Reg took Henry to two doctor's appointments this week. First time my friend -- who suffered a severe TBI in 2018 -- has seen a neurologist since 2019. Then Henry was checked by his GP, a nice man Henry trusts but is woefully unequipped to treat a case as complicated as my friend's.
The neurologist asked Henry 20 questions. Things like, what day is it, where do you work, etc. Henry got them all wrong. She found this very disturbing and wonders if Henry hasn't sustained further injury. She prescribed an MRI. Reg found this "disappointing." Apparently he wanted the neurologist to tell, by simply looking at Henry, what is wrong and how to fix it. A magic pill would be nice. She's not acting until she sees the MRI results.
The GP says Henry is not getting enough quality sleep and it makes it even harder for his damaged brain to function. Reg found this "disappointing," as well. Perhaps if Henry was under the care of a specialist trained in mental health -- like the psychologist this very GP recommended back in 2019 -- instead of giving immunizations and prescribing allergy meds, Reg would get a more satisfactory response.
You're probably wondering what the MRI revealed. I'm wondering that, too. No word. My best guess is that it hasn't been scheduled yet. Henry remains at home, befuddled, drinking white wine and watching reality TV.
Ever since Henry lost his job in April 2021, I have seen this coming. My friend needs structure. He needs to feel valued. He has been unraveling.
At Christmastime, the last time I spent considerable time with Henry, he
was angry and difficult, but he wasn't the wine-soaked zombie he has become. I
truly believe that, with care, this could have been mitigated.
Over the holidays I recommended that Reg involve Henry's minister, who could give him things to do within the congregation. The church has a meals-on-wheels program. Henry could help pack the meals or, if they are going to Spanish speaking homes, travel along for delivery because Spanish is his native tongue. Reg never bothered. He doesn't have time. He has a problem with organized religion. Yeah, whatever. If Reg had enlisted the help of the minister and congregation five months ago, maybe Henry would have more stimulation and his mind would not have devolved like this. At the very least, there would already be someone nearby who understands Henry and can help.
Their friend Patrick and I double-teamed Reg to make sure they got Obamacare beginning January 1. It's the second week in May! Why did Reg wait until now to get Henry help? And why isn't Henry in therapy, as recommended by the GP?
When Reg talks about this situation, it's always in terms of how hard it is for him. He'll have to take a day off work to take Henry to the MRI. It's so stressful to have a husband who is totally dependent.
Well, fuckety fuck fuck. Imagine how different life would be today if Henry was in the weekly care of psychologist, a PhD who understands brain injuries and would know the danger signs to look for. If he had a full neurological workup in 2021* -- a year ago! -- his medication likely would have been calibrated to reflect his evolving condition. If Henry spent Saturdays volunteering with his congregation, he'd be having conversations and contributing surrounded by people who understand his special situation.
The decision not to do any of these things was Reg's. And Reg's alone.
I believe with all my heart that when Henry has the MRI, the neurologist will accurately prescribe medication that will make a difference. Psychotropic medications are powerful and can have a real and lasting effect. I am confident I will get my dear friend back. And so I am trying to work through my rage.
Being mad at Reg doesn't help. Reg is Henry's husband. Reg and I should be aligned. We should be focused on Henry, and my temper is a distraction that won't help anything.
But oh, I am so angry right now. So very, very angry.
*I cut Reg slack for 2020. With South Florida hospitals overflowing with covid patients, it's completely understandable why Henry didn't have elective tests.
I get that Reg has pretty much failed Henry when it comes to managing health matters and am so sorry for that. But I have to ask, is Reg getting any help? Being a care giver takes its own toll and can leave a person feeling isolated, overwhelmed, and alone. He might benefit from a support group. He could gripe and let off some steam and resentment. He'd also probably find a lot of resources through one. And sometimes it just helps to not feel like he's not the only one. Reg dealing with his emotional issues could only benefit Henry.
ReplyDeleteOh, Stacy, you are 110% right! Reg does need help! We (Patrick and I) have both mentioned to him that he should seek counseling. I used the "on a plane you're supposed to put your oxygen mask on before you help your seatmate" metaphor and Patrick even offered to take care of the co-payment. Reg stubbornly will not do it. He says he's worried about what it will unearth about his childhood sexual abuse.
DeleteI was waiting for this. I was afraid there would be more tests, and no immediate "fix" that would make your friend Reg happy. Unfortunately, TBIs don't fix themselves in a few months like they do in Louise Penny's books. :-( Hopefully you can get your reaction to the situation under control, though I know it's tough when people you care about don't do things that would be beneficial. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteYou have a right to your anger and frustration. You love them and you can't help them. All you can do is keep trying. Maybe they can get some help from the Social Services?
ReplyDeleteHopefully this will lead to more baby steps in the right direction. Maybe some answers. I admire the friend you are.
ReplyDeleteIt's frustrating and heartbreaking to witness. I hope both Henry and Reg get the help they need, each in their own ways. You are a loving friend, Gal.
ReplyDelete