Who stole the Topinka? Someone call the cops!

Somebody stole the Topinka!

Our Republican gubernatorial* candidate, Judy Baar Topinka, resides in the Chicago suburb of Riverside. Her son, Joseph, is a Major in the U.S. Army Judge Advocate General’s Corps. Joe and his wife, Christina, live in Washington state where he is assigned as the Center Judge Advocate for Madigan Army Medical Center located at Fort Lewis, Washington. He is a graduate of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and Northern Illinois University Law School.

The above facts are lifted almost verbatim from the "family" section of her official website, judyforgov.com.

So where's her husband? He's missing! I demand to know who stole the Topinka!

I have been fixating on the missing Mr. Topinka for months now. I even emailed the Chicago Tribune, our paper of record for this gubernatorial campaign, to get to the bottom of it. They don't even know. According to the Tribune fact checker, the last reference to Mr. Topinka is related to their legal separation in 1981.

If they are still legally married, and she wins, won't he automatically become First Lady of Illinois?

Obviously I find all this funny because ... well, it is. The other candidate, Governor Rod Blagojevich, is locked in mortal combat with his father-in-law, a powerful Chicago alderman. It was allegations made by Alderman Richard Mell in the local press that has fueled much of the speculation about Rod's vulnerability to bribes. So it's not like family hasn't already played a role in this campaign.

And when it comes to federal campaign, spouses play such a big role. Ask Hillary Rodham Clinton and Teresa Heinz Kerry.

So sing it with me, please, "Topinka, Topinka, WHO STOLE THE TOPINKA?"

*"Gubernatorial" is one of my all-time favorite words.