The Important Stuff of Life

Watching the Emmies instead of changing my shower curtain liner, these terribly important observations have occured to me …

It's not like Tom Cruise is an anti-Semitic, misogynistic, homophobic drunk driver or anything. OK, I happened to be home last year when Tom jumped on Oprah's sofa proclaiming his love for poor Katie Holmes. Seeing it live and unhyped, it completely creeped me out. (Though I thought Oprah was just as weird that morning, murmering, "The boy is gone!" over and over.) And the Brooke Shield thing was awful. And where is Baby Suri? All that said, this piling on really bothers me. It's my way. Once a cause is completely lost, I must support it. First Tom gets fired by Paramount because he's only made them one gazillion dollars when they hoped for three gazillion. Now tonight on the Emmies, the South Park boys show him coming out of the closet. Enough. Let's leave poor Maverick alone. And start aiming our bile at Mel Gibson, where it belongs.

Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart are perfect. No, really. They are.

Mariska Hargitay has outstanding shoulders. I wish I had her body, Debra Messing's face and Lindsay Wagner's voice. There. I believe I have constructed my perfect alternate self completely out of Emmy winners.

Steve Carell deserves all the praise he's finally getting. I just saw Little Miss Sunshine and he's poignant. Who knew?

Of all the Sheen men, Martin is still the only one I'd do. And I wish Jed Bartlett had been our president these past 6 years.

I never thought Seinfeld was funny. Nor anyone who ever appeared on it. So I really don't care that Julia Louis Dreyfuss' win tonight heralds the end of the Seinfeld Curse. I'm far more interested in "The Kotter Curse." The actor who played Horshak mentioned that on the THS or something. Except for Travolta, none of the Sweathogs are working. And yet somehow the academy still found people to award Emmies to!

Patrick Dempsey is the most gorgeous thing on the show. Of course, that's only because Hugh Jackman lost to Barry Manilow. (Wonder how well Barry would have done if there had been a swimsuit competition.)

I wonder if Mrs. Greg Maddux is happy. This has nothing to do with the Emmies, but it's on my mind anyway. Rumor has it Bruce Springsteen and his "Red Headed Woman," Patti Scialfa, have hit the skids. We already know that Heather Mills is about lose her title. I have long lusted after The Boss and have loved Sir Paul since I was 6 years old. My admiration/obsession/adoration of The Professor has increased with time, and if he was to become suddenly single right now, what a fantasy trifecta that would be!