I'm always accessible

I have left emails and voicemail for my oldest friend, who is suffering through a week at home with a broken elbow. She has yet to check in with me at home, or at work, or online, on my cell.

That is her right. But it makes it hard for me to keep trying.

I know she suffers with depression, which leaves her feeling overwhelmed by inertia. I know her move to California has been unexpectedly complicated and fraught with difficulty.

But she keeps complaining about how she has no support. I have been there to lend her money and listen about/make suggestions about her troubled daughter and her work situation. When she doesn't acknowledge that she's not alone, that she does have me -- and has ever since we were in grammar school -- she makes it frustrating for me to be patient.

When she insists she has "no support," doesn't "have anyone," I wonder if she doesn't mean a man.

I can't help her with that, now can I?

This is who she is and I must try to accept it and get over it. I know that. I am just cyber venting .... again.

And people wonder why I keep vodka in my desk

My merry band of coworkers specializes in financial marketing. It is not unreasonable to expect us to keep our fingers on the pulse of the competition.

I wondered aloud how a smallish local bank could afford Sinatra for their commercials. My art director responded by asking HOW they did it. "I mean, did they dig him up?"

"Gal?"

Years ago, Mary and I worked for the same company and occasionally rode the el to and from work together. She was high-energy, even a little tense -- not unusual for those drawn to the agency world -- with two little kids and a husband who seemed not terribly helpful. She said he worked in an administrative capacity at a university and was home every day well before 5:00. Yet often Mary would say, "I have to stop and pick something for dinner." She would say cryptic things about how her husband was "preparing for another poker party."

Shortly after the agency we worked for folded, we ran into one another at the post office. Perky little Mary told me she and her kids were about to travel to DC to visit friends ... and to be away when her husband moved out. She told me about how he'd always been a lazy drinker, that his money was his money and her money was their money, that she had not been happy for years. It was a strange setting to hear all this -- I was buying stamps at the dispenser under the fluorescent post office lights and she was telling me about years of misery. But it seemed important to her to get it all out.

Fast forward to nearly two weeks ago. It was really cold, so I was wearing my my big, black down coat -- the one that makes me look like Ralphie's kid brother Randy from A Christmas Story. As I moved to the revolving door, I heard a tentative, "Gal?" Yes, it was Mary. After a decade, there we were, working together in the same 83-floor steel behemoth.

We only chatted for a moment, long enough for me to learn that she is a freelance contractor with a client in my building, and for her to take off her glove and flash a diamond at me. "Look!" she said, with a smile as bright as her ring. "I'm remarried and I got it right this time!" I gave her my business card and she promised to call me for lunch.

When I didn't hear from her right away, I assumed she wasn't serious about reconnecting. But today we had lunch.

She is so happy! Her new husband is named Paul and they met on e-Harmony. He gets along well with her kids (now 14 and 11). She was more serene than I ever recall her being. And I am ashamed by how happy I am to report she's gained a ton, too! I know, I know, that's terrible of me. But this morning, when I was getting dressed for work, I was actually worried about how fat she would think I looked. I admit it -- deep inside I'm shallow.

I was also happy that at one point, when I was blathering on the way I do, she touched my arm and said, "See? This is what I missed about you!" Like I'm some funny, audacious thing. I was surprised (after all, we were never that close) but it pleased me a great deal.

She invited me to "friend" her on Facebook and hopefully we'll see one another again.

I love it

Had my teeth bleached/lasered yesterday and I just love the results. Takes some of the sting out my new short-short haircut.

The Continuing Saga

My oldest friend has so much drama in her life. Some of it she creates, some of it she attracts. If it wasn't for the former, the latter wouldn't be so devastating. And I wouldn't be so continually worried about her.

Monday I got an email from her containing links to a municipal blog for her new neighborhood and more Ghost Adventures blather. I didn't respond because, to my knowledge, she still hadn't found a free moment to click on the Jib-Jab holiday card I made especially for her two months ago. She knew this bothered me -- I have told her so -- and I thought that sending me links to other sites she examines in her spare time was more than a little insensitive. When she didn't hear from me, she finally (FINALLY!) reviewed my card and thanked me for it. On the one hand, she worries about being alone in the world, and on the other hand, she callously disregards my gestures. I shrug, try to accept, and try to get past it. But sometimes, it's hard.

Anyway, later in the day Monday I got another email from her. She took a terrible tumble again, second time this year, this time breaking her elbow. She will be out of work for a week. She's on Vicodin again, second time this year, which worries me. And she's been driving, even though she can't easily get in or out of her car because with her broken elbow, it's almost impossible to buckle/unbuckle the seat belt. This worries me, too. Her email closed by saying she'd call me on Tuesday. Because of the pain meds, I didn't call her, even though she was never far from my thoughts.

She did call Tuesday, when I was at lunch, and left a message. I didn't return her call for two reasons: 1) I didn't want to disturb her when she may be trying to sleep and 2) she often doesn't pick up when I call anyway. Many times when she's complained of the blues, I have tried to call and cheer her up but she seldom answers and she never returns my calls. She gets so wrapped up in her own drama that she doesn't think of the impact her behavior has on me.

So imagine my surprise when I got home Tuesday night to find emails and calls, wondering if I was OK. I wasn't being manipulative with her, I was just kind of worn out and saddened by the way she often treats me. It was gratifying to see she really does value me as an individual and not just as a comfort/support resource.

I hope that while she concentrates on healing, she will use this time off to look calmly and objectively at her life in California (at least as objectively as anyone can look at their own lives). She has to recommit to her job because, as hard a time as she's having, she needs it to support her lifestyle. She has to work things through with her troubled daughter and, in her own words, "cut the apron strings" that tie her to her older son. She has to think about her own health -- her weight, her ankles, her teeth, her heart, her smoking, her depression ....

I worry about her. One could argue that she created much of what she is facing now by willfully making this move before without real preparation but you know what? That really doesn't matter now and I must stop looking at it through that prism. Now that I'm confident our friendship is reciprocal, I feel more free to devote more energy into helping her work all this through.

I Want Wednesday

I want New England clam chowder for lunch. You know, the creamy white one. Keep your fingers crossed that it's one of the soups du jour in the cafeteria.

It's time to start dreaming again

With the pitchers & catchers already in Mesa, the rest of the Cubs and their loyal fans can't be far behind. The first game at Hohokam Park is 2/27 vs the A's.

PLAY BALL!

He done good

My best friend updated me on his Valentine's Day. He reports that he made dinner for his wife and daughters last night, and then gave them each an individual, surprise Valentine: dinner and a concert for his wife, a night at the ballet with his ballerina daughter, and a Nuggets game with his Title 9 daughter. Of course, the best part of the gift is that each of "his girls" will get alone time with him.

It was very thoughtful and very him.

And it's great that he feels so grounded at home and so connected to "his girls." It wasn't always thus. Since he is committed to staying in this life he chose, it's important to me that he be happy in it.

10 on Tuesday

Ten Times Oscar Got It Right

When big movie stars die, their obituaries tend to begin with, "Oscar-winner [INSERT NAME HERE] died today ..." Sometimes, as with Clark Gable, these performers didn't win for signature roles. But often they do, and they go into the record books for career-defining parts. Like these 10 ladies ...

Claudette Colbert. It Happened One Night. Ellie Andrews. (1934) The most famous hitch-hiker in film history.

Vivien Leigh. Gone with the Wind. What's Her Name. (1939) As God is my witness, I'll never forget her in this movie.

Joan Crawford. Mildred Pierce. (1945) The shoulder pads. They arched eye brows. The no-nonsense attitude. Of course, with what we know about her private life, seeing her as America's most selfless mother is more than a little ironic.

Julie Andrews. Mary Poppins. (1964) Practically perfect in every way.

Elizabeth Taylor. Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf. Martha. (1966) She was only in her early 30s when she played heavy, gray, loud and drunk. Little did we know this blowzy portrait was her Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.

Barbra Streisand. Funny Girl. Fanny Brice. (1968) Some think her most famous scene is alone in the alley, singing about those people who need people. For me, it's her at the finale, belting it out about her man, with one perfect tear running down her cheek.

Liza Minnelli. Cabaret. Sally Bowles. (1972) Usually Liza strikes me as over the top and skin-crawly. But you can't deny how good she was in these musical numbers. As Sally, over the top is just right.

Diane Keaton. Annie Hall. (1977) Yeah, well. La-de-dah, la-de-dah.

Sally Field. Norma Rae. (1979) Close you eyes. You can just see her on the table with that UNION sign, can't you?

Kathy Bates. Misery. Annie Wilkes. (1990) Don't argue with me about this one, Mr. Man.

Monday Movie Meme -- Show Me the Money

Share movies that focus on making money, finding money, losing money, stealing money or spending money. Then link back here at The Bumbles.

Glengary Glen Ross. "A. B. C. Always Be Closing." These are the words the salesmen at the Chicago real estate office live by. Times are tough, the competition is cut throat, and the David Mamet dialog is brilliant. Ed Harris, Alan Arkin and Jack Lemmon are especially desperate in their pursuit of the almighty buck. Alec Baldwin and Al Pacino are filled with macho swagger. And Kevin Spacey plays the office toady that everyone hates.

Quiz Show. Charles Van Doren comes from a family of erudite overachievers. He may not be as smart as the rest of his brilliant clan, but he is bright enough and good looking. That combination makes him a natural for a new phenomenon, the TV quiz show. Once he starts making money -- a lot of it for very little work -- he discovers he enjoys it. And he is seduced into doing what he knows is wrong just to keep it rolling in.

Wall Street. "The point is that greed, for lack of a better word, is good." Part of what makes Gordon Gekko such a destructive and powerful villain is that he doesn't think he's wrong, or even bad. He's simply indulging in the pursuit of power and money that he believes makes us humans superior to the rest of the food chain.

She's going to die

My friend Ed's daughter. She is just 24 years old.

Her leukemia is in remission right now, but the doctors are guarded about her ability to make it to 30. So she got married in hurry -- forgoing the big Chicago wedding they were planning and settling for a judge's chambers in New York, where she now lives and is undergoing treatment.

Before this last round of chemo, she had her eggs harvested. The doctors warned her that the chemicals might destroy her eggs and she desperately wants to have a baby with her new husband.

And now she wants a bone marrow transplant. She's been warned that it could very well shorten her life even more, but it would enhance her ability to carry her own fertilized egg, and that's what she wants. She wants to have a healthy baby as normally as possible with her new groom. As she told her dad, my friend Ed, she's less interested in "quantity of years than quality."

Ed is one of the world's biggest movie fans. He keeps likening his daughter to Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias. I wish that movie had a happier ending. I really do.

This is terrible for Ed. This daughter of his was an accident. He and his wife never wanted children. When his wife found she was pregnant, they discussed abortion seriously but finally decided against it. And so my friend was shocked and delighted by how much he loved this little person who he never anticipated having in his life.

He adores her. Over the years I've heard it all: how beautifully she performed as Maria in The Sound of Music, how she agonized about her ears and insisted on always wearing her hair long to cover them, how lost she first felt when she first went away to college in New York, how she met and fell in love with Brian ... and now this horror.

I don't know his wife as well as I know him, but she is in my thoughts and prayers, too. For this is not her first time, hanging around in waiting rooms, waiting for news about a loved one. Ed himself battled prostate cancer and almost lost his life in 2008. He lost his job not long after that, and she has been supporting her little family by herself since then.

I hate my new haircut. My condo is a mess. And then I think of them and my priorities quickly reshuffle.

Sunday Stealing

Sunday Stealing: The Sunset Meme

Cheers to all of us thieves!

1. What is your favorite Mexican dish? Quesadilla, preferably cut into little points.

2. When you were a kid, did you get started on your homework right away after school, or did you procrastinate? Procrastinated. To this day I hate the stopwatch graphic at the beginning of 60 Minutes because to me, it meant I had 60 minutes until I had to revisit the homework I'd been putting off all weekend.

3. What is your favorite store for home furnishings? Crate and Barrel on Michigan Avenue in Chicago.

4. When you were young, did you like school lunches? Inarguably the best part of the day back then.

5. Is religion a crutch? No.

6. In your region, what is the “big” high school sport? Basketball.

7. Do you consider yourself rich? Hell, no.

8. Which of these would you have the best chance administering:

A) CPR
B) Heimlich Maneuver
C) Changing a flat tire

D) Dialing 911.

9. Which dance would you prefer to learn & why:

A) Salsa
B) Hip Hop
C) Waltz
D) Swing. Because it looks so neat.

10. What’s the worst news you’ve ever delivered to someone? "We have to let you go."

11. Name something you learned in college that had nothing to do with classes or academics. Um ... can't think of anything. My foray into higher learning was very short -- less than a year at community college.

12. New variation on an old question: If there’s a song in your head that just won’t get out, what is your favorite (or most repeated) line in that song? "Though there's pain in my chest, I still wish you the best, with a forget you ..." Placed in my head by this link at Kwizgiver's.

Requesting permission to vent

Last March, after I cleaned out my closets for the Carson's Goodwill Sale, I was sure to set aside one of the terrific coupons for my oldest friend's birthday and or Christmas gift. I was worried about losing my job then, and I didn't want her to suffer if I got the axe. I bought her favorite, Vera Wang body lotion, for about $40, even with the coupon. I tucked into my closet, keeping it dry and dark to preserve the scent, and then brought it with me in December when I went to visit her to celebrate her birthday. It was the designated Christmas gift. She wouldn't open it, saying my Christmas present hadn't arrived yet. She wanted us to unwrap them together, over the phone, when mine was finally ready.

I was pissed. Christmas is on everyone's calendar. Plus she had blown off my birthday. She emailed me from her new home in Beverly Hills, like 2 days before, saying, "What do you want to do about your birthday? Shall we celebrate it out here when you come?" No. I want to insist that you FedEx overnight my present. Clearly she had forgotten my birthday, and now, weeks later, she had put Christmas off until the last moment.

And of course, with my oldest friend, none of this is her fault. My parents had the bad taste to have me during the same month of her cross-country move 53 years in the future. It's their fault. And it's the fault of the company she ordered my Christmas gift from. Not hers. It's never her fault.

OK. Whatever. I left the Christmas gift on her piano and headed back to Chicago.

Her move to California was turning out to be a disaster, and I tried to be as supportive as I could be. I posted photos of my trip - - including one of her Beverly Hills street sign -- on Facebook and let her know how to access them. Then, because I knew Christmas with her oldest, troubled son would likely be a stressful disappointment, I made a Jib-Jab Christmas Card for her -- starring her and I. It's not an opus, I'm not giving Martin Scorcese a run for his money, but I put work into it.

Here we are in mid-February. I hear from her all the time and know all about the problems with her health, her clinically-depressed 20-something son, her hyper-active and troubled freshman daughter, and now her job -- the one she moved out to Los Angeles for. She finds relief in her free time by farting around on Facebook, bonding with unmet "friends" who enjoy her passion for Ghost Adventures on the Travel Channel.

Yet she hasn't found the time or the interest to click on the Jib-Jab card I made or to even glance at the Facebook photos I posted. Nor to send me my Christmas gift. As far as I know, she's lost the body lotion I gave her -- that Christmas gift I put so much care into choosing, wrapping, and delivering.

I am hurt and I am angry. And I am running out of patience. For while I'm the hurt and angry one, I know my oldest friend sees herself as the victim in this. Sometimes we have to take responsibility for our own actions, and the pain they cause others. Hearts as loyal as mine should be too precious for friends to injure.

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: I Saw It on TV

1. What new TV show rocks your world this year? Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. It's not a new show, but it's new to me and I'm hypnotized and stunned. It leaves me happy to be a pudgy, middle aged, Chicago spinster.

2. What is your least favorite ethnic food, and what makes it your least favorite? Anything with hot sauce. Because I don't like hot sauce.

3. When does liking someone a lot become loving that person? When he's the last one I think of at night and the first one I think of in the morning.

4. Is there a job you would do for free, and is it your current job? Yes, I'd care for cats in a shelter. And no, it's not my current job.

5. What is one person/thing that inspired you to take action of some sort? Senator John Kerry's 2004 Presidential run inspired me to devote a year to letter writing and phone calling. He stood for an appropriate and responsible handling of the war on terror, an end to the war in Iraq, international cooperation, protecting a woman's right to choose ... I still believe we got it right and 50.7% of America got it wrong.

6. Though you might not believe in it, would you like fate to exist? I do believe in it. I reject random.

7. Tell us about a news story that truly shocked you. The case of Yummy Sandifer. He was an 11-year-old Chicago boy who loved riding his bike, knew all about big cars like Lincolns and Cadillacs, and had a soft spot for animals. Oh yeah, and he shot and killed a little girl he barely knew to please his gang. They turned on him and he was found dead in a graffiti-filled underpass.

8. What's something you're looking forward to? Getting my hair cut.

9. What characteristics do you despise? Bullies. Pick on somebody your own size, why don't you?

Pride Comes Before the Fall

So much for my last post.

Saw another play last night with Barb. Because of the late hour, I took the Metra train home instead of the trusty old el. They only run hourly at that time of night, so when I entered the station with only two minutes till departure, I knew I had to run for it.

Up the escalator, across the station and down the platform.

I made it, barely. And it took its toll. In the words of The Killer, "You leave me ... breathless-uh."

Sore, but it's a happy kind of sore

I have worked out four times this week, and have stuck to my diet! I have also noticed a solid connection between sticking to my diet and spending less money on food. So in all, while I admit my old bones are feeling this, I'm pleased with myself.

Many 7s

Swiped from Kwizgiver

SEVEN THINGS IN YOUR ROOM:

1. Empty boxes
2. Bubble wrap
3. Vase of purple mums
4. Wrigley Field snowglobe
5. Laptop
6. Tissue box
7. Can of Coke

TOP SEVEN THINGS YOU SAY MOST:
1. "Thank you ..." (usually as I'm disappearing out of someone's office)
2. "That's OK" (though I often don't mean it)
3. "Hi-hi"
4. "What the fuuuuu ...?"
5. "It must be said ..."
6. "Like they say in the Hippocratic oath, 'first do no harm.'"
7. "Of COURSE it's cold! It's WINTER!"

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT:
1. Coke
2. kitties
3. chocolate
4. clean undies
5. books/magazines
6. music
7. internet/electricity/laptop

SEVEN THINGS ON YOUR MIND:
1. Finances
2. The fingernails I bit off last night during Les Miz
3. If I can respectably get one more day of wear out of these jeans
4. PORTION CONTROL -- which means I can have six chocolate mint meltaways today and six tomorrow, not all twelve in one sitting
5. How much I like Jason Mraz and John Mayer
6. Mayor Harry Baals
7. Sen. Jim Webb (I am that geeky)

SEVEN OTHER THINGS:
1. My favorite national news show is originating from Chicago tomorrow
2. How my best friend is doing with his Big Projects
3. I owe my cousin and aunt letters
4. Even though they both live in Florida, my cousin (mom's side) and aunt (dad's side) have never met
5. My glutes hurt, but in a good way, after my workout
6. I haven't heard from my friend Ed (except for little Likes on Facebook) in a while ...
7. I need to buy quarters for the washer/dryer

Do You:
1. believe in God? Yes
2. Had a dream come true? Not literally
3. Read the newspaper? Monday through Friday
4. Pray? Not conventionally -- I more talk to God
5. Have a job? Yes
6. Go to church? When I feel the need
7. Wish on shooting stars? No, because I've never seen one

Have you ever:
1. Gone skinny dipping? No
2. Kissed someone of the same sex? No
3. Swam in the dark? No
4. Been to a bonfire? Yes (Yea! I got one!)
5. Ran away from home? When I was really little
6. Played strip poker? No
7. Pulled an all nighter? Not in about four years

SEVEN THINGS IN THE LAST 24 HOURS:
Have you...
1. Cried? No
2. Had fun? Yes
3. Been kissed? No
4. Felt stupid? Not yet
5. Talked to an ex? No
6. Missed someone? Yes, I miss my best friend
7. Hugged someone? No

My attitude

It makes economizing hard.

I have finally seen it!

In my entire varied theater-going career, I have somehow always missed Les Miserables. It hasn't been by design, it's just worked out that way. But last night, that wrong was finally righted.

I'm told the new touring company benefits from more modern staging and a fresh new cast (many of whom weren't even born when the play debuted 25 years ago). The vitality is infectious and the student uprising really resonates, especially with everything we see going on in today's Egypt.

I was particularly drawn to Éponine, the biological daughter of the ethically challenged couple Fantine leaves Cosette with. Spoiled and selfish as a little girl, she grows up to be selfless and brave. The grown up Cosette, on the other hand, kinda annoys me. At a time when so many were suffering, I didn't see her circumstances or personality as particularly compelling. But I guess that's the strength of Les Miz: it's so timeless that you can feel like you have to be Team Éponine or Team Cosette, just as you had to choose between Jen and Angelina. Oh! And poor little Gavroche!

Obviously, I had a good time.

I Want Wednesday

I want this headache to commit. Is it just a garden variety ache or a wretched migraine?

Facebook and me

I am not my genuine self on Facebook.

I have "friended" too many people who aren't friends. Both of my sisters read it. I know that exes have perused it ... and I have no right to be offended by that since I have snooped around there liberally myself.

So, while I don't overthink it, I freely admit that I try to present myself in a sunnier, sillier, more idealized light than you all see here. And I suspect most people who maintain a Facebook page can say the same thing.

It's reality, but stage-managed reality. And I'm no longer as comfortable with it as I once was. I mean, how valid a use of time is it to create and maintain an almost honest view of yourself for dozens (or hundreds) of people who are doing the same?

Part of it is my discontent comes from having just seen The Social Network. It's a terrific movie, but it's soul numbing. After all, it's about a duplicitous character who understands power and technology but not intimacy. Zuckerberg (as portrayed in the movie) seems to have ADD of the soul. As one who often toggles restlessly from window to window, application to application, on her laptop, I wonder if my own soul isn't suffering the impact, too.

It's become easier, faster and more comfortable to deal with acquaintances en masse with quick, superficial posts than to truly interact with the individuals in my life.

This is not good.

I know the problem isn't with the social networking technology. It's with the way (and why) I use it. I'm going to stick with Facebook because it's the wave of the future and I've got to get and keep a handle on it professionally. Along the way I hope I learn to love it personally, too.

10 on Tuesday

Ten Great Oscar-Losing Performances. Part of the fun of watching the Oscars is slapping your forehead when a winner is announced and proclaiming, "How COULD they?" Looking over past Oscar races, here are 10 times the Academy got it wrong.

1) Tom Hanks. Capt. Miller. Saving Private Ryan. (1998) Less showy than his work in Forrest Gump or Philadelphia, but more moving and relateable. Miller was a hero only because he was there. You could tell that Hanks' character had lived an unremarkable life until then, and WWII was fought and won by a generation of such unremarkable men. They saved the world, and Tom Hanks represents them admirably and memorably. Who won that year instead? The obnoxious Roberto Benigni. If Hanks' Captain Miller could see Benigni's performance, I bet he'd be sorry his side won.

2) Peter Fonda. Ulee's Gold. (1997) Another quiet performance, another man trying to do the right thing by his family. Ulee is a bee-keeper who is raising his granddaughter, determined to do a better job this time than he did with his son. If you haven't seen this movie, you should. Fonda is a revelation. The only other actor I could imagine bringing so much integrity to this role is that other Fonda, Henry. Who won that year instead? Jack Nicholson, romancing an unrealistically and distractingly younger woman and chewing the scenery (even as he uses his plastic knife and fork) in As Good as It Gets.

3) Robert Downey, Jr. Chaplin. (1992). Why did Hollywood keep giving Robert Downey chance after chance to redeem himself in the 1990s? Because producers and directors saw this movie. He disappeared into the role of one of the screen's first geniuses. He, like Chaplin, moved like a dancer. He is completely believable as he pugnaciously fights his personal demons, as Chaplin did. He ages but without condescension. It's a virtuoso piece of work. Who won that year instead? Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman. Hoo-ha! It wasn't a bad performance, it just wasn't anywhere Pacino's best. It was simply Al's turn.

4) Richard Burton. George. Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1965). Quiet, smart and ferociously angry. Burton applies his unmatched vocal prowess to Edward Albee's brilliant dialog and was consistently fabulous. Who else could be so threatening while wearing a lumpy sweater and reading glasses? Who won that year instead? Paul Scofield, being all actor-y all over the place in A Man for All Seasons.

5) Clark Gable. Rhett Butler. Gone with the Wind. (1939) No, really. Gable won an Oscar, but not for his greatest role ... arguably the most recognized screen character of all time. The out-front, uncompromising masculinity he brings to the part enables him to make Rhett a three-dimensional hero, showing us a tearful Rhett, a sensitive and loving Rhett, an ironic Rhett who is even ashamed of his heroism. I will always be a little in love with Rhett Butler. Who won that year instead? Robert Donat in Goodbye, Mr. Chips. A fine performance. I get it. I just would have gone with Gable, and I think history and culture prove me right.

NOW FOR THE LADIES

6) Kate Winslet. Rose. Titanic. (1998). To borrow from Donna Summer, she works hard for the money. She's in almost every scene of this epic: snarling, seducing, splashing, ax-swinging, shouting and almost dying. And she goes from being a feisty caged bird to an independent woman. Plus, her Rose is like Gable's Rhett. When Winslet is an old lady, introduced as "Oscar winner," everyone will assume it's for this mammoth crowd pleaser. Who won that year instead? Helen Hunt for As Good as It Gets. Bleh. BFD.

7) Mary Tyler Moore. Beth Jarrett. Ordinary People. (1980). Inspired casting. Yes, everyone thought of Mary as a perfect comedienne, but director Redford realized that "perfect" was the operative word. Beth had to be believable as the envy of the neighborhood from outside, loved and admired by all who didn't know her well; and at the same time, tortured on the inside. Unable to truly love, forgive or evolve. In anyone else's hands, Beth Jarrett would have been a villain. As she is here, she's the object of our pity. Who won that year instead? Sissy Spacek in Coal Miner's Daughter. She was great, too, but this was such a stretch for our Mary. Besides, if I ran things, Sissy would have won for wearing pig's blood better than anyone else in film history.

8) Sissy Spacek. Carrie. (1976) Could ANYONE ELSE have captured our hearts as a telekinetic mass murderer? I rest my case. It may be a weird but true observation that Stephen King and Woody Allen have created some of our most sympathetic and compelling female screen characters. I suppose that when you realize she's the only actress ever to be nominated for a straight-on horror flick, her nomination really was award enough. Who won that year instead? Faye Dunaway's noisy, cartoonish careerwoman-shrew from Network.

9) Barbra Streisand. Katie Morosky. The Way We Were. (1973). She's too-too. Too loud, too brazen, too opinionated, too ... unattractive. (There, I said it.) And too vulnerable to be like this and still be content in our world. I ached with her every moment of this movie. Who won that year instead? Glenda Jackson's charming but lightweight performance in A Touch of Class.

10) Judy Garland. Vicki Lester. A Star Is Born. (1954). As if giving us "The Man that Got Away" wasn't enough, she also dances and romances and cries and even gets slugged in the face. Like Kate Winslet in Titanic, she deserved it just for the effort! How could such a tiny woman give such a towering performance? Who won that year instead? Grace Kelly for wearing glasses and a cardigan in The Country Girl. OK, that was unfair because Grace Kelly is very good in The Country Girl. But COME ON! Judy sang "Swanee" and danced with a cane! WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO PLEASE YOU PEOPLE?

My new favorite song is from 1979

My best friend could have written this, for he chose the safer harbors of his heart.

I Hear You, and Thank You

When I began blogging, it was to create an online journal mostly for myself. I wanted an accurate snapshot of how I was feeling on any given day, something I could look back on later. I really never expected to have readers, or to draw so much support from those of you who comment.

This past week I posted about two rather consuming situations -- my finances and an odious ex. And I received so many positive wishes and helpful suggestions from cyberbuddies! I just wanted to acknowledge you all:

Silver Neurotic
Vivian
Jamie
Jody
Kwizgiver
SnarkyPants

Guilt

I usually don't believe in guilt because it's such a damn waste. But right now I'm suffering from it in spades.

My finances are getting away from me, faster by the minute, and I must take steps to stem the bleeding.

I haven't gotten a raise in years, and am only now beginning to breathe more easily about my job security. Advertising is that tenuous a pursuit right now. Sure, I have a nice emergency fund. But you know what will happen if I touch that, don't you? Yes, I'll be laid off.

Meanwhile my insurance premiums and deductibles have risen. So have my taxes and my assessments. Even the snow removal service at my mom's has gone up this year.

Being undisciplined (shall we talk about my housecleaning and weight?), I have continued spending as though my paychecks have risen steadily.

I have to do something. I can't refinance my place because there have been three foreclosures in this 24-unit building. I don't even want to think about what's gone on up and down the street. At any rate, I'm reasonably sure my condo -- my biggest investment -- has never been worth less than it is at this moment. I'm confident that the market will rebound, but not in time to help me through this rough patch.

My mother recently revealed that she has no life insurance and has pretty much depleted the equity of her reverse mortgage. I could sit here and be angry about the fine mess my dad left me, but what the hell. It is what it is. She needs my help now more than ever, and will continue to do so. While I can't pay for my niece's college tuition, I'd like to be able to help her with spending money when she goes off to school.

There are some big expenditures I'm already committed to -- another six months of theater tickets with Barb, a vacation this spring ... But beyond that, I simply begin instituting austerity.

Which is why, when I returned my annual pledge form for the church, I reduced it for 2011 by $75. That's just $6.25/month. And, of all the charities I contribute to regularly, I believe my congregation can most easily spare $6.25.

I'm ashamed that my own bad planning has gotten me to a place where such steps are necessary. And I especially hate it that I worry about my reputation this way. I mean, it's CHURCH. God loves me and understands. I just wish I could reduce my giving to a charity where everyone in the office doesn't know me.

But that's childish and silly. I looked over the financials included with the pledge form and my congregation can withstand this.

But right now I feel selfish and undisciplined and embarrassed. And very, very guilty.

Sunday Stealing

Sunday Stealing: The Ace Meme, Part Three


68. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW? NCIS

69. WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE THAT YOU DON'T LIKE? I like avoidance.

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Mint chocolate chip

71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES? Yes. Who else's would I have?

72. SO IS IT GOING TO BE THE STEELERS OR THE PACKERS? I don't care. Sorry.

73. PLANS FOR TONIGHT? Avoiding the Super Bowl

74. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU RETIRE? Here

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? Of course!

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO? The TV is on

77. LAST THING YOU DRANK? Orange juice

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My niece

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE SEX(ES) YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO? Hair

80. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME? Go to the movies, watch TV, fart around on the Internet ...

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE? Sarah Palin

82. FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR? Autumn

83. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY? Mary Janes

84. HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND? Yes. He is decent and kind and always tries to do the right thing.

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? Lt brown/dark blonde, with a little red tossed in

86. EYE COLOR? Green

87. SHOE SIZE? 6.5

88. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE? Five Guys Burgers & Fries

89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT? Monk's Pub

90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI? No

91. WATCH TV TODAY? Always. I'm a news junkie

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? November 22, my birthday!

93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS? No

94. POLITICAL PARTY? Democrat

95. KISSES OR HUGS? Depends on who I am kissing or hugging

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? Relationships

97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? A Lottery ticket. I should check to see if I'm a millionaire.

98. WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSE SPOUSE? No, as it includes being a spouse.

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner

100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE: Inadequate

On my mind

The national news is full of updates about Egypt. But I'm too preoccupied with news closer to home to even contemplate international unrest. For the snow storm of Tuesday night left most of the businesses around here closed on Wednesday, and the schools remained closed on Thursday, too. And this has caused incremental economic hardship to those who can afford it least.

The people who work in fast food restaurants, retail stores, gas stations, etc., most likely didn't get vacation pay for their unexpected day off. When they went back to work on Thursday, they probably had to find daycare for the young kids who weren't in school.

This time of year is historically hard on food pantries. After Thanksgiving and Christmas, helping the hungry slips people's minds. Plus, when those holiday credit card bills come in, giving anywhere, to any good cause, can feel like an unmanageable budget pinch right now.

Which is why I'm fixating on those right here in town. I took a bag of groceries over to our local food pantry and it was buzzing with activity. I particularly noticed breakfast cereal going out the door at a fast rate.

After I dropped off this month's bag of groceries, I stopped off at the store and did some shopping for myself and began a new bag with a box of Post Alpha Bits (on sale for just $1).

If you have the time, inclination and wherewithal, maybe you can start a bag to help those in your neighborhood.

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: Margaritaville

1. Tell us about a time that you had way too much Jose Cuervo. Strawberry margaritas at a "Cocktails for the Cure" AIDS event. I didn't want to get loaded, mind you. It's just that $1 from each red drink ordered went to charity. I gave till it hurt ... the next morning.

2. Do you agree with the following statement: "The older you get, the faster time goes by?" Yes. I was just talking to my 11-year-old nephew, who thought his Christmas break from grade school was soooo long that his classmates actually looked different when he got back to school.

3. What do you usually do during your "down time?" Lately I have been going to the movies a lot. The Oscars do that to me. I return to the theaters every January the way the swallows return to Capistrano.

4. When it comes to the opposite sex, do you feel you have a grasp on 'em -- or do they continue to just surprise you? Always surprises. Which isn't a bad thing.

5. What is your home town famous for? If you believe Frank Sinatra (and you'd better): The Wrigley Building and the Union Stockyard. I'd also add Michael Jordan, Oprah and my beloved Cubs.

6. How many romantic relationships have you had? Three that really touched my heart.

7. What's the best concert that you've ever been to? Paul McCartney in 2002. It was the first show I'd attended after 9/11 and his first tour since he'd lost Linda. There was so much emotion in the United Center that night, flowing to and from the stage.

8. Which famous person would you like to meet? Why? Bill Clinton. Because he's Bill Clinton, and we could talk about everything from conditions in Haiti to Rahm Emmanuel's potty mouth to classic movies to the Arlington Hotel in Hot Springs to ... And I'd still like to give him a piece of mind about the Lewinsky thing.

9. Has a newspaper or television reporter ever interviewed you? If so, what were the circumstances and what did you think when you read or saw what you said? I recently refused to be on TV to discuss how I feel about President Obama's performance in office. Does that count?

Oh, my sweet Eeyeore

My best friend reminds me of Eeyeore. Sensitive, dear, but gloomy.

Not 10 days ago, he was worried because he didn't think he was getting the important assignments at work. It made him feel vulnerable, as though he was the next logical candidate for a layoff.

Today he shot me a quick email, describing himself as "crazed" and "drowning" because he has four concurrent clients.

I love him more than my next breath, but he does exasperate me at times because I don't think he will allow himself contentment.

Oscar Predictions

Last night my friend Kathleen and I went to a panel discussion on the upcoming Academy Awards. Here are the predictions by Tribune columnist Michael Phillips:

Best Picture -- The Social Network or The King's Speech

Best Actor -- Colin Firth, The King's Speech (sure thing)

Best Actress -- Natalie Portman, The Black Swan or Annette Bening, The Kids Are Alright

Best Supporting Actor -- Christian Bale, The Fighter or Geoffrey Rush, The King's Speech

Best Supporting Actress -- Hailie Steinfield, True Grit or Melissa Leo, The Fighter

Keep in mind these are his "will win" predictions, not his "should win" responses.

"A former lady friend in Chitown I miss"

Stephen Doe has a Facebook page. He made a "friend" request to me last year and I just ignored it. I didn't realize that requests sit there if you don't delete them. So, while I was farting around on Facebook yesterday during my snow day off, I happened to rediscover it. Giving in to that same impulse that makes you probe a cavity with your tongue, I clicked on his page.

And there I was under INFO. His favorite quote was my favorite quote from those long ago days when we were lovers:
"I believe we each get 2 lives. The one we learn from and the one we live after that." The Movie "the Natural"
From a former lady friend in Chitown I miss.

I remember clearly how good he was at manipulating me and I know he chose that quote for my benefit. In case someday I happened onto his Facebook page. I looked at his photo album and saw that it has no bearing on the life he lived here, when we were together. He hunts, is very disrespectful of Obama, has been married 21 years (celebrated their 20th with a trip to Paris; he was a baggage handler for an airline) and has two teenaged daughters,* and is friends mostly with younger women from his work. Not surprising. Oh, and he's lost his hair, which cheers me up because he is vain and I am petty.

In 2008, he reached out to our friend John, out of the blue, asking permission to contact me. Upon seeing how upset I was by the communication, John refused to grant "permission." (John didn't expect me to react so strongly. Weird though this may sound, I always tried to protect Stephen's reputation and never told our friends how bad things were back in those long-ago days when we were together.)

In 2009, he shot an email to my office. While I was completely creeped out that he could figure out the naming convention used by the multi-national corporation I work for, I ignored it the best I could and moved on.

In 2010, he tried Facebook. I suppose I should brace myself for him calling me someday. But, since I have Caller ID at both home and work, I will know it's him and can/will refuse to pick up. He disturbs me, yes, but he doesn't frighten or intimidate me anymore.

What does nag at me, though, is why he cares. Why after more than 20 years did he start contacting me? Why does he miss me?

I remember loving him. I recall the intensity of the feeling. After all, we were together for a decade. I remember good times with friends.

But, for the life of me, I can't recall what we had in common or why I loved him so. He was good looking and charming, yes. But he was shallow and cruel and, in retrospect, I think his greatest gift was being able to become who he believed his audience wanted him to be. I don't think I ever really knew him because I'm not sure there's anyone there to really know.

I know he has re-engaged with his Catholicism and feels guilty about how he treated me. And he should. While he wants my forgiveness, he's not getting it. That's between him and God. My biggest journey over these past decades has been forgiving myself for allowing him to abuse me, for staying and hanging on until it got so bad he literally gave me no choice but to let go.

Which is why I wonder why he "misses" me. Why, after we split in December, 1987, he began reaching out to me in spring 2008. Why he won't let me go.

I'm not speaking to him ever again. He's not trustworthy and there's nothing to be gained from it. But I wonder what he remembers so fondly, because when it comes to that, I got nothing.

*How lovely that he gets to have biological children while one of his more heinous actions resulted in childbearing being difficult for me.

The Queen's Meme

THE AFTERLIFE MEME

1. Have you ever seen an angel? If not, do you believe in them? I don't think I have ever seen one, and whether or not I believe in angels depends on your definition. I do believe in emissaries from God.

2. Tell us a real ghost story. Ever seen one? Imagine that it's a late, moonlit night. You are in nearby Justice, IL, driving down Archer Avenue and are just about to pass Resurrection Cemetery. Suddenly a teenage girl appears by the side of the road. She's easy to see, even in the dark, because she has white blonde hair and is wearing a white party dress. It can't possibly be safe for her to be out alone, walking around near a cemetery on a night like this, so you roll down the window and offer her a ride. She wordlessly shakes her head and you start to pull away. Just as you're picking up speed, she somehow appears directly in front of your car! You cannot stop and are sickened by the thud and crunch of breaking bones as you run her over. You get out to see if there's anything you can do to help this poor girl. But there's no trace of her. For it wasn't a real-live girl you encountered … It was Resurrection Mary! (I can't promise this story is true, but I do know it's been repeated generation after generation here in Chicagoland.)

3. Have you ever had a near-death experience? Back in 2008, I almost got creamed by a cab. I still think of it every time I cross the street at that spot.

4. It is midnight in Heaven. You have just arrived. You are told that you can choose any kind of "Heaven" you want. What would that be? I could eat nothing but strawberry cheese cake and drink nothing but Coke but never gain weight or suffer a sugar crash. And the soundtrack would be The Beatles.

5. You have come back to Earth as something or someone else. Describe that entity. Tall and tan and young and lovely: The Girl from Ipanema.

6. It is your first morning in Hades. What fascinating aspect of the underworld will you visit first? I don't believe in Hell. Sorry.

7. Scientists have just created a new pill that induces immediate immortality. You can live forever! What are you going to do with the rest of your life? Probably hang out with that little mouse from The Green Mile.

I Want Wednesday

I want Richard M. Daley to stay Mayor forever!

Last night, when crazy drivers insisted on navigating Lake Shore Drive -- even though we were in the midst of one of the worst blizzards in history and the street is called Lake Shore Drive because it runs along a turbulent GREAT LAKE -- and fender benders stopped traffic, the Chicago Fire Dept. was ready.

It took them about five hours, but firefighters ON SNOWMOBILES rescued literally thousands of people who were stranded in their vehicles on LSD. More than 100 cars and a pair of accordion CTA buses were eventually evacuated and there were no serious injuries.

Today, Lake Shore Drive is closed as the municipal workers try to get all those vehicles to a city college parking lot. But last night, every one was safe.

Take that, New York City!

And Mr. Mayor, I have no doubt (no matter what you say) that this all rebounds to your credit. Please don't leave us!

Reynaldo is confused

He's never seen this much snow accumulate on our 4th floor window sill before.

Uh-oh

Here's something you don't see every day: the roof of Wrigley Field sitting in the snow. That square-ish thing on the left, on the ground beneath the streetlamp, is being referred to as "roofing materials." 55 mph winds will indeed do damage. The reason you only see a squad car and a firetruck is that Addison is now closed.

Twitter is calling this storm SNOtoriousBIG, and now so shall I.