Bless her turbulent soul

It's Friday evening as I write this. My oldest friend reached out to me Monday. We talked for close to two hours. I'm still processing it.

Monday night she was in tears. She attributed this to the death of her cat, Jack. Totally understandable. She loved him, she had him a long time and he died in her bed. He'd been sick for quite some time – her daughter had time to come up for a visit to say goodbye – so it surprised me that when he began failing she didn't put him down. "Vets out here (in SoCal) charge $1,000 just for a needle prick," she explained.

First of all, I don't believe that. Even $500 sounds high for euthanasia. $1,000 is impossible. But you know what? Even if it was $1,000, she should have gotten it somehow. That's the deal we make when we adopt our furbabies: we give them the best life we possibly can and then ease them out of their suffering when the time comes. My friend was unable to do that. Rather than take her cat to the vet last summer, when he began having gastrointestinal issues, she started dousing him with Kaopectate. She knows how I feel about this. It would have been unkind to bring it up when she was in tears. But I'd be dishonest if I didn't say it occurred to me. Now that little Jack is dead and the suffering he likely endured at the end is over, what makes me saddest is that somewhere inside her, my oldest friend may know I'm right. It must be miserable to live with that.

Then she segued to her "nervous breakdown." She told me that had begun hallucinating and losing her balance. I have no doubt that's true. It's the timeline that infuriates me. I've known since last summer that she sees/responds to things that aren't there and then doesn't acknowledge it ever happened. Last Christmas she told me she spent several days at her daughter's apartment because she was so unsteady on her feet she couldn't go home. She promised then that she was "going to" discuss all this with her primary care physician. I asked her this past Monday what happened when, back then, she spoke to her doctor about the hallucinations and the falling down. "I don't know," she said. "I guess I didn't."

What the ever-loving fuck?

Anyway, she told me that, a couple weeks ago, her hallucinations were so bad that her roommates* were concerned and she was taken to the hospital. It was decided that she was over-medicated and reacting to the three antidepressants she's been taking. The ER docs conferred with her psychiatrist and took her off one of the meds. She tells me it has a long half life in her system and so she doesn't know if she's miserable because her Jack died or from withdrawal from the drug. Um ... I don't know how much of what I just wrote is accurate. It doesn't really matter, does it? There's nothing I can do about it from this distance.

Which leads us to her son. Her oldest child, her favorite, is well over 30. He's married and lives outside Philly. She told me in January that she thought it was "funny" he was worried about her meeting a Chinese-American for lunch. You think it's funny your son is a bigot? OK. Anyway, Monday she made no mention of Fred, the man she said she'd begun dating, and tearfully told me she hasn't heard from her son since Christmas. She was so hurt that, when his sister called to tell him their mother was in the ER, he said, "5150 her" and hasn't called since. So which is it? Is he an overprotective son who worries about his mother's dating life? Or is he callous and uninvolved? Did Fred even exist? I have no idea.

She's been posting pictures of Jack on Facebook. Taken just before he died. The poor little thing was emaciated. That's just wrong. Nothing I can do about it.

Nothing I can do about any of this.

She is, by her own choice, 2000 miles away. She doesn't listen to a thing I say anyway. I have suggested she go to church and reconnect with God. That she do some kind of charity work to ground her and get her out of her own head (I even offered to send her stamps and stationery so she could write Letters Against Isolation). I've told her how important my movie group is to me and tried to get her to join one. I might as well be talking to my stapler.

And yet I know she is suffering. I don't know how much of what she tells me is true but I believe she is miserable and unable somehow to do anything to alleviate her own pain.

Her soul is turbulent. Her body is rebelling. Her sweet skinny Jack died.

All I can do is pray for her.

 

*She shares a ranch house with 3 other seniors. They each have their own bedroom and share kitchen/bathroom privileges. It's kinda like The Golden Girls.

 

Photo by Maria Lupan on Unsplash

 

Thursday Thirteen #402

Donald Trump plays the Google Game. I went to Google, then Yahoo!, and asked "Why Does Donald Trump ..." Here are the autofilled responses, which can help us understand what our fellow citizens are thinking.

Why does Donald Trump ...

1. want Greenland?

2. not drink?

3. want the Panama Canal?

4. like the song YMCA?

5. look different?

6. fire people?

7. want to be President?

8. look orange?

9. hate Taylor Swift?

10. wear diapers?

11. lie so much?

11. stand weird?

13. have a big ego?

How would you complete the phrase, "Why does Donald Trump ...?"

Please join us for THURSDAY THIRTEEN. Click here to play along, and to see other interesting compilations of 13 things.

 

WWW.WEDNESDAY

 

WWW. WEDNESDAY asks three questions to prompt you to speak bookishly. To participate, and to see how other book lovers responded, click here. 

PS I no longer participate in WWW.WEDNESDAY via that link because her blog won't accept Blogger comments. I mention this only to save you the frustration I experienced trying to link up.

1. What are you currently reading? So, Anyway by John Cleese. My friend Nancy recommended this one to me, and she seldom points me to books so I picked it up. I'm glad I did. Cleese is my favorite of the Python gang and so far he hasn't disappointed. Example: he talks about his hometown and its role in WWII. Weston-super-Mare was impoverished and had nothing of value, yet the Nazis kept hitting it with their state-of-the-art bombs. Cleese proudly concludes that, therefore, every bomb strike actually cost Germany money and so his hometown was doing its part to shorten the war by bankrupting the Nazis. Gotta love that loopy patriotism, the sweetly twisted positivity.

2. What did you recently finish reading? Guilt by Association by Marcia Clark. This is Book #1 in a series focused on fictional Los Angeles ADA Rachel McKnight. She's a smart, funny, workaholic who hates to lose, and fortunately does so very infrequently. In this book, we follow her as she works two cases: one officially, one on the sly.

 

It was just OK. Too much detective work, not enough courtroom. I mean, this is Marcia Clark! I was hoping for a legal thriller with lots of law. Also, it relies an awful lot on coincidence. Maybe I'm judging too harshly. If was heading out on vacation, this might be a good diversion while waiting for my plane. I just expected more because Clark's latest book -- her non-fiction look at the Barbara Graham case, Trial by Ambush -- was so very good. Heartfelt, passionate, evocative. Whereas this felt formulaic.

3. What will you read next? I don't know.

 

 

 

Sunday Stealing

COUNTDOWN FROM 5. 

FIVE people who mean the world to you.

1. Cousin Rose (though she annoys the shit out of me at times)

2. My niece

3 My nephew

4. My aunt (though she annoys the shit out of me at times)

5. My oldest friend (though our relationship is evolving, I still love her)

 

FOUR things you fear.

1. Plane crashes

2. The stock market dipping precipitously

3. Losing my mobility

4. Senility

 

THREE words to describe how you feel right now.

1. Warm (the heat seems to be blasting in here!)

2. Full (in my tummy)

3. Relieved (my tax refund is giving me financial wiggle room)

 

TWO things you're excited about.

1. Sending my friend Patrick a series of birthday cards (he turns 70 next week and I want his mailbox to be full and festive)

2. Being a lady who lunches (I'll be socializing more than usual this coming week)

ONE thing you'd like to say to someone.

1.To my oldest friend: What's really going on with you?

 

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: I Can Love You Like That (1995)

  

Unfamiliar with this week's tune? Hear it here.

1) This week's song is about a girl who grew up on the fairy tale Cinderella. The online teaching platform study.com says Cinderella has been remained popular for centuries because the moral is that kindness is a virtue that will be rewarded. As an adult, do you still believe that's true? Obviously not. The other night, from behind the Presidential seal, Donald Trump derided Sen. Elizabeth Warren as "Pocahontas." (Her sin? Applauding ongoing aid for Ukraine.) I wonder what casual cruelty from the man occupying our highest elective office teaches today's children. We seem to be living in a "might makes right" world where kindness and empathy are dismissed as "woke."

2) This girl also likes romantic movies. Think of your favorite screen couple. Did they live happily ever after? No. But in The Way We Were, Streisand and Redford broke up gloriously.

See 'ya, Hubbell.

 

 

 

3) While "I Can Love You Like That" was a Top Ten hit here, it reached #1 in the Canada and Zimbabwe. Could you find Zimbabwe on a globe? With no precision whatsoever. I'd just point at Africa and apologize for not knowing more.

4) The members of this week's group, All-4-One, hail from Mojave, California. July and August are the hottest months in Mojave, when the afternoon temperature hovers between 87º and 97º and often climbs to 100º+. Do you thrive or melt in hot weather? I melt. I think anything over 80º is gaudy.

5) After having several hits in the 1990s, All-4-One saw their popularity wane in the new millennium. While they never disbanded – and will be touring throughout 2025 – the members have pursued separate interests. For example, co-founder Delious Kennedy started a YouTube channel featuring interviews with celebrities from the 80s and 90s. Do you spend a lot of time on YouTube? If yes, what do you watch? I've fallen down an OJ Simpson trial rabbit hole. (Spoiler alert: He gets away with it.) It's interesting how different it all looks to me now, 30 years away from white-hot emotion I felt at the time. Oh, he did it and he was a bastard. But there was such a difference between what we saw and the evidence presented to the jury. Also, Johnnie Cochran was a really, really good lawyer.

6) In 1995, when this week's song was popular, Michael Jordan "unretired" and returned to the Chicago Bulls. Tell us about a decision you wish you could undo. I wish I'd been more patient with Bonnie from my movie group. She died this past December. In the 7 or 8 years that I knew her, she struck me as silly. Sweet, but dim. After she died at age 74, I found her obit and learned she worked her way through school as one of Illinois Bell's only female telephone installers, went on to teach journalism at a prestigious Chicago college, and knew Gloria Steinem. Her vagueness was probably tied to a medical condition I wasn't aware of. Everyone is struggling with something, right? I must remember that.

7) 1995 saw Pierce Brosnan as James Bond in GoldenEye. 007 was also played by Sean Connery, David Niven, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, and Daniel Craig. Do you have a favorite Bond? I suppose Pierce Brosnan, because frankly I find him attractive. But I admit I'm not much of a Bond fan.

8) One of McDonald's best-selling 1995 Happy Meals featured The Power Rangers. 30 years later, those Happy Meal action figures are still available on eBay. Have you recently purchased anything on eBay? Recently? No. But I have found things there.

9) Random question – Which compliment would please you the most: to be smart, great looking, or likeable? Smart.

 

Thursday Thirteen #401

Welcome to Danville, IL. I've long heard of Danville. Rob Petrie of The Dick Van Dyke Show often referred to it as his hometown. I thought it was a made-up TV place, like Bryant Park or Pine Valley. But Danville has been on the news a lot recently because it really was Gene Hackman's hometown. So I did a little investigating ...

1. It's 142 miles and approx 3 hours away from Chicago.

2. Abraham Lincoln once practiced law at the Vermilion County Courthouse in Danville.

3. In addition to Gene Hackman, celebrities born in Danville include cabaret performer Bobby Short, Jerry (Coach) Van Dyke, Donald (Singin' in the Rain) O'Connor and Dick Van Dyke. In Danville they are known as "The Famous Five."

4. The cultural heart of Danville is the Fischer Theater, which originally opened in 1884. The Famous Five came home in 1988 for a black-tie benefit to save the Fischer from the wrecking ball. 

At the fundraiser for the Fischer.

 

5. The above photo was displayed in Gene Hackman's Santa Fe home. After the theater renovation was completed, Dick Van Dyke returned to Danville to put his handprints in cement in front of the Fischer. Clearly this small-town theater meant a great deal to two world-famous performers.

6. The population of Danville is approx. 29,000.

7. The town is named for Dan Beckwith, He was one of the explorers who discovered a brine, or salt, spring in the river that runs through the area.

8. In the 19th century, residents supported themselves as fur traders and coal miners.

9. Today, Danville's major employers are in healthcare and retail.

10. Danville has a large VA medical center.

11. Students attend Danville Area Community College (DACC) and cheer the Danville Dans baseball team.

12. The holidays in Danville are special because of the annual Festival of Trees. This exhibit of more than 130 Christmas trees and wreaths raises funds for family healthcare initiatives. 

13. In summer there's Balloons over Vermilion. Crowds enjoy live music and food as they watch hot air balloons take off from Danville's Vermilion Regional Airport. Funds raised have benefited Danville public schools.

RIP, Gene Hackman.

Please join us for THURSDAY THIRTEEN. Click here to play along, and to see other interesting compilations of 13 things.

I'd Rather Be Lonely Alone

The Oscars were difficult for me this year. Not because the show wasn't good. It started early and, at least in my humble opinion, didn't drag. But the traditional telecast made me miss my departed friends, Henry and John.

How Henry would have loved Conclave! He was raised in the Catholic Church and proud that he was educated by Jesuits. Henry did indeed find God in all things, and it wounded him desperately that, as a gay man, he was precluded from the pageantry and music he dearly loved. I worshiped with him at his Key West church, MCC, and teased him it was like sharing a pew with a Kardashian because everyone knew him. Even though his fellow congregants came island casual, Henry always chose his church clothes with care. He would literally take my hand when it was time for communion. My church doesn't offer it so it's not a big deal to me. But oh! Communion meant so much to him and he wanted me to take the sacrament because he loved me. So I would have loved to discussing Conclave with him, asking him specifically about Cardinal Bellini (Stanley Tucci) and Cardinal Benitez of Kabul. I would have loved to have watched his face as he took in the red robes, black habits and white umbrellas. Back in 2016 he told me that seeing Pablo Larrain's Jackie with me made it better. I know what he meant. I miss him so.

I swear I could hear John complaining during the Oscars. During the tribute to Quincy Jones, Queen Latifah sang "Ease on Down the Road." HELL NO, he would say. His goddess, Diana Ross, performed the song in The Wiz. She also worked with Jones on "We Are the World," and she was an Oscar nominee herself. We often discussed how the entertainment world doesn't give Miss Ross the credit she deserves. The Grammys got it right when they had her close the show. It brought John such joy to see her in sequins and a big, big weave. So here she is in Grammy glory. This is for you, Buddy.

I loved these men so. I belong to a movie group and didn't need to watch the Oscars alone. But if even if I had gone to a viewing party, I still would have been lonely and I find it's easier to be lonely all alone.

 

WWW.WEDNESDAY

 

WWW. WEDNESDAY asks three questions to prompt you to speak bookishly. To participate, and to see how other book lovers responded, click here. 

PS I no longer participate in WWW.WEDNESDAY via that link because her blog won't accept Blogger comments. I mention this only to save you the frustration I experienced trying to link up.

1. What are you currently reading? Guilt by Association by Marcia Clark. This is Marcia Clark's first novel, published back in 2011, and it introduces her popular heroine, Los Angeles ADA Rachel McKnight. After getting a guilty verdict in a high-profile murder case no one thought was winnable, Rachel inherits a rape case she doesn't want. The victim's family is politically connected and it's an election year, which will make the process more complicated than Rachel would like. If that's not bad enough, there seems to be dissension between the teenage victim and her powerful father. No wonder Rachel likes her Glenlivet.

 

This is my third Marcia Clark book of the year and it's only March. The first was Trial by Ambush, her non-fiction examination of the Barbara Graham case, and it was terrific. My second was The Fall Girl, and it was just OK. In fact, I was thinking about it the day after I finished it – the next day! – and it took me a minute to remember whodunnit. So I wasn't eager to visit Marcia again so soon. But my library unexpectedly had it available, and I thought, "why not?" Sometimes books find me when I need to read them. Maybe Guilt by Association is one of them

2. What did you recently finish reading? Unleashed by David Rosenfelt. This is the 11th book in the Andy Carpenter series and it includes everything that makes it one of my favoritest: Andy cracks wise and annoys judges and prosecutors alike, he and Laurie engage in witty banter, Andy admits to physical cowardice, and, of course, there are dogs. 

But while I enjoyed this one, I didn't loooove it. Too bad because I really wanted to. But what promised to be a straightforward, highly relatable courtroom drama took some wild turns. Andy's accountant, Sam Willis, meets an old high school rival who needs a good lawyer, and of course Sam recommends Andy. Barry dies suddenly and under suspicious circumstances and authorities believe Barry's wife (Sam's first, long-ago love) is involved. There. That's enough. Stop there. But we somehow veer into an international assassination plot. Huh? Got to admit, I didn't care.

3. What will you read next? I don't know.

 

 

It was an honor just to be nominated

OK, I'm still in Oscar mode after last night's ceremony. But that's not what this post is about.

Late Saturday afternoon I got an eleventh-hour invite. Abigail and Jerry from the card shop had an extra ticket for an amateur production of I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. Jerry's text included no mention of the ticket price but did promise me a ride, as neither Abigail nor I drive. I'd have to be ready at 6:15.

Unfortunately I didn't see the text until Sunday morning. When I got home from errands on Saturday I put the phone on the kitchen counter to charge and didn't check it. These kids only text but never call. If he had called, I would have heard the ring and picked up. Oh, well. I'm not at all sure I would have wanted to go. 

But that's not the point. Abigail and Jerry asked me! That strikes me as extraordinary. I am 67 years old. Abigail is not yet 21. When I was 20, I can't recall a single 60-something I wanted to socialize with. 

So I am happy.

I've often wondered how my coworkers perceive me. After all, I'm the Ringo of the shop. Ringo was the oldest of the Beatles and the last to join the band. I've never worked retail before, am still often confused at the register, and old enough to be the mother of our next oldest team member (our new boss Katie is in her mid-30s).

Now I know the one I now work with most often, Abigail, is willing to hang with me. The invitation, not the play, is what's important here. I'm just pleased to be asked.

 

Photo by Laura Chouette on Unsplash 

 

Saturday 9

 

Saturday 9: My Blue Heaven (1955)
   

Unfamiliar with this week's tune? Hear it here.

 

 

1) The music for "My Blue Heaven" was written by Walter Donaldson. Mr. Donaldson was a gifted piano player who used his talent to entertain the troops on leave during WWI. What's something you're naturally good at? Writing. I've always done it – as a child I amused myself by making my own little books – and I made a pretty decent living doing it. Sometimes when something comes easily to us, we don't appreciate how good we are. I see that in Abigail at the card shop. She is so visually attuned, so good at creating retail displays and it's her chalk drawings that decorate our A-frame sidewalk sign. I keep telling her she needs to take some classes at the community college to learn the right computer programs and then get into advertising or publishing. She thinks I'm "just being nice," but when it comes to business, I'm not all that nice. I think she has a gift.

2) The lyrics were written by George Whiting. He began his career on stage as a song-and-dance man. While touring, he met and fell in love with another singer on the bill. They went on to marry and have three daughters. Have you ever engaged in a workplace romance? I've only ever had workplace romances! Which is not to say I was good at them, or that they were a good idea.

3) In this song, Doris Day sings about a cozy home. Look around the room you're in. What makes it cozy?

 

 

4) For four consecutive years, Doris was the most popular film actress in the world, with fans flocking to theaters to see her. Is there an actor or actress whose presence in a movie or TV show makes you say to yourself, "I want to see that?" In today's world, I'll go with Jennifer Aniston. In classic Hollywood terms, Katharine Hepburn and Judy Garland.

5) For all her film and music success, she found herself broke in the late 1960s. Her husband had mismanaged her fortune, something she didn't discover until after his sudden death. Do you know how much is in your checking account right now? (We're not asking the amount; just whether you know.) Not off the top of my head. But I check it every day to make sure no unauthorized withdrawals have been made (and that Elon hasn't interfered with my Social Security payment yet).

6) Away from performing, Doris' passion was animal welfare. At one point she shared her home with more than a dozen dogs and went on to establish the Doris Day Animal Foundation. Do any pets share your home? See above. Though I wouldn't say they "share" it. They outnumber me and they run it.

 

7) In 1955, when this song was a hit, cars came with AM radios but they were pretty unsophisticated by today's standards. The car needed to be on and "warmed up" a bit before the signal was picked up and that signal could easily be lost if you were bouncing over rough terrain. Today most new cars come with Bluetooth so you can enjoy infotainment through your phone. Do you listen to music, podcasts, audiobooks, etc., as you drive? No car. But I always listen to tunes when I'm on public transportation.

8) Also in 1955, the first McDonald's opened. Does your community have a McDonald's? Yes. But honestly, I don't think I've been there in more than a year. I've discovered the best "burger to go" in my neighborhood is from the kids menu at the local pizza place. (I never order it when I'm seated in the restaurant, though. I'm embarrassed to order from the kids menu.)

9) Random question: How long have you known your newest friend? Well, depends on which of us you ask. Elaine remembers me from 2016. Our movie group then met in person, and as that most wondrous Cubs season unfolded, she recalls how I would check my phone the moment the lights went back up and announce the score. My fandom amused her. I truly do not remember her until 2021. During covid, our group went from monthly in the theater to weekly online. Somehow I noticed her more when we were trapped in our Brady Bunch/Zoom boxes and, when as things started opening up, she suggested we meet for lunch in person one day, I jumped at the chance.

 

 

 

Thursday Thirteen #400

For my 400th TT, I decided to recycle one from 10 years ago.  Before I get the same comments I got a decade ago: Yes, TV Guide is still published. Here's the subscription link.

Thursday Thirteen #231

THE THIRTEEN MOST POPULAR

TV STARS OF ALL TIME 

How to rank something so incredibly subjective? By turning to the TV Bible, aka TV Guide, of course! It's been publishing regularly since April 1953. And here are their thirteen most frequent cover subjects.

1) Lucille Ball -- 31 covers

2) Mary Tyler Moore -- 24 covers

3) Johnny Carson -- 23 covers

4) Bill Cosby AND Oprah Winfrey -- tied at 19

5) Larry Hagman -- 18 covers

6) Carol Burnett -- 17 covers

7) Barbara Walters AND Carroll O'Connor -- tied at 16

8) Michael Landon AND Michael J. Fox -- tied at 15. These two Michaels grew up before our eyes on the cover of TV Guide.   

•  Landon was 23 when he had his first cover, as Little Joe Cartwright of Bonanza, in 1960 and 54 when TV Guide ran a cover story memorializing him upon his death in 1991.

•  Fox was 21 when he appeared on his first cover as Alex P. Keaton of Family Ties in 1982, and 52 at the time of his most recent cover in 2013.

9) Cybil Shepherd -- 14 covers (I was surprised she was this popular)

10) Lawrence Welk AND Raymond Burr AND Jaclyn Smith (what an odd combination!) -- tied at 13

11) Richard Chamberlain AND Roseanne AND Ted Danson -- tied at 12

Tom Selleck in 1980 ....

... and 35 years later

12) Bob Hope AND Candice Bergen AND Mike Wallace AND Tom Selleck -- tied at 11 (Selleck was on the cover for the 11th time earlier this month)

13) Andy Griffith AND James Garner AND Jerry Seinfeld AND Hugh Laurie -- tied at 10

Please join us for The NEW THURSDAY THIRTEEN. Click here to play along, and to see other interesting compilations of 13 things.

WWW.WEDNESDAY

 

WWW. WEDNESDAY asks three questions to prompt you to speak bookishly. To participate, and to see how other book lovers responded, click here. 

PS I no longer participate in WWW.WEDNESDAY via that link because her blog won't accept Blogger comments. I mention this only to save you the frustration I experienced trying to link up.

1. What are you currently reading? Unleashed by David Rosenfelt. I admit I needed a Silkwood shower after the OJ book (below) and so I reached for my fantasy boyfriend, Andy Carpenter. While he likes sports, he couldn't be more different from those in OJ's world. Andy is self-deprecating, true to Laurie, and dedicated to giving back. Plus Andy is funny, and there are precious few laughs in the Simpson case. 

 

This one shines a light on a supporting character in Andy's world: Sam Willis, his accountant. Sam meets an old high school rival who needs a good lawyer, and of course Sam recommends Andy. Turns out Barry is in much deeper trouble than Sam realized, and Barry's wife (Sam's first, long-ago love) is involved. I'm looking forward to lots of twists and turns.

2. What did you recently finish reading? How I Helped OJ Get Away with Murder: The Shocking Inside Story of Violence, Loyalty, Regret and Remorse by Mike Gilbert. I found this book compelling from a human perspective. What if someone you like, work for and depend upon does something terrible? How much loyalty do they deserve? Add to all this the white hot spotlight that came with The Trial of the Century. All that public attention just exacerbated the Us vs. Them mentality inside Simpson's inner circle and skewed Gilbert's perceptions. I get all that and, at times, understood his attitude toward OJ. After all, Simpson had for years opened the Rockingham estate to Gilbert and his family. It was "Uncle OJ" who sent a bouquet to Gilbert's daughter before a dance recital and brought an antique lamp to literally brighten the room of Gilbert's mom, who was in assisted living.

 

But here's the thing: I don't like Mike Gilbert. He began the book with an anecdote from early 1992, chastising OJ for playing golf with then-President Clinton because Gilbert doesn't approve of Bill and Hill. Say what you will about the Clintons, but Bill never donned a black cap and gloves and cut the throat of a woman while her children slept upstairs, as Gilbert admits OJ would do within months of that day on the links. He takes a gratuitous swipe against Marcia Clark, saying she mishandled a witness. He'd heard the woman had been in rehab with Clark and the prosecutor was afraid the story would come out. Gilbert can't prove this is true, but there it is in his book. Most of all, there's Christie Prody. She's the young woman who hooked up with OJ after the trial and moved with him to Florida. Gilbert seems to blame her the drugs and debauchery OJ indulged in during those years. Like a young and penniless girl had that kind of power. Then – get this – Gilbert negotiated a deal for an OJ/Christie sex tape, ready to profit from their "debauchery" even as he judged it.

 

So I'm glad I read this for the view of life inside a moral tornado. I'm just sorry our tour guide was such an asshole.

3. What will you read next? I don't know.

 

 

We're not friends anymore

I never converse with my oldest friend anymore. I no longer even try. When I call her, I get the familiar voice mail message telling me her mail box is full. She doesn't answer my emails. I suspect this doesn't have much to do with me personally. I've come to believe she's avoiding creditors. I know she owes her former landlord $8,000 -- money she has no way of paying. Years ago, when she was on the verge of losing her car, she stopped answering voicemail and email, too.

Ignoring voicemail does not preclude her from making outgoing calls. She doesn't want to talk to me. I don't know why.

I hear from her regularly. She IMs me silly videos of old ladies laughing and falling down, doing yoga and falling down, getting drunk and falling down. Apparently this is how she sees our friendship. I kinda get it. When we saw one another regularly, from the time we were in first grade until she moved to California, we did laugh all the time. I can't recall the last time we laughed together.

When we were both working -- me in advertising, her in hospital administration -- we used to exchange long emails. Chatty and detailed. I know that, on my end, I'd add a few lines to the latest email between meetings or conference calls, or before I logged off for the day and went home. It seems counterintuitive that now, when we're not working, I never hear from her in any meaningful way. I kinda get this, too. Her life isn't going that well. She no longer has an apartment and is sharing a ranch house with three other seniors. They're like The Golden Girls -- they each have their own bedroom and share the kitchen, living room and bathrooms. I wish I thought she, Jonathon, Robert and Karen were like Rose, Blanche, Dorothy and Sophia, spending their evenings in the kitchen sharing their lives over cheesecake. I hope that's what's happening. The alternative is that she's consumed by depression or health issues. I don't like thinking that, so I brush it away. After all, there is nothing I can do about it from this distance. She doesn't pick up her phone and she doesn't answer emails. All I can do is give a "thumbs up" to the latest clip of old ladies laughing and falling down.

It bothers me that, as little as I know about her life, that's how much she knows about mine. She doesn't even seem curious. Naturally this hurts my feelings.

But I know she can't. With her bipolar condition, her health issues and her financial situation, every day must be a battle for her. Her cousin and her son, those two she loves more than everyone else, seem to have had enough of her drama and cut ties. I've concluded she just doesn't have the wherewithal to be an equal partner in this relationship. 

I love her. She holds my history and I honor that. So I will keep the lines of communication (such as they are) open. All that is required of me is to click on irrelevant videos. And to adjust to life without her. Because the friendship I knew is gone.

 

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: Flowers (2023)
   

Unfamiliar with this week's tune? Hear it here.

 

1) In this song, Miley Cyrus sings about gold as though it represents the best. Do you more often wear gold or silver? Silver

 

2) She also sings the praises of buying herself flowers. Are there any cut flowers in your home right now? Nope. When I was working every day in an office setting, I always had cut flowers in a vase on my desk. All year around. But now I'm afraid my cats would view the flowers as a salad bar.

 

3) She tells us she's going to paint her nails cherry red. Do you handle your own mani/pedi, do you go to a salon, or do you just let your nails go natural? I get a professional pedi several times a year and touch it up on my own between visits. I am not very good at this.

4) In 2019, Miley had vocal cord surgery, and her recovery required her to go weeks without uttering a sound. Would it be difficult for you to keep your lips zipped for a week? Depends on who is around. I could very comfortably go a week without seeing, or talking to, anyone. I would feel no need to seek out company. But if someone else so happens to be around, well, I will always be compelled to fill the silence. This is why Chandler is my favorite Friend.

5) Dolly Parton is Miley's godmother, and Miley singles Dolly out as the one who taught her "how to treat people well." Tell us about someone who was a positive influence on you. My Cousin Rose. Apart from the other women in the family, she was always independent and always went her own way. She let me see what was possible.

6) She is a massive Elvis fan and swoons every time she watches Blue Hawaii because he professes his love for Maile, pronounced "Miley." What movie have you watched many times? According to Letterboxd, I've seen Jailhouse Rock eight times. I'm sure I've seen The Wizard of Oz way more than that.

 

7) In 2023, when "Flowers" was released, actor Sir Michael Gambon died. Though he distinguished himself performing Shakespeare with the Royal National Theater, he is best known for playing Dumbledore in several Harry Potter movies. Who is your favorite Harry Potter character? I don't have one. I know nothing about the Potter universe, except that my niece is sure I would be a Hufflepuff. Which sounds cute.

8) 2023 was a busy year for England's Royal Family, with the crowning of King Charles III and the publication of Prince Harry's memoir, Spare. Do you have a favorite among the Windsors?

 

9) Random question: Do your siblings have children? If yes, are you close to them? Both of my sisters have kids. I'm close to the two who grew up near me, not to the two who grew up in California.

 

 

Where Stable Meets Consistent, You'll Find Me

Photo by Robert McGowan on Unsplash

This is me. Or it would be, if I was younger and stronger and my breasts were still as high they once were.* I feel fine about my life right now. At this moment. Which is noteworthy because I've been worrying. A lot. 

I have friends and loved ones who are struggling. Some have financial issues, some have physical/emotional/cognitive issues, some struggle with both. My friend Mindy, on the other hand, "downsized" to a 3BR, 4BA home in a wealthy northern suburb and has been vacationing in places like Italy and Vietnam. 

When I was working, I better understood my life and my expectations of it. But in retirement, I've felt unmoored. Am I doing it right?

So this month I've been sitting down with the experts and have received their assessments. I didn't intentionally designate February for navel gazing, it's just worked out that way. This is what I've learned:

•  My primary care physician says my cholesterol and blood sugar are "stable." We discussed my spinal stenosis and arthritis but she is happy that I'm managing both with yoga, stretching exercises and chiropractic adjustments, not meds. No diabetes, heart trouble, or hip/knee replacements appear on my (immediate) horizon. In short, for an overweight 67-year-old woman, I'm fine.

•  My clinical psychologist says I'm "consistent." This was, particularly, in response to my concerns about "losing" words. "Lethologica," she called it. A word or phrase will be on the tip of my tongue and I just cannot retrieve it! Yes, it can be an early indicator of Alzheimer's but in and of itself, it's not. She says that in the four+ years we've been working together, my cognitive abilities have remained "consistent." She reassured me that she knows what to look for (she went to doctor school, after all) and if she noticed something amiss we would address it. In short, for a 67-year-old woman, I'm fine.

•  My Chase financial planner and I talked "wealth management." I don't consider myself a rich woman, and I'm not compared to Mindy, but my outlook is not at all dire, either. I can live as I do now for another 25 years. Then, he said, I'd probably have to "make changes" (sell my condo). I almost started to laugh. In 25 years I will be 92! I doubt I'll still be alive, but if I am, I'll already be in assisted living, funded by my long term care insurance and the sale of this condo. I am not worried about having to "readjust my lifestyle" at 92. So, for a 67-year-old woman who wants nothing more than to dine out regularly with friends, provide her two spoiled felines with quality veterinary care, and take a couple of trips each year, I'm fine. BTW, those are domestic trips. Mindy can have Europe and Asia. Right now I'm excited about The TCM Classic Film Festival!

Oh, I'm aware "fine" is not great. In the old Sears mattress ranking of "good-better-best," my life is the equivalent of a mid-priced Serta Perfect Sleeper. My apartment is a hovel. It needs new flooring, fresh paint (drywall in the living room), and a serious "de-junking." I'll look at all that after I have paid the big old special assessment I know is coming our way. 

I don't move enough. I don't drink 8 glasses of water a day, and I have to. My new boss at the card shop has been giving me incremental hours -- yay! -- but these longer shifts on my feet leave me exhausted. Seriously, after a 5- or 6-hour shift, I get home and take a two hour nap! So I can see a day when the wage won't be worth the wear-and-tear and I'll hang it up and retire altogether. 

But why borrow trouble? My late minister once said, "Don't waste your dread." Right now, I am fine. For the next five years -- as well as any of us can know anything about what the future holds -- I'll continue to be fine. 

I'm going to sit here for a moment and appreciate the fineness of it all and feel a little gratitude. And chug a cup of water.

 

*Or if I wore red lipstick or would ever allow myself to wear ammunition (!). But you get the idea.