I want my best friend. I know he's busy. The worst kind of busy in advertising -- backfilling to avoid write-offs. It's a critical time of year for account executives and I know he feels vulnerable. I also understand that he's juggling a ton of afterschool activities. His oldest daughter is a jock, the younger girl is an artist, and they often have competing events. I respect how hard he works to support them both and not show favorites.Which is why I feel immature and bratty for being jealous that he doesn't have time for me right now. He has a way of making me feel like it's OK to put myself first. I know my oldest friend is suffering (see below) and I keep checking Expedia to see what it would cost to go out there for her birthday in December.* $1000 to $1200.
I just got my first raise in four years. I have been helping my mom (ongoing) and my friend in the Keys (short-term; he got another job already!). I was hoping to pay down some debt with the raise, not travel 2000 miles for a "vacation" that will be anything but. The thing of it is, though, my oldest friend made it clear on Monday that she doesn't have anyone else but me.
My best friend and I talked about this last month, before her life went so wildly off the tracks again, and his comment was, "For what it's worth, I don't see going to see her as a vacation. You need R&R, not some epic drama on crack."
I will be 54 in less than 30 days. I need to take saving for retirement seriously when I'm still earning. I don't have anyone who will take care of me in my dotage.
I had a scary summer and surgery. I'm still wearing elastic waistbands. I get tired so easily and am battling killer headaches. I DON'T WANT TO GO TO OUT THERE to sit around a darkened apartment with a trio of dysfunctional chainsmokers. (I'm not kidding -- when I was out there last year all we did was eat carry out, like Dominoes. I had to insist we at least go to In'n'Out Burger.)
But her problems are so huge and her pain is so great. Does that trump my best interests?
I don't think so. But I feel so guilty. That's why I need him. When my best friend tells me to put myself first, it's because I am as important to HIM as SHE is to ME, and therefore it doesn't seem as selfish.
*Yes, she's supposed to come to Chicago next month for MY birthday, just as she was supposed to come in for my surgery, but we know that's not gonna happen because she can't leave those two kids in her home alone overnight. She won't come to that realization until the last minute, though. So we just have to let this tortured process take it's course.
If you go out there out of obligation, it's going to show. Your oldest friend will know that you don't want to be there and that won't be fair to either of you.
ReplyDeleteI don't know an alternative, unless maybe the two of you figure out how to meet somewhere inbetween. Probably a long shot but I, like your best friend, think going to CA for your oldest friend will end up being a mistake.
i think the "best friend" has the best advise.
ReplyDeletestay home take care of yourself. nothing will change with the friend in California...and you going out there is a waste of time, money and most of all energy.
it may sound heartless but she has problems that "she" can only solve and it is clear she enables her son and until she "gets it" nothing you or anyone else recommends will work.
her son knows she is all talk, so he uses her to make himself feel justified.
It is a sad way of life...but it is her life and she has created it because she doesn't have the back bone to be a responsible parent.
some folks just like to live in the drama of their little world...because they don't have the desire to "take the hard road".
sorry but i care about you and hate to see you take on her problems.
I think your best friend is right, you need to put yourself first. I understand the guilt, though.
ReplyDelete