Monday, April 08, 2013

Sad, sad, sad and not sleeping

First I let my kid sister's tantrum ruin my Easter and cast a pall over my vacation. And now it continues.

I had wanted to take care of my mother's grave marker myself. I didn't care how it looked. I didn't care what it said. But I wanted to pay for it myself. I have always spent a portion of my tax refund on my mother. I wanted to do it one last time. My way of saying a final goodbye. I explained this to my sister.

It came up because she had $600 in her checking account that people gave us as gifts at our mother's service and $1000 in cash from the estate sale. She was upset about the checking account because she was afraid FAFSA would ding my niece for it and reduce the federal aid. I told her that, since she is the one who would visit our mother's grave the most, she should choose the headstone and use the $600 as a downpayment. The government could not possibly question the funds then -- not if the check was made out to funeral home. Then I'd pay the balance.

Instead she went and took care of it all herself. Paid the entire $1300 out of the $1600 in her possession. When I asked her (via email) why she did this, she responded that I could just handle the bookkeeping any way I wished. Meaning that I can take the money I had intended to spend on my mom and put it toward final legal fees. Or perhaps, I guess, that dumpster.

It was a petty, crappy thing to do. And it hurt me.

I feel alone and old and sad. What happens to all my "stuff" when I die? My sisters resent and hate me. I don't know why, exactly. The only comfort is that they resent and hate one another, too.

My niece is 20. I know she loves me, and I should do a better job of keeping up with her. But she's young. I don't want her to feel overwhelmed or trapped in a tug of war between her mother and me.

I'm sad, sad, sad today.



  1. I notice that as my nieces and nephews grow older they either grow closer to me (one sister's kids) or grow away from me (another sister's kids). And it saddens me.

    Sorry your sisters aren't also your friends. But I truly believe they are jealous of you and your independence.

  2. i wonder will this saga ever end for you?
    i know you are on FB, seek, like & read the post for Celebration Recovery. We have these class at our church.
    Celebration Recovery helps people thru hard time, using God's word to show and comfort us.
    I pray you will not take all of this stuff from your sisters personal any more.
    Each of us are only responsible for our OWN actions. Take heart my sweet friend, God loves you and knows your heart for Him. He will provide peace and comfort while you travel these life trials.

  3. I'm not quite sure why your sisters choose to use you as their projection screen but they do, despite your best efforts not to allow that. I know the feeling when stuff happens and you're all "What did I do?" - it feels just as you describe: lonely, confused and angry but not sure you even should be.

    I'm with Kwiz, I think there's some jealousy issues with the independence going on. Regardless, that doesn't give them permission to act the way they do.

    Poots to them. You have people out here (ME!) who have never met you and know what a sweet heart you have. Take some small comfort in the fact that any of us would fly to your aid if need be. :)

    <3 xo

  4. I'm so sorry. I hope you're feeling a bit better today.


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