I cried tonight

In public. At a table in a bar. This is not like me.

I only had one drink, and I hadn't even finished it yet when I welled up, so it wasn't the booze talking.

It was a lot of things.

It occurred to me that it's been two weeks since Kathleen forgot all about me. She apologized, admitted that her behavior "sucked," and then, that was it. Not another word.

I mentioned this to my best friend because I tell him everything and besides, he knows us both. His response was confusing. He advised me to call her, right away, today, because if I didn't it was going to be like a "pebble in my shoe," disturbing me every day. He went on to say that friendships need to be "a two-way street" and that once she realizes she hurt me, "she'll understand."

Good advice, to be sure, but confusing because it so closely reflects his relationship with me. We began the year not speaking at all, which broke my heart. It's taken him awhile to fully comprehend how much power he has to hurt me himself, and to be more gentle with that power. So while I appreciated his advice and heeded it, it left me a little unsettled. I guess it means that he gets it. And I shouldn't look for trouble where there isn't any, because he and I are fine now and that makes me happy.

So I shot Kathleen an email and asked her, simply, "What's up?" She told me she had lots to tell me and offered to give me a ride home. Deja weird, because that's what happened two weeks ago when she offered me a ride and forgot me.

She showed up tonight, though. And all the way home she told me about her issues at work, how concerns about her career and money (her son is already in college and her daughter just finished her freshman year of high school, so that tuition bill is on its way, too). She had to fire someone, something I know for a fact blows and that I'm still not completely over.

I'm glad that I was able to help her. I told her that I didn't think it was an accident that she was suffering all these careers doubts and exhaustion at the very time that her nest was emptying. Also told her that firing that woman herself, letting that woman vent to a supervisor she knows, was a gift. She welled up. Then we stopped for a drink.

I'm glad we did. I was upset that we had spent the entire drive home talking about her, her, her. I know her problems are real, but regular readers of this blog this year has been tough for me, too. The shingles, the dental work, the work worries, and most of all, my mom and my uncle.

It was then that the tears started. Tonight I cried over my uncle for the first time.

Kathleen is a practicing Catholic, and while my religious beliefs are less conventional than hers, knowing how seriously she takes her faith made it easy for me to talk about mine. It was good to work it through out loud -- I told her one of my regrets is that my uncle never knew how much I appreciate his kindnesses, and now he never will; she says that somewhere, the man I love is still in his body somewhere and feels it. I didn't agree -- still don't -- but I realized that I believe, I know, that after he dies and soul and his mind and body are reunited in Heaven, he will feel it. And that gives me tremendous comfort.

So we never addressed the friendship/two-way street thing, but that's OK. Kathleen thanked me for being "an exquisite friend," which was lovely to hear. And I thanked her for my tears, which I feel my uncle deserves.

But the whole day was exhausting. Including the Cubs loss (see below).