The "Moral Leader" Question

It didn't bother me that John Edwards took about 20 seconds to answer the question about his "moral leader" in Thursday night's debate. After giving it thought, Edwards answered that he didn't have just one moral leader, that he looked to his Lord, his wife Elizabeth, and his father.

I've considered it, too, and my answer would be my Lord, my mom, and his wife Elizabeth.

I cannot overstate the impact her book Saving Graces had on me. Searingly, scorchingly honest about her agony after the death of her son, Elizabeth Edwards generously shared what she learned -- that we need one another, and we should graciously offer and accept support and strength from those around us.

I read her book over the holidays, before her cancer returned but just in time for me to deal with a family crisis. I'm one of those women who is used to being "the strong one." This past January I was confronted with a situation that taxed my strength.

My uncle's wife died. Her death in and of itself didn't disturb me because, to be honest, I never really liked her. But my uncle has Parkinson's Disease, and because of his advanced symptoms, the wake was going to be exceptionally difficult for him. He's a proud man and since I love him, my place was with him, offering support to him and my mom.

However, the relative who molested me when I was a girl would be there. too. A pillar of the church, he's always front and center at these things. Even though he must be 80 by now, he still takes every inappropriate opportunity to make me skin-crawlingly uncomfortable about what he did -- and got away with.

My oldest friend knew how expensive this would be for me. She said she was coming with me and sticking by my side. "He'll have to get past me to talk to you." My first response was, "No, that's OK. You don't have to." She reiterated the offer and I thought, Why not? Why not accept "solace and strength" (Mrs. Edwards' phrase) from someone I've known since Kindergarten, someone I've supported countless times? So she accompanied me. I was able to hug all who needed hugging, stand by all who needed someone to lean on, and the moment my molester appeared, slip out the side door with some excuse about my friend's family obligations.

I was so grateful my oldest friend was there for me. She literally made it bearable. It also made her happy to reverse our roles a bit, and to show respect to my mother and uncle, two people who played a role in her growing up, as well as mine. It hadn't occurred to me might be empowering for her.

That's what I learned from the wise and gracious and giving Elizabeth Edwards: that we strengthen our connections to those around us by receiving as well as by giving.

I don't know why this particular book touched me so deeply, but I'm grateful it came into my life when it did.