Neither John nor my oldest friend seems to care much that we aren't getting along. John appears content to walk with a cane, drink too much, and watch his life get smaller and smaller due to financial and mobility issues. Sure, it makes him hostile, but not uncomfortable enough to change anything. I don't like watching him, and I don't like the way he snaps at me.
My oldest friend finally answered my Thursday email ... late Sunday night. Her reasons for not getting back to me were chaotic and not wholly convincing. She's making doctor's appointments and having tests and getting her ID renewed and fighting with her bank ... Like any one of those things isn't over by 7:00 PM. I appreciate that her life is a mess right now, but think about it: How late have you ever stood in line at the DMV or the bank? What's the latest your doctor ever phoned with test results? That means her April and May evenings have been spent doing things with people she prioritizes over me.
So I get it. They are each more important to me than I am to them. This realization hurts me a great deal since they are part of my life: John and I have been friends since 1979, she and I were Kindergarten classmates in 1963.
But this death by a million cuts thing, this waiting for either of them to "come back" and be who they were once were to me, is painful, too. And so I'm doing my own re-prioritizing, reshuffling the deck, if you will, and trying to become less dependent on them.
I'm not ending these friendships. That would be too drastic and too unnecessary. After all, this isn't 5th grade. If my oldest friend ever does get around to calling me and a game isn't on,* I'll pick up and won't let it go to voicemail. And John's birthday is next month. I have his gift here and will celebrate with him.
But I'm going to consciously allow this distance between us to grow. It won't be easy, because they each hold so many of my best memories. But I'm tired of feeling like the ugly girl at closing time, hoping they'll notice me.
I will miss them. But I miss them now, too, already. Here's a quote my friend Patrick posted on Facebook. It's very wise.
From now on, I'm going to celebrate the people who value me, and not concentrate on the ones who seem to regard nurturing our friendship as something to mark off their "to-do" lists. At least I'm going to try to.
Just why the fuck did they both have pull this at the same time? Ah, life's imponderables!
*Remember, it took her three days to scratch out a one paragraph email response, so I won't feel guilty for putting Rizzo above her.
I love that quote. So true. I have the same kind of stuff going on with family members who I dearly love, but ultimately, we teach people how to treat us. If we allow all people to ignore and mistreat us and don't put up boundaries for keep ourselves healthy and whole, we get what we deserve. I am glad you are taking steps to protect yourself. Have a good week.
ReplyDeleteI know it's tough. Here's a poem that really helped me a while ago.
ReplyDeleteA Reason, A Season, A Lifetime” by Brian A. “Drew” Chalker
People come into your life for a reason, a
season, or a lifetime. When you figure out
which one it is, you will know what to do
for each person.
When someone is in your
life for a REASON…it is usually to meet
a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a
difficulty, to provide you with guidance and
support, to aid you physically, emotionally,
or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend,
and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part,
or at an inconvenient time, this person will
say or do something to bring the relationship
to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they
walk away. Sometimes they act up and force
you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been
met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered.
And now it is time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON…
it is because your turn has come to share, grow,
or learn. They bring you an experience of peace,
or make you laugh. They may teach you something
you have never done. They usually give you an
unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real!
But, only for a season.
Oops....I think the last verse got cut off.
ReplyDeleteLIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid
emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person, and put what you have learned to use
in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
This will be hard, but boundaries are helpful. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. It's like with an airplane; if you don't put your own oxygen mask on first, you can't help somebody else. Breathe deep, Gal.
ReplyDelete