The sky is clear and blue. The mercury is grazing 70ยบ. The sun is bright. I downloaded my favorite Bob Dylan song ("Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts") onto my iPod, so life is good, right?
At times. If I can just stay in the moment. If I can just keep concentrating on the here and now of this sunny Sunday, I'm happy.
I'm wrestling with whether or not I currently have a career or just a job. I miss my best friend, who is moving and I feel so desolate and vulnerable without him. My mom's health is deteriorating in small but inexorable ways. Bird flu. Iraq. The Cubs have lost 5 games straight, and this 6th isn't looking too promising, either.
Two friends told me (independently, as they barely know each other and couldn't have compared notes) that they are worried about me, and that I should remember how many people I have in my life who care about me.
They're right. I have a hearty network of friends and I am grateful for them. And the sunshine. And cold beer when I'm watching baseball. And how adorable my cats are.
If only I can stay in the moment, if I can avoid worrying about tomorrow and Tuesday and Wednesday and beyond, if I can actually feel the good things that surround me, I'm happy. Focus, focus, focus. Don't let this moment slip away without enjoying it.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Friday, May 05, 2006
I will not obsess; I will not obsess; I will not obsess
Clinique has discontinued the ONE PRODUCT that helps me win in my ongoing battle against adult acne: Quick Clearing Pads with Salicylic Acid. Naturally this filled me with dread. What happens when I run out?
So I've started buying it up. I got the last 50-pad tub they had at Carson's. Then I started looking online -- Sephora.com and Gloss.com both still have it. For now. But for how long? I have become obsessed with scoring as many tubs as I can. I've got 10 in my cabinet now, with 3 more on the way via mail order. Since this should be enough to carry me almost completely through 2008, perhaps I should stop now. But can I? (I haven't checked eBay yet ...)
This is only my most recent health/beauty obsession. I noticed that Nice and Easy is phasing in new packaging and my color (Natural Reddish Blonde #108) still appears on store shelves in the old box. At Osco, CVS and Walgreen's. Could it mean that (gasp) I'm soon going to have to shop around for a new shade? So I started buying. And buying. I have enough to keep my in titian locks through spring and summer and into fall. My stock piling may have made a difference, making room on store shelves for the new, redesigned #108 carton.
Neither of these buying sprees can hold a candle to my response when Elizabeth Taylor discontinued her Black Pearls scent.
Yes, I feel silly. Of course I know this is frivolous. But I'm soooooo insecure about my looks, and when I find something that works for me, I cling to it as if it were a lifeline. And I'm not alone. When I had eBay as a client, they told me that at first, when they were still just a fledgling online auction site, their most popular auctions were for Beanie Babies, and recently discontinued shades of nail polish.
So I've started buying it up. I got the last 50-pad tub they had at Carson's. Then I started looking online -- Sephora.com and Gloss.com both still have it. For now. But for how long? I have become obsessed with scoring as many tubs as I can. I've got 10 in my cabinet now, with 3 more on the way via mail order. Since this should be enough to carry me almost completely through 2008, perhaps I should stop now. But can I? (I haven't checked eBay yet ...)
This is only my most recent health/beauty obsession. I noticed that Nice and Easy is phasing in new packaging and my color (Natural Reddish Blonde #108) still appears on store shelves in the old box. At Osco, CVS and Walgreen's. Could it mean that (gasp) I'm soon going to have to shop around for a new shade? So I started buying. And buying. I have enough to keep my in titian locks through spring and summer and into fall. My stock piling may have made a difference, making room on store shelves for the new, redesigned #108 carton.
Neither of these buying sprees can hold a candle to my response when Elizabeth Taylor discontinued her Black Pearls scent.
Yes, I feel silly. Of course I know this is frivolous. But I'm soooooo insecure about my looks, and when I find something that works for me, I cling to it as if it were a lifeline. And I'm not alone. When I had eBay as a client, they told me that at first, when they were still just a fledgling online auction site, their most popular auctions were for Beanie Babies, and recently discontinued shades of nail polish.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
And, God help me, I enjoyed it!
Yesterday I went to Marshall Field's to check out the petite career wear sales racks. New season + new job search = new suit. Was very happy with the black w/white and red pinstripe Anne Klein number I found. Less because of the suit itself (they always kinda make me feel like I'm wearing a Halloween costume) but because I got it for almost 50% off.
I went to pay and the associate was busy refolding and rehanging clothes from the fitting room. A friend of hers -- male, and also a Field's employee but from another department -- took over her register and rang me up. He complimented my choice and told me how great the jacket would look as a separate. "With jeans and a slutty blouse."
At first I was taken aback. "Slutty" is not your typical Field's associate adjective. Plus he seemed so straight and I wasn't expecting to get fashion tips from him. But then I got thinking about it. This 20-something thinks I can carry off a "slutty" blouse. I know it was an inappropriate comment, but instead of insulting me, it actually put a little spring in my step for the rest of the day.
I went to pay and the associate was busy refolding and rehanging clothes from the fitting room. A friend of hers -- male, and also a Field's employee but from another department -- took over her register and rang me up. He complimented my choice and told me how great the jacket would look as a separate. "With jeans and a slutty blouse."
At first I was taken aback. "Slutty" is not your typical Field's associate adjective. Plus he seemed so straight and I wasn't expecting to get fashion tips from him. But then I got thinking about it. This 20-something thinks I can carry off a "slutty" blouse. I know it was an inappropriate comment, but instead of insulting me, it actually put a little spring in my step for the rest of the day.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Self Talk
Where did my discipline go?
When I was in my 30s, I used to work out 5x a week (alternating between cardio and machines). Now I am filled with self loathing because I can barely squeeze 10,000 steps a day. (And my size 12 shape is an unfortunate reflection of this.)
When I was in my 30s, I volunteered at two animals shelters (onsite in one, doing the newsletter for another). Since the Kerry campaign ended, all my contributions to the common good are by check.
When I was in my 30s, I could limit myself to one caffeinated beverage a day, regardless of the day's stress level or workload. Now there's a Red Bull or Classic Coke in my hand at all times.
I tell myself that I'm not as hard on myself as I once was. I remind myself that as I got older and my paychecks increased, so did my responsibilities, so I can't be expected to live at Bally's anymore. And in my head I hear Jeff Goldblum from The Big Chill:
"Don't knock rationalization. Where would we be without it? I don't know anyone who'd get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They're more important than sex. Have you ever gone a week without a rationalization?"
When I was in my 30s, I used to work out 5x a week (alternating between cardio and machines). Now I am filled with self loathing because I can barely squeeze 10,000 steps a day. (And my size 12 shape is an unfortunate reflection of this.)
When I was in my 30s, I volunteered at two animals shelters (onsite in one, doing the newsletter for another). Since the Kerry campaign ended, all my contributions to the common good are by check.
When I was in my 30s, I could limit myself to one caffeinated beverage a day, regardless of the day's stress level or workload. Now there's a Red Bull or Classic Coke in my hand at all times.
I tell myself that I'm not as hard on myself as I once was. I remind myself that as I got older and my paychecks increased, so did my responsibilities, so I can't be expected to live at Bally's anymore. And in my head I hear Jeff Goldblum from The Big Chill:
"Don't knock rationalization. Where would we be without it? I don't know anyone who'd get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They're more important than sex. Have you ever gone a week without a rationalization?"
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Hardware Stores: The Land that Time Forgot
I know nothing about home improvement. I am the least handy person on the face of the planet. I am fine with this. But every once in a while, even I must go to the hardware store. And it always fills me with dread.
We have two hardware stores here in town. They both smell the same (that identical dark, musty, "you're in a hardware store" scent). Neither one is well lit. They both have a very eclectic mix of products (smoke detectors, Crayola crayons, vacuum cleaner bags, bike locks, etc.). Neither seems to have been touched by time -- I expect to see Andy and Barney wandering the aisles along with me.
And I hate asking for help in both stores.
In the first store, I'm "Little Lady." The store manager smiles too wide, talks a little too loud, and pretty much treats me as though I'm brave but benighted. Poor thing, all alone, no man to help her navigate the world of hardware.
In the second one, I'm invisible. I don't know enough, and I'm not going to spend enough, to bother with. The store clerk wordlessly pressed the replacement toilet flapper in my hand and then returned to his conversation with a coworker.
So what's worse -- to be condescended to, or ignored? And is this unique to hardware stores? Are there other establishments which seem determined to make their customers feel not worthy?
We have two hardware stores here in town. They both smell the same (that identical dark, musty, "you're in a hardware store" scent). Neither one is well lit. They both have a very eclectic mix of products (smoke detectors, Crayola crayons, vacuum cleaner bags, bike locks, etc.). Neither seems to have been touched by time -- I expect to see Andy and Barney wandering the aisles along with me.
And I hate asking for help in both stores.
In the first store, I'm "Little Lady." The store manager smiles too wide, talks a little too loud, and pretty much treats me as though I'm brave but benighted. Poor thing, all alone, no man to help her navigate the world of hardware.
In the second one, I'm invisible. I don't know enough, and I'm not going to spend enough, to bother with. The store clerk wordlessly pressed the replacement toilet flapper in my hand and then returned to his conversation with a coworker.
So what's worse -- to be condescended to, or ignored? And is this unique to hardware stores? Are there other establishments which seem determined to make their customers feel not worthy?
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