal. (And if there's any left over, I buy purses.)

8. Do you remember the most naughty night of your life? (And do tell a bit, if comfortable) Yes. A coworker/boyfriend and I were supposed to be at a company function at a hotel and we got bored and crashed the dental convention down the hall. We were dressed nice, we had name tags, no one ever knew. Mad Men aside, the dentists had a far nicer open bar than our advertising agency did. And we got plowed. And carried away. In a secluded corner of a hallway near the maid's closet. Somehow when he kept saying, "So what if anyone catches us? We'll never see these people again!" it was very convincing. BTW, I think of him often because he was born and raised in Sanford, FL, the town that has been in the news lately of their ridiculously awful police department. He said he couldn't wait to grow up and leave that town.
 

9. How would you handle yourself if you were regularly in the press and tabloids? Badly. That's one of the things I admire so about my all-time idol, JBKO. After leaving the White House she rarely gave interviews (two or three in more than 30 years) and never responded to anything that was written about her. What self control that must have taken! I'd have a regular seat on The View, every damn day, saying, "Listen, Whoopi, here's what really happened."

Again in March!

I reached my goal of 13 workouts for the third -- yes, third! -- month in a row. I still feel like the real me is trapped inside a fat moo-cow's body, which is bad. But this evening's accomplishment means fitness is becoming a part of my life, which is good.

This evening I worked until about 8:00 and then, sure that everyone had gone home (even the janitors), went and did my 25 minutes on the treadmill that's tucked away on the 40th floor. Did a few floor exercises, too.

There was a time, not that long ago, when I would have looked at my watch, seen that it read 8:00, said "fuck it" and come straight home. So while I don't think I'm exerting myself enough, and I'm still eating too many carbs, and I can still answer to "Fatty McFatterson" or "Peppermint Fatty," I am still giving myself this round of applause because I am making progress.

Everybody should have one

A Joey like mine, that is.

His heart is as big as his massive old gut. He loves to curl up beside me and make curly paws. And there is nothing more comforting than the sound of his purr. Which is loud, as befits a gentleman of his considerable size.

Trifecta

This weekend's challenge: Write a horror story in 33 words, without the words blood, scream, died, death, knife, gun, or kill. 

“I love high, sturdy ceiling beams,” he said appreciatively, knotting the bedsheet under her chin. “Don’t worry, you won’t leave a big mess behind. It will look like a simple suicide by hanging.”