First, suspended Chicago Cubs dick Milton Bradley apologized to me … and all Cub fans, of course. He came here for me in the first place, after all, to finally bring fans like me a World Series Championship. Instead, alas, he behaved like a dick. He says he looks forward to better days. I believe all days will look better when the Cubs find a way to unload him and his multimillion dollar salary on some other unsuspecting team.
As if that didn't make me feel special enough, former Governor Rod Blagojevich appeared on The Daily Show last night and reassured me that everything he did, he did for me because he loves me ... and all the citizens of Illinois, of course.
No wonder I feel as though I'm the sun and everything revolves around me!
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