I think this a GOOD thing

Update on my friend, Kathy -- the one whose life completely got away from her and she ended up broke, unemployed and crashing with her daughter's family (and her daughter's house is being foreclosed upon sometime this summer).

I have done what I can to help her -- primarily finding a good, temporary home for her two cats until she finds somewhere permanent to live. Her two gray tabbies are being fostered by the animal shelter where I adopted my cat, Reynaldo, in exchange for Kathy volunteering her time. The cats get to stay together, are well cared for in terms of food and vet attention, and get time out of their cages every day so they get exercise. Plus Kathy helped with the shelter's rummage sale and will handle other projects for them, so she doesn't feel she's accepting charity. In all, I think this was the happiest circumstance we could have hoped for.

I had breakfast with Kathy yesterday and was encouraged by the change in her attitude. Up until now, she was simply overwhelmed. I completely understood that. She was in dire circumstances herself and was worried about her daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren. That must have been terrifying.

What I didn't understand, though, was her point-of-view on her situation. She kept saying that she ended up this way "through no fault" of her own. Or, "I know there's no one to blame here." I wanted to slap her, a la Cher, and shout, "Snap out of it!"

She knew her real estate business was going nowhere for more than a year. She must have spent many a sleepless night crunching numbers, knowing how much debt and how few assets she had left. She let it get far, far too bad before she abandoned ship and got an administrative assistant job which, by all accounts, didn't perform well at. While I have nothing but compassion for her, and realize we are capable of making very bad decisions, I also try to have at least one foot in reality at all times. If these circumstances are not her fault, whose fault are they? And as long as she feels like a victim of what life has handed her, what hope does she have of turning it around?

But yesterday she actually said, "I know I screwed up." In her follow-up email this morning, she mentioned how important it was for her to get her cats back because "they trusted me and I let them down." I don't think it's a coincidence that, now that she has accepted some responsibility for what's happened, that she feels empowered enough to plan.

She has gotten a job laying out ads for a suburban newspaper. She wants to get back into writing, and this is a wonderful first step. She realizes that while she has a free roof over her head and free food for the next few months, she has to maintain her own cell phone, car payments and health/auto insurance. She's also using this opportunity to get a little ahead so that, when her daughter's family rents a house, she can rent an apartment and be independent again. I was so happy to hear all this!

I'm not saying that we should all spend hours beating ourselves up for our faults and missteps. I also realize that Kathy is not responsible for escalating health costs and a real estate market that crashed around her. But when you're a complete victim of circumstance, then you don't have any power to improve your own lot. I believe we must OWN our lives, must admit our responsibility and then we must try to shape what we can. That's what she's doing now, and it makes me very happy.