Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Thursday Thirteen #39 -- Campy Movie Classics


THIRTEEN CINEMATIC STINKERS

The Gal Herself

SAVORS


Yes, I'm a connoisseur of terrible pop songs. But I delight in bad movies, too. I never miss an opportunity to watch one of these clunkers. They are all earnest, sincere, unselfconsciously and gloriously bad. A big glass of milk, a box of Nilla Vanilla wafers, and one of these, and I’m simply in heaven. If you're a fan of bad dialog, unreasonably lavish wardrobes, cheesey special effects and completely unbelievable plot twists, then these movies are for you! Since this is the witching time of year, I’ll lump all the stupendously stupid horror movies together at the top.

1. Attack of the Puppet People (1958). A lonely Gepetto-type lures people to his studio and then shrinks them so he’ll have company forever and ever. My favorite scene: When the Puppet People try to get help by climbing the phone cord and attempting to dial Gepetto’s ginormous (at least to them) rotary desk phone. You don’t have to be loaded to enjoy this cinematic gem, but it helps.

2. Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954). A group of scientists sail down the Amazon and encounter a scaly underwater creature with love on his mind. My favorite scenes: Every time the Creature grabs Kay, the female scientist who has captured his heart, but can never return his love because she is promised to another (who, incidentally, is of her own species). It probably doesn’t help their relationship prospects that the Creature tragically has no genitals. I know this because I search for them every time. If I ever get hi-def, it will be because of this movie.

3. The Brain that Wouldn’t Die (1962). After a terrible car crash, a mad scientist keeps his girlfriend’s head alive. In a shallow dish. On a long table. While her hair is hidden under a turban, her makeup is always perfect. Never could figure out how she managed that with no hands. At any rate, the prospect of a future with no body, or perhaps with a transplanted body, leaves her grumpier and grumpier as the movie wears on. My favorite scenes: Any of the Brain’s scenes with the drooling mutant brute who is also kept in the la-BOR-a-tory. She’s all bossy attitude with him. You have to admire her spunk under these trying circumstances.

4. Valley of the Dolls (1967). Sex, Broadway, sex, pills, sex, Hollywood, sex, cancer, sex, dementia, sex, booze, sex … and some of the worst acting and incongruous wardrobe, hair and makeup choices in the history of cinema. This is my most beloved wretched film of all time. My favorite scene (and it’s hard to choose just one): when movie star Neely O’Hara confronts Broadway legend Helen Lawson in the ladies’ room, rips off her wig, and tries unsuccessfully to flush it down the toilet. No, I'm not kidding. You have to see it to believe it.

5. Written on the Wind (1956). The lives and loves of two men who have been friends all their lives, even though one (Rock Hudson) is earnest but poor and the other (Robert Stack) is the playboy son of one of Texas’ richest oil families. My favorite scenes: Any with Dorothy Malone, who inexplicably won an Oscar for her over-the-top portrayal of Stack's Bad Sister. When called a filthy liar, she responds coolly, “I’m filthy. Period.”

6. Change of Habit (1969). Elvis made a lot of bad movies, but none worse than this. Mary Tyler Moore plays a groovy nun who switches from her habit to miniskirts as she helps Dr. Elvis in his ghetto clinic. Only he doesn’t know she’s a nun and he falls in love with her. Watch for Ed Asner, Mr. Grant himself, in a bit part as a very uncool cop. My favorite scene: At the end, when MTM is in church, trying to choose between the Son of God and The King of Rock’n’Roll.

7. The Best of Everything (1959). Career girls in New York want it ALL! Careers, men, and children. But no woman can have it all, as miserable, old, childless, spinster career woman Joan Crawford warns them. But they won’t listen. No, no. Caroline (Hope Lange) and Gregg (Suzy Parker) and April (Diane Baker) have to learn it for themselves, the hard way. Fortunately for us, they learn it in beautiful apartments while wearing great clothes and spouting hideous dialog. My favorite scene: When aspiring actress Gregg is driven mad by her unrequited love for the caddish Louis Jordan and is reduced to spying on him and his new girl from the fire escape … and then tumbles to her death.

8. Billy Jack (1971). He’s a mysterious half-breed Green Beret who protects the peace-loving hippies at the Freedom School. Almost always with his feet. The thing I love about Billy Jack is that he comes from Shatner school of dramatic pauses. He may be a man of few words, but it takes him FOREVER to spit them out. My favorite scene: After the incident at the ice cream shop, when Billy Jack says, “When I see … what you did to this little girl … this little girl that we call … ‘God’s gift of sunshine’ … and I think of all the years that she will carry the memory of this … I JUST GO BERSERK!”

9. Glen or Glenda (1953). The inimitable Ed Wood directed himself in the title role of misunderstood young transvestite with a fondness for angora. My favorite scene: Bela Lugosi reciting, “Beware of the green dragon. He eats little boys and puppy dog tails and big fat snails!”

10. Ski Party (1965). Much like the beach party movies, but with an important difference: this one takes places IN THE SNOW! Frankie Avalon and Dwayne Hickman have to dress in drag in order to go on a “girls only” ski weekend. And they can’t even ski! I’ll bet you can just imagine all the trouble those wacky scamps get into on the slopes! My favorite scene: Teen idol Leslie Gore at the ski lodge, singing “Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows.”

11. Madame X (1966). Lana Turner was one of the worst actresses ever. And, oh boy, does she ever stink in this one! A girl from the wrong side of the tracks marries a politician -- even though she looks and acts older than the politician's mother -- and has a beautiful son. She gets bored with the life of a socialite/political wife and has an affair with Ricardo Montalban. (How could she resist?) That nasty Ricardo threatens to expose their affair so she kills him and then disappears to save her husband’s career. She becomes a hopeless drunk who has to kill again. This time it’s a sleazy blackmailer who figures out who she is and also wants to ruin her husband’s career. This time she gets caught but refuses to reveal her real name or motive for the crime. Hence the appellation “Madame X.” She finds herself represented in court by the public defender who is (gasp!) HER SON! My favorite scene: In the courtroom, when the doctor explains that she’s HOOKED (!) on absinthe, which causes INSANITY!

12. Tammy Tell Me True (1961). I love the entire Tammy Trilogy, but this is the worst and therefore my favorite. Tammy Tyree, a sweet, uneducated girl who has lived her entire life on a riverboat, somehow ends up at a prestigious university without the benefit of grammar or high school. My favorite scene: When she rebels against being treated as a child, announcing, “I’m a woman, fully growed! Front and back!” and inviting Professor John Gavin to check her out.

13. Showgirls (1995). Remember Jesse Spano from Saved by the Bell? Have you ever wanted to see her dance naked? Here’s your chance! You have to buy the premise that whereas little girls once wanted to run off to New York to star in Broadway musicals, in the 90s they want to run off to Vegas to be the lead “exotic dancer” at a resort hotel. My favorite scene: When our heroine says, in a typical moment of introspection, “I like having nice tits.”

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. Works for Mom has facts that are so appropriate for the day

2. Nicole Austin always has good TTs and this week is no exception, but I can't load it (Sorry, Nicole.) Please, everyone, go check her out.

3. Greatfullivin has fun and family friendly cartoons

4. Nicholas not only has an interest list of books with one-word titles, he has the damndest TT banner I've ever seen!

5. Courtney has an upbeat TT

6. Malcolm has a fun list of 13 shows that Jumped the Shark

7. No Nonsense Girl takes us on a tour of her desk

8. Morgan Leigh enthusiastically shares her passions

9. Susan Helene Gottfried celebrates a Shapeshifter Halloween

10. Pussreboots shares her thoughts about National November Writing Month

11. Lisa rants, and who could blame her?

12. Lori gives single parents tips for taking care of themselves -- but we can all benefit from it

13. Moondancer teases us about "White Lotus"

14. Sandy Carlson has a Halloweeny TT about Riverside Cemetery in CT

15. Raggedy teaches us to "speak Southern"

16. Cordia Amant shares some imaginative Halloween costumes

17. Open Grove Claudia uses her imagination and converses with the dead

18. Mommyba has an inspirational TT about weight loss. Go, girl!

19. SJ has 13 terrific baseball movies to warm your heart this offseason

20. Lori's TT brings us up to date with enhancements to her blog

21. Dane lists shows that "spun off" from other shows

22. Yenn explains digital scrapbooking

23. cj shows us what would be in her dream trick or treat bag

24. Damozel presents some great Halloween photography

25. Xakara gets us started on her NaNo project

26. Janet's TT is spoooooky

27. WAHM (Bloggers) shares tips for keeping the wee ones occupied

28. Scooper lists intriguing sentences from books

29. Aline outlines 13 books she's written … AND HAD PUBLISHED!

30. Wakela shares 13 things about Wakela

31. Holly loves these 13 things about Halloween

32. Carrie Lofty takes a tumble

33. Sassy Lucy is up for some games

34. Sparky Duck has a serious, heartbreaking TT

35. Harlekwin (who gave me this banner) celebrates the single life

36. Lisa shows us how she keeps busy

37. Titania Starrlight celebrates my favorite color

38. Sleeping Mommy loves the fall, and here's why

39. ellen b takes us to "the other side of the pond"



Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!


45 comments:

  1. Anonymous5:18 PM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. Wow, what a diverse list. I remember seeing Showgirls, somehow it just wasn't right. Thank God Screech didn't make a cameo!

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  3. Anonymous5:19 PM

    That is a bunch of stinkers. My list also contains Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes. OMG! That movie was just sad.

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  4. Anonymous6:06 PM

    Oh my Gosh! I have seen 8 of these. I love "the best of everthing" They turned that into a soap in the late 60's or very early 70's. Valley of the Dolls I love as well. Gee I must delight in bad movies too!...LOL
    Happy Halloween and T13!

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  5. Anonymous6:07 PM

    I've seen #2. Strange to think that it was quite highly regarded when it came out. Now it just seems silly.

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  6. Oooh, I love horrid movies. My two favourites are Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town and Rock'n'Roll Nightmare. I also had to add Attack of the Puppet People to my must view list. I should see if it's on netflix. :P

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  7. You listed some real howlers... I was laughing my ass off. One of the silliest lines in "The Best of Everything" is when Hope Lange says that if she's not married by 26, "she'll have to take a lover."

    Good call on "Glen or Glenda". Whenever I think of that movie, I hear Bela Lugosi saying, "pull the string...pull the string!"

    If you don't have it already, you should get the book "Bad Movies We Love". It's got some of the films you listed and a bunch of other clunkers.

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  8. Can you believe some movies???? LOL unbelievable!!!!

    Happy TT, mine's up!!! :)

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  9. I don't think I have ever seen these movies.

    :-)

    Happy TT!

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  10. I've never heard of some of those! But the ones I *have* heard of, I heartily agree with you about!

    Happy TT!

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  11. Funny list. You and I have similar tastes in bad films. LOL. Happy TT.

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  12. Good Lord .... my parents took me to see Valley of the Dolls when I was 5 or 6. I sorta almost remember it. But couldn't they have gotten a babysitter? Should a 6 year old be exposed to booze and dope and bad acting like that? LOL

    And yes, Showgirls was hideous. I concur. :)

    Good list! (Loved your song list too! That was some awful lyric-ing wasn't it??)

    Happy Thursday (sorta)

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  13. Great movies...I havent seen them all but the majority of them:) I loved Billy Jack. Happy TT.

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  14. Anonymous8:27 PM

    hey gal,
    A complete and thorough list that I know embarrassingly well. I would only add "Mr. Sardonicus" as it is Halloween. Since you've already had the knowledge and expertise to add an Ed Wood gem, you need not list "Plan 9 From Outer Space."
    Happy TT and Boo to You!
    your ol' pal

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  15. Heh, yeah there are some serious stinkers here. I donno about some of the horror ones, I mean, sometimes a really bad "B" movie is just what you need. Good medicine.

    http://moondancerdrake.livejournal.com

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  16. Like Nicole, I recall the Killer Tomatoes. Many of these titles my parents would refer to as examples of B movies or B experiences or B somethings. I know the titles more than the movies, and now I'm curious about what I'm missing.

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  17. Terrific Thursday Thirteen!
    My TT is posted.
    Have a wonderful day!
    Happy TT'ing!
    *^_^
    (=':'=)
    (")_ (")Å 
    Raggedy

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  18. I'm almost tempted to go dig up some of those movies . . . but not quite tempted enough. It reminds me of when I used to watch Mystery Science Theater 2000 with my friends in high school.

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  19. I love these "b" movies. My favorite is called "The Claw". Very scary, very campy. Great list!

    Happy TT!

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  20. Anonymous10:28 PM

    I guess I'm quite young to know these movies. But at least, now I have an idea of what they were.

    Thanks so much for sharing your list.

    Happy Thursday!

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  21. Have you seen "Water"? Trust me, it's bad - but the Concert for Cascara is worth the whole movie - and I won't tell you why, except it is as close to a Beatles reunion we ever had.

    The Pink Flamingo
    http://thepinkflamingo.blogharbor.com/blog

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  22. I've seen 1 and 13. Yes, showgirls..hmmm, I guess my favorite part would have to be where she kicks that guys ass for beating up her friend. The rest was crappy and tasteless.

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  23. Glen or Glenda was an interesting choice since most people say his other flick "Plan Nine From Outer Space" was the absolute worse film ever made.

    I am an avid Smithee Award show goer and most of theses films are not bad enough to make the list of nominations.

    And I like Sunshine Lollipops and Rainbows! Great song!

    My Thusday Thirteen is up. It is the 54th Edition. The topic this week, 13 Television Shows Spin-offs! Stop by if you get a chance. Oh and Happy NaNoWriMo!

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  24. Anonymous12:38 AM

    I don't think I have seen one but it sounds pretty interesting and I love classics except for the Showgirls since it's 1995:) So ,I might as well indulge myself to watching some of them! Great list you have here!
    Mine is up here;
    Thursday Thirteen
    Happy TT and Happy Halloween!

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  25. Ah, come on! Billy Jack on the bad movie list! Say it ain't so!

    Great list.

    My direct link is:

    http://cjreading.blogspot.com/2007/11/thursday-thirteen-12.html

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  26. Anonymous1:20 AM

    That is an excellent list. I'd love to see 'Attack of the Puppet People.' I've seen the black lagoon and a couple of the others--reading the list made me feel very nostalgic for "Mystery Science Theater 2000."

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  27. Anonymous3:56 AM

    I know that I've seen Valley of the Dolls and Showgirls, but blessedly I remember nothing specific from either of them. :)

    The line "I'm a woman! Fully growed! Front and back, is enough to make me want to sit through Tammy Tell Me True. *Grin*

    Happy TT

    ~X

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  28. what a great list of old stinkers...and your descriptions had me laughing out loud!

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  29. Great list of 13!! What a fun one.

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  30. Anonymous7:08 AM

    I think I've only seen one of the movies. I want to see the puppet master one now. Happy TT!

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  31. LOL I have seen 3 of those. Great List.

    Aline

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  32. Great TT. I only recognized a few of those movies.

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  33. Anonymous9:02 AM

    Valley of the Dolls! It's been years since I've seen that one. And Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. A classic!

    Smiles,
    Holly

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  34. The only one I've seen is Showgirls, and that was with massive amounts of vodka. A most excellent MST3K experience.

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  35. Interesting list...Valley of the Dolls and Showgirls I agree with...check out my T13 http://cafeendofuniverse.blogspot.com/

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  36. Ok, I have never heard of most of those, but something tells me that is a good thing. How was the Valley of the Dolls book, since I have it collecting dust on a shelf

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  37. doh forgot to hit subscribe

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  38. I know I could google this, but I'm going to ask you... was Patty Duke in Valley of the Dolls or am I thinking of another equally awful movie?

    Some of these were real clunkers. I couldn't agree more about "Showgirls" and one I would add is "The Queen of Blood" about an alien femme fatale whose blood would burn people like acid... it was just too weird.

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  39. I love Showgirls. It is just so bad I can't take my eyes from it.

    my list is up too!

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  40. You are so right. Those were all so...hmmmm... very corny. :o)

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  41. Anonymous12:21 PM

    Ahem. Should I be embarrassed that I've seen (and sat through!) most of these?

    Great list!

    Happy TT

    http://sleepingmommy.com/?p=400

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  42. Anonymous1:01 PM

    Happily I don't think I ever saw any of those. happy tt...

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  43. Anonymous2:53 PM

    You know, I don't remember much about the movie Billy Jack, but it must have impressed my in some way (I think I was 12) because when we moved and I was going through my record albums I discovered I owned the soundtrack to that movie. Strange indeed. Happy TT

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  44. I love bad movies; I've seen Showgirls and I can't bear to watch it ever again. I've also seen Valley of the Dolls and I guess I don't recall it being that horribly bad but then I can't really recall it.

    Happy TT.

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  45. Billy Jack! I haven't seen that one in AGES.

    Great list. HAPPY TT!
    Donica C

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