April Challenge -- Day 4

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10 Interesting Things About Yourself.

Are these interesting? You be the judge.

1) Classic Arizona Birkenstocks (the two buckle style) are the best shoe for me because the heel well provides essential support after my plantar fascitis and the strap covers my bunion. (That sentence made me feel so old.)

2) I am age obsessed. Every once in a while, apropos of nothing, I find myself thinking, "Shit! I'm 60!"

3) I never cried when my mother died. I don't know why. I certainly do miss her.

4) I wonder if I would like me if I met me.

5)  Between November and April, my back itches soooooo much! I think it's because the heat in my home is so drying. Every morning, when I get out of the shower, I reach for the Vaseline Moisturizing Spray. I live in terror that Vaseline with discontinue it, and I will spend all next winter rubbing my back up against door frames. 

6) The Way We Were is my favorite movie, and here's my favorite line: "Wouldn't it be lovely if we were old? If we'd survived all this?" When times are tough, I often imagine myself looking back on them.

7) Again with the movies: Every day I try to be a little more Melly and a little less Scarlett.

8) There's a lot about baseball I love, but near the top of the list is this: no sudden death overtime. Just extra innings. Everyone gets the same number of outs. Baseball is so symmetrical, so fair. Life should be more like baseball.

9) Whenever I go outside during daylight hours, I look at the sky. Even on rainy days. The sky comes in so many colors and I love them all.
 

10) I wish I didn't get so disappointed in my friends. I wonder if the fault isn't mine. Maybe I expect too much and I'm not fair.

If you're interested in seeing the April Challenge prompts and joining in, click here.

WWW.WEDNESDAY

WWW. WEDNESDAY asks three questions to prompt you to speak bookishly. To participate, and to see how other book lovers responded, click here. 

1. What are you currently reading? American Heiress: The Wild Saga of the Kidnapping,Crimes and Trials of Patty Hearst by Jeffrey Toobin. I have never known what to make of Patty Hearst. After she was kidnapped, did she willingly join her captors and engage in domestic terrorism? They say she did. Or was she frightened for her life during their entire 19 months together? She says she was.

Jeffrey Toobin is familiar to me for his work as a CNN legal analyst. He writes well. The book is told chronologically, including many details about the long ago 1970s that put the kidnapping in context. Post-Watergate, pre-internet America was such a different place than it is now. Our attitudes and concerns were so different, so was the way we processed information. So far, Toobin is effective at setting the scene and establishing the cast of characters of this incredible real-life drama.

2. What did you recently finish reading? Love the One You're With by Emily Giffin. I wish I could recommend this book. Giffin writes well and gave me some moments that were so compelling I felt like I was right there with our heroine, Ellen, as she tried to decide between her husband, Andy, and that ex she just can't forget, Leo.

Yet I ultimately found the book annoying because of the characters. It literally took Ellen pages to think of something about her celebrity photo shoot that occurred to me almost instantly, and I'm not that bright. Neither of the men is very well drawn: Andy is simply too good (and a little too simple) to be true, Leo is a rather obvious "bad boy." 

In short, I enjoyed it while I was reading it -- the dialog and the descriptive passages are that good -- but then later, when I thought about what I just read, I thought, "What the hell?"

3.  What will you read next? Maybe another biography? Or a mystery. My TBR pile is stacked dauntingly high with both.  

 

A man died on this date

Sometimes when men become martyrs, we forget that they were once men. Last Christmas, when I was changing planes in ATL, I discovered an exhibit devoted to Dr. Martin Luther King. It was this collection of everyday items that most touched my heart: The 60's-era transistor radio he carried, the wristwatch he wore, and his reading glasses.

I'll let smarter people say more eloquent things about Dr. King on the 50th anniversary of his death. I just want anyone who sees this today to remember that 50 years ago today, a man was gunned down on a balcony. And that was a tragedy.

April Challenge -- Day 3

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Your first love.

February 1964. My mother told me that I said, "He's so pretty, it hurts to look." I still feel that way. The lyric helps, too. "Close your eyes and I'll kiss you/tomorrow I'll miss you/remember, I'll always be true." I was six years old, and this was a little girl's vision of perfect love. I have seen no reason to reassess.

I memorably saw him perform this live. It was in the hot summer of 2011 at Wrigley Field. Yes, Wrigley Field! The home of my Chicago Cubs! It was one of life's perfect moments.

If you're interested in seeing the April Challenge prompts and joining in, click here.

April Challenge -- Day 2

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Your earliest memory.

The sun is shining. I'm looking down at my hand, pressing it on the red and white ottoman. I'm trying to steady myself. According to my mom, I was about a year old. We moved just months after my first birthday, and that ottoman didn't make the move.

Most adults really don't remember anything before the age of 6 (unless there was a trauma), so I have questioned the veracity of this memory many times. It's weird because I remember just that -- nothing before and nothing after. Just that flash, that little moment in time.

But here's what clinches it for me: there are no color photos of that old living room, so if I didn't remember, how do I know the ottoman was red?

If you're interested in seeing the April Challenge prompts and joining in, click here.

Sunday Stealing

Thought Provoking Questions

1. What Are Three Things You Need To Buy? 1) Another bra. I discovered a brand/size I like, and now I want one in another color. Beige? Rose? 2) New undies. 3) I'm running low on sweet relish.


2. My Biggest Hope Is________. Maintaining my independence for the rest of my life.

3. What Was The Last New Thing You Tried? I had lunch in a new restaurant. I'm glad I did. My ham/cheese panini was delicious and gooey.

                       
4. What Mood Were You In Today? It's Easter Sunday and I just got back from church. I feel hopeful and grateful.

5. What would be a better name for the color of goldenrod-colored paper? I see no reason to change the name.

6. Where did you get your silverware? Most of it, I bought. Some of it I inherited from my icky grandmother.

7. What artifact from this past week would you have bronzed as a keepsake and heirloom? I had a fortune cookie with my egg foo young yesterday. It said, "Your plans will come to fruition." That would be nice.


8. What was the most recent ceremony you attended? Easter morning service.

9. What east Asian cuisine is good for your Seoul? Something egg-y. Egg foo young, egg drop soup.

10. What life lesson did you learn the hard way? We can't change people.    

11. What do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago? Exercising


12. What gets you excited about life? The Cubs! (2-1)

13. Have you done anything lately worth remembering? I want to always remember my interactions with Napoleon and his humans, Caleb and Randi. I have learned so much about how some of my neighbors are living.


14. What does your joy look like today? My fur family is happy and healthy.

15. When you are 80-years-old, what will matter to you the most? I hope I will be able to take joy in the little things: walks in the sun, listening to the Beatles, watching the Cubs. Maybe by then, the other distractions will be boiled away and I can focus on the lovely little moments.

Happy Easter from Me and the Lads

In 2012, London hosted The Big Egg Hunt. Oversized fiberglass eggs were decorated and hidden throughout the city. According to the Guinness Book of Records, this was the biggest Easter Egg hunt ever held, with 12,000 participating.

On Easter, the eggs were brought together in Covent Garden and then auctioned off, raising more than $900,000 for charity.

April Challenge -- Day 1

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Five problems with social media.

1) It can be competitive. I don't like myself when I'm competitive. And yet, on my birthday, I look to see how many Facebook birthday wishes I received, concentrating on the number of messages rather than what they say.

2) It celebrates the superficial. When people post mundane stuff -- like the laundry detergent they use or what's included in their brown bag lunch -- they get ripped for being self involved or (worse) boring. So instead, we all post about the glam stuff. Let's take a peek at the FB page of my former coworker, Doreen. Because her husband is partner in a law firm with offices in both Chicago and New York, she has apartments (beautiful condos) in both Chicago and Brooklyn. In March she posted about her boxing lessons at a trendy Manhattan gym, posed with bagpipes on St. Patrick's Day at a chic fundraiser for the FDNY, and had lunch along the Potomac with girlfriends (a quick getaway to DC). Now, I could ask myself if all this makes her happy, or I could just be happy for her. Instead, I hate how dingy my life looks next to hers. Thanks, Facebook.

3) Disinformation. We all know about the political shenanigans, but really, it's everything:

•  There's been a Facebook post going around for years that claims Goodwill pays their CEO, Mark Curran, $2.3 million/year. It's simply not true. Their CEO is Jim Gibbons, he makes a fraction of that, and Charity Watch gives Goodwill an A rating.

•  A guy on Twitter claims to be actor, stuntman and "Hollywood Bad Boy" Stephen Oliver. Mr. Oliver died in 2008. I busted him for this, and he responded by blocking me. Aside from wondering why anyone would impersonate such a little-known actor, I wonder about the real Mr. Oliver's family and friends. Does he have their permission to spout opinions under this guise?

4) Bullying. 

5) The whole rabbit hole/time suck thing.

I didn't say more about 4 and 5 because they are obvious and, well, why waste time explaining why it's bad to waste time online?

If you're interested in seeing the April Challenge prompts and joining in, click here.

Join the April Challenge

Thanks to Kwizgiver for the nudge ... and the graphics!

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: Easter Parade ("In Your Easter Bonnet") (1948)

1) This song is about a special Easter hat to be worn with your "Sunday best." Will you be getting dressed up this weekend? I'll wear something appropriate to church. "Appropriate" is the best you can ever expect of me.

2) Judy Garland's partner in this movie was supposed to be Gene Kelly, but he was unavailable because he broke his ankle playing volleyball. Have you ever lost a big opportunity because of a medical issue? No. The closest I came was when I broke the little finger of my right hand on a Saturday night when I was starting my first-ever, 40 hour/week job on Monday. I was playing volleyball in the indoor pool at the apartment complex where my uncle lived. My finger bent back and, without thinking, I just popped it back. It never really hurt, but it did get massively swollen and felt hot to the touch. The first few weeks at work, I had to be careful when I hit the letter "a." (If you're a touch typist, you know what I mean.) I still have a bump to remind me. A doctor told me once the only to fix is to break it again. No, thank you.

3) Garland later confessed that, at first, she would have preferred Kelly because she knew him well and was intimidated by Fred Astaire. By the end of filming, she found she enjoyed Astaire a great deal. Can you think of a friend with whom you had a rocky relationship at the beginning? Nope.

 
4) This song was inspired by New York City's Easter Parade. Does your community host a similar event? No. But my town does have an Easter egg hunt today for kids between the ages of 3 and 10. It's B-Y-O-B (bring your own basket).

5) The biggest chocolate Easter egg was made in Italy, measured 34 feet tall and weighed a staggering 15,000 lbs. Do you thinks it's possible to have too much chocolate? Yes. If I eat too much chocolate I just feel sluggish ... and mad at my complete lack of self discipline.

6) Jelly beans are also popular this time of year. A 2013 poll tells us that red is by far the favorite jelly bean color, with yellow a distant second. Do you have a preference? Just not black licorice. I hate black licorice.

7) We've been talking a lot about sweets this morning. The only holiday that generates more candy sales is Halloween. When do you eat more candy: Easter or Halloween? Halloween.

8) Easter is considered the season of rebirth. What makes you feel refreshed or rejuvenated? I reach for the shampoo bottle! A nice shower and clean hair make me happy.

9)  This year, April Fool's Day happens to coincide with Easter Sunday. Do you expect to fall victim to any pranks this weekend? No. Please, no. I really don't care for practical jokes.

Hope it's good for what ails her

I saw Napoleon today! For the first time in nearly two weeks! He looks happy, hale and hearty. His humans, on the other hand ... 

His mother was rushed back to the hospital. She was bleeding from her nose, and internally, and she had very a high temperature. It was not because of cancer -- she had a total hysterectomy and the doctors believe they got it all. Instead it was "a retained surgical item." Her surgeons left a sponge inside of her!

I don't know all the details, only what Caleb told me on a busy street corner. But as I understand it, the goal is to get her healthy enough to undergo another surgery when they retrieve the sponge.

I know Napoleon's people are indigent. But poor people are still people. This shouldn't happen to anyone.

She's resting at home and, according to Caleb, planning to sue the hospital. He thinks this is silly. I don't think she's wrong. What happened to her is inexcusable.

Their landlord is giving them shit. "When is she going back to work?" and "Can you make the rent without her working?" The money Caleb makes driving a forklift overnight is enough to make their rent. But they need the money Randi made sweeping at the salon, as well as their panhandling money, to pay for food and meds. "Now that it's getting warmer,maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be back by the river," he said sadly. They had been living in a tent by the river for most of last year.

"Wouldn't having you pay him (the landlord) something be better an having an empty room and no rent?" I asked.

"He likes money," Caleb said. "It's changed him." Since it's an illegal rental, it's not like these struggling tenants have any recourse to protect them.

Caleb is tired and in some discomfort, too. I wasn't following exactly what was wrong, but he can't miss any work and he has to make money on the street corners. He simply has to.

On my way back from lunch, I stopped at CVS and checked out what was on sale. I picked up a can of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup (88¢) and a box of saltines (99¢) and a $10 gift card. I told him to pretend it's an Easter basket.

"Sometimes, when a girl is sick, chicken soup is just what she wants," I said. I told him he might want to use the gift card for Advil for his own aches and pains.

At the very least, Caleb will have a quick, nutritious and free snack before he goes to work tonight. And Randi will know I asked about her.

It's Easter weekend. I had to do something. God is watching all the time, of course, but it's Easter. I suspect this little family has been placed in my path for a reason. 

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Thursday was Opening Day. The Cubs played the Marlins in Miami. At 12:35 PM (EST), it had the earliest start time of any game in the league. When the Marlins' pitcher made his first pitch at 12:43, it was the first pitch of the 2018 MLB season.

When Cubs' lead off man Ian Happ hit it out of the park, it was the first homerun of the 2018 MLB season.

How perfect is that? A Cub player got a homerun on the first pitch of the year!

Amazingly, it got more perfect from there. My favorite-most Cub, first baseman Anthony Rizzo, is a Florida native. A graduate of Stoneman Douglas High School, the site of the deadly Valentine's Day school shooting. After the tragic event, he left spring training to spend time with the traumatized students of his alma mater. And on Opening Day, to show support for the kids, he persuaded the Cubs players to wear official Stoneman Douglas t-shirts on the field during warm-up.

He also earned the ire of The Breitbart Crowd with his support of the activist students. "I think it's amazing these kids are standing up for what they believe in. They are motivating everyone to register to vote, which is amazing. That's a powerful way to get your voice heard, to go out and vote. They're holding the throttle down on all those politicians, holding them accountable. It's just unbelievable how the entire nation is rallying around them." Naturally, the gun fetishists attacked him in the comments section.

I bet Rizz knows better than to look at it. But if he did, he answered them perfectly. 

With a homer of his own.

I love when life imitates art, and a baseball game is like a scene out of The Natural.

So Why Did It Take Four Calls and 24 Hours?

Terrified. Weepy. Furious. My moods swung like mad last Monday, and all those moods were passionate. My doctor was supposed to get back to me with my test results, and my next steps, once she reviewed the lab report.

I took Monday off as a Personal Day because I didn't want to discuss my health in open forum. We have what is euphemistically called "open seating," which means there's no privacy whatsoever. If I had bad news, I didn't want an audience.

So I spent Monday waiting to talk to my doctor. Waiting for a conversation she and I never had. And that left me bubbling over with anger.

I got up Monday, took a shower, and called my doctor's office. It was about 10:15. The receptionist said that either the doctor or Gwen, her nurse, would call me back as soon as my results were available.

Around 11:00, Nurse Gwen called and said, "It says here there was blood but no infection, so don't worry."

"But the doctor told me that infection was the most likely option because it would explain the blood." That's what I said. What I was really thinking was: Cancer bleeds but cancer is not infection. I also asked if I was supposed to keep taking the prescribed antibiotics. After all, they treat infection, and she just told me there was no infection.

"Oh," Nurse Gwen said, sounding a little less confident. "I'll have Doctor call you."

"Thank you," I said, looking forward to the conversation. I love my doctor. She helped change my attitude toward my health care. I'm a better consumer now. After all, my doctor is the one who has said, "It's not enough to know what's not causing this. We need to know what the problem is." She's the one who always gives me "next steps," even if that "next step" is "Remember to make an appointment because I want to see you again in six months."

All afternoon, my phone was silent.

All day, my thoughts and fears bounced around like a pinball. It's nothing. I'm going to die. I have no one to call for help if I need surgery. If I have something serious, I hope we find it before I lose my job and my insurance. I'm fine, there's nothing to worry about.

And why the fuck isn't my doctor calling me?

After a day of this -- after a wasted day off -- I called her office again at 4:00. "I asked her to call me," I said, "and she never has. When can I expect to hear from her."

"Oh, don't worry!" the receptionist said. "Nurse Gwen is in there with her right now. Doctor will call you before she goes home. But Monday is her late night. She sees patients until 6:00."

At 5:45, I called the office a fourth time. I got the answering service! She had gone home for the day. Oh, and guess what! Tuesday the doctor doesn't have office hours! She and Nurse Gwen are at the hospital all day every Tuesday.

I tried not to start screaming. I'm not entirely sure I successful. I made it clear that I wanted my doctor to get this message in the morning -- somehow, some way -- and that she should know I've called four (count 'em! 4!) times.

I slept about a half hour Monday night. Tuesday, as I was getting ready for work, I called the doctor's office one more time. I explained my situation -- my day and night of terror and my concern about privacy at the office. The receptionist put me on hold and came back with my chart.

"Your file has a note that says you spoke to Gwen and there's no reason to call you back."

WHAT? WHAT!

"So," I blurt, "I could have cancer and no one wants to answer my questions about it?"

"No. No, no," she said. "That's not how it works! If there was anything serious in your results, the doctor would have called you herself."

"I have questions that Gwen didn't answer."

"I'll see what I can do," she said.

Another physician in the practice called me back. Dr. Burn had seen me in 2016, when she was subbing for my doctor during my battle with c diff.

"First of all, stop taking the antibiotics," she said, as imprudent use of antibiotics has been tied to c diff. Nurse Gwen didn't tell me that.

"Your results don't show 'no infection,'" she clarified. "The results are inconclusive for infection." Nurse Gwen didn't tell me that, either. The doctor said it could be all the fluids I'd been drinking or the OTC meds, but while blood was evident, there was no clear reading on infection.

"This is consistent with kidney stones," she said. My age, my weight, my diet all put me at risk for kidney stones. My symptoms, the location of my pain, the blood in my urine  .... that's what she thinks the problem is.

"But to be sure, let's wait a week and run another test."

A next step! I love having next steps!

Looks like Door #4

When I went to the doctor last Friday morning, I thought I'd been suffering cramps and bloody urine for one of these three reasons:

•  A bladder infection
•  Prolapsed bladder
•  Bladder cancer (gulp!)

The results were inconclusive, and that gives us a fourth possibility: kidney stones.  My second doctor looked over my chart and says it's likely that last Tuesday I passed "a minute one." She wants me to wait until next week, submit another urine specimen, and see if she's right.

We have a plan. I love a plan.

Plus, I feel better. I love feeling better.

A lovely way to be remembered

Here in the blogosphere, it was Kwizgiver. On Facebook, it was an old boyfriend. I am glad that when people saw this, they thought of me.

Sir Paul in New York

Paul McCartney participated in the New York March for Our Lives because "one of my best friends was killed in gun violence right around here."

Separately, young Emma Gonzalez, Parkland shooting survivor turned activist, chose to wear the Lads emblazoned across her chest during her first CNN interview. This made me happy, too.

The sins of the father

In 2011, Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg did press in conjunction with the release of Jacqueline Kennedy: Historic Conversations on Life with John F. Kennedy. I recall ABC's Diane Sawyer asking Caroline about Jackie's reaction to John Kennedy's legendary infidelities. "I couldn't be her daughter and answer that question."

The late rancher/Dead Head/Renaissance man, John Perry Barlow, was a longtime friend and confidant of John Kennedy, Jr. Barlow says that JFK, Jr. dismissed the "great man" mantle that many felt was his birthright. "I think it will be more interesting to see if I can be a good man."

"I couldn't be her daughter and answer that question."
"I think it will be more interesting to see if I can be a good man."
Quotes from children who had been raised by a broken-hearted, widowed mother.

I thought of John and Caroline tonight when I was watching the Stormy Daniels interview on 60 Minutes. Our President was spanked with a magazine that had his face on the cover. By a porn star. Who came forward, in no small part, because he tried to bully her into silence. She dissed him as a lover ("Ugh. Here we go.") and reported that he spoke more glowingly of his eldest daughter, Ivanka, than he did of his wife, Melania. Who had just given birth to their son, Barron.

And so tonight I was very sad for our First Lady. Not because she now joins the ranks of publicly betrayed political wives. After all, Melania is Donald Trump's third wife.

I can't imagine what it's like for her to look into the face of the very young man she is trying to raise.  The 12-year-old boy who undoubtedly loves her. How does she explain Stormy Daniels (and Playboy Bunny McDougal and the Access Hollywood references to "pussy grabbing")?

I don't think it was an accident that the First Lady didn't return to Washington tonight, that she and her son stayed behind in Florida. That they are alone together as Stormy Daniels' revelations are broadcast.

I hope they're OK.

Weird day

I woke up this morning thinking I was fine, that my gut troubles were behind me. I felt good! Then, after about an hour, the bloating/ache kicked back in. I still wasn't feeling well when my Uber arrived to take me for my hair cut. Fortunately, the Excedrin took effect just as I got into the chair. Since I was there for color, highlights and cut, it took more than two hours.

By the time I got home, I started to feel ooky again. I took my antibiotic and tried to regroup. I mean, it's Saturday! I deserve a better time than this on Saturday! I went to my favorite coffee shop -- just a few blocks away -- for a late-lunch burger and another chapter of chick-lit. I was fine when I was sitting there, but then, when I got up to walk home, OW! It felt like the longest couple blocks of my life.

I got home, took a nap, felt fine. Started to do laundry because, why not? It's not how I want to spend my Saturday, but I can't drink and I can't socialize because I feel creepy, so laundry seems like a reasonable thing to do. The thing is, going up and down stairs seems to make the cramping worse.

So this is what I've learned today -- I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO MOVE! I need to find a place, plant myself and I'll be fine.

I hate this.

Saturday 9

Sweet Disaster (2016)

Unfamiliar with this week's song. Hear it here.

1) This video begins outside a convenience store with a sign advertising beer, produce, lotto and an ATM. Will you buy beer, produce or a lotto ticket this weekend? Will you visit an ATM? I must remember to pick up a lottery ticket, as winning the lottery is my retirement plan. I went to the grocery store and ATM on Friday afternoon.
2) As the video progresses, fountain drinks and donuts are consumed. When you stop for a snack during a road trip, what do you usually grab? Coke and chips.

3) The lyrics reference "a river of champagne." When did you last enjoy a spot of the bubbly? About two weeks ago, I had a thimbleful of the stuff at a work celebration. I woke up with a headache! From less than half a glass! So I don't intend to drink it ever again.

4) The end of the video features sci-fi/horror images. Is that a genre you enjoy? If not, what kind of books do you read most often? I simply don't get sci-fi or horror or fantasy. The just feel like such an incredible waste of time. Lately I've been reading a lot of non-fiction (though I have chick lit in my purse right now).

5) The trio that makes up The Dreamers are dyed-in-the-wool New Yorkers. If you could live in any city or village in the world, would you move or stay right where you are? I'd stay in Chicagoland, because, you know ...
 

Opening Day is Thursday! Go, Cubs, Go!

6) The Dreamers describe themselves as "impractical."  What about you? Do you consider yourself practical or impractical? A cursory review of my checkbook would reveal me to be impractical.
7) They also won't "listen to those who doubt" them. Sometimes we find the ones who doubt us most are ourselves. What about you? Are you confident, or do you suffer from self doubt? I'm my own toughest critic.

8) Do you often remember your dreams? No.
 
9) Random question: Would you rather get $100 today, or $250 on this date a year from now? $100 today. Who knows if we'll be here a year from now?

Positively Biblical

There's a passage from the Old Testament that came to mind today: Your words are what sustain me; they are food to my hungry soul. 

I shot my boss an email this afternoon, reiterating that I'd been at the doctor today and the test results won't be back until Monday. I told him that, since I didn't want to hear the news out in public, I was indeed taking my long-scheduled Personal Day on Monday I gave him a quick overview of all my projects and noted that, since I worked ahead, no one should be inconvenienced by my absence.

His response? Here it is, in total.

OK

Thanks, Boss. That will sustain me and feed my hungry soul.

My morning trip to the doctor

The pain has been unrelenting since Tuesday night. Not debilitating, mind you. Just inescapable. The blood is less visible today, and my urethra has never burned/stung (so I don't think it's a UTI). But there's an awful pressure. Very deja menstrual cramps. It's as though my guts are filled with iron filings and the earth is a giant magnet.

So I went to the doctor this morning. She was wonderful, giving me one of the appointments she leaves open each day for emergencies. She spent as much time with me as I needed, explaining carefully and answering questions.

Behind Door #1, we have a bladder infection. This is the most likely culprit. She says that's the single individual ache that brings most post-menopausal women to her office. Sometimes, she says, it manifests itself as back pain. But just as often, it's bloody urine and abdominal cramps. She's so confident that it's a bladder infection, and so eager to get it cleared up, that she prescribed an antibiotic for me, starting today, even before the test results are back.

Behind Door #2, there's bladder prolapse. Since I had a total abdominal hysterectomy, it's possible that my bladder may have dropped toward my vagina. This is not likely, but it is possible. There are many ways to treat this, not all surgical. If the urinalysis points to this, we will discuss this further.

Behind Door #3 is cancer. She's 99% sure it's not cancer. That's why she prescribed the antibiotics. Bladder infections are terribly common in women my age, bladder cancer is not. If the test results come back, as expected, conclusively pointing to a bladder infection, we need not discuss this again.

I'm cautiously optimistic. Not hubristic -- I know too many people whose lives have been touched by cancer to think that it can't happen to me. But I'm determined not to freak myself out about this until the results come in on Monday.

WWW.WEDNESDAY

WWW. WEDNESDAY asks three questions to prompt you to speak bookishly. To participate, and to see how other book lovers responded, click here. 

1. What are you currently reading? Love the One You're With by Emily Giffen. Newly wed Ellen is very much in love with her groom of three months, Andy. So why is she so very rattled by a random encounter with her long-ago love, Leo?

Yes, it's chick lit. It's about pretty people who are lawyers and photographers and sports agents. They live in cool neighborhoods and eat out every night. They have no money worries but tremendous romantic complications.

Giffen writes well. She's not Jane Austen, but she elevates potentially sudsy material above soap opera level. And the last three books I've read have been pretty heavy. I deserve a little tasty junk food once in a while.

2. What did you recently finish reading? Vulgar Favors by Maureen Orth. A compelling but ultimately very frustrating book about Andrew Cunanan, the subject of the current Ryan Murphy/FX American Crime Story mini-series. This book was the source material for The Assassination of Gianni Versace.

It's a fascinating story because we'll never know why Andrew took out five well-loved and completely decent men. He wasn't your typical mass murderer. He was handsome, bright, funny and well educated. He had a gift for making (though not keeping) friends. He had talents and could have had a successful career (if he'd had any appetite whatsoever for work). There was no prior history of violence. So why in April did he suddenly begin a killing spree that ended with his own suicide in July?

Orth breathlessly tries to explain it away by pointing to his fondness for porn and drugs. Even in the pre-internet 1990s, porn was easily accessible. So were drugs. And yet somehow, South Beach wasn't crawling with serial killers.

There was one passage that stayed with me, that went further toward an explanation than any of her tsk-tsk-ing about gay porn and tweaking. His killing spree may have begun because his life of lies was about to be exposed. " ... the men he cared for most were turning their backs on him, banishing him to struggle alone, insecure, depressed and overweight. It was all their fault. They were forcing him to expose the sham of his grandiosity like a mangy peacock."

He had no faith, no sense of values, no sense of self. All Andrew Cunanan had was grandiosity. Perhaps that final, pitiless exposure was simply too painful for him to bear.  

3.  What will you read next? Maybe another biography? Or a mystery. My TBR pile is stacked dauntingly high with both.